Intergalactic Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 right, so it's been a long time now since we broke up. i don't feel anger, despair or deep depression anymore, and i'm not desperate to get him back. in fact, mostly i'm pretty happy. but i feel stuck. i stopped coming here for a long time because i realised it was making me dwell on the break up, and at that point i didn't need that. but that's not a problem anymore. my issue is that while i have been on a number of dates and even started "regularly dating" a couple of people (nothing exclusive or major though), and even REALLY LIKED THEM, i come back to the ex. not literally, of course - we're now living in separate countries. but we still talk all the time. he knew about the other guys, he wasn't stoked obviously but he didn't voice that, just got quiet. and randomly, it gets to the point where both his and my emotions sort of bubble to the top and spill out, and we tell each other we really miss each other. i get jealous if i think he likes other women (although he never mentions them), and he reassures me it's nothing, he doesn't feel that way about them. we don't really talk about the break up or our relationship, but if it comes up, we both get sad. he recently told me that he wasn't over me, not by a long shot, and that he only told me he stopped feeling "that way" about me because he wasn't ready for a relationship and i kept wanting to get back together. i don't really know what to do? i definitely don't want to stop talking to him, because i'm not under any sort of impression we're gonna get back together (impossible at this stage, and for at least a couple of years), i don't get sad after talking to him and it's not painful anymore. but there's just that... SOMETHING. i don't even know how to explain it. it's like it's there for both of us but supressed or something. god, i dunno.
Sysyphus28 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Whenyou are with someone a while(years) you establish a bond. Essentially, you KNOW that person(what makes them laugh, what they like, thier expressions or sayings, etc). It always feel good to slip into a comfortable dynamic. If your not hurting anymore, or angry anymore, you are getting far! Those two feeling can consume a person, and if you feel neutral you are doing great. *** EX: Me and my ex got into a hurtful argument recently, our relationship doesn't even matter anymore, our friendship is not working, we both feel wronged, it is about 7 months later with no hops of ever getting back together. I am even with someone new. Be careful about keeping communication with the ex, they still have the power to make you feel bad.
sinkerswim Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 May I ask you?? You said you now live in different countries from one another.. I have to back home to PA...900 miles away from my boyfriend..he is breaking up with me.. How do you deal with the fact that you are so far apart??? Does it scare you? It scares me to think I will be so far from him. We agreed to remain friends..but I know I cannot talk to him everyday. Any advice or wisdom is appreciated. I hope that you can continue to go down your path of healing..
Sysyphus28 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 divorce is pretty scary(I've never had that though) cause of all the lawyers and money and etc A break-up seems scary, but you get over it. You really do. They were not right for you-------------- NEXT---------- you live and learn every time. If thier was some kind of established problem and you repeat it in your next relationship that is NOT good. Think about why this didn't work. Be concious of that. ** If the person is farther away it is easy not to think about them I think
sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Wellllll, I'm stuck too so I doubt I have much helpful advice. What does strike me though is that you SAY it's not holding you back to be in contact with your ex, but I would bet large amounts of money that it IS. You get emotional comfort from him and he's always there for you to run back to. The old and familiar is going to win out over new and untested most of the time... so is it any wonder these other guys you date don't work out?
RogueAC Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Hey IG! I am glad you are happy. Feeling stuck is really frustrating tho. The 5-8 month period post-breakup seems to drag on. That feeling of I am better than I was but still not better. When the breakup first happens we make changes (extreme in some cases) to cope and try to reframe our lives. But sometimes, after a few months pass, and we start to feel better, we stop actively coping. We slip back into habits and thoughts that are harmful and maybe even let the ex back into our lives thinking that we are healed. I found to get unstuck I have to reevaluate my coping techniques. Are they still working? What do I need to change? Where am I stuck? Why? And then, the hard part, make the changes and stick to them.
RogueAC Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 i don't really know what to do? i definitely don't want to stop talking to him, because i'm not under any sort of impression we're gonna get back together (impossible at this stage, and for at least a couple of years), i don't get sad after talking to him and it's not painful anymore. but there's just that... SOMETHING. i don't even know how to explain it. it's like it's there for both of us but supressed or something. god, i dunno. Also, I hope I don't misinterpret, but this implies that you still want to get back together-- just in the future. This type of thinking will keep you stuck. If you move forward with someone new you might not be available to "get back together in a couple of years."
ChuckG Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I identify with the "for at least a few years" comment. It's an excuse to not move forward, at least it was for me. I could temper every negative realization with "Yeah, but I love her and she told me she loves me, so we'll work out once things get more settled." Maybe hearing someone else say it makes it sound silly, I hope it does. It should! It's one of the dumbest lies I've ever told myself.
ahhhchooo Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 You need to initiate NC. Ask yourself - What am I gaining from a friendship with the ex? Reconnect with old friends in your life if you can, or make new ones. Friends generally won't lie to you, and you don't feel too bad if a friend blows you off (not the sexual kind). I can't thank my friends enough.
Author Intergalactic Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 thanks for all the replies i probably made it sound worse than it is - i'm definitely not WAITING for him anymore, but i am (and always have been, with everything) of the mind that there is always the "off-chance". but i'm not waiting for that, not by any means. things ended with the two people i was seeing (i was seeing them at separate times, not at the same time!) because of other issues, things just not being right. i did really want it to work out with one of them though, but it turns out there were irreconcilable issues and i'm better off not going down that path. but it showed me that i can feel a lot for another person, not just my ex. as for the ex, i really don't know what it is i feel for him. it's definitely not what it was, it's a lot quieter than those overpowering love feelings i had. i don't know whether i miss him as a friend or as a lover, but i think it's mostly just HIM, the way he is and his personality and everything. it actually really doesn't make it any easier that he never cheated or did anything to hurt me, and that he admitted he didn't break up with me because he didn't feel the same way anymore, that it was more about the ability to cope with the relationship. i don't know what i want from what our relationship is now... nothing really, i guess, because if he asked for me back right now, i'd say no. i really really am against going NC because that was really just for me to get past the hurt - i want to, and always have wanted to, stay connected to him because he really did nothing wrong by me. i don't feel the hurt anymore, so i want to be friends. i am making new friends also, reconnecting with old friends, and opening myself up to many many new things but cutting him off is really not a road i want to go down.
Author Intergalactic Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 May I ask you?? You said you now live in different countries from one another.. I have to back home to PA...900 miles away from my boyfriend..he is breaking up with me.. How do you deal with the fact that you are so far apart??? Does it scare you? It scares me to think I will be so far from him. We agreed to remain friends..but I know I cannot talk to him everyday. Any advice or wisdom is appreciated. I hope that you can continue to go down your path of healing.. it scared me in the beginning. i was so afraid he'd forget about me, we'd lose touch, i'd never see him again, but really, moving was the best thing i could have done for myself. moving back home gave me my support system back, which helped me to get back on my feet, and it turns out that i now speak to my ex more than i did when i lived near him! we just don't get to see each other, which is really a GOOD thing because it means i'm not tempted to hang out with him when i know it's bad for me and will do nothing to help me move on. i hated being apart from him at first, and you WILL get the feelings of "oh my god i made a huge mistake and now i can't go back" but they'll pass and you'll get on with it. i've been home 7 months now and it's seriously FLOWN past. at the end of the day, if you keep in touch and that works out for you, you'll see each other again because most long distance friends do. i have friends in heaps of countries because of all the places i've lived in and i still see them. good luck to you!
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