My gf is worried about my ex for no reason. Stuck in a cycle I want to get out of.

[djdiablo]

CONTEXT: I dated my ex for 3 years before I went on exchange. After the exchange, the long distance caused problems in our relationship to come to light. I came back in July, fought for the relationship to stay alive for another few months until finally things came to an end in February. I broke up with her since I simply had no feelings anymore and the relationship was dead. Around April I met this other girl that made me quite happy. Then I went to Asia for two months, stayed in touch with her and when I came back we were together and we have been together for more than 6 months.

 

SITUATION: The thing is my gf is worried that I still have feelings for my ex. Why?

- I still have some emails from her... didn't bother deleting them from my gmail. I have not looked at them since we broke up.

- I see my ex's brother sometimes because he is friends with my friends.

- I refuse to go to parties where ex is. My gf says it's because I am worried I still have feelings for her. I don't want to go because I don't want to see her. I am uncomfortable around her due to our past. In fact, if I go and my ex knows, she shall not be there since she hates my guts for hurting her.

- My gf snooped around my computer and found that I was looking at pics of my ex. Only the pics were not just of her. They were from a party long ago. It just happened that she was in these pics.

- I told her (by mistake) that "Once you are in love with someone, you never fall out of love." What I had meant is that after you love somebody and it ends, you continue to care about that person and don't want them to get hurt.

- She sees visual similarities between the two of them since they are both Asian-Canadian. Honestly, though, that is the only thing they have in common.

 

I explained to her that I have 0 feelings for this girl. After all, I broke up with her and I have not had any contact with her since we broke up. Whenever we talk about it I go into monologues and something new comes up that my gf can spin into something bad. For example, last night I told her about the email that my ex had sent to stop sending her msgs from now on cuz it would only hurt more. Then my gf says "oh so you keep emails from her!!!!!!". And so, we go in a cycle. The roles were reversed for the last two months when I worried about her fling from the summer. But that is over since she had me meet him briefly and I realized by myself that I should not worry. I was thinking the gf should meet the ex but the ex hates me so I doubt she would even answer my call.

 

 

So far:

- I have told my gf the story about my ex

- I have done everything to show her I love her and I have gone to extremes

- I am involved in her career and her family since I want her for the long run

 

I want my gf in my life. I love her to death. But I need to get this resolved ASAP. Please, please help.

[Geishawhelk]

SITUATION: The thing is my gf is worried that I still have feelings for my ex. Why?

- I still have some emails from her... didn't bother deleting them from my gmail. I have not looked at them since we broke up.

 

Then delete them.

 

I refuse to go to parties where ex is. My gf says it's because I am worried I still have feelings for her. I don't want to go because I don't want to see her. I am uncomfortable around her due to our past

 

I thought you said you were over this?

 

In fact, if I go and my ex knows, she shall not be there since she hates my guts for hurting her.

So she's right. You still have feelings for your ex. Granted they're neither loving nor positive, but she still has an effect on you. That's enough.

Until you can be in the same room as your ex, see her making out with another guy, and think - "Goodness, they look so happy, I wish nothing but the best for her!" - you still have feelings for her. Your GF is spot on.

 

- My gf snooped around my computer and found that I was looking at pics of my ex. Only the pics were not just of her. They were from a party long ago. It just happened that she was in these pics.

 

You see how many justifications you give her to confirm her suspicions?Delete them.

- I told her (by mistake) that "Once you are in love with someone, you never fall out of love." What I had meant is that after you love somebody and it ends, you continue to care about that person and don't want them to get hurt.

Engage with brain before putting mouth in gear.

I think your GF was bang-on with her instinct. This comment - together with the one above of how your ex- still affects you, tells me that it's exactly what you meant, not the poor lame excuse you used to elaborate afterwards. I suspect you realised you'd opened your yap a little bit too wide and let the cat pout of the bag.

 

- She sees visual similarities between the two of them since they are both Asian-Canadian. Honestly, though, that is the only thing they have in common.

Doesn't matter. We are drawn to a specific. You are drawn to that specific. So the similarity DOES exist.

 

I explained to her that I have 0 feelings for this girl. After all, I broke up with her and I have not had any contact with her since we broke up. Whenever we talk about it I go into monologues and something new comes up that my gf can spin into something bad. For example, last night I told her about the email that my ex had sent to stop sending her msgs from now on cuz it would only hurt more. Then my gf says "oh so you keep emails from her!!!!!!". And so, we go in a cycle.

 

So you HAVE had contact with her since you broke up....?

 

if you think you have no feelings for your ex- you are so lying to yourself! The bolded statements are a huge red flag!! Are you insane?? Sending your ex txt messages? Why would you do that - ??

 

 

So far:

- I have told my gf the story about my ex

- I have done everything to show her I love her and I have gone to extremes

The one thing you could do, you haven't done. You haven't managed to adequately prove you have moved on.

Delete the emails, delete the photos, and don't send any more text messages!!

- I am involved in her career and her family since I want her for the long run

I want my gf in my life. I love her to death. But I need to get this resolved ASAP. Please, please help.

 

Then you know what to do.

Let go, and move on.You clearly have not done so.

[AlektraClementine]

Geisha,

 

Your post is dead on in my opinion.

 

You know, when I first began reading your posts, I admit I thought you a bit of a know it all. In fact, I think I said as much in an indirect way. The more I read your posts, I realize that I was right. But not in the connotation I originally meant it

 

You've obviously got the insight to back it up.

[Geishawhelk]

I know. I have a bit of a wild yap.

 

It's a curse.

 

Thank you Alektra X (hug)

[Island Girl]

Why are you constantly discussing your ex? Each time you do you say she grabs on to something you say.

 

Your ex should NOT be a topic of conversation at all- let alone a regular topic.

 

Your girlfriend will now continue to bring her up - and YOU opened that door.

 

You may have mementos from the relationship. And they may include pictures of other people as well as your ex. I disagree with other posters who say delete everything. But certainly it would be the time to move them to a flash drive or burn them and store them just like any other pics, right?

 

And there should be no contact with your ex. - You say you are uncomfortable around her or at the thought of attending an event where she is. Why is that? Certainly that would be the quickest way for your girlfriend to become more secure. Go wherever you want to go and bring HER with you. She is your partner now and should be recognized as such.

 

Since you opened the topic of your ex, and divulged details, you're going to have to deal with the monster. If your girlfriend brings her up the best thing you can do is turn the conversation to the two of you and how wonderful SHE is or how HAPPY you are with her instaed of giving more detail about the ex or the prior relationship.

 

You've sparked the insecurities and fed them. Her mind is crazy thinking she is headed for hurt. It is now your job to do everything in your power to allow her to be secure. It is the only thing you really CAN do. And it will take quite a while.

 

Good luck.

[djdiablo]

I gotta tell you guys I have not thought about my ex before my gf brought it up in December. Nonetheless, I am ready to:

- Delete all emails.

- See my ex with my girlfriend around.

- Be happy if my ex finds somebody.

- Delete all photos.

 

I literally never thought about doing the stuff above because I just didn't think about her. I ended it long ago and these things did not cross my mind.

 

But how do I go about it so that I fix this? Call her to tell her I have made a mistake? Email her what I am ready to do? Do the things above before I even contact her? Text her?

 

I am kind of desperate now...

 

P.S. Thank you for giving me her point of view.

[AlektraClementine]

Absolutely. Talk with your girlfriend and tell her that you understand her point of view. Reassure her of your love for her and your "unlove" for the ex. Tell her what you are prepared to do.

 

Now you have a frame of reference for your own behavior and have set her expectations at an appropriate level.

[Geishawhelk]

Tell her you've been an absolute @$$ then invite her over.

take her to your PC, and show her your erasing the photos, (don't forget to delete them from your desktop recycle bin) and deleting the e-mail you got. Then delete ex-s phone number of your mobile (if it's in there) - all with your new GF watching. tell her all the while what an idiot you have been - that all thse things meant nothing, but you realise how they must have looked to her.

 

Make her a part of your sincere effort to move on. With her.

[Treasa]

I don't know. On the one hand, I agree that you should stop discussing your ex. On the other hand, I keep ALL my emails unless they're junk. And it's no one else's right to be going through my emails. I have nothing to hide from my boyfriend, but I'd be hella pissed if he tried to tell me what emails I could have and not have.

 

I also disagree with deleting photos. I don't get rid of my photos from my past, and I don't tell my boyfriend to get rid of his.

 

You said your girlfriend cheated on you over the summer? Did you ever cheat on her? I don't know for certain, but I don't think she should be this controlling.

[djdiablo]

We talked and I told her what I would do and did it. I will keep you guys up to date on the consequences. Thank you for your help.

[Geishawhelk]

Stay in the present, and be loving.

 

Be true to yourself, and "dishonesty" is 10 times harder.

[djdiablo]

So I went through every photo and every email. It turns out that in the end I still had a few pics hidden in my facebook. She told me about those over MSN and I did another check, found them and deleted them. But then this is what happened.

 

First I asked her if she has any doubts left. She said she doesn't know. She said she understands she has to trust me with all her heart if we are going to work. She just doesn't know if she can. So I asked her if she wants it to work. And she said she doesn't know. So I said "I want to be with someone who wants to be with me". Then she said she needs some time to think.

 

Then this disaster happened:

G: i dont want to find someone else

M: because you are happy to have me or because you are just not interested in someone else?

G: im not interested in anyone else

M: so what you are saying is that if someone came along that would interest you I would be history?

G: maybe

M: well then I guess I have my answer there correct?

G: I dont know im giong to sleep now

M: I just don't know what to say.

On one hand I care about you immensely.

On one hand I am insulted at the thought that you are stringing me until someone interesting comes along.

For better or for worse, you have to make a decision about me. You know my answer. I will wait for yours.

G: why do you not change ur answer after being insulted

M: because I don't believe you are telling me the truth I think that, again, you are trying to push my buttons and test me. Just like you did before when you told me you only want me as a friend and then apologized. I have not, do not and will not waver.

G: what if i did something bad

M: such as? cheated on me?

G: kinda

M: then I would break up with you

G: k

M: are you planning to?

G: no

G: r u

M: never. do you want me to break up with you because you don't think you can let go by yourself?

G: i dont know... no... im really sleepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i dont know what i am saying

 

It ended soon after with me telling her to copy and paste the convo, reread it soon and decide if she is going to trust me and take a risk for love. I then closed it and went to sleep.

 

She is on MSN right now but I don't want to go on. Usually after such a fight she would call me to apologize. She has not. I don't know what to do and I feel I am groveling or simply dragging on something dead. I just wish to forget this bs and just be happy as we are when we are not fighting about her fling or about my ex. I care about her immensely and would love to just forget but I don't want this cycle to happen again.

 

What do I do? Please pull no punches.

[Geishawhelk]

You say:

 

"I took advice from a lot of people because of this, and a lot of them wiped the floor with me, because of things i still had hanging around.

I have immediately done everything I can to reassure you and make you feel good about this, and prove to you that I love you, want only you, and am prepared to do what it takes to make this work.

But if you expect me to bend over so far backwards that you expect me to stuff my head up my @$$ to please you, whilst you jerk me around and yank my chain - think again. It takes two to make a relationship, not one and a hanger-on. We work this out together, as a couple, or we call it a day. No middle ground. Make your mind up, but please don't make the mistake of treating me like an idiot. "

 

But wait and see what others advise.

[Confusedalways]

^^ I think what you wrote is good... but i'd make it a little less "attacky."

[Island Girl]

I'd put it a bit more succinctly.

 

"We are in a relationship. I want the relationship and I want you. I know you have fears about trusting me right now and I am willing to do what it takes to prove those fears are unfounded and that you are safe with me.

But I need to know you are in this 100% with me as well and that are relationship is just as important to you."

 

If she wavers or says I need to think about it, you need to stand up for yourself and say you won't be yanked around or put on a back burner. It isn't fair to you. Tell her to do what she must and have a good evening.

 

Then hang up. And yes, at that point consider yourself single and act accordingly.

 

Do not call her. Do not chase after her.

 

If she calls you and wants to talk - the conversation should be that she has made up her mind that she wants to move forward and give 100% as well.

If it is a conversation about her unsureness then you need to cut it short. End the conversation and really move on.

[Lucky555]

Geishawhelk YOU ARE TOTALLY RIGHT ON!

 

 

djdiablo: You have done a lot of damage. Whether or not you care for you ex, your girlfriend really wants to hear "I don't give a damn about her" (as in you don't care!!!!!!!!!!) Your gf wants nothing to do with your ex. She does not want to be her friend, she does not want to even HEAR about her. You should be clean of everything regarding your ex after everything that went on. She can't trust you because you said "you never fall out of love with someone" that is still playing in her head. i have been where your girlfriend is and I couldn't deal with this type of stuff at all. I couldn't trust him and I still don't because he said stuff just like you. Maybe he isn't in love with her but he still allows her into his life with "comments" on his online profiles ( i would rather have him delete her!) I am sure your gf would want the same. You shouldn't care about your ex. YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. So you need to say this if you want her:

 

I don't care about my ex.

I want you and only you.

I don't care if shes at some party and we are there.

 

Listen, I don't want to see or hear about her again. The only thing i want to hear is you and me and what we are going to do together!

[djdiablo]

I am going to meet her at the airport tonight and we are going to talk. Thank you to all of you that helped me out by replying. I will tell you all the result.

[djdiablo]

So we talked. I explained to her that I can't her have any doubts and basically said exactly what you guys said. Only time will tell whether she meant what she says. I believe she did. Then we spent the whole day together doing couple stuff reconnecting.

 

I am leaving today to go work in another city for the workweek and we decided to talk only on Tuesday and Thursday and txt/email other days. Basically, if we have another fallout (and another statement like the one before is made), I'll have to end it.

 

She said she was only saying the stringing along thing because I asked such as stupid question... I give that reason a 6/10... It passes but barely.

[djdiablo]

So it turns out that the reason she was asking about the cheating stuff is because she has been very close to doing it.

 

In October we were talking about, and she agreed not to see, her fling from the summer anymore. Then I left for two weeks for training. And I missed a weekend in my hometown. The first weekend I had missed in our relationship.

 

That Sunday night she says people slept over while her parents were not home. I push and ask exactly who slept over. Turns out it was only her fling from the summer. She tells me she asked all her friends to stay but only he did. They drank together and he slept in a separate bed. THAT is what she told me then. I got super-pissed and tried to tell her to cut all contact with him. Then I realized what I was doing and just said that I am not comfortable with her seeing him one-on-one. I did not break up with her since she told me - was honest. Funny thing is that while she was telling me about it, the guy called her again to come over on the Sunday night. Anyway, I forgave and we have been together since.

 

YESTERDAY, we talk on the phone and she hits me with this. Apparently, they did not sleep that night but hung out in her bedroom drinking and listening to music (she has nothing to sit on there except her bed). NOTHING ELSE. Apparently no cuddling and he didn't lay a hand on her. She says she did not tell me then cuz I would have broken up with her. I probably would have. They did not even kiss while the fling was going on but they had slept at his house in his bed before while we were not together.

 

I forgave again. No lies, no doubts, no games. I told her "the past is the past".

 

At the moment, I think I can actually forget but I don't know if I will feel different when we are in her bed listening to music. The bed where this guy was. Hell, he didn't even sleep there while they were going out. I just don't know where to go from here.