Should I go or should I stay and settle

[lostsoulmate]

I have been with my daughter's father for 6 years, she is 4. We have been engage for 2 years. Our wedding is supposed to be in Oct of 2010. I have recently realized I am not happy.

I am not happy with my life. I live where my fiance grew up. 14 hours, by car, from my home. He has no family, it is just him and his dad (his mom died in Nov. I actually found her. It was awful). My entire family lives two hours from each other, but it is 14 hours from me.

I understand that I should be happy in order for "our" relationship to work, but he doesn't want to move with me. He really won't even entertain the idea. He said he doesn't want to move there and then end up like me. Unhappy and alone.

I don't know if I am reading too much into it, but I feel like he doesn't want to get married either. I asked him outright last night, he response was... "My life is screwed up right now."

Should I take that as a yes, or no? Should I be upset that he wouldn't even entertain the idea? Should I be upset he doesn't seem to be fighting for me? I kind of feel like now, maybe I should just pack myself and daughter up and go. I don't know if he would care I was gone. I know he would freak out about me taking our daughter. He is a very good father.

He won't really talk to me about it. I did tell him that I think I have been unhappy for about two years, but never found the right time to tell him. I told him two weeks ago, I realized there was never going to be the "right" time.

When we were talking he got really sad, and would say things like "If you leave me I will have nothing. It would just be me and my dad. Great life." Do I need to worry about him? I am just trying to figure out how to get myself back on track and now he has me feeling guilty for wanting to be closer to my family and for being unhappy. He did say it would be good for our daughter to know her grandparents, uncle, aunts, counsin, great-grandparents.

I am so confused! Help!

[blind_otter]

It seems like you really want to leave, but I may be reading too much into your post. What about your current life makes you unhappy? Is it specifically the distance from your extended family? Is it the quality of your relationship? Is it a combination of many things? You say you have been unhappy for about 2 years - what changed, 2 years ago? Are there any external circumstances that occurred to contribute to your feelings?

 

You also mention that your partner's mother died in November. Was he close to his mother? If so - this could really be messing with his ability to relate to you, right now. I say this just because of my own personal experience - my father died in October of 2006, but in the months leading up to his death (from lung cancer) up until probably a YEAR after he died - I was not the best partner. I was very caught up in my grieving process. The only thing that helped was some intensive therapy.

 

I think that your partner did not intend to make you feel guilty by mentioning how depressing his life would be without you and his daughter to be with him. So I don't think that he said that to you with malice and forethought.

 

Have you considered relationship counseling? I know it sounds cliche, but I think that it's a good idea to at least try, given that you have a daughter together.

[marlena]

Well, I understand how you feel but your marriage should come first. I say marriage because you two have a daughter together and she, together with the two of you, make up the real bond and not some piece of paper. All this of course, if you still love your "husband" and want the relationship to work. This is what you have to clear up in your heart and mind. Your initial family is important, I agree, but your immediate family is your partner and your daughter. They should be your top priority UNLESS of course you no longer want to be with him for whatever reason in which case you have to leave.

 

If he is still important to you, then, try to build a closer relationship with him. You are an adult and need to face life on your own. It's one thing to want the support and love of your parents and another to want to be constantly in close contact with them. With adult life, the umbelical cord is cut and responsibilities need to be lived up to.

 

Perhaps you could visit your family more often.

 

M

 

Oh, to add, why are you so stuck on a piece of paper? Is this what is REALLY bothering you?

[lostsoulmate]

blind_otter: Background: I am 30, living with my daughter's father for 6 years, we have been engaged for 2 years. We own a house, live a quite life.

I have recently figured out I have a big problem. I am not happy here with him. My family (all my extended family even) live about 14 hours ago by car. I moved to my current place looking for work and was running from a relationship. I met my fiance 4 months after living here. He was the first person I met, outside of work. We had been together for 6 months when I found out I was going to have our daughter. I FREAKED! I am 14 hours from my family, living with a man I really didn't know. I decided that I wanted my daughter to have a life I never had. A stable home with a mom and a dad that live together. I wanted it so badly for her.

 

More Background: Over the past two years my fiance and I have had some rough times. Feb '07 his 61 year old mother (he is an only child. They had him very late in their lives) had back surgery. She was to come home in 5 days she didn't wake up for 5 days and she didn't get out of the hospital for 16 weeks. Then she was still very sick at home. I get a new job April '07. Two months go by and she is back in the hospital for open heart surgery July '07. She recovers and is doing well at home. Aug '07 I collapse at a race track north of where we live. I have to have surgery on my gall bladder, they say I am lucky to be alive. At the same time they tell me I am pregnant. YIKES! They do not want to wait to do surgery as my gall bladder is that bad. I say yes to the surgery, but ask about what it will do the the baby. They can not give me any answers because they usually don't do surgery during the 1st trimester. I end up terminating the pregnancy on Sept '07. My fiance and I weren't sure what to do about the complications that could/would happen from the surgery. We made a decision, I am OK with it. Things are as good as can be expected. We are making it through. So I thought. April '08 I go back home to see my little bro finally graduate from College. My crazy mother (More Background: My mother mentally and phyiscally abused me and my bro until I turned 14 and my father got custody of us. I have seen and been around things and people "normal" people only see on TV. She was a drug addict) came with me on the 14 hour trip. She is abusing her meds and is passed out most of the time. It's better than her trying to get me to think I am crazy.Two weeks after the trip my mom calls me (she lives out on the east coast) and tells me she thinks I need to get home right now. Something bad in happpening to my daughter (I had just left for my once a week "Girls night out"). I told her to shut up and left it at that. She called the next day and told me my fiance has "hit" on her (she has only been to my house 5 times in 6 years.) For six months I don't speak to her. She accused my fiance of doing "something" to my daughter and that he made sexual advances toward her. My great aunts passes away fall of '08 I decide to try and talk to my mother, realizing that life it too short. Nov 10th 2008, I go to my soon-to-be in-laws house to drop off my daughter (my soon-to-be mother-in-law) is going to babysit for a few hours. I find her on the kitchen floor, barely breathing. I call 911. She doesn't make it. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. WATCHING SOMEONE FIGHT FOR LIFE HAS CHANGED ME! I try to carry on, for my fiance and his father, my daughter. I know this is not the right time to explain how much I want to move home and be closer to my family. I know it's not the right time to tell him, but going through his mother's passing only made me want my family more.

 

Fast forward to now: I had to go home (my step-mother almost bleed to death, my 83 year old grandpa is in the hospital (diabetes) and his wife, my grandma is being flown to a bigger town to have open heart surgery) over the New Year's holiday. Why didn't I end it sooner? I looked for the right time to talk to my fiance. Then as I was driving back to my charade I realized there would never be a "right" time.

 

Does that explain the situation more?

 

Marlena: We are not married, yet. The wedding and the piece of paper do changes things somewhat. I was never a kid. I was always the adult, always.

[marlena]

We are not married, yet. The wedding and the piece of paper do changes things somewhat.

 

OK. But in what way? Would a marriage certificate make you feel differently or in any way change the problems that exist? Would it make the problems go away, I mean?

[lostsoulmate]

OK. But in what way? Would a marriage certificate make you feel differently or in any way change the problems that exist? Would it make the problems go away, I mean?

 

 

They cost money... to do and to undo. If I am this unsure, why would I want to put the money into it and not into my move home.

[marlena]

They cost money... to do and to undo. If I am this unsure, why would I want to put the money into it and not into my move home.

 

Sorry! I must have misread. I thought you wanted to marry your partner, that it was important to you and that it was part of the problem.

 

You sound very reticent about this man and more inclined to leave him. If that is what you really want, then, all you have to do is to make up your mind to do it.

 

What is holding you back?

[lostsoulmate]

Sorry! I must have misread. I thought you wanted to marry your partner, that it was important to you and that it was part of the problem.

 

You sound very reticent about this man and more inclined to leave him. If that is what you really want, then, all you have to do is to make up your mind to do it.

 

What is holding you back?

 

I guess for the last two years I have given, given, given and I finally want to receive. I want to receive happiness.

I also feel like if something ever happen to him, after I mean, it would be my fault.

[blind_otter]

Well you list a lot of external events, but you have not yet even remotely touched upon the relationship you have with your partner.

 

Also, there is a lot of turmoil recently, and a lot of stuff that has happened to you would make anyone struggle to deal with the emotional backlash (there is always an emotional backlash, IME, though it can sometimes take months or even years to fully develop inside of you).

 

To be honest with you, it seems like you have your mind already made up. Are you searching for validation for your decision to leave your daughter's father? Ultimately this is your decision, and you will live with the consequences. Just make sure that you think them out, not just for you, but for your daughter.

 

My S/O has an older son with his exW. Up until 2 years ago she lived in our town, which made visitation easy. He saw his son often, during the week he would pick him up from school sometimes, and keep him until dinner time - beyond the every other weekend routine. But then she decided to move to a town 4 hours south of us and it has made visitation difficult, having to drive so much on friday and sunday every other weekend. No more weekday visits.

 

I can only imagine how difficult it would become to have your daughter going 14 hours back and forth every other weekend to visit her dad. And she WOULD need to be able to visit with her Dad, you should not consider keeping her from him. Unless you are taking what your "crazy mother" said seriously.....

[lostsoulmate]

Well, I know I am not in love with him. I do love him, but not as a lover. I think I might be having a mid-life crisis. Is it possible to have that so early in your life.

 

I feel like being with my partner trying to live this life with him, I have truly lost myself. We do things he likes, we see his family, we don't see him in the summer time, I feel alone and lonely at the same time.

 

Where did "I" go? I feel like if I move home, where it is more comfortable for me to be "me" (if I find myself through all this) at least no one would judge my pain and sorrow. They would just love me because I am me.

 

My heart is dark and cold one minute then I am a emotional wreck the next. I need to find myself quickly.

[blind_otter]

There is such a thing as a quarter life crisis, I don't know how old you are, though.

 

My father always said that you can run all the way around the world and still have the same problems you started out with. Moving home, or anywhere for that matter, will not solve your problem for you. IME you can find you wherever you are, if that makes any sense. You just have to put the effort into it.

 

Do you do things that your partner likes, and nothing that you like - because he insists upon it, and ignores your needs? Or is it because you don't mention what you like, or ask that you guys do things you like? You don't see your family - is this his decision, or yours? Does he not like to see your family for some reason, or do you not make the request?

 

Here's a question. Did you have a really strong handle on who you were prior to getting involved with this man? Did you "lose" yourself, or did you never really know "you" to begin with? I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just asking questions that I think you need to be asking yourself. To be honest with you, I don't think I knew who "I" was until about 2 years ago, and I'm 29!

 

I mean, I know more than a few women who lost themselves in motherhood. They got all caught up in giving of themeselves to their children, and lost everything else in the process - including their romantic relationships with their husbands/partners.

 

I seriously think you should see a compentant therapist to deal with this because it seems (just from these few posts) that this is a personal issue, moreso than a relationship issue. It seems like this is about how you feel about yourself rather than about your relationship, though I'm not too sure as this is just a handful of words in your vast emotional landscape.

[lostsoulmate]

There is such a thing as a quarter life crisis, I don't know how old you are, though. I am 29 as well.

 

My father always said that you can run all the way around the world and still have the same problems you started out with. Moving home, or anywhere for that matter, will not solve your problem for you. IME you can find you wherever you are, if that makes any sense. You just have to put the effort into it. I would like the support of my sane family members.

Do you do things that your partner likes, and nothing that you like - because he insists upon it, and ignores your needs? Or is it because you don't mention what you like, or ask that you guys do things you like? You don't see your family - is this his decision, or yours? Does he not like to see your family for some reason, or do you not make the request? He insists upon going racing (that's all he has ever done). He ignores what I like to do, because he is gone racing (out of town Friday and Saturdays April through October). We can't finanically afford to go to see them very often. But I went to see my brother graduate from college last spring and he wouldn't come with me. I drove myself and daughter (along with my highly overmedicated mother 14 hours). He is jealous that I have family, I think. He is an only child and now only his father survives.

 

Here's a question. Did you have a really strong handle on who you were prior to getting involved with this man? Did you "lose" yourself, or did you never really know "you" to begin with? I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just asking questions that I think you need to be asking yourself. To be honest with you, I don't think I knew who "I" was until about 2 years ago, and I'm 29! Yes, I do think I knew who "I" was. In the process of trying to have this "life" with my fiance I think I let go of who "I" was and began being who he wanted "me" to be.

 

I mean, I know more than a few women who lost themselves in motherhood. They got all caught up in giving of themeselves to their children, and lost everything else in the process - including their romantic relationships with their husbands/partners.

 

I seriously think you should see a compentant therapist to deal with this because it seems (just from these few posts) that this is a personal issue, moreso than a relationship issue. It seems like this is about how you feel about yourself rather than about your relationship, though I'm not too sure as this is just a handful of words in your vast emotional landscape.

I have been through loads of consueling. I am afraid to do that right now. If I decide to move back home and leave my fiance, I think he would try to use me getting "help" as a bad thing. He would use it against me to try and get custody of our daughter. I just need to make the decision and leave. I am not happy with him. I need to quit thinking about how much it is going to hurt him. I need to be happy before I can make anyone else happy. RIght?

[blind_otter]

Well I'm not a good person to ask such questions. I was involved with my son's father way before I ever discovered who "I" was, and being with him helped give me the stability to understand myself and become a happier person. But I do understand that this would be difficult, if not impossible, if your partner was not supportive of your personal evolution. Also, if he wants you to be something that you are not comfortable with, that is no good either.

 

The only reason I think you should make efforts to reconcile your relationship with your partner is for your daughter. I think that children do benefit from having two loving parents who contribute to their well being. But if your partner does not parent well and does not contribute to your daughter's well being, if she is not attached to him because he is absent so often, then I can understand that perhaps there is nothing to salvage.

 

If he does realize that you are losing yourself and are extremely unhappy, but he does not think it is worth it for you to get the help you need, then I can understand why you would want to leave him.

 

Still, I encourage you to think on this long and hard. Know your family financials, and understand how you will manage to handle childcare and finances on your own. Don't assume anything - don't count on the help of your family members, unless you discuss the issue with them and get a verbal agreement in place. Go into this with a full understanding of the implications of your decision, not only for you, but most especially for your daughter. If you move 14 hours away she will be losing her father, and that can be difficult to handle. My partner's older son had a lot of behavioral issues after his parents divorce (he was 5 at the time) and his parents lived in the same town!

 

I know that I loved my father very dearly, and there was one point when my parents were having troubles when I was about 6...I remember saying to them that if they split up, I wanted to go live with my Dad. I think that shook my mother up a lot, and they worked things out.