Sunshine11 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I'm starting to really question my relationship. I'm wondering if the differences we're identifying have, in your experiences, been impasses or worth compromising over. Any thoughts would be much appreciated! My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 years. I'm 27, he's 31. We're both in graduate school. And we don't live together. Our/My Issues: 1) I get involved in lots of things, I like doing things, going places, being outside. He unwinds by watching TV. 2) I like less clutter, he can't seem to live without lots of it. 3) I want to live in a small town (in one state), he wants to live in a big city (in a neighboring state). 4) He gives very little affection outside the bed. I get kisses goodbye, and pokes in the bellybutton. That's IT. No compliments, no love pats, nothing. The pluses: He is the most kind, considerate, and giving person I have ever met. He does favors for me, helps me take care of my dog sometimes, picks me up when I'm not paying attention and miss public transit, makes me dinner often, gives good gifts around holidays--essentially, he gives, and I receive. And anything I try to give he doesn't want or need. (This also leads to some feelings of inadequacy on my end.) He has never once been abusive, has zero psychological issues (unless you count grad school anxiety), always has kind things to say, and we don't fight. Any perspectives would be much appreciated!
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 1) I get involved in lots of things, I like doing things, going places, being outside. He unwinds by watching TV. Compromise, compromise, and compromise. Here is where your friends come in. So if you feel like getting out and he doesn't you have your girls to catch up with. Go shopping, out to lunch or dinner, - it doesn't seemlike he'd mind. In fact it sounds to me like he'd be supportive of it. My husband has always supported the fact that I had friends and when my friends and, years ago, when I would go out he'd make a late night snack for me when I got home. He understood that I live a life and he is a part of it. A major part yes but not my whole life. Your man sounds like he'd be the same way. You can't beat it girlfriend! All my friends are jealous of the way he treats me -and the biggest part of that is when I am away from him he doesn't bitch about it or constantly bug me about when I am coming home - like theirs do. 2) I like less clutter, he can't seem to live without lots of it. If it bothers you then it is up to you to do something about it. Clean up the clutter. But to make this a make it or break it issue is a mistake. There are much more serious issues like cheating, lying, etc. 3) I want to live in a small town (in one state), he wants to live in a big city (in a neighboring state). Again - this is where compromise comes in. Perhaps you find something in between. Or a small town that is very close to his big city. This shouldn't be a big deal either. You can live anywhere you want and if you are with the wrong person or alone you'll be unhappy. Love just doesn't come along every day. Some people never find it. 4) He gives very little affection outside the bed. I get kisses goodbye, and pokes in the bellybutton. That's IT. No compliments, no love pats, nothing. In my husbands culture PDAs are disrespectful to others. He does hold my hand. And no matter what he doesn't even bat an eye at other women. He is very reserved with people of the opposite sex. It still wasn't what I was used to. I am used to a lot of attention. That took getting used to but I have and it is well worth it. No matter what man you are with there are going to be problems. The ones you have listed here are so minute. Not even really worth mentioning when you look at what other women complain about. For instance the men out there who can't commit, lie, or are serial cheaters, drug addicts, thieves, abusers, players, or men who aren't reliable, etc. Look very closely at what you do have. It is easy to forget about what it's like not to have those things and take your significant other for granted. And THAT is the easiest way to lose them as well.
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Zenith: Maybe he is too good for me. Island Girl: You bring up some really great points. I think my two further questions to you would be: 1) I know that I've been happiest when I didn't have to drive to work: bike, walk, public transit are much better for me. And I've been unhappiest when I had a car commute. That seriously correlates with my well-being, more than any other factor I can think of. It relates to my time for de-stressing, being good to the environment, being outside, being with people, not sitting in traffic, and the closeness of the community. Are there any small towns like that that are close enough to San Francisco, since he wants to live close to work too? He also says that after two years, he doesn't know yet if he's willing to compromise where he lives so we can be together. I've already offered to meet him halfway, but he's not yet willing to close any doors for himself. 2) It's good to hear that you've become alright with no PDAs from your husband. I don't mind not having PDAs, in fact, I'm not a big fan. But he never tells me I look nice, or I'm beautiful, never touches me. He doesn't put his hand on my back when escorting me through a door, doesn't hold my hand. Not even at home. When we're on the couch, and I try to cuddle with him, or put his arm around me, he groans and mutters. Does your husband reserve affection in this way? If so, how do you deal with it?
LovieDove24 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Lack of affection can really become a biggie in my opinion. Maybe it is because I am like you and need a lot of it, maybe not. But what I do know is it directly correlates to how secure I feel in a relationship. Out of any of those on your list I think this is the only one worth worrying about. All the others can be compromised on.
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 sunshine, while the first three would be deal-breakers for me, the last one is different. If you notice, he does so many wonderful things for you. This is his way to tell you he loves you. Not all men are physically or verbally affectionate. A lot of them just "do", rather than say. No one can tell you what's a deal-breaker or not. Sometimes little things can start to create a low-level annoyance, then build up to deal-breaker.
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 I see what you all mean. Some of you point to the affection as really important, and others of you say it's not a big deal, that he loves me, he shows it, and that's his way. I guess I feel that I know he loves me--I don't question that. But I don't ever feel sexy, or even attractive. When I want to feel attractive, I try to look put together, and I keep in shape--it's both for me and for him, but I don't get any confirmation from him. I want the attention I get to come from him, not from other people. Is that fair of me to expect from him?
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I see what you all mean. Some of you point to the affection as really important, and others of you say it's not a big deal, that he loves me, he shows it, and that's his way. I guess I feel that I know he loves me--I don't question that. But I don't ever feel sexy, or even attractive. When I want to feel attractive, I try to look put together, and I keep in shape--it's both for me and for him, but I don't get any confirmation from him. I want the attention I get to come from him, not from other people. Is that fair of me to expect from him? Maybe you guys could have a regular romantic night together? It doesn't have to be scheduled, just some time when the two of you are free - carpe diem!
LovieDove24 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You'reasian, the kind of attention she is looking for is not going to come from a romantic dinner. Its his personality not to be affectionate...and no fancy dinner by candlelight will change that. As for your most recent post Sunshine, NO I do not think it is unreasonable for you to expect attention from him. Either when you're all dolled up or scrubbing around the house, it is what you WANT therefore it is not unreasonable. Here is where the problem lies: you have a major need that is going unfulfilled. And I may be misinterpreting this but from your prior posts it seems very important to you that your bf does more than *grunt* when you *force* his arm around you. Is this correct? I believe you equate affection to the level of security you feel in the relationship. And without the attention and affection you are now beginning to question a whole slew of other things. I think its time you sat your bf down and told him exactly that. Tell him without affection you are becoming insecure... Or are you afraid to tell him this because you might lose him? Hmmm...
LovieDove24 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Oh and here is another thing: We women want our men to be mind readers and do things WITHOUT us having to point it out. I totally get that and I am guilty of it too. It seems less "special" to have to say "I'd like you to put your arm around me more" doesn't it? But here's the problem: Men aren't mind readers and they'll appreciate you being upfront.
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Oh and here is another thing: We women want our men to be mind readers and do things WITHOUT us having to point it out. I totally get that and I am guilty of it too. It seems less "special" to have to say "I'd like you to put your arm around me more" doesn't it? But here's the problem: Men aren't mind readers and they'll appreciate you being upfront. True, we are not mind readers! But there's a fine balance... too much putting the arm around you and you think we're touchy and needy, too little and you think we're cold and insensitive. In a dating situation, its probably our advantage to err slightly on the cold, insensitive side, right? Personally, I'm comfortable being romantic when dating. If she thinks its too touchy, feely - she can always hook up with a slightly more colder, insensitive guy to give her the chase she needs?
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Island Girl: You bring up some really great points. I think my two further questions to you would be: 1) I know that I've been happiest when I didn't have to drive to work: bike, walk, public transit are much better for me. And I've been unhappiest when I had a car commute. That seriously correlates with my well-being, more than any other factor I can think of. It relates to my time for de-stressing, being good to the environment, being outside, being with people, not sitting in traffic, and the closeness of the community. Are there any small towns like that that are close enough to San Francisco, since he wants to live close to work too? He also says that after two years, he doesn't know yet if he's willing to compromise where he lives so we can be together. I've already offered to meet him halfway, but he's not yet willing to close any doors for himself. There are rural places around San Francisco and all pretty much have access to BART - the train system. Northern California is farming, wineries, and cities. I'm sure you can find an area you both like that is close enough to the city to enjoy it but far enough away that you are not IN it 24/7. You may have to have a discussion about deal breakers and find out what his are. 2) It's good to hear that you've become alright with no PDAs from your husband. I don't mind not having PDAs, in fact, I'm not a big fan. But he never tells me I look nice, or I'm beautiful, never touches me. He doesn't put his hand on my back when escorting me through a door, doesn't hold my hand. Not even at home. When we're on the couch, and I try to cuddle with him, or put his arm around me, he groans and mutters. Does your husband reserve affection in this way? If so, how do you deal with it? Hmmmm. Well, I have a different man when it comes to this. He is reserved when it comes to PDAs but is very complimentary and when we are alone he is a snuggler. Does he respond well if you initiate?
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Maybe you guys could have a regular romantic night together? It doesn't have to be scheduled' date=' just some time when the two of you are free - carpe diem![/quote'] This is a great thought--we actually try to reserve Friday nights for just us
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks for the info about the Bay Area--that is really helpful for me. Actually, we've had some serious talks about the fact that I'd like him to show affection--probably every 3-4 months, for the past year or so. I think he just doesn't know how, and doesn't find joy in it. We've agreed I can be obvious about it, and ask him point blank for things, and maybe that'll get things started. But I sort of gave up after a week or two...I need to keep trying I think. "My, you look nice today." "Thank you. You look nice too." Gotta start somewhere, right?
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 This is a great thought--we actually try to reserve Friday nights for just us Don't forget to extend that reservation until Saturday lunch time
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks for the info about the Bay Area--that is really helpful for me. Actually, we've had some serious talks about the fact that I'd like him to show affection--probably every 3-4 months, for the past year or so. I think he just doesn't know how, and doesn't find joy in it. We've agreed I can be obvious about it, and ask him point blank for things, and maybe that'll get things started. But I sort of gave up after a week or two...I need to keep trying I think. "My, you look nice today." "Thank you. You look nice too." Gotta start somewhere, right? I've always found spontaneity works, nothing planned - just looking at her with the "I wanna bang you" look and then shooting off a witty-flirty-challenge or something loaded with sexual innuendo and then just going at it right there...
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Actually, we've had some serious talks about the fact that I'd like him to show affection--probably every 3-4 months, for the past year or so. I think he just doesn't know how, and doesn't find joy in it. What about massages? Doesn't he enjoy those? That is a great place to start -- and he'll already be half naked with your hands all over him... We've agreed I can be obvious about it, and ask him point blank for things, and maybe that'll get things started. But I sort of gave up after a week or two...I need to keep trying I think. "My, you look nice today." "Thank you. You look nice too." Gotta start somewhere, right? That's the idea. Find the work around!
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 What about massages? Doesn't he enjoy those? That is a great place to start -- and he'll already be half naked with your hands all over him... That's the idea. Find the work around! Oh-My-Goodness. Did I mention he HATES massages? Not only does he not enjoy giving them, he doesn't even like getting them. In fact, every time I've tried, his back has NEVER ever had any knots or tight spots. He just gets ticklish...
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I've always found spontaneity works' date=' nothing planned - just looking at her with the "I wanna bang you" look and then shooting off a witty-flirty-challenge or something loaded with sexual innuendo and then just going at it right there...[/quote'] Yeah, we're both pretty bad at that. But sometimes it is nice to extend Friday evening into Saturday noon
You'reasian Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Yeah, we're both pretty bad at that. But sometimes it is nice to extend Friday evening into Saturday noon Do you make him strong coffee?
Island Girl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Oh-My-Goodness. Did I mention he HATES massages? Not only does he not enjoy giving them, he doesn't even like getting them. In fact, every time I've tried, his back has NEVER ever had any knots or tight spots. He just gets ticklish... Wow. I have never met anyone who hates massages. My husband hates to be lightly touched. He says it makes him feel like I am petting him like an animal. LOL But he is always up for a good rub down! Is there anything that involves touching (besides the one blatantly obvious one) that he enjoys? Kissing or anything like that? I am way too touchy. I would be the girl that would drive your man to drink! He'd hate someone like me so he should be willing to bend over backwards for you! Are you longing to be demonstrative as well or is it just wanting to be him more so? Just not really understanding him. This is the first I have ever heard of a man like him. Hmmmmm.
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Do you make him strong coffee? I do. Very.
Author Sunshine11 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Wow. I have never met anyone who hates massages. My husband hates to be lightly touched. He says it makes him feel like I am petting him like an animal. LOL But he is always up for a good rub down! Is there anything that involves touching (besides the one blatantly obvious one) that he enjoys? Kissing or anything like that? I am way too touchy. I would be the girl that would drive your man to drink! He'd hate someone like me so he should be willing to bend over backwards for you! Are you longing to be demonstrative as well or is it just wanting to be him more so? Just not really understanding him. This is the first I have ever heard of a man like him. Hmmmmm. Well, he's one-of-a-kind. And I don't hold back too much with the kind of affection I give, and he has never complained. So I think he likes it for the most part. Except...(this one's fun for me): he is NOT a morning person. So sometimes I'll sneak up on him while he's in the shower (just to poke him or give him a little pat)--it really annoys him. But I think *secretely* he enjoys the attention.
You'reasian Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Well, he's one-of-a-kind. And I don't hold back too much with the kind of affection I give, and he has never complained. So I think he likes it for the most part. Except...(this one's fun for me): he is NOT a morning person. So sometimes I'll sneak up on him while he's in the shower (just to poke him or give him a little pat)--it really annoys him. But I think *secretely* he enjoys the attention. You're supposed to quickly disrobe and jump in
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