Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 My kids are 13 months apart. I know how that sounds, but most people my age are unmarried and have kids. Huh? You have an immature, "instant gratification" approach to marriage. And the irony is that your approach and actions to this point are the LAST thing that will get you the sexual connection you want. You need to slow down and think a little bit... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 OK UF you stick to your attitude - if it suits you. I will stick to trying to help the OP if he wants that. How about you tell him what your husband would do. That way he knows what won't work. OK, to try to stick to helping the OP, what would your 'Clear and Firm response' have been ? similar to OP, ie kicking your pregnant wife out ?? In answer to your other question, yes it is ok to deny your partner sex if you really don't want to have sex, it's not ideal by any means, but to have sex with someone when you don't want to for fear of being thrown out is IMO much worse, that's no sort of life, that's sexual slavery. I would have stated that I was very disappointed, and gone on with my day. Maybe slept on the couch. It is Ok to deny your partner on occasion. When it begins to happen alot... the relationship is over. I tried for a year to make things work. I did every nice thing you can think of... no real change. You know what fixed the problem? Leaving. Suddenly I became very attractive. I would not suggest he go that route... I don't have kids. But he really needs to fix the situation fast before it spirals out of control. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 How about you tell him what your husband would do. That way he knows what won't work. . I don't understand what you mean Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I would not suggest he go that route... I don't have kids. But he really needs to fix the situation fast before it spirals out of control. So I'm suggesting that the OP grows up and supports his wife a little bit more, which to me seems to be a major factor, what are you suggesting again ? you say he shouldn't leave, what are you actually suggesting he do ? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I don't understand what you mean Wuggle is right lets start over. How do you think OP should handle this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Bashing the husband is not a good idea. He is a kid. He is 21. But he ponied up and married the girl. How many guys today do that. OK now on to the issue. The reason your wife does not want to have sex are three that I can see. Every time you BOINK! her. She pops out a baby. That's 1. 2. She probably has postpartum depression. Did you buy a wonderful present after she gave birth? NOT THE BABY. HER? 3. Have you asked her if she wants you to get a vasectomy? You need to pony something up. What was a quick squirt to you at the time. Took 9 months of her life and now an 18 year commitment. Not that she doesn't love the kids but the situation here is like a ham and egg breakfast. The chicken is involved. The pig is committed. Understand? She needs your love and understanding right now. And a much help as you can provide around the house. And if things get to intense there is always flogging the Bishop. I mean, It is your soap and you can wash it as fast as you like. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I wish I could poor my 30 years of marital info into you. But it doesn't work that way...... I will give you some advice about wives. Ask any of them here. The most successful way to get your wife hot and wet is to . Get up with the baby in the middle of the night. Cook the dinner and then do the dishes, do the washing. Take the baby for the day as soon as she will let you and get her a day spa ticket. Tell her you love her and hold her (without wanting to jump her bones). She will be dripping. Next, is do it consistently. Here is a challenge to you. See how long you can go without making any demands on her whatsoever. If she does not come around in a couple of months. Then you can address the issue with her. That is unless she brings it up first. Asking her if she would like you to get a vasectomy (and meaning it) is a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 So I'm suggesting that the OP grows up and supports his wife a little bit more, which to me seems to be a major factor, what are you suggesting again ? you say he shouldn't leave, what are you actually suggesting he do ? I'm suggesting that he sit his wife down and have a very clear conversation about expectations and needs. That goes both ways, because he should understand what his wifes needs are and how she is feeling. It should be ver clear that cutting him off for long periods of time is not acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I agree with UF here and I think you're attacking a strawman version of his position simply because it differs to yours. Nobody (including the OP) is saying that kicking her out was a good idea or the right thing to do. It was a mistake and we all know it. But pandering to her slack attitude in the hopes of pity sex is a mistake too. Unless they both effectively communicate their needs and set some relationship goals to aim for, this is just going to fall apart. Link to post Share on other sites
stepka Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 All good advice here so I only want to add one more thing--let her know that she's still beautiful to you. Women do not feel beautiful when they have young'ns--they feel like a dog with a litter and it's even more so if they breastfeed. Their breasts are sensitive, whether they nurse of not, so they often can't stand for you to touch them. Just let her know that she's beautiful and sexy and she'll come around in time. (oops no pun intended!) And don't kick her out anymore--women remember that stuff til the end of time, and the second time would likely end your marriage. Once, and you might laugh about it on your 50th anniversary--twice and you'll end up divorced--if not now, later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hu5baNd Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I appreciate all the comments, all the good and bad. I do wish that I could have the knowledge of someone who has 30 years of marital information. But hey, I have to start somewhere. So I ate dinner and talked to my wife. I talked her into reading this thread. I will be setting her up an account and she will be replying to this thread, granted shes a little more blunt with her comments, I think this would be good for us. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Great, I look forward to reading her posts. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I appreciate all the comments, all the good and bad. I do wish that I could have the knowledge of someone who has 30 years of marital information. But hey, I have to start somewhere. So I ate dinner and talked to my wife. I talked her into reading this thread. I will be setting her up an account and she will be replying to this thread, granted shes a little more blunt with her comments, I think this would be good for us. Actually I would think that with a 1 yr old and a 3 week old newborn that if your wife has an extra 1/2 hr she's most likely better off using that time to try to nap,grab a shower,throw in yet another load of laundry or get a meal on the table. She's not even 6 weeks postpartum, while I understand you've got needs I think your expectations at this point are a bit on the unrealistic side. Oh and I lived in a sexless marriage, dutifully working and paying all the bills so that my then husband could surf for porn and cruise craig's list looking for hot bodied young babes so I know all about going without touch ,passion or even just affection. Getting angry and demanding doesn't get you sex.. it gets you divorced, it gets you alimony and child support payments. My now ex husband still surfs for porn,still meets women on craig's list.. and I get to foot the bills for it.. and I still don't get sex,passion or even basic affection from anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 . So she came home and we reconciled. Now my son is about 3 weeks old and I cant even get a blow job. I got one the other night and it was the best I ever had in my life. But it was like pulling teeth to get her to even touch me. Im a young dude, and I dont have much of a problem in the female dept, but I am seriously thinking that we are heading down that oh so common path...Someone please help me!!!! You almost cheated on your wife, chose not to (right choice btw) came home and was horny, made a move on your wife, she said no and you flipped out, kicked her out of the house with your 2 kids? Do you know how crazy that sounds? Also, 3 weeks after the baby was born you shouldn't be expecting sex let alone a BJ. This woman, your wife has carried 2 children of yours for 9 months. She's been pregnant longer than not in the past 2 years so give her a break! Try masterbation, it helps! Seriously, get a grip and be an adult. Sure it probably sucks not to have sex right now but LOOK what you have in your life! 2 kids and a loving wife, a home and a life being built together. If you want to throw all that away because you're not getting laid enough, go ahead. Put yourself in your wifes shoes for a while and see how sexy you feel. Imagine being knocked up twice in 2 years, having to deal with hormones, body changes, mood swings, breast feeding, not enough sleep etc.. When was the last time you pampered your wife? WITHOUT expecting sex from her. When was the last time you held her hand for no reason? Told her you loved her, that she is beautiful and sexy, made her feel special? Have you cooked dinner, helped out with the kids, given her a break? Or have you been just thinking of "you." Don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to grow up abit and not expect sex just because you feel horny. Take showers, take care of it by your own hand. Now, with that being said, your wife does need to include you. She needs to communicate and listen to you just as much as you need to listen to her. Together you both can compromise and not have these insane fights that end up with her out on the street all because you want sex and she's said no. To do that to your wife, the mother of your children is not cool. I hope you understand how wrong that was. Anyway I hope things get better and if they don't, seek counselling together. You're both young and have alot of growing to do, hopefully it'll be you two growing together as a couple and building a strong marriage, a healthy family life. Link to post Share on other sites
Hu5baNd's Wife Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 i should start by saying we do have sex...not as much as he wants or b*****s about but we do have sex. i have a whole lot more on my mind than sex, its more than the kids, and its more than my marriage. i think about all the s**t that i have ever put up with and i cant let it go...if thats what stops me from wanting to have sex so much then so be it...i was wrongfully cheated on on countless occasions...and thats why when it comes time to get in the mood i cant. i have forgiven him for the stupid things hes done but i cant forget them. i love him and i love our kids to death but the forgetting part of the forgiving and forgetting is what i cant bring myself to do...now i know my husband wasnt going to tell you guys all of this but since were being honest i figure i might as well share it...we got married at the age of 18 (he asked me) we got our own spot and things were going good...a little later on down the road i found out that he cheated on me in training, his reason was because he thought that i was cheating...i forgave him...later after that we moved to arizona where i got pregnant with our first child, i later found out that he had graduated to f*****g some one else...i forgave him for that too...we later moved back to cali where he again got caught in the act with that so called female soldier...i forgave him AGAIN...now you women out there tell me if you can take a man that cheats once, let alone some one who does it back to back...well thats it i may have low self esteem in myself because it seems like even when i think things are going right it doesnt matter because hes always caught cheating anyways...it makes me feel like hes looking for someone other than me all the time, like hes looking for some one thats not me or like me at all...now thats our sex problem...i on the other hand have an in law problem...he says my mom gets on me about my weight but his mom tries her best to get him to divorce me...shes always in our business and constantly trying to ruin our marriage...she makes me so mad i cant even stand to hear her voice, but i try my best to get along with her for my husband...i dont have any other way to describe her except for WORST THAN THAT MOVIE MONSTER-IN-LAW but try 10,000 times worst...she tries to make my life a living hell...and i cant talk to my husband about it because he will either take her side or not listen to me at all...i feel like its a constant battle between me him and her...some times she acts like SHES married to him...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT? if we could take our kids and disappear off of the face of this earth that would make me happy that way i wouldnt have to try to compete against this crazy woman...im the wife I SHOULDNT HAVE TO COMPETE!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Why are you worried about your mother in law? Aren't you worried about your husband's other women? Ugh. This is like an episode of Jerry Springer. It's a mess. He's a cheater. You married too young. Get a good lawyer because if this lasts I'll eat my hat. Please think of your kids first. THey need a mom and a dad. And for everyone else PLEASE take heed. These two married WAY too young. Marriage is not for the young and immature. No way. This is sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hu5baNd Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 ...a little later on down the road i found out that he cheated on me in training' date=' his reason was because he thought that i was cheating...i forgave him...later after that we moved to arizona where i got pregnant with our first child, i later found out that he had graduated to f*****g some one else...i forgave him for that too...we later moved back to cali where he again got caught in the act with that so called female soldier...i forgave him AGAIN...[/quote'] ...A little clarification...I received a BJ from a female in training. I confessed to that and we had it settled...or so I thought. Then when we went to Arizona, I did what MAJORITY of men do and f****d a female. I did so using my little head and not the bigger one. I know alot of people are going to send the stones flying towards me now, but Im ready. Hopefully getting all of this out in the open with multiple points of views and hearing from other couples that have been through this before will help overcome this hurdle for us. Just FYI, I only messed around on hertwice, that thrid time she claims was not anything at all, granted I did participate in some cell phone texting that a married man has no business doing, but being without "it" for as long as it had been I was starting to slip up. I caught myself and have been on the straight and narrow ever since!!! I do want this to work thats why whenever the urge comes up I let it be known, hence the fact that she says I b***h alot. lol. But I went and spoke with our chaplain and he was the one that said I should voice my opinions about our sex life and let them be known, because most spouses that cheat do so after having kept sexual frustrations bent up inside for so long...I dont know if thats true or if its some type of twisted justification for me, but it helps to know that when I do let her know I dont have to walk around like a idiot with all this crap on my mind. Oh yeah, for the people that say I need to Choke the Chicken---The chicken didnt do anything wrong...j/p...I do and Im tired of having to do it, Ive been doing that crap since before she had the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 No... I've been through that as a guy! It's bull**** and there really is no excuse for it. Besides... you have no right to call anyone a selfish arrogant prick! You've done worse times a thousand! So shame on you! Holy cr@p!!!! You are beyond clueless dude. Trust me on this because I know. I have a 3yr old and a 10 week old so I am dealing with what she is( except for the @$shole husband). I am normally a huge freak in the bedroom for my H, we usually have an incredible sex life. After my sons birth I lost my sex drive for a few months, we still had sex everyday after he was a week old because I know that men are more prone to cheat when they are denied sex at home...but I really didn't want it yet. Now after my daughters birth I am just incredibly tired with these 2 kids and can't get in the mood to save my life and don't have enough energy to put into sex. I know my sex drive will go back to normal soon enough, my hormones need to even out and I have to find a way to get more rest. I know that my H is highly prone to cheat but even that knowledge just can't get me to even fake it for his sake...I am exhausted, and this is normal and natural. It just takes time...so OP, don't get her pregnant again if you aren't man enough to handle what it does to her. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Ok . Wow, so he is a big time cheater too?? If 'Hu5baNd' doesn't become more understanding of 'Hu5baNd's Wife' soon then he should be put out of the house. If you want to stay married after all of this cr@p then you should kiss her @ss for the rest of her life and learn to be more understanding. My H was a cheating bastard at one point too ( and like OPs wife I don't forget just because I forgave) , and he has had to deal with my lack of sex drive after the baby as well....but let me tell you, he is 1million times more understanding then OP!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hu5baNd Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Ok . Wow, so he is a big time cheater too?? If 'Hu5baNd' doesn't become more understanding of 'Hu5baNd's Wife' soon then he should be put out of the house. If you want to stay married after all of this cr@p then you should kiss her @ss for the rest of her life and learn to be more understanding. My H was a cheating bastard at one point too ( and like OPs wife I don't forget just because I forgave) , and he has had to deal with my lack of sex drive after the baby as well....but let me tell you, he is 1million times more understanding then OP!! ...Im under the impression that your still with your husband. Therefore how are you able to drop your two cents on it contradicting what you did in the same situation. In all due respect how would you know how understanding I am just by reading information off of a forum. You dont seem too bright, now if you were to come on saying that you've been in this sort of predictment and have overcome similar obstacles perhaps that may work. But by saying that your husband, whom I assume to be older than me, was a cheating bastard, one is left to assume that he did it numerous times that you know of. I on the other hand admit Im young, stupid, and immature. However I grasp myself as a man and father of 2 and said I need to stop and get help, because this is a problem that needed to nipped in the bud before I become a "cheating bastard"!!! I have passed that point in my life and am working on building a better marriage, and yes I still have kinks in my chain, as do most of you. Some of you have problems WAY bigger than trying to bust a nut, you guys go into psychological things and etc. Im not saying that Ill be the best husband in the world overnight, but I can dam sure try and make sure she continues to get the love that Ive got. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 You know, I was going to post advice to the (original) poster telling him to not let his wife come on here because it potentially could descend into a verbal spat, tit-for-tat mutual hating society f*** up. This happened with 2 other posters.... who came on and ran a personal "back-and-forth" thread and discussed their relationship in public. "Dirty laundry" doesn't cover it. Too late, the wife has posted. This is like watching an illegal dog-fight. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 ... In all due respect how would you know how understanding I am just by reading information off of a forum. . Wasn't hard to figure out once you said that you kicked your pregnant wife out of the house because she wouldn't make love to you right then and there....because another woman got you turned on. That doesn't sound too understanding. BTW, my H and I have overcome this problem. He knows this situation isn't permanent, the sex drive does come back. The one thing that made it easier for me is that he wasn't an @ss about it, if he had been then it would have further turned me off. Yes he has cheated more then once, but it most definitely sounds like you have too. Marriages can survive infidelity, but the unfaithful one really has to earn their forgiveness continually. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Look, get into marital counseling. The question really is, whether husband is willing to do what is required to convince his wife that he will be a better husband, won't cheat on her again, And be willing to love her sacrificially as it is written in the bible. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. And gave himself up for it. The fact is that the man sets the tone of the marriage. Especially in this case. If he wants a different marriage. He has to be different then he has been. The question is whether he thinks its worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Marriage counselling is the answer here and your wife needs to see that you're only into her and not going to run off to bang other women because you're horny. You two married TOO young and the maturity level isn't there to understand the concept of marriage and committment. Being a family man, being responsible and accountable for your choices and actions is something you need to work on. Sorry to be harsh but get your priorities in order! I feel for your wife and what you've done to her so early on in the marriage. You haven't proved yourself trustworthy in her eyes, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I received a BJ from a female in training... Then when we went to Arizona, I did what MAJORITY of men do and f****d a female... In light of this, the title of your thread ("Worried that the problem is me???") is somewhat ironic. Yes, the problem is you ... You and your W need to get into MC post haste. And you need to decide whether or not you can be a married man and father or are more interested in acting like you were single and without responsibilities and committments. The choice is up to you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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