Knight_Ctrl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I was thinking........My ex strung me along for a month, broke my heart and less than a week later started dating my friend....the same guy I asked a month ahead of time if she was interested in and she said no. What I'm wondering is if I should forgive her......not for the sake of ever being together with her again. But just for the sake of being able to let go....or would it be better for me to hold onto my hate and my anger, to help me get though this......sometimes I think it is easier if I'm just genuinely pissed off about everything. I've accepted that I'm not over her yet, even though I've tried to lie to myself and tell myself that I was. I'm losing my mind guys, someone get DSM in here, I need some advice.
lonelygurl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I was thinking........My ex strung me along for a month, broke my heart and less than a week later started dating my friend....the same guy I asked a month ahead of time if she was interested in and she said no. What I'm wondering is if I should forgive her......not for the sake of ever being together with her again. But just for the sake of being able to let go....or would it be better for me to hold onto my hate and my anger, to help me get though this......sometimes I think it is easier if I'm just genuinely pissed off about everything. I've accepted that I'm not over her yet, even though I've tried to lie to myself and tell myself that I was. I'm losing my mind guys, someone get DSM in here, I need some advice. I personally do not believe forgiveness has any affect on the healing process. I know some people believe it does. I know some have said they have called their X's to say they forgive them to make them feel better, but why. Why ease their guilt to make them feel better....let the bast*rds feel some pain I say. What is forgiveness really going to do for our healing. For me I don't feel it has anything to do with it. We have to work on ourselves to heal and if we "forgive" them then our healing is not about ourselves but about them, is it not???
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 i haven't much relationship experience..............only one under my belt, and it was a messy break-up. i've forgiven him for certain things..............and i think it has helped. i'm still angry, but seriously mellowed since everything happened. it's easier to forgive than to forget. your ex doesn't have to know you forgive them, if that's what this is about. especially if they didn't treat you right. but i think forgiving them helps you to just accept what happened. which of course makes things easier on you.
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 sometimes I think it is easier if I'm just genuinely pissed off about everything. If hate and anger is genuinely going to help you get through this phase, then that would make the most sense for you right now. Later on, when forgiveness will feel like a "better" or "saner" option for you, then you can reconsider at that time. The only thing that makes no sense for right now, is to NOT forgive and then to also feel crappy/guilty for not doing it. In that case, might as well just do it and eliminate any crappy/guilty feelings. If that makes, er, sense? For me, forgiveness is part of the whole process but it's not something that can be rushed.
thegoodlife Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I have found that after a while (and it may take a long while as it did for me in some cases) it gets to the point where you're so over the situation and so past it that you don't care anymore. And at that point you can either chose to forgive or not, but it really doesn't matter and I think that's best. Wait it out.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Well, hello my friend. You rang? It's better to hold onto hate and anger til you're 100% over her. In fact, I don't think in your scenario you'll have much of a choice. Forgiveness will come in time, when you realize you were too good for her. (Once you're over her). You came to this site because you had a heart and felt pain. She ran to the arms of someone else, so she wouldn't have to face her problems or pain. (Or for some other selfish reason). In short, you're too good for her. Laugh at her through the anger.
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Actually, here's a quotation that has always stuck in my mind: "Forgiveness doesn't let them off the hook. Forgiveness lets you off the hook." Find it, if you can, within your heart and mind, to metaphorically talk to them, visualise them, but keep them in dumb silence and vent at this mental image in front of you... Let rip with everything you would say to them in your rage, sorrow, anger, fury and despair..... And then tell them you realise for your own good, that you have to start learning how to forgive.... Every day, look at a mental image of them, and say to them: "For my sake, for me, I forgive you. I have to. So I do." In time, you will find your attitude =transforming. It des work. Truly it does. But you have to give it time, and persevere. And you really do have to want to do it. Forgive - and the healing is a little easier.
wuggle Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Forgive her or not, not important. Forgive yourself for anything you may have done wrong, understand that you are BOTH just human and BOTH make mistakes and move on. You only have to look at yourself in the mirror for the next 60 years, make sure you're happy with what's looking back. Take care.
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