Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 If you can, observe him. His actions. He may say alot of things to make you happy, but think about what he does and what he talks about. I would say let him talk about his ex, but know that he may not be over her. Be smart don't fall for him. You may have to move on. I have been in your situation many times. I'm still not sure y or if it is common, but I have been the rebound girl in my last few relationships. can you explain how your rebound relationships ended?
Author Ruby Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 I guess you were all right. He told me he was going to a party last night and then this morning he told me he met up with his ex. They had a chat and are together right now having another 'chat' I guess we are done and I cannot stop crying
Tomcat33 Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Ruby I am so so sorry for your pain, I can imagine just how hurt you must be. Some men are just selfish priiicks who only think of themselves and what is good for them. Don't worry he'll get his. There is a reason why they broke up, and that same reason will creep up again. I doubt they will handle things much differently second time around, people rarely do. He won't be happy, and by the time things blow up in his face again you will be well on your way to a new opportunity at love where as he will be right back to square one again mending his breaking heart. Mark my words on that! You need time, just ride it out and keep crying if you need to it's the only way you will get him out of your system. Take good care.
dreamergrl Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I agree with tomcat, but would like to add, be very very careful should he come running back, because it will most likely be a pattern for him. Be strong, and greatful that you found this out now. I know it must hurt, but there will be someone better out there for you, that is ready for what you want.
Mary3 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I am very sorry to hear about this. I too stumbled into 3 rebounds and its very painful. I sympathize with you. How do I avoid the next one ,you ask ? PAY attention to what they are saying. Do they exhibit anger towards their ex ? Do they never shut up about their ex.? Is their ex placed on a shrine in their living room ? There's PLENTY of flags. I had one guy on a blind date rant and rant about his ex. I gave him 20 minutes and I walked out of the date before dinner. When they talk about the ex , RUN ! Now there are very healthy ex/ex Relationships. And then there are toxic ones where ONE of them is not OVER the other.! It will take some training but with time you can conquer the dreaded " My bf is not over his ex : syndrome."
Author Ruby Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 He he sent me a text last night in reply to a text I sent him where I asked him what was happening and that I want him 100% and will not wait around. He replied that he loves me and loves my son and that nothing has changed. Then this morning we spoke and he told me he would have to end it as he needs space and he tried to blame me as well
LostLamb Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 He he sent me a text last night in reply to a text I sent him where I asked him what was happening and that I want him 100% and will not wait around. He replied that he loves me and loves my son and that nothing has changed. Then this morning we spoke and he told me he would have to end it as he needs space and he tried to blame me as well How are you to blame if he still wants his ex? Is he trying the "you moved too fast " line of defence?
Hersheys Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone in what you are going through. Many people get their hearts broken due to an ex coming back. It's a tough situation to be in to be caught up in the middle. Give to him what he asked for and give it to him permanently. Do not believe him when he tells you he is never getting back with his ex because clearly his actions does not speak of wanting his ex out of his life. Don't be a crutch to him. Don't be his friend or his confidante. Do not be around for him. Do not wait for his feelings to change. Do not convince him that you are better than his ex and could give him a better relationship because a guy still pining for his ex will never be convinced into anything. Best thing to do is to disappear from this guy's life and let him go for who and what he really wants to do. Do what you can to get over this guy. It won't be easy as you've stated that you've fallen for him but it will be kinder on yourself not waiting and hoping for someone who's waiting and hoping for somebody else. Wish the guy well on his future relationships. Tell him you will not be someone else's number two option or friend. Then after everything has been said and done, NC this guy permanently. good luck and stay strong Ruby!
Mary3 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 He he sent me a text last night in reply to a text I sent him where I asked him what was happening and that I want him 100% and will not wait around. He replied that he loves me and loves my son and that nothing has changed. Then this morning we spoke and he told me he would have to end it as he needs space and he tried to blame me as well Space ! What a joke. He is getting back with her and you need to be spaced a mile away ! B___ ! Sad sad but they WILLLLLLLLLLLL break up again. This time you wont be around. And the next man that comes into your life should be talking about YOU YOU YOU ! Not her , her ... What an id___ !
Mary3 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone in what you are going through. Many people get their hearts broken due to an ex coming back. It's a tough situation to be in to be caught up in the middle. Give to him what he asked for and give it to him permanently. Do not believe him when he tells you he is never getting back with his ex because clearly his actions does not speak of wanting his ex out of his life. Don't be a crutch to him. Don't be his friend or his confidante. Do not be around for him. Do not wait for his feelings to change. Do not convince him that you are better than his ex and could give him a better relationship because a guy still pining for his ex will never be convinced into anything. Best thing to do is to disappear from this guy's life and let him go for who and what he really wants to do. Do what you can to get over this guy. It won't be easy as you've stated that you've fallen for him but it will be kinder on yourself not waiting and hoping for someone who's waiting and hoping for somebody else. Wish the guy well on his future relationships. Tell him you will not be someone else's number two option or friend. Then after everything has been said and done, NC this guy permanently. good luck and stay strong Ruby! Beautiful !!!! Yes Yes . I loved this. Please OP Read this and drink it in !!
Author Ruby Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I am broken hearted I asked him to meet me today but he said no, I think he is scared of realising it is me he wants
D-Lish Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Rebound relationships rarely work out. It is a huge red flag when they talk of their ex. If They're using you as a sounding board for their break-up, it is never a promising sign. As much as it hurts- as much as you think this guy is the best thing to happen to you in a long time- it's a good thing you know the truth. No matter what- you deserve to be in a relationship where you are the focus. It's obvious he had/has unfinished business. What the hell was he thinking talking to you and your friends about his break up with his ex? if he can't control and recognize how wrong that is, it's clear he is still messed up about it. I had a first date with someone and he brought up his ex and started seething- actually baring his teeth when he talked about her. I couldn't get the bill fast enough. The dude talked about her the whole time. It's unfair what he did- and blaming you in the end was horribly inappropriate. Also indicative that he has no clue... It's really important to take your power back and ignore him completely. No matter what he says or does- stay in NC with him. He will contact you again, as soon as things start going bad between them, he'll reach out. Don't give him one morsel of attention. He doesn't deserve you, not after what he has done. Hugs, I am sorry this has happened to you.
Mary3 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It is entirely possible that you were a * fill in * while he felt pain or she was busy making up her mind what to do. Its also entirely possible he * used * you to get her attention. I think 99.9% of these rebounds the new person is used in a game exchange or pawn situation. Never allow that to happen to you again. Ask these questions : "So when was the last relationship for you ?" "Are you still friends with your ex ( listen carefully because you can get an earful of contempt about how he despises or how she was the most amazing women ever and NO woman could even come close. If every other word out of his mouth is about HER .... well RUN ! His main focus should be YOU and your new date. ( Mother nature gives you warning signs , now pay attention in the Beginning about what your date is SAYING.
Author Ruby Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Update: He got back with his ex and I sent him lots of angry texts as I felt so thrown away. He told me to stop texting him. I stopped. He is now calling me again as they have broken up again, he had to call the police on her as she was smashing up his mobile and home phone. He wants me back now and is pulling out all stops to get me back. I love this man but what do I do? Can it work with us? His ex is still calling him and texting him and he met her 2 days ago to borrow her money.
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 is all I can manage at ~3am Stay away from him. He's still emotionally attached to his ex. TBH, I don't think you'll stay away from him and we'll be reading about what I call a rubber band relationship. Back and forth, stretch and snap. You're in charge of what happens next
MindoverMatter Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 He got back with his ex and I sent him lots of angry texts as I felt so thrown away. He told me to stop texting him. I stopped. He is now calling me again as they have broken up again, he had to call the police on her as she was smashing up his mobile and home phone. He wants me back now and is pulling out all stops to get me back. I love this man but what do I do? Can it work with us? His ex is still calling him and texting him and he met her 2 days ago to borrow her money. No, get away from this man. He went back to the ex, he told you to back off, and now wants to use you as a rebound a second time around. He doesn't love you. If he loved you, and just made a mistake, he wouldn't be talking to the ex anymore. He would change everything. He doesn't. He just wants an easy fall-back plan. Which would be you. Don't let him do that to you. Run, don't walk, away from this mess.
Author Ruby Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you so much for replying, I cannot sleep or eat and even though I know my emotions are real I know that his heart lays with her He is telling me that he has now got closure from her and that it is over but he is saying other stuff that contradicts I wish I did not love this man
MindoverMatter Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 It doesn't matter if he got closure from her or not. He dropped you as if you were nobody to him to be with her. No matter what his feelings for her were or are right now - his feelings for you were not deep, and there is no reason why they should be all of a sudden. He used you. And he knows it. And he tries to use you again. Whatever it is you love about him, somebody else will have the same quality, and won't treat you like this. Do you not want to be loved and treasured? He is stopping you from moving on with your life - towards a bigger, better love. Be strong!
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hey, I can't sleep (noticed you're from Cali too OP) because my wife is snoring like a freight train after having a few drinks with her BD dinner last night It's really healthy to have the capacity to love people. That says a lot of positive things about you. You can love them and be completely aware that there are limits to the dynamic of a loving relationship with them. You can love them at one level of intimacy and be incompatible at another level. So, can you love this man at a non-romantic level, value him as a person and friend but see him as incompatible for a romantic, intimate relationship right now? If you can do that, you can change the dynamic of this and avoid the rubber band effect. If he can't or won't participate at that level, then you have an answer about how he feels about and values you. Sometimes these things are hard to face. There are other men in the world. There are even some who aren't waffling back and forth with ex'es. Find them
Author Ruby Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you Carhill, your kind words helped I am really struggling here, I know one hand that I need to let him go and yet I still keep answering his calls and listening to him talking about her. My best friend is really cross with me as she has spent weeks listening to me crying and offering so much help and advice and now I think she is annoyed with me too.
dreamergrl Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 He only wants you back because things went sour when he returned to his ex. Just keep asking yourself one question, "Do I want to be someone's second choice?"
Author Ruby Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 He only wants you back because things went sour when he returned to his ex. Just keep asking yourself one question, "Do I want to be someone's second choice?" Do you think that it could work with us now??
NewEnglandGirl Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Ruby, You are a pretty girl, why put up with this BS? Forget him!
dreamergrl Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Do you think that it could work with us now?? You are missing the point. He dumped you, went back to his ex, and only is going back to you because things didn't work out. Why would you want it to work out? He did this once, he can do it again. You may not even be the first one he's done this to. You can love someone with all your heart, and that is a great thing, however, that doesn't mean that the relationship is healthy.
Author Ruby Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 I mean do you think if he forgot about his ex that we could make a good go of things?
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