JamesM Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Today I got a call from a girl I dated twenty years ago. We dated for about a year or so, then we both got married and started a family. Amazing how time flies. Anyhow, she wanted to know if I would go to lunch. Of course, I said yes. She is as beautiful as she has ever been. She is older, but she has only become more beautiful. We talked and looked into each others eyes. We talked of our children and how things have been. We talked of our jobs. The familiarity was still there. It is as if we had never been apart. We had a great time. And as we left to go to our separate cars, we had a long kiss. Her tender lips and the love in her eyes....they are still as I remember. The connection is still there. What a woman! I watched her as she cleaned the snow off her car , and marveled at her beauty. It was as if the years melted away and I saw the same girl as she was then. Ah, young love! Does it never go away? I don't think I want to ever lose her. We will have to do that more often. I need to make more time for her.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 We had a great time. And as we left to go to our separate cars, we had a long kiss. Her tender lips and the love in her eyes....they are still as I remember. The connection is still there. What a woman! I watched her as she cleaned the snow off her car , and marveled at her beauty. It was as if the years melted away and I saw the same girl as she was then. This better not be about your wife!
Dumbledore Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 That's a great story. Sometimes things are not meant to be, but you will always keep that special place in your heart for her.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 This better not be about your wife! Did you mean to say this better BE about your wife ? Mr. Lucky
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Did you mean to say this better BE about your wife ? Mr. Lucky No, I went back and read some of his other stuff about his marriage.
Author JamesM Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 No, I went back and read some of his other stuff about his marriage. I am curious...what did you read about my marriage that caused you to make that comment?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I am curious...what did you read about my marriage that caused you to make that comment? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114568/ I started with that thread and followed onto a couple others. So, did you write this about your wife?
tommyr Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 JamesM, 18 months ago I hooked up with an old/new girlfriend and you immediately rained on my parade. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126479 Is it your turn to fool me back? Let's hope this new girl is more willing to meet your needs than your wife has been. By the way, things are still going great with my new girlfriend.
Author JamesM Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114568/ I started with that thread and followed onto a couple others. So, did you write this about your wife? I wrote it about..... Today I got a call from a girl I dated twenty years ago. Did your wife know about it? Yes. JamesM, 18 months ago I hooked up with an old/new girlfriend and you immediately rained on my parade. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126479 I had forgotten, but now I remember. Is it your turn to fool me back? Let's hope this new girl is more willing to meet your needs than your wife has been. By the way, things are still going great with my new girlfriend. Yes, and I hope she is, too. But truthfully, the flashback moments at lunch made me realize that while things are not always perfect, this woman is who I love. Whatever happened to her all of these years is the mystery I need to solve. And I am glad things are going well for you. I remember your thread was one of those that made me stop and think.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Of course it's his wife. He is too much of a p$ssy for anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, apart from a life full of sexual frustration and misery - but we all make our choices.
Kamille Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 You're talking about your wife aren't you? aaahhh! Now it all makes sense. I was worried for a few days there James! I'm glad you had a great lunch!
Touche Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Of course it's his wife. He is too much of a p$ssy for anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, apart from a life full of sexual frustration and misery - but we all make our choices. Wow, SO uncalled for. Maybe some people are just jealous. Where in that post did you get the idea that James was miserable? I haven't read all your threads, James. Just enough to gather that there's maybe an issue with the frequency regarding sex. Well that's normal in a long-term marriage. It waxes and wanes. But the love is always there. And as long as the love is still there, the sex life and desire come back, in almost every case of an otherwise good marriage. Hopefully, by now, you've already found that out. I'm SO glad it was your wife you were talking about! Phew! And although others will say (like the poster above) things like they wouldn't want to have a marriage like yours in a million years or wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole or whatever other nonsense they can come up with to mask their jealousy, they will never understand. Most people bail at the first sign of trouble. I've had people tell me they would have bailed on my wedding day! (that's another story!) But when you love someone like I have no doubt you love your wife, and I love my husband, you're in it for life and you ride out the bad times together. My worst days being married are still better than my best days being single. (No offense to the happily single..that's just me being perfectly honest about it.)
Author JamesM Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 You're talking about your wife aren't you? Yes. Of course it's his wife. He is too much of a p$ssy for anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, apart from a life full of sexual frustration and misery - but we all make our choices. Thanks. Ya know as harsh as this sounds, sometimes I have felt the same way. But I know that I always have three choices: Leave my marriage, live with my marriage as it is, or fix my marriage. And by leaving it, I can divorce or have an affair. Truthfully, sometimes leaving it has seemed most attractive and I am sure it will be that way again. But the deep love and commitment I have for my wife keeps giving me hope during that low times, and then the low times become so much better. Even when the feelings seem to disappear, I remember that I did say for better or for worse. I have posted threads here out of frustration and doing so has helped in letting me see how I feel and reading how others see my situation. It usually gives me some sort of action or hope to keep going. If I measure my marriage on the amount of sex we had, then I am sure I would find it lacking too often. I know why it is low and I have some ideas that may help. The question I ask myself is...would I be better off with or without her? And then...is it worth breaking up my family over? And the answers have been always...better with her and not worth breaking up my family over. aaahhh! Now it all makes sense. I was worried for a few days there James! I'm glad you had a great lunch! Sorry. I couldn't resist the vagueness. I had some flashback moments at lunch that day. Sometimes when we have lunch dates we get those early dating feelings back again. Not that we don't have many good feelings throughout our days, but the feelings I am thinking of are the ones where you look at the other person as if you had just met her. I haven't read all your threads, James. Just enough to gather that there's maybe an issue with the frequency regarding sex. Well that's normal in a long-term marriage. It waxes and wanes. We have more waning than waxing. Also, one has to decide what priority sex has in a marriage. The question is...what matters how often or how well? I'm SO glad it was your wife you were talking about! Phew! And although others will say (like the poster above) things like they wouldn't want to have a marriage like yours in a million years or wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole or whatever other nonsense they can come up with to mask their jealousy, they will never understand. This is so true. When you meet someone who holds a very special place in your heart, then she (or he) is more important than the number of sex events in a month. It is not about making me happy...it is about making us happy. But when you love someone like I have no doubt you love your wife, and I love my husband, you're in it for life and you ride out the bad times together. And that is what it is all about...together. I know (I think) why her libido is low and I want to figure out how to change that with her. What would my life be without her? At this point, worse. My worst days being married are still better than my best days being single. (No offense to the happily single..that's just me being perfectly honest about it.) Actually, I cannot say I have always felt this way. Yet the other part of this is...can I think of anyone else who would be better than her even if I had sex (or whatever else I am missing) as often as I wanted? And the answer is no. The respect and admiration that I have for her does not leave even when I am frustrated with her. So yes, this thread was simply some heartfelt emotions about my wife.
Touche Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 James, I'm not normally an emotional woman but you brought tears to my eyes. Your wife is such a lucky woman. You are a good man. So few of you guys left. I think I got one of the last ones in fact. Hope your "waxing" days prevail soon, James. My money's on you.
Author JamesM Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you, Touche. One of the few "chick flicks" that I liked was called The Notebook from a few years ago. To me it embodied exactly what a long term marriage should be. For those of you who have not watched it, the story was of an old man who told his wife a story of two young people who fell in love and were married. The dedication of that old man to his Alzheimer's diseased wife was very moving to me. Even now, I can get emotional over it. Anyhow, the man told the story in hopes that he could get his wife to act "normal" again, and it worked a couple of times. It is an example always to me of how a man should not just give up on his wife even when all hope seems gone. And when my own wife has been in a deep depression, this movie has been an inspiration to me. "But James, ahem, that is JUST a movie." Yes, it is, but I also know of a real life example. In my town, there is a man who is in his seventies or eighties. I have known him all of my life. Anyhow, I remember visiting his house many times while I was in my teens and twenties. His wife and he were friendly and had time to chat. About three or four years ago, his wife declined mentally. The last time I saw her almost normal was when she visited church for the last time. It was noticeable that she was already "out of it" somewhat. She was dressed in a nightgown-like dress, white socks, and slippers. For a woman who always dressed "to the nines," this was a sure sign that she was "losing it." Anyhow, a year or two ago, after she had a stroke, she was moved to a nursing home. She no longer had any recognition of who was who. I drove by it many times on my way places. Always during the day, I saw his car outside. When the weather was nice, I would see him pushing his wife in a wheelchair down the sidewalks. Even though it was obvious that she was unaware of her surroundings, he still brought her outside into the fresh air. Sometimes one of his daughters would be there to chat with him as they walked. She died this past December. What was the purpose? Why did he do all of that? She would not have known if he walked her or talked with her. What gave him that motivation? "Until death do us part." I know of another man who when he and his wife reached their sixties, she somehow became mentally imbalanced. She no longer could function as she once did. She also had to be put into a nursing home. At some point, she also no longer recognized him. For awhile he cared for her, but then he met a nurse...a woman who was fifteen years younger. They began an affair. Eventually, he divorced his wife (who was not cognizant of that fact) and married this woman. They are happy together now. I met him after he was married the second time. He is a genuinely nice man. Why did he "quit" his first marriage? Why did he not keep up the commitment until the end? Can we fault him? Can I say I would do differently? As I was typing this, my wife called. She just wanted to hear my voice and talk. What did I get out of that? For whom was the conversation? My point is...marriage is a commitment. It transcends sex and daily living. It is about a mutual bonding and commitment that says "I love you for who you are and for what you will become. Your problems are my problems. My problems are your problems. Together we can come up with solutions. And if one of us is incapacitated, then the other will cherish him or her until death." This is my motivation. I know my wife has that same motivation. I pray that we can both keep it for life. I feel very confidant that my wife has teh capability to be a good caretaker. I have seen her working as a nurse, and none compare to her in my eyes. I hope she has that same confidence in me that I have in her. I hope I have the strength to be the man who stays with his wife until death and not be the one who deserts her in a nursing home.
blind_otter Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Oh, James. You are a wonderful man! I've always admired your opinions and thoughts, as that's all I know about you via this medium.
Curmudgeon Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Even though it was obvious that she was unaware of her surroundings, he still brought her outside into the fresh air. What was the purpose? Why did he do all of that? She would not have known if he walked her or talked with her. What gave him that motivation? "Until death do us part." ...and "For better or for worse. In sickness and in health." I know of another man who when he and his wife reached their sixties, she somehow became mentally imbalanced. Eventually, he divorced his wife (who was not cognizant of that fact) and married.... Why did he "quit" his first marriage? Why did he not keep up the commitment until the end? Can we fault him? Can I say I would do differently? We can if we choose to. I know I would do differently. You see, James, my wife and I have both reached our 60s. I arrived there a couple of years ahead of her. I was 50 and she was 48 when we married so neither of us were spring chickens and we married knowing that the robust good health of youth was fleeting and our time together would be finite. In the end it's simply a matter of love and commitment, no matter what the age. As always, just one man's opinion.
Star Gazer Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Holy hell, James! I'm SO glad you were talking about your wife... I was so worried, as I had come to know you as such a wonderful man! And this just proves my gut instinct was right. Your wife is a very lucky woman.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 How did I miss this thread? It's probably a good thing or I might have said something regretful! It's wonderful to see someone who truly loves their spouse. Salut James!
Trimmer Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Of course it's his wife. He is too much of a p$ssy for anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with that, apart from a life full of sexual frustration and misery - but we all make our choices. Damn - I wish I were miserable like that...
jasminetea Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Damn - I wish I were miserable like that... James, I knew, knew, knew it was your wife you were talking about. You wrote it with such a deep, abiding love. Wonderful!
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I knew this was about your wife, James. She is very lucky to have you and you, her. The man that divorced his mentally incapacitated wife, you can do that? How unfortunate for him (to be in such a position). It is my opinion that he might genuinely be happy, but he lives with his own conscience about what he did. I don't condemn him. I just know it wasn't an easy decision and one that met with a lot of resistance from within him and outside influences. The decision to abandon one that mentally doesn't know is gut wrenching. I've had to do it even though I wasn't married to the person.
Author JamesM Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 We can if we choose to. I know I would do differently. In the end it's simply a matter of love and commitment, no matter what the age. I agree. It is a matter of choice. And that commitment is easy to declare when everything is going well. It is the hardest when one partner is incapable of honoring his or her end. I hope and plan on sticking with my wife to the end...if I am the one who has to be the strong partner. For me, memories of better times will help me deal with the difficult times. We have known no other partners than each other, and we began as "spring chickens." At that young age it is easy to say that "we will grow old together." Now as we are reaching middle age, it is still just as easy to say, but now we realize that it may not all be a garden of roses. Yet the love we have for each other is certainly deeper than the young love we had in our twenties. Your wife is a very lucky woman. Thank you. And I feel despite our problems at times, that I am a very lucky man. How did I miss this thread? It's probably a good thing or I might have said something regretful! Truthfully, I wish you HAD made such a remark! It could have made for a great thread. And thank you. I value your opinion. James, I knew, knew, knew it was your wife you were talking about. You wrote it with such a deep, abiding love. Wonderful! Thank you. I knew this was about your wife, James. She is very lucky to have you and you, her. The man that divorced his mentally incapacitated wife, you can do that? Thank you. I am not sure how he came to a situation of divorce. I know his children actually supported his decision. Yet I wonder if when he and his wife had made their vows, she would have viewed his decision as the right thing. How would WE view it if our spouse decided that since we no longer knew him or her, that he or she would simply move on and let the medical profession take care of us. When I first heard of it as a young married man, I had a hard time dealing with this decision of his. And when does our vow end? At death...not at the moment when our spouse does not know us. While I am not condoning an affair under such a situation, a divorce goes farther and publicly declares a disavowal of a commitment. Is it any different than when Senator Edwards cheated on his wife while she has cancer? I guess the point of my thread is to state that while I may have some issues with my marriage, the commitment I made keeps me trying to solve those issues. It is a love that goes deeper than simply a feeling. Any one here who has been in a marriage for a length of time knows the feelings, the ups and downs, and the challenges that cause one to reconsider their commitment. Yet in reality, that commitment was made BECAUSE of such hard times. If marriage was always a time of wonderful love and never a time of hardship, then a commitment would be easy to say and keep. Marriage is for better, for worse, and for keeps.
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