Ruby Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 My boyfriend of 3 months bumped into his ex last Friday and I have hardly seen him since Up until this I would see him everyday but now he says he is busy working She has been texting him saying that she hopes he is happy and that she could not handle seeing him with me at this moment, and now he is telling me that he is going to meet up with her as he has alot to say to her as he is so angry with her. Since then I have hardly seen him even though we talk on the phone every day. They split up 3 months before we met and went out for 4 years. He talks about her alot to me (every day) and expresses huge amounts of anger about her. I am so upset but what do I do?
itgirlragdoll Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 3 months really isn't a very long time to get over someone you spent 4 years with. So...I would be worried too. I would say if his behaviour continues, don't even bother with him anymore. If he still has feelings for his ex, which I would be willing to bet he does, you will be nothing but a rebound girl. Why did things end between them? Did he dump her or vice versa? If she dumped him, he is probably still holding out hope she'll want to get back together. I know you said he only expresses strong feelings of anger toward her, but anger is still a feeling, a very strong feeling. If he were truly over her, he would not feel anything toward her anymore; he would be indifferent. Give it a few more days and if it continues, it's pretty obvious what's going on.
djdiablo Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Tell him you don't care how angry he is with her. You want him to spend that time (that he wants to spend arguing with her) with YOU! Voice your concern and tell him that you are not comfortable with him actively seeing her.
nittygritty Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 It doesn't sound like he's over her at all. He's going to meet up with her because he's angry and has a lot to say to her??? Rather than listen to him talk about her everyday (which is disrespectful to you), Why not dump him?
Mary3 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You were a totally Rebound girl. From beginning to the end. As soon as they whine about the ex , Run ! Thats advice for the beginning...
Citizen Erased Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Even before this... He talks about her every day? Huge red flag there. Huge. I'll go with Mary, rebound.
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I cant sleep She broke up with him and treated him very meanly. He said they they text each other on Friday night and when I asked to see the texts he said he deleted them. He has told me he loves me and what we have feels so real. He could always make time for me before but now it seems he is busy at work, he works from home so could make time to see me if he wanted to. Is there any chance he will meet with her and realise that our relationship is much more healthy then theirs was?
Mary3 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I'm sorry but its the beginning of the end. When a man who has all the time in the world from you dissapears and an ex in involved , he is debating what to do. Likely whoever initiated their breakup wants to return to what it was. Now it could be possible he spends sometime with her and remembers why they broke up. But if she did the breaking up then he is still pining away for her. I would prepare for this to possibly be permanant. All hopes say he figures out you are da Bomb and comes back . Be prepared for either outcome.
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 He came and met me earlier and he seemed fine, I have not mentioned to him how I feel as I realise that pressure from me will not change a thing. I am seeing him tonight hopefully What is the best thing for me to do?
sultry33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 He came and met me earlier and he seemed fine, I have not mentioned to him how I feel as I realise that pressure from me will not change a thing. I am seeing him tonight hopefully What is the best thing for me to do? look damn hot but dont give him sex stay strong if he wants you and not the ex then he show it dont be anyones 2nd choice though
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 How will I know? If he talks to her I will only know if he tells me I am so confused
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Don't be confused. You're not his sounding board. If he starts in, simply cut him off and tell him that he needs to work out that stuff with his ex. When he has it worked out, he can contact you. You might still be available (said while looking smokin' hot ). If you were a platonic female friend, things would be different. You're not What would happen if you dumped him and dated other guys for a year?
redant Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 If you can, observe him. His actions. He may say alot of things to make you happy, but think about what he does and what he talks about. I would say let him talk about his ex, but know that he may not be over her. Be smart don't fall for him. You may have to move on. I have been in your situation many times. I'm still not sure y or if it is common, but I have been the rebound girl in my last few relationships.
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Ruby I hate to say this but your boyfriend is NOT over his ex at all. He talks about her every day and most importantly carries a lot of anger towards her, which means he is still very much emotionally attached to her. I would dissappear if I were you and explain to him that you have been doing some thinking and realised that he is just not ready for a new relationship, tell him you care about him and would like to be with him but not until he can firmly close that door to the past and feels emotionally ready to take up with you. It's only fair, and it is what you deserve. Three months is nothing he is still going through the whole process of breaking up and is simply not ready to be invoveld with someone else quite frankly he secretly probably wishes his ex wants him back, that is where the anger stems from, he was the dumped one so he has unresolved issues.
dreamergrl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Not only is he not over his ex at all, but he's keeping you around incase they don't get back together. You're his back up. Ditch him now before you get hurt worse.
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I have already fallen for him big time, for me this is the real thing so to just tell him to forget it would feel like chopping off my right arm! It has taken me 8 years to meet a man like him and I just cant let him go like that. I did realise at the beginning that he is not over his ex, he even talks about her to my girlfriends when they come around and even they have told me he is not over her. Do you think it is possible that they meet and he realises it is over with her and its me he wants? I am scrared to give him an ultimatum
dreamergrl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I have already fallen for him big time, for me this is the real thing so to just tell him to forget it would feel like chopping off my right arm! It has taken me 8 years to meet a man like him and I just cant let him go like that. I did realise at the beginning that he is not over his ex, he even talks about her to my girlfriends when they come around and even they have told me he is not over her. Do you think it is possible that they meet and he realises it is over with her and its me he wants? I am scrared to give him an ultimatum A man like what? A man that has barely given you any time because his ex that he's not over popped back into his life? If obviously wants to continue seeing her, and that will not help him get over her. He's juggling two girls at once, and using you as "just in case". It's only been what, three months? To me, you are now seeing the man that he is, which isn't what you thought.
redant Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 He probably wooed you and you fell for his charm, and now you realize there is someone else in the picture. Now you see the reality. He probably did not discuss her when he was trying to get you to like him. I know it is very hurtful, but I don't think you are seen things objectively. You will see later in a few months he is not worth it. He is not what you thought he was. If he is let him clear his head and you do the same. Why don't you straight up ask him if he wants a serious relationship with you? Are you bf and gf?
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 OP, while I'm sure this man has some great assets, he's telling you an important answer about compatibility. Is this type of behavior and perspective the hallmark of a man who is compatible with you? You state you've "taken eight years"..... eight years since what? Your last relationship? Marriage? Here's the last relationship you posted about; with followups more recently, as recently as September, by my readings... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159835/ Too much, too fast on this one would be my read...
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Yes we are together and it is serious. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids (I am 44 so that is unlikely) we have seen each other virtually every day we got together,it is only now that there seems to be a problem. Maybe he will meet up with her, or not and just be over her. He has to get over her at some point doesnt he?
dreamergrl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Yes we are together and it is serious. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids (I am 44 so that is unlikely) we have seen each other virtually every day we got together,it is only now that there seems to be a problem. Maybe he will meet up with her, or not and just be over her. He has to get over her at some point doesnt he? No, he has the option of getting back together with her.
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I have already fallen for him big time, for me this is the real thing so to just tell him to forget it would feel like chopping off my right arm! It has taken me 8 years to meet a man like him and I just cant let him go like that. I did realise at the beginning that he is not over his ex, he even talks about her to my girlfriends when they come around and even they have told me he is not over her. Do you think it is possible that they meet and he realises it is over with her and its me he wants? I am scrared to give him an ultimatum Falling really hard for a man is not enough, he has to feel the same way as you do about you. One sided love can NEVER work out. I think it is possible that they start to hang out again (you out of the picture) and that their old problems start to creep up again and him having a eureka moment and realising "what am I doing this will never work" and this time HE closes the door on the relationship. OR in the least she dumps him again only to further cement any more willingness on his part to be with her ever again. Only then would you have a fair chance with him. But this could take time it could take a long time, and would you be prepared to wait around for him? I don't think it is possible that he continue with you and get over his ex at the same time, NO WAY, not while she is still in the picture you will always be second fiddle to what he truly feels for the ex his heart is not open to you the way your heart is open to him.
Author Ruby Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 So you all really think that he will get back with her? He really talks bad about her and has told me he will never go back. He is an honest person I am sure he would tell me if he wanted her back, wouldnt he?
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Falling really hard for a man is not enough, he has to feel the same way as you do about you. One sided love can NEVER work out. Yes, I am the poster child for that truism. Avoid it at all costs. My "too much, too fast" comment was borne of that experience. OP, this man and his ex have unfinished business, and only they know the scope and extent of it. You're setting yourself up for pain and suffering if you make him the prize to be won. No man is a prize, and I say that as a man with self-confidence. We're all just slogging our way through life, just like you are. If I was dating and being intimate with a woman and found out she was "talking" to her ex about anything other than official divorce-related or child care issues, I'd simply inform her that it isn't appropriate for me to interfere in their still-continuing relationship and would bow out. I've made enough stupid mistakes in that area to see the health in that approach. If I could remain as a friend, resolving romantic feelings, I'd do that, but I'd never make her the object of any perceived competition. She has to want to be with me. And, so, does he have to want to be with you. Remain distant and friendly and see what happens.
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 It's as Carhill just said and basically what I was going to say, which is only he and his ex know the scope of what is left there. He may very well be an honest man, and he may honestly not know where he stands with his emotions right now he may be confused and that's not good for you either way. It could be dependant on what his ex is willing to do next. So really you are not even relying on just his actions, you are relying on the actions of his ex which will in turn dictate what his next move is. Heck he may even be kidding himself that he is ready to move on, in his head he may think he is ready but in his heart he is not. His actions don't lie. Let's put it this way, if he were really over his ex he wouldn't be seeing her again or carrying so much animosity towards her he would be done with her, and unfortunately he is not. Whatever his feelings are about that relationship they are not resolved yet it is far too soon for him to truly know where he stands, he barely even gave himself time to accept the breakup before he started with you. And I am not saying that scenario can't work out, if it was he who dumped her maybe but being the other way around it seems like he didn't fully come to terms with the end of his last rel. At the end of the day you know him better than any of us, but the fact that he has pulled away as he did is a big red flag.
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