AphGr Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Well... Hello there. I'm new, and I have a very big problem. Like uh... 4 years ago, I got abused by my first boyfriend. It was my first time, and it took me a while to get over it. Anyway. Now he has a relationship with a good friend of mine (we don't talk anymore, me and her told each other rude words and we had a big fight ) Now those 2 persons are together... In a relationship that I found by luck just today. My question is... Should I tell her of what he did to me, or not? Any help/advice is more than welcome. Thanks for reading, AphGr~
quankanne Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 is your concern for her enough to try to reconcile so that you can help her if/when he begins the cycle with her? That might be more effective than trying to tell her what he did, because I guarantee she isn't going to believe you. However, if you're willing to help her through a similar issue, it's a whole other thing.
carhill Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Different people, different time, different relationship. Was the abuse violent, causing physical injury? If so, do not read further. Physical injury and/or threat of death contravenes any advice I might give regarding non-disclosure. Report your experience immediately. IMO, if you could not share it with her when it was happening to you, I really can't see what good would come of it now. It would surely, in light of your difficulties with her, not improve that situation and it could taint her potential R with your ex for no concrete reason. I would say the same thing if it were a man asking the question. If you have common ground to re-connect with her, and do, then you could ascertain signs from your interaction with her and, as and when appropriate, share your experience. Remember, it happened with he and you four years ago. She is not you and now is not then. People and relationships change.
O'Malley Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 People don’t like to meddle into other people’s affairs, and her reaction to your disclosure probably will be denial and hostility. By disclosing, you have to accept that it could permanently impact your relationship with your friend, and that she will use and read into the information you provide the way she chooses to. Or you could choose, as other posters have stated, to reestablish a relationship with her and only bring up your experiences when they seem relevant to her current situation. If there was a definite pattern of abuse (including non-physical acts such as threats of violence and stalking), then you should inform. At the least, it will make her more aware that he has a pattern of abuse if he begins to demonstrate abusive actions towards her. If you care enough for your friend, despite your dispute, would you want her to be hurt by this person?
Author AphGr Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Well... First of all, I'd like to thank you for taking time to see my problem and make suggestions. The point is... I had told her back then, although I didn't say his name. To anyone. I should have told to my dad, but I was afraid of the worst. Our friendship was strong. We were close friends. I'll call her tomorrow afternoon, and tell her. And people like him don't change... He was beating his girlfriend like 4 weeks ago, and she's a friend of my boyfriend. I just have guilts... What if it happens to her as well (hopefully it doesn't) and she doesn't react as well? Not only she'll get hurt by him, but also we'll both feel sorry for not being able to understand what kind of person that guy is...
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Well... Hello there. I'm new, and I have a very big problem. Like uh... 4 years ago, I got abused by my first boyfriend. It was my first time, and it took me a while to get over it. Anyway. Now he has a relationship with a good friend of mine (we don't talk anymore, me and her told each other rude words and we had a big fight ) Now those 2 persons are together... In a relationship that I found by luck just today. My question is... Should I tell her of what he did to me, or not? Any help/advice is more than welcome. Thanks for reading, AphGr~ Sorry to hear about this! You didn't specify which type of abuse? If they've been together for a while, I'd wager that your friend and the guy in question have probably seen each other through rough times - and she might have seen any signs of abuse (or been abused herself I'd imagine) by now.
Author AphGr Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Sorry to hear about this! You didn't specify which type of abuse? If they've been together for a while, I'd wager that your friend and the guy in question have probably seen each other through rough times - and she might have seen any signs of abuse (or been abused herself I'd imagine) by now. When I say "abuse", I mean sexually abused. And they're together for like a week, from what I've heard.
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 What does your instinct tell you? My guess is that you do want to tell her. My strong recommendation is to go with that feeling. Look at the possible outcomes: You tell her and nothing happens: she already doesn't like you, so telling her won't change anything. You two have a long and happy hatred.You tell her and something does happen: she has a better chance of defending herself, at least being aware that it might happen.You don't tell her and nothing happens: she's lucky, but you keep worrying. After all, just because he didn't do it yet, doesn't mean he won't. He does have case history, after all.You don't tell her and something does happen: now you both feel like s__t; her for what she suffered and you for not doing anything to warn her. If there's already bad blood between you and her, you have nothing to lose by telling her, and you could just save her. Let her know that you're not the only one he's abused; don't name names, but at least it'll show that your warning isn't just envy on your part (the whole 'jilted lover' thing). Then, if he abuses her despite your warning, you'll at least know that you tried. It won't make either of you feel any better, but at least you won't have the guilt to go with the anguish.
O'Malley Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Due to his violence, I would again say to disclose -- but from a safe distance. You can't predict what an abuser will do, or how he will react to your notifying your friend of his behavior; your safety is paramount here. Have no contact with your ex and do not be afraid to call the police if he harasses or threatens you. Call your friend or send her an email; simply discuss the facts and that you are concerned for her safety. Do not mention or discuss the prior dispute you had with her. At least she will have a warning of what he is capable of doing, and it might make her able to recognize his pattern more easily and more willing to leave him and/or prosecute him should he become violent towards her. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Have you ever sought counseling?
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