Does anyone believe in a future destiny?

[Aquarius Rising]

In choosing to stay with your husband, will he be of the impression that you are fully "back", that you are fully his and that you are pursuing reconciliation and rebuilding of the marriage with the expectation of spending the rest of your life together?

 

Or will he be clear that your marriage will have become just an arrangement of necessity and convenience, to provide a home for the kids, etc?

 

My husband knows that a part of me has been absent from our relationship and I know that that hurts him. We recently had a very open and honest discussion about that and we did discuss separating, I was prepared to move out of our family home (as I am the unfulfilled partner)and try to find myself again, as a separated spouse.

My H does not want that. And I believe that there are just too many unknowns right now. I have not given NC long enough to determine if the absence of MM will be enough to begin to restore and perhaps sustain a lifelong relationship with my H. And the distraction of MM has helped me avoid asking for the things I need in my marriage, because these emotional needs have been partially met with MM.

 

AR

[Owl]

Just realize that JUST the absence of OM isn't the key to recovery, although it's a huge first step.

 

You also need to truly give your marriage a CHANCE. You need to actually TRY to work on your your relationship with your husband.

 

The first MC we went to made a good statement to my wife when she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. My wife just wanted to wait and see how things went...and then decide that she wanted to try to rebuild our marriage.

 

The counselor told her that her plan just would NOT work.

 

She said: "You don't start out by hoping you've got a house, and then suddenly look up one day and find one built for you. First, you decide to build the house. Then you do the blueprints, and finally you build it according to the plan you put together. THEN you have a house.".

 

Think about it. You can't wait and see if your marriage will recover. You can't wait and see if it's worth fixing. You have to chose to fix it FIRST. You have to commit to fixing the marriage, you have to commit to being married. Then you have to come up with HOW you'll rebuild/reconcile. Finally, you do the work to make that happen.

 

Can you see why "trying" without putting any committment into it simply won't work?

 

You have to decide that's what you want to do FIRST...you have to commit to that choice. THEN you do the work and see if what you've got is worth saving.

 

You gotta go there "with all your heart".

[Aquarius Rising]

You also need to truly give your marriage a CHANCE. You need to actually TRY to work on your your relationship with your husband.

 

Can you see why "trying" without putting any committment into it simply won't work?

 

You have to decide that's what you want to do FIRST...you have to commit to that choice. THEN you do the work and see if what you've got is worth saving.

 

You gotta go there "with all your heart".

 

I don't question your wisdom Owl, and your personal experience speaks for itself. Did it take your wife some time, once she started NC with OM, to begin to recommit and TRY?

 

I ask this because, right now, I know that NC is my first big step, but I can't really even begin to focus on the trying part, other than to continue to function as best I can in my marriage. I guess, as with all the other NC attempts, there is a level of grief to overcome first..... maybe after that.... I will find the strength and will to begin to really TRY.

 

Thanks,

AR

[Owl]

AR, I'm going to go into "dangerous territory" to answer your question...I'm going to use terminology and comparisons that many OW/OM do not like...

 

"Ye've been warned!"

 

Many professionals compare affairs to addictions. And recovery from them often follow very similar patterns to people overcoming drug addictions.

 

Think about it. A drug addict will almost never seek help to end the addiction himself...unless he/she hits a "rock bottom" point in their life. When they become totally and completely overwhelmed, and clearly see what's happening as a result of their addiction...perhaps for the first time since it began.

 

Often, an addict will hide their addiction...and help comes from an outside source. Think, "intervention".

 

What happens then? Either voluntarily or involuntarily, the first step is often to completely remove them from their addiction. If they're addicted to alchohol, drugs, whatever, the first step is to block their access to the drug of choice.

 

They immediately go into a 'withdrawl' phase. Severe depression, anxiety, mood swings, loss of appetite, apathy...all typical symptoms of ANY withdrawl, regardless of the drug. (BTW...do these symptoms sound at all familiar when compared to the times you've gone NC with MM?)

 

This withdrawl phase is typically dependent on two major factors...they type of drug, and the duration of the addiction. The longer the addiction, the longer the withdrawl.

 

Then, slowly, they start to come out of it. The depression SLOWLY clears, along with the anxiety. They have recurrent attacks, but they become less often, and less severe. Appetite returns, and the addict typically begins to re-engage in life around them.

 

If they stay clean...they tend to return to a "normal" life. Things that they didn't value during the addiction now suddenly become much more important. Family, friends, etc...

 

I know the standard response to the concept of dealing with affairs as addictions, but keep following the parallels here.

 

During the affair...you're on this "high". And it's renewed with every contact of your affair partner.

 

When you try to end it on your own...you find yourself unable to do so. And this continues, either until you hit a rock bottom moment where you know it needs to end...or, you're caught (intervention!).

 

NC is the same as going cold turkey on the drugs. And it immediately precipitates those "withdrawl" symptoms I mentioned.

 

During that time, you don't want to do ANYTHING but find a way to get access to your affair partner. You don't care about anything else...family, friends, spouse, etc... You can't hardly find a way to focus on ANYTHING but the emptiness from the loss of contact. You lash out at family, friends...anyone who is available. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you're depressed, can't focus...all you can do is cry yourself to sleep.

 

But...over time...as the addiction begins to break...

 

The withdrawl fades. Anxiety attacks come less often, and less violently. You start to take a little more interest in family, in friends. Dealing with your spouse (hopefully) starts to be less and less of a burden.

 

THAT is the timeframe when you can actually make that choice.

 

But the trick is to get there first. FIRST...you have to cut off contact with MM, completely and totally. For life. Don't leave any loopholes.

 

Once you've gone through the withdrawl, you then can start to WANT to recommit to your marriage and your family.

 

This all happened in my wife's situation. Her withdrawl caught me totally and completely off-guard. I had no idea it would be that bad, or last as long as it did.

 

And her affair was relatively short term compared to many.

 

So the bottom line is this...first...you have to commit to working on the marriage. THEN, you have to follow through by COMPLETELY ending the affair, permanently. You have to find a way to cope and survive through the withdrawl, without completely destroying yourself, your family, or your spouse. After that...slowly...you'll get to the point where you WANT to rebuild and reconcile.

 

It's a little bit of faith in there somewhere too. You have to take the leap of faith that your marriage CAN be worth it once you get through things.

 

Hope this helps you some. And again, bear in mind...I watched this whole process happen as part of my own marital recovery. This isn't 'made up'...it's not just words that some guy selling a book came up with. I learned this stuff while going through it the hard way.

[Aquarius Rising]

Thanks for the warning ........ but I think 'addiction' is absolutely what an affair becomes.... and yes, I've had all of those withdrawal symptoms in the past ... and again now ... but to a lesser degree .... because I did reach that point where I knew it had to end .... it could go no further .....

 

And, I have faith, that if I stick to NC, in a couple of months, I'm gonna be looking back at your words here .... and smile .... with absolute certainty .... that you're right.

 

AR

[datura_noir]

This is totally off the cuff here, but....

 

Wouldn't it be a hoot if you two philanderers were just a springboard for the TRUE soulmates in this story: YOUR BS and the OTHER BS????

 

I mean, what if THEIR destiny is the greatest passion ever known, and you two are just the vehicle to bring it all about??? Could their pain shrivel in response to the great heights of their destined love?

 

Who knows? I mean,really, WHO REALLY KNOWS?? In my opinion,those BS's deserve to be just as enthralled as their cheating mates....and maybe, just maybe, they will go about it the RIGHT way!

 

I am always hopeful for an outcome in which everyones conscious can be at ease....

[Aquarius Rising]

In this world dn, ...... anything is possible!

 

AR

[NoIDidn't]

This is totally off the cuff here, but....

 

Wouldn't it be a hoot if you two philanderers were just a springboard for the TRUE soulmates in this story: YOUR BS and the OTHER BS????

 

I mean, what if THEIR destiny is the greatest passion ever known, and you two are just the vehicle to bring it all about??? Could their pain shrivel in response to the great heights of their destined love?

 

Who knows? I mean,really, WHO REALLY KNOWS?? In my opinion,those BS's deserve to be just as enthralled as their cheating mates....and maybe, just maybe, they will go about it the RIGHT way!

 

I am always hopeful for an outcome in which everyones conscious can be at ease....

 

I think such a thing happened with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith and their former partners. No, seriously. They got together and their former partners got together too.

 

It happens.

[Reggie]

Thanks for your post -Z. I agree with you that our hearts can go out to more than just one love. My H is my best friend, my MM is my soul-mate.... now I'm starting to sound like Danielle Steele (laugh)

He doesn't leave for another 5months.... but I guess time will tell.

 

Yeah, this is pretty insipid stuff.

[Aquarius Rising]

Yeah, this is pretty insipid stuff.

 

If I could reverse the order of that R I would..... I can only speak about my current experience.

 

My hope is that in time ..... I will see the OM as a friend who enabled me to learn some valuable life lessons ........... and my H as my soul-mate.....

 

Time will tell once the work begins.

 

AR

[frannie]

This is totally off the cuff here, but....

 

Wouldn't it be a hoot if you two philanderers were just a springboard for the TRUE soulmates in this story: YOUR BS and the OTHER BS????

 

I mean, what if THEIR destiny is the greatest passion ever known, and you two are just the vehicle to bring it all about??? Could their pain shrivel in response to the great heights of their destined love?

 

Who knows? I mean,really, WHO REALLY KNOWS?? In my opinion,those BS's deserve to be just as enthralled as their cheating mates....and maybe, just maybe, they will go about it the RIGHT way!

 

I am always hopeful for an outcome in which everyones conscious can be at ease....

 

This exact thing happened to some very good friends of mine. They got together after discovering that their (now ex) partners were having an affair.

 

And yes, everyone deserves to be loved and happy, I think.

[Owl]

Thanks for the warning ........ but I think 'addiction' is absolutely what an affair becomes.... and yes, I've had all of those withdrawal symptoms in the past ... and again now ... but to a lesser degree .... because I did reach that point where I knew it had to end .... it could go no further .....

 

And, I have faith, that if I stick to NC, in a couple of months, I'm gonna be looking back at your words here .... and smile .... with absolute certainty .... that you're right.

 

AR

 

I really hope so, my friend.

 

I'd forgotten...in your case, is your H aware of the affair?

[Aquarius Rising]

I really hope so, my friend.

 

I'd forgotten...in your case, is your H aware of the affair?

Yes, H knows about OM, I told him 6 weeks after the A began.

[GreenEyedLady]

To the OP in regards to the Original Post:

 

I believe that I make my own destiny.