BusterBrown Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 OK, so after reading and hearing about a million stories that are just like mine, I have been wondering - Are there any women out there that will actually honor their vows? It seems like they get unhappy with their marriage, don't explicitly tell their husband "Hey I'm unhappy and if you don't get your act together, I'm leaving you!" Instead they just hold it in until...boom, next thing you know they are leaving you and they say the marriage is beyond repair. Now after surfing these forums for a few weeks I have met some real fine gentlemen who would do absolutely anything for their wives. Perhaps we men don't pick up on subtle hints but when it is obviously time to step up to the plate I don't doubt each and every one of you would do it or have done it. It just seems like the majority of people in this forum are men, being left by women. Is this the new trend? Are there any more women out there that will honor the vow "for better or for worse". I honestly thought my wife would, but I was very wrong....she didn't even try for reconciliation. And no I'm not an a-hole, drug addict, or wife beater. I'm just a nice guy who loves to be provider and caretaker for my family. I guess I will be single soon and on the prowl. Any red flags or tips on how to tell if a woman is not going to divorce you in the end? I swear to God if I get divorced twice, I am done with women. I just can't take the hurt. BTW, No offense to you good women out there. I know there are some of you, it just seems like nowadays you are the exception to the rule.
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I am sorry you are going through this. There are good women out there. I am one of them but I had to learn how! The best advice I can share is if you get into a relationship with a woman wait until she is tried and true before moving forward to marriage. Perhaps just make sure there are problems that have come up (if you wait long enough problems do come up) and really evaluate how those are handled bewtween the two of you. I know it can be discouraging. But do not allow this to destroy your hope and belief in what can be. That just makes a screwed up woman way too important and powerful, don't you think?
stray_cat Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 well, i would have walked through the fire if that's what it takes to save my marriage. it was my stbxh who didn't honor our vows and one day he just simply up and left coz he was ready to. i haven't got a single clue of what was going on in his mind or how he was feeling. for some reason most of the posters on this board are men who's wife had an affair but there are also men out there who pull this same kind of act. sometimes i wonder if i was the one feeling unhappy of the marriage then could it have been me who walked out? but knowing myself, i highly doubt it. at least not without bringing it up to try to fix whatever has to be fixed. my husband was not perfect and there were a few times during our 8 yrs of marriage that i can say "i could" have had an affair. in fact there was one guy who i really really find attractive who was in a way pursuing me. but i managed to somehow snap myself out of it and didn't loose grip with the fact that it is wrong. i just didn't have the heart to cheat on my husband and destroy our marriage.
Woggle Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 There are some left out there. You just have to project an attitude of having a spine and never letting a woman play you for a sucker and you will weed out the ones who will screw you over. Women can spot weakness in a man and if she is the type who will betray you she will pass you over in find another man to play for a fool. Also look for red flags and make sure you have a prenup.
norajane Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You could always read through the OW/OM forum. All those women there are having affairs with married men who are cheating on their wives AND lying to the Other Women who love them and are betting their futures on them. Or the Infidelity forum which is full of wives who have been betrayed by cheating husbands. Maybe that will make you feel like the playing field is a bit more even.
Tony T Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 OK, so after reading and hearing about a million stories that are just like mine, I have been wondering - Are there any women out there that will actually honor their vows? It seems like they get unhappy with their marriage, don't explicitly tell their husband "Hey I'm unhappy and if you don't get your act together, I'm leaving you!" Instead they just hold it in until...boom, next thing you know they are leaving you and they say the marriage is beyond repair. Actually, most women do give their husbands dozens, if not hundreds, of hints that various aspects of their marriage need attention. Many men just fail to listen to these hints. Over a period of time, their wives....who feel they are not being paid attention to...grow angry and frustrated. They move to get over the marriage emotionally and otherwise. That's when the BOOM occurs. If men paid more attention...and didn't take their wives for granted...or just worked on making things better...there wouldn't be any of those surprises. Granted, there are marriages out there that simply can't be saved under any circumstances but the fact that those fail is seldom a surprise to any of the parties. People almost always plan to keep their vows at the time they make them. However, people are subject to change...we are simply composed of chemicals and they change over time. We live way too long to stay the same course...most of us anyway. The sad part is one always changes well before the other so there is hurt.
Athalanthas Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 OK, so after reading and hearing about a million stories that are just like mine, I have been wondering - Are there any women out there that will actually honor their vows? It seems like they get unhappy with their marriage, don't explicitly tell their husband "Hey I'm unhappy and if you don't get your act together, I'm leaving you!" Instead they just hold it in until...boom, next thing you know they are leaving you and they say the marriage is beyond repair. Now after surfing these forums for a few weeks I have met some real fine gentlemen who would do absolutely anything for their wives. Perhaps we men don't pick up on subtle hints but when it is obviously time to step up to the plate I don't doubt each and every one of you would do it or have done it. It just seems like the majority of people in this forum are men, being left by women. Is this the new trend? Are there any more women out there that will honor the vow "for better or for worse". I honestly thought my wife would, but I was very wrong....she didn't even try for reconciliation. And no I'm not an a-hole, drug addict, or wife beater. I'm just a nice guy who loves to be provider and caretaker for my family. I guess I will be single soon and on the prowl. Any red flags or tips on how to tell if a woman is not going to divorce you in the end? I swear to God if I get divorced twice, I am done with women. I just can't take the hurt. BTW, No offense to you good women out there. I know there are some of you, it just seems like nowadays you are the exception to the rule. There are a lot of us out there. The world is big and over populated It is not only women who are like this it just so happened that the men posts here more than the women, maybe. What happened to you happened to me. What your wife did, my husband did. Telling me everything about us were okay and telling me he loves me and stuff (turned out he wanted to convince me and himself that we are happy), a month after, he wanted out. Telling me he loves me but not in love with me and does not want to be married because he feels "trapped", after 7 years as best friends, 2 years of being together, 4 years of being married and after having 2 wonderful kids (eldest turning 4 on the 17th and the youngest 16 months today). Been separated for 2 months now, nothing legal yet, just a casual/trial separation for an indefinite period of time. I just hate the indefiniteness of my future! So, in my part, are there still gentlemen out there who will not cop out on a marriage and his family? Yes, I believe that, I have seen it in my side of the family, and their marriages and that is how I would like my own marriage to be. Committed to the vows ( better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health til death do you part...) and committed to keeping the family together. You are hurting, so you feel hopeless about this issue, but try to take one day at a time and please rethink of getting into a relationship right away since you need time for you to heal with this situation that you were forced into and need to survive these choices done by your ex-wife. It sucks, but we all have to.
steveraves Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 People almost always plan to keep their vows at the time they make them. However, people are subject to change...we are simply composed of chemicals and they change over time. We live way too long to stay the same course...most of us anyway. The sad part is one always changes well before the other so there is hurt. I don't know if I buy that. "People almost always" if people aren't sure or have doubts that they can't keep their vows then they shouldn't be getting married. People do change about 2 years into the marriage. It's not new anymore, the infatuation may be gone or dwindling, and the marriage changes from being easy with little effort to work with more effort. Is it wrong that marriage should require work and effort, absolutely not. There's to much focus on the glamor of marriage. The thrill, excitement ect. Since sickness/health, richer/poorer, and everything else doesn't seem to mean much then maybe they should be eliminated and keep the marriage ceremony to "Do you two want to get married?" once both answer yes, their married. The post is directed at women but it also applies to men as well. In my opinion divorce/dissolution is way to easy to get, and since I'm going through a divorce I don't really think vows mean anything. Their nothing more than nice sounding words. I often wonder if I'd ever like to remarry, and I honestly don't know.
quankanne Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I like to think I am ... but then again, I realize that I haven't met the one person to whom my attraction is so powerful that I'd seriously contemplate cheating! as bad as it sounds, that knowledge keeps me grounded in my marriage, esp. when it comes to being disappointed in DH's behavior and me doing something stupid to get even. Maybe it's about knowing what behaviors you're willing to let slide and which are deal-breakers in a relationship that keep the long-term ones going? what another poster said about women giving clues and men overlooking them is very, very true. However, the burden is on the aggrieved party make their concerns, hurts, etc CLEARLY known, not just expect their spouse/SO to read their mind (or their hints)! if you're looking for signs in a person that they are good long-term relationship material, you've got to look at that person's family dynamic as well as his/her attitude toward relationships. If mom and dad have a marriage where care and consideration play a huge role, chances are their kid (your beloved) will too. And if your loved one has strived to have that kind of relationship in his/her life, you know you're on the right tract. OTOH, when you see that person's family members in dysfunctional relationships, chances are it's what you'll experience, too, because he/she doesn't know any other way for the relationship TO function.
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 OK, so after reading and hearing about a million stories that are just like mine, I have been wondering - Are there any women out there that will actually honor their vows? It seems like they get unhappy with their marriage, don't explicitly tell their husband "Hey I'm unhappy and if you don't get your act together, I'm leaving you!" Instead they just hold it in until...boom, next thing you know they are leaving you and they say the marriage is beyond repair. I'm a communicator. If something is seriously bothering me, I state it and more than once. But...I won't nag. If I have to say it over and over and over again, it's not worth it since I won't be responsible for someone else. If my ex-H hadn't cheated on me, I would still be married today, in that I took my vows deadly seriously. I would never cheat on anyone, no matter what. I would walk first so perhaps this falls into line with your concept of a walk-away wife. Sorry but some things are deal-breakers.
NYCmitch25 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 OK, so after reading and hearing about a million stories that are just like mine, I have been wondering - Are there any women out there that will actually honor their vows? It seems like they get unhappy with their marriage, don't explicitly tell their husband "Hey I'm unhappy and if you don't get your act together, I'm leaving you!" Instead they just hold it in until...boom, next thing you know they are leaving you and they say the marriage is beyond repair. Now after surfing these forums for a few weeks I have met some real fine gentlemen who would do absolutely anything for their wives. Perhaps we men don't pick up on subtle hints but when it is obviously time to step up to the plate I don't doubt each and every one of you would do it or have done it. It just seems like the majority of people in this forum are men, being left by women. Is this the new trend? Are there any more women out there that will honor the vow "for better or for worse". I honestly thought my wife would, but I was very wrong....she didn't even try for reconciliation. And no I'm not an a-hole, drug addict, or wife beater. I'm just a nice guy who loves to be provider and caretaker for my family. I guess I will be single soon and on the prowl. Any red flags or tips on how to tell if a woman is not going to divorce you in the end? I swear to God if I get divorced twice, I am done with women. I just can't take the hurt. BTW, No offense to you good women out there. I know there are some of you, it just seems like nowadays you are the exception to the rule. Honestly, If you get dumped again it's probably you. The key is paying attention to their needs, not EVERY need but core needs - are you emotionally supportive, emotionally invested, is it always about you, do you provide for but not over compensate for things? Is it always about them? So many times, I see these clueless men who WANT things the way they want them - all while their wives are seriously lacking in their own lives. I almost feel bad for the poor clueless bastards. Some of these guys are so inept they end up with women who aren't any better..
lonelygurl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I think every situation is different and maybe everyone doesn't tell all the details or maybe they ignore the real signs or forget? I told my husband for over a year that I was extremely unhappy and several times asked him to come to counseling with me and he refused. The last time I asked him he told me he didn't need "no fu*king counselor" to tell him how to live his marriage. It was after that, that it was suggested to me that he was a big part of my stress and anxiety and wasn't willing to work on the marriage. Six months later I made the decision to leave him. He begged and cried for over 2 months but I was beyond forgiving, repairing or trying. I had tried for over a year and he didn't. He left it too late and passed up the chances I had offered. After 18 years together and 12 years of marriage I left him and never looked back. So I myself tried to work on the marriage and took my vows seriously. I believe in staying together and working on stuff, but it has to be a two way street. you can't work on a relationship if only one is willing to work on it while the other thinks nothing needs to be worked on.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I think every situation is different and maybe everyone doesn't tell all the details or maybe they ignore the real signs or forget? I told my husband for over a year that I was extremely unhappy and several times asked him to come to counseling with me and he refused. The last time I asked him he told me he didn't need "no fu*king counselor" to tell him how to live his marriage. It was after that, that it was suggested to me that he was a big part of my stress and anxiety and wasn't willing to work on the marriage. Six months later I made the decision to leave him. He begged and cried for over 2 months but I was beyond forgiving, repairing or trying. I had tried for over a year and he didn't. He left it too late and passed up the chances I had offered. After 18 years together and 12 years of marriage I left him and never looked back. So I myself tried to work on the marriage and took my vows seriously. I believe in staying together and working on stuff, but it has to be a two way street. you can't work on a relationship if only one is willing to work on it while the other thinks nothing needs to be worked on. I understand everything you're saying but could you have at least given him a shot across the bow with an ultimatum before going over the deep end yourself? I think that if that 2X4 would have grazed his skull before your exit debut your EX might have shocked himself "right to rain" in time to do his 180 but, as they say, its all academic now!
Navin_R_Johnson Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Here's where I'm too black and white, I guess. Vow: a solemn promise to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way. Most wedding vows include things like "til death do us part", "for better or for worse", "richer or poorer", etc. And most religions state that the ONLY out is infidelity or abuse. And as Master Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." Words mean things. My vows were made before family and God. My ex simply got bored, had a MLC, or changed her mind about her vows. No abuse, no infidelity (by me)...a great life (I thought). She said she was unhappy, then cheated. We went to counceling, so she feels she "tried". Not good enough for me. ESPECIALLY when children are involved. Changing your mind and then "trying" to honor your vows is not good enough. Now, however, I feel that I am the luckiest man alive. But I will never understand how you can say those vows, have kids, then just change your mind. Ughhh.
Searching49 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I agree with lonelygurl that every situation is different. Though if you read my thread "wife leaving for a fling" there really were not any signs for me to pick up on. We were married 8 months before she cheated on me. If going to grad school to get my masters degree to further our future together and doing homework on the weekends is considered "neglect" then I'm guilty there. We had plenty of time together on a routine basis, and she could have said "hey I want to spend some time with you, let's do this together". I would have been there in a heartbeat. My wife came from a good middle class upbringing with two very loving parents and very stable family. We were fine right up until a few months after we were married then she just flipped and made out with a guy on vacation, conducted an emotional affair with him, i found out 2 months later (by overhearing a convo with him at 2am), and now shes ready to walk out. No warnings, no reconciliation, no remorse. Almost 7 years together, 5 of them living together, and she's suddenly gone. I'm good looking, make a great living, i bring home flowers for anniversaries (or no reason). She just decided this isn't the life she wants, and I'm not the guy she wants. I always thought good things happen to good people, I guess I was wrong.
Nozz Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I agree with lonelygurl that every situation is different. Though if you read my thread "wife leaving for a fling" there really were not any signs for me to pick up on. We were married 8 months before she cheated on me. If going to grad school to get my masters degree to further our future together and doing homework on the weekends is considered "neglect" then I'm guilty there. We had plenty of time together on a routine basis, and she could have said "hey I want to spend some time with you, let's do this together". I would have been there in a heartbeat. My wife came from a good middle class upbringing with two very loving parents and very stable family. We were fine right up until a few months after we were married then she just flipped and made out with a guy on vacation, conducted an emotional affair with him, i found out 2 months later (by overhearing a convo with him at 2am), and now shes ready to walk out. No warnings, no reconciliation, no remorse. Almost 7 years together, 5 of them living together, and she's suddenly gone. I'm good looking, make a great living, i bring home flowers for anniversaries (or no reason). She just decided this isn't the life she wants, and I'm not the guy she wants. I always thought good things happen to good people, I guess I was wrong. Your story sounds a little like mine. Like so many LS members out there are suffering from a walk-out spouse. All I can gather is weak minded spouses without and human soul use crappy excuses like "you never caught on to the hints" and "I fell out of love" to walk. I think people who don't feel like thier happy in a marriage should effectivley let their spouse know before things even have to go this far. HINTS DON"T COUNT, PERIOD! Talk to your spouse dead-on. It's all chance in my opinion. I was deeply in love with my wife. But 10 years and 2 kids mean nothing when her self-serving a## acted for herself and left for antoher guy. Just piss on everything we build, oh and she HATES me too lol. Nice huh.
motive2002 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Unfortunately, falling out of love is usually a hidden process, rife with denial that anything is wrong. Sometimes the person falling out of love tries to convince themselves otherwise, but the end of the process is always the same and the other person is left feeling blindsided. Sometimes there really is no clues. I know how you feel about a loved one flipping a 180. Been there and have the t-shirt.
lonelygurl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I understand everything you're saying but could you have at least given him a shot across the bow with an ultimatum before going over the deep end yourself? I think that if that 2X4 would have grazed his skull before your exit debut your EX might have shocked himself "right to rain" in time to do his 180 but, as they say, its all academic now! how many times or years do you think someone should keep telling their partner they are unhappy and want them to go to counselling and get help? he was given plenty of opportunity for over the course of a year. When one person keeps trying and the other doesn't there comes a time when you just give up. As far as I was concerned he had plenty of warnings and could see it coming. It can't be all one sided.
lonelygurl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I agree with lonelygurl that every situation is different. Though if you read my thread "wife leaving for a fling" there really were not any signs for me to pick up on. We were married 8 months before she cheated on me. If going to grad school to get my masters degree to further our future together and doing homework on the weekends is considered "neglect" then I'm guilty there. We had plenty of time together on a routine basis, and she could have said "hey I want to spend some time with you, let's do this together". I would have been there in a heartbeat. My wife came from a good middle class upbringing with two very loving parents and very stable family. We were fine right up until a few months after we were married then she just flipped and made out with a guy on vacation, conducted an emotional affair with him, i found out 2 months later (by overhearing a convo with him at 2am), and now shes ready to walk out. No warnings, no reconciliation, no remorse. Almost 7 years together, 5 of them living together, and she's suddenly gone. I'm good looking, make a great living, i bring home flowers for anniversaries (or no reason). She just decided this isn't the life she wants, and I'm not the guy she wants. I always thought good things happen to good people, I guess I was wrong. unfortunately for you she was not committed to the relationship which seems to be the trend now. It really bothers me that this seems to be the relationships are now. I'm afraid that I am feeling that I am done with being in long term relationships. Seems people just get burned.
Athalanthas Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Unfortunately, falling out of love is usually a hidden process, rife with denial that anything is wrong. Sometimes the person falling out of love tries to convince themselves otherwise, but the end of the process is always the same and the other person is left feeling blindsided. Sometimes there really is no clues. I know how you feel about a loved one flipping a 180. Been there and have the t-shirt. Wow, this hit me hard because this is what i think my husband feels about me now. Thanks for this eye opener. ou gave me another perspective of my situation.
Author BusterBrown Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Unfortunately, falling out of love is usually a hidden process, rife with denial that anything is wrong. Sometimes the person falling out of love tries to convince themselves otherwise, but the end of the process is always the same and the other person is left feeling blindsided. Sometimes there really is no clues. I know how you feel about a loved one flipping a 180. Been there and have the t-shirt. Just yesterday my stbxw said that she was "lying to herself and to me". Aaaaarggghhh!!!! Why'd you have to lie?!?!?! If you had only told me you were feeling this way maybe I could have done something sooner. Instead, when she told me, it was already too late in her mind.
Mountains10 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Just yesterday my stbxw said that she was "lying to herself and to me". Aaaaarggghhh!!!! Why'd you have to lie?!?!?! If you had only told me you were feeling this way maybe I could have done something sooner. Instead, when she told me, it was already too late in her mind. LMWG, Learn to ignore it, sounds like the fog talking. They all say the same thing apparently, just in different ways. If you try to make logic of it, you'll drive yourself insane.
EmperorR Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Well I wasn't married, but with my fiance for 3 years, and there were no signs all she did is go on a trip and screwed some guy and then suddenly changed 180. Sometimes there isn't signs with these great actresses.
Athalanthas Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Just yesterday my stbxw said that she was "lying to herself and to me". Aaaaarggghhh!!!! Why'd you have to lie?!?!?! If you had only told me you were feeling this way maybe I could have done something sooner. Instead, when she told me, it was already too late in her mind. They all should know that not all of us are bloody mind readers who would know exactly what they need from us. The way they wanted it, how they wanted it. Sheesh! Exasperating huh?
Mountains10 Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Well I wasn't married, but with my fiance for 3 years, and there were no signs all she did is go on a trip and screwed some guy and then suddenly changed 180. Sometimes there isn't signs with these great actresses. Why do all the waywards do a 180? I know I'm asking a rational question about irrational behavior, but I just wonder why they change so much? Why also is it that many times they become unreliable and irresponsible? Is it part of the whole 'self centered' attitude'?
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