Struggling with LC/NC.....when does the hurt even begin to go away...

[KismetGirl]

Hello all...

 

I know I haven't been around in a few weeks. Been trying to get my head together....last I was here I was trying to finish up my last pre-req for med school, and MM had just broken things off with me, and I was totally destroyed. I ended up getting a C+ in the class, which is the worst grade I've ever gotten in my life, because I was so depressed I barely went to work OR class, didn't study. Now I have my MCAT in 10 weeks and haven't started studying for that. Not that he's worth me ruining myself, but I can't seem to get my head straight.

 

I haven't seen him in person since December 3rd, when he stopped by two weeks after breaking up with me and we ended up sleeping together. I got one email from him around the holidays because he's supposed to be writing me a recc letter for med school. Other than that, we haven't spoken at all. Some days it feels like Im getting better at forgetting him, trying to stay busy, talk to friends....but then lately it seems like I haven't even started to get over him. I called him today to talk to him for a second about the letter he has to write me, since when I emailed he hadn't written back, and he said he hasn't been at work in a couple weeks so hadn't checked his work email. Hearing his voice on the phone is so confusing. It makes me want to start crying at my desk and fall apart.

 

it just seems like it never gets easier. I've gone out on several dates since he broke up with me, and even kind of hooked up with this guy I used to go to college with who adores me, and I just can't get excited about any of them. I desperately try to find distractions from MM but it doesn't seem to really work. I've been back on anti depressants for at least a couple months now and they're not helping much at the moment either. I have the worst insomnia, I sleep like an hour a night, and have been missing so much work my paycheck was like, cut in half the past month and half.

 

I look pretty calm on the outside, and yes, I can go out with friends for dinner and forget him for an hour or two, but as soon as Im alone it goes right back to it. It's pathetic because as much as I know he is a fruitless endeavor, I can't help in the back of my mind wonder if he thinks about me, or if he'll change his mind again about breaking things off like he's done in the past. I can't help but secretly hope that when he's done writing my recc letter he'll offer to drop it off in person instead of saying he'll mail it. Pathetic of me, huh?

 

I don't know that I really have a question....I think I just felt lonely and depressed for a moment and needed to get something out. I know it's silly to think I'd never meet someone again that I love this much, but it sure feels that way, as irrational as it may be. Emotions aren't really ever rational in their way of making you think though, are they. *sigh*

[2sure]

Your heart is broken and it is going to hurt until you are healed. And believe me - I understand the hurt - it is as physical as it is emotional.

You know all the cliches, so I wont bother to repeat them...but they are true. There is nothing but time that can heal you. Friends, guys, like you said - nothing more than distractions from the pain. You could meet a great guy, your soul mate - but you wouldnt notice right now.

 

Bad timing regarding your studies - but you just have to hunker down. You have simply got to absorb yourself in your studies - they are way more important than your emotions right now.

 

PS You can get a letter of rec from someone else and you know it.

[LavendarGirl]

Kismet,

I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil. I bet it has been quite a month, especially with school and the holidays. I wish I could give you some fantastic advice to make things easier for you, but just take it one day at a time, and just concentrate on yourself, getting some sleep, and getting through the MCATS. Hang in there!

[KismetGirl]

PS You can get a letter of rec from someone else and you know it.

 

 

:-) Actually, I needed one from a direct supervisor and my one for the last 2.5 years got fired right before I could ask her for one and last I heard she moved to Canada. Bizarre huh? MM was my boss at my last job so I had no choice but to ask him if I wanted a "supervisor" letter, which I kind of need as I work in healthcare and schools would wonder why I couldn't get a suprvisory letter....I have to admit, he emailed a draft of the letter and it's possibly the best letter I've gotten out of all the other people that have written me one. Go figure. I guess he knows me better than all of them do...though I will admit imaginging him sitting there and writing all those nice things about me, knowing our history and how people will read this letter and have no idea, it made me weird and sentimentally sad.

 

I know I know...all the cliches.....I just don't know what else to do anymore. Distractions don't work for long, I try to focus on the studying, but I guess Im just having a really bad couple of days. The New Year hasn't started off so great for me for a couple of reasons and it's just compounded on my fabulous ability to immerse myself in pathetic self-pity. I was always rather good at that.

[whichwayisup]

Good reply 2sure.

 

PS You can get a letter of rec from someone else and you know it.

 

Honestly, if the exMM wanted to do the letter and it was of high priority for him, he would've done it already. He hasn't and reminding him through emails or phone calls is not going to change anything. The best thing you can do is NOT rely on him for that and definately find someone else to do that letter of recommendation. There has to be someone else to help you.

 

Time is on your side and this is where you need to dig down deep and focus on your studies. Focus that pain and anger, whatever else you feel INTO your studies and turn this into a positive.

[KismetGirl]

Good reply 2sure.

 

 

 

Honestly, if the exMM wanted to do the letter and it was of high priority for him, he would've done it already. He hasn't and reminding him through emails or phone calls is not going to change anything. The best thing you can do is NOT rely on him for that and definately find someone else to do that letter of recommendation. There has to be someone else to help you.

 

Time is on your side and this is where you need to dig down deep and focus on your studies. Focus that pain and anger, whatever else you feel INTO your studies and turn this into a positive.

 

No, no, he did already write a letter, a really good one, he had just emailed it to me so I could tweak it if I wanted and look it over before he signed them. I've just been dragging my butt on getting it back to him, and I finally did the other week when he wasn't at work to check his email. He wrote it right after I asked him to. Whatever is between us, I know he'd never screw me over with something like needing a letter or something work or school related.

 

But yeah, I will admit I was sort of almost glad I still had an excuse to be in touch. I've tried desperately not to say or call about anything off-recc-topic....keeping it impersonal and etc. Just been incredibly difficult.....

[whichwayisup]

Well, he did the letter and now there's no reason to be intouch anymore. Maybe him doing the letter is another form of closure for you..And with that brings along your saddness and pain of not having him in your life anymore.

 

Just keep in mind that you have your WHOLE life ahead of you and this bump in the road, as painful as it is, shouldn't prevent you from kicking ass in your studies or your future goals.

 

The guy was married and never was going to leave his wife and family..Bottomline, the A dynamtic is/was toxic for you so try to look at it as you're FREE now. Once you heal you WILL find love again, when the timing is right.

[Owl]

This is why LC really doesn't work well most of the time.

 

When you call and hear his voice...you suddenly find that all those feelings you thought you were past all flared right back up again. It "reset the clock" on your addiction to him.

 

NC is the only way that you'll eventually get over him. I agree with WWIU...you got your letter. Get it signed, and then remove him from your life.

[jwi71]

I really don't have any thing to add other than stay strong, stay focused and move forward.

 

Oh, and don't choose primary care as a specialty. Or Podiatry.

 

Its hard to see the future when you are always looking into the past.

[frannie]

Kismet, have you tried just simply focusing on you, and putting yourself and your work and career first for a time? Maybe just say to yourself you're not going to give it any more thought for, say, a month?

 

It is do-able, if you employ diversionary tactics. I'll give an example, if you put a rubber band round your wrist, and every time you find yourself obsessing over him, you say, 'no' and give the band a little twang. Don't allow yourself to go there. If you feel you simply have to worry about it for a while, give yourself five minutes to worry, and then after that, go back to the rule of no obsessing. Twang.

 

Other diversions: any time you think of him, you get up and make yourself a coffee. Or just get up and walk round the room or down the street, or call a friend, or play a game, or anything, doesn't matter what it is. Have a plan in mind and immediately do that thing rather than think. I know it sounds lame but it works for me, so I'm throwing it out

 

Then, focus on your work. Make yourself number one priority in your life. As I said, set yourself a timescale of say a month at first, and lay out specific (attainable!) goals to achieve. You're maybe thinking... but I don't WANT to do that..!!! (if you're like me)... I'd rather wallow, it's what I know! But you know what you do then..? Twang. Keep doing it until you snap out of the funk you've got yourself into... in a few days it will feel far more natural, and you will be able to snap out of it without the twanging.

 

Anyway... that's my way of getting through obsessive times! (and I'm PRETTY bad, let me tell you!).

[Billie63]

Hi Kismet, I was wondering how you were doing.

 

Well, all you can do is what the rest of us do when grieving a relationship - get on with it.

 

Frannie is right about the distraction thing - this is part of the whole process of getting over him.

 

Please ask yourself how are you going to cope with future traumas and your career? Will you be unable to function at your job when your mother dies etc?

 

You have to dig inside yourself and find your strength of character to at least safeguard your career.

 

The fact is you will get over this, it will take time, it may take 2 years so you may as well get on with the process of getting over him NOW. You have had a month of indulging in missing him. Now, you must take steps for Kismet - getting angry at him might help you. Yes, nice guy and all that - but his affair was not fair to you.

[KismetGirl]

You're all right, of course. I know this thread won't get much response, it's not the most interesting ;-) but i went through an angry phase, and a missing phase, and an angry phase, and now its just...i dont really know.

 

i try to push him out of my head. I focus like mad when im at work and I have patients to distract me all day....just harder when im home, which incidentally is when i need to study. Studying is one of the hardest things to do when you're upset. It is for me, anyway. I can go about my day, I can go to work, even, I can talk to patients, I can write reports at work, whatever. I can go out, I can cook, I can do lots of stupid things to distract myself, but its hard to "distract" yourself with studying. That takes a different sort of concentration, I think.

 

He always said he had the better end of the deal in the affair, didn't know why I bothered with him, I deserved someone who could give me more, etc etc. Not sure that's why he left this time, tho....I think he just had another one of his guilt fits, and almost getting caught again ....

 

I want to stop having daydreams and fantasies about him. Those are the worst, because they trickle into my actual dreams and I wake up feeling this sense of happiness for a second before I realize it was all a dream. I had one the other night, where me and him are in some school type building, and we're holding hands and trying to find a room to be alone, but everywhere we go there are tons and tons of people. Like a fair, or something. Some are strangers, some are family, friends. But everywhere we go there are peoplea, and no matter what we do we can't find a place to be alone. At some point we get frustrated, and stop running around. He looks at me and says "just please don't give up on me". And then I wake up. Stuff like that sticks with me, even though I know its just my subconscious working crap out.

 

The daydreams are annoying too. I find mysef doing it without realizing it, and before I know it, I'll have been sitting there five minutes having images in my head of what it would be like if we were together one day. I honestly don't even notice Im doing it sometimes , like Im outside of my own head, which doesn't make sense when I type it but maybe someone will know what Im talking about without thinking Im totally crazy.

 

Whatever I guess it doesnt matter. I miss him. I wonder when I'll meet someone else I feel about this way. It seems like it's been a long time since I have. Sometimes I feel like I'll wake up and be 35 and still single because I just couldn't get that spark with anyone else. Totally ridiculous, I know, especially as Im like 26, but what can I say, Ive been really stressed lately and perhaps not totally rational when it comes to certain things.

 

*sigh* i have no idea what im talking about anymore. sorry. thanks for responding, anyway...

[frannie]

... The daydreams are annoying too. I find mysef doing it without realizing it, and before I know it, I'll have been sitting there five minutes having images in my head of what it would be like if we were together one day. I honestly don't even notice Im doing it sometimes , like Im outside of my own head, which doesn't make sense when I type it but maybe someone will know what Im talking about without thinking Im totally crazy.

 

The only way of stopping this is determining you're going to do it, and then as soon as you notice what you're doing, say 'no', and do the distraction technique (rubber band, or whatever). You need to do it immediately and firmly. It really only takes a few days and you'll be in control of your own mind again.

 

Otherwise, if you're not ready for that, just admit it and make a conscious decision to keep wallowing. That way you're still in control. But you admit to yourself that you're allowing it to continue, with all the negatives that go with it. It's really your choice. Your mind is your own

[tchrgrl]

I always come here and read but I had to respond as I know exactly how you are feeling. The excuses to stay in touch are pathetic but provide some twisted sense of hope. I am on day 5 of NC and am struggling. I know it is right that the A ended and no one was caught, etc. But it's hard to go through the feelings of a break up with no one to share with. Sounds like you have friends to lean on and that's a positive. I have been doing tons of reading to help myself get through my situation and one phrase has sort of stuck with me...."think the moment through". Everytime I want to text him, e-mail him, etc., I say that to myself and think that I can get through that moment without kicking myself 5 minutes later for doing something that sets me back. I know I offered no real helpful advice but it sometimes helps to know that others share your pain. I hope things get better for you.

[jj33]

Kismet I just read a novel that may speak to you and to other struggling. It reduced me to tears by the end. Ita called This Charming Man by Marion Keyes. She usually writes books that are simply a fun read but this one is based in part on the experiences of women who suffered domestic abuse and is meant to honour their experience. Its about these women who were all involved with the same man who was abusive but they all loved him missed him and would have taken him back in a nanosecond. They thought they were special, that there were reasons for the way he behaved.

 

The book involved physical abuse but what came through in each case was the level of humiliation these women were willing to suffer to be with this man.

 

Putting aside the women like Lizzie and OWoman who have been happy with the A dynamic when an OW stays despite the lies, the needs not being met, all the other horrible things that go along with it there is something else going on.

 

And there is ALWAYS humiliation on some level. It comes in many forms. Some so subtle you hardly notice it as it happens. Or so blatantl that you cant process it until after the fact.

 

Like the times he slept with you and then didnt call for several days. Yes you can come up with 80 reasons he didnt at a minimum text you and tell you how much it meant to be with you again but that is humiliation. And it doesnt matter you know it but you still long for him. That is part of the whole emotionally ebusive cycle.

 

Read the book. Marion Keyes is a great writer. And by the time you get to the end i would be shocked if you werent sobbing away seeing your own emotions in those of the characters. Emotional abuse is subtle. Humiliation over 4 years time takes its toll on you. And you go back because you want to prove that you are sufficiently loveable for him to consistently treat you right. Its part of the cycle. Until you face it head on and see it for what it is and dont make any more excuses for him.

 

Read the book. I found it very empowering. And overall when we were together MM treated me very well. Noone likes to face the little humliations that are part of being the OW when you want more. But I still saw myself in the pages. There is a quote at the front of the book by CS Lewis that says "What You too? I thought I was the only one."

 

I know you are uber busy with school work etc but even if you just read a few pages a day it will be worth it.

[awkward]

Hugs for you KG. It will get better. He doesn't deserve your tears. It's gonna hurt but you will be okay. It just takes time.

 

Try not to contact him anymore. When he contacts you (and he will) hopefully by then you can tell him where to go.