Does anyone believe in a future destiny?

[Aquarius Rising]

Hello again Loveshack community

 

It has been a long time since my last post. I often log on just to remind myself that I'm not alone in my situation and I always take something valuable from reading the stories, thoughts and opinions expressed here.

 

I have just begun NC, for about the fourth official time, the difference being that there is a real mutuality to it this time.

 

My MM and me had what I would call 6 weeks of ecstacy followed by 6 weeks of hell with both our spouses being told of the A, followed by a 12 month EA trying to support each other, make sense of where we had been, where we need to be going, sifting out the real feelings from the fantasy etc. And in my case seeking some intense counselling.

 

Needless to say, we are still in a similar place after all this time. We both have relatively young children, and are married to honest, genuine, committed, and faithful partners who have stuck by us despite the incredible pain and suffering we inflicted upon them, and consequently ourselves. We both feel a deep sense of obligation, compassion and love for our spouses

 

AND

 

We both know that we have developed a deep attachment to each other, something we describe as 'bigger than the both of us', and 'more than we ever expected to find'. These feelings have not changed in the 14mths that we have known each other, simply 'it is what it is' and we both know that it's love.

 

Together, we each feel that we can be completely who we are.... authentic I guess and there is a sense of absolute one-ness... at times frightening due to the power of this .....

 

BUT

 

We have both agreed that we cannot, at this point in our lives be together. What further complicates that is that in 6mths time he will be living on the other side of the world (indefinitely).

 

I know that I am not crazy to have made the decision to end contact and to remain in my marriage, but am I crazy to entertain the idea that later in life me and MM are destined to be together and that that is a real possibility?????

 

Has anyone on this forum had that experience????? I would be very interested to hear some comments about that. I can't see either one of us just slowly fading away into a distant memory .... but is that because I am still too close and have not allowed enough time to pass.

 

I am a singer/songwriter and have just completed a song to help me process and grieve the no contact decision. Here are the lyrics for any one else who may find comfort as they endure the difficult road of NC.

 

I was gonna write you a letter

To let you know, the things I know

Thinking that my words could make it better

Co's right now I know, gotta let you go

 

I can't hear the music we make anymore

And I can't fit my open heart through this narrow door

I've weathered all the storms

It's time I got on my way

Now that I made it

Back on Shore

 

Been a long time drifting out at sea

Trying to make sense, of what can not be

They say that we find comfort in release

I guess time will tell, once our hearts are free

 

Co's I can't hear the music we make anymore

And I can't fit my open heart through this narrow door

I've weathered all the storms

It's time I got on my way

Now that I made it

Back on Shore

 

Warm regards, AR.

[whichwayisup]

I know that I am not crazy to have made the decision to end contact and to remain in my marriage, but am I crazy to entertain the idea that later in life me and MM are destined to be together and that that is a real possibility?????

 

Honestly, I think it's crazy to think that far ahead. If you ever want your marriage to be better, then you owe it to your husband, to your kids - family - To let go of the MM completely and focus ONLY on your husband and rebuilding what you've shared with him. To think ahead and hope that "one day" when the kids are older or out of the house, you and your husband will divorce so you'll be with the MM again is pointless to fantasize about.

[Aquarius Rising]

Honestly, I think it's crazy to think that far ahead. If you ever want your marriage to be better, then you owe it to your husband, to your kids - family - To let go of the MM completely and focus ONLY on your husband and rebuilding what you've shared with him. To think ahead and hope that "one day" when the kids are older or out of the house, you and your husband will divorce so you'll be with the MM again is pointless to fantasize about.

I guess I have resigned myself to believing that my marriage of 15yrs is what it is too and it is not unbearable, we provide a stable homelife for our children and ultimately I think my H and I are great friends. However, I don't know if it is a relationship that can sustain me for the rest of my life but for now I am prepared to make that sacrifice.

 

I hear what you are saying though.... and it's sounds perfectly logical ..... I guess my heart just wants to hold on to a different picture right now.

[child_of_isis]

You are martyring yourself.

 

but for now I am prepared to make that sacrifice.

 

[Aquarius Rising]

You are martyring yourself.

I'm not sure I understand your comment.

 

Is a Martyr not 'one who endures great suffering on behalf of their belief or principle'?

 

Remaining in my marriage does not mean to endure great suffering. Great suffering was staying in denial that MM and I could be together at this place in time.

[Zab]

 

As long as you are continuing your life. Hells yes. I mean why not? Anyone in a serious affair understands the concept of multiple loves. Your heart connects to more than one person. Why can't you reserve that corner of your heart for them?

 

I think the key to that is that you remember to be willing to wipe that reserved part of your heart out though (your heart is limitted and those resrved things mess up relationships), when you meet that next great love. Which in most cases happens e.g. it usually don't work out. Otherwise Lifetime and Harlequin and Danniel Steele would rule the world instead of ESPN, HBO, and MTV.

 

Let it go. He'll probably be Skyping from the other side of the world in 2 Saturdays anyways

 

-Z

[Aquarius Rising]

Thanks for your post -Z. I agree with you that our hearts can go out to more than just one love. My H is my best friend, my MM is my soul-mate.... now I'm starting to sound like Danielle Steele (laugh)

He doesn't leave for another 5months.... but I guess time will tell.

[Zab]

 

At the end of the day i think it's about finding your center and being happy.

 

If you are comfortable ...who cares what we dummies think?

 

Romance does happen if you stay positive with the right person.

 

(otherwise i am screwed lol)

 

-Z

[Aquarius Rising]

It's nice to find a kindred spirit with whom one can have a bit of a laugh ..... humour is a great healer ....... and let's faced it........ we're all a little screwed!

 

AR :-)

[frannie]

I know that I am not crazy to have made the decision to end contact and to remain in my marriage, but am I crazy to entertain the idea that later in life me and MM are destined to be together and that that is a real possibility?????

 

I'm not sure about the 'destiny' part, I suppose you'd have to define it. I think that if you really feel this way about each other, then there's a good chance you might end up together. Feelings like those you describe are hard to deny, NC does not wither them, in fact they remain smouldering away, however hard you 'focus' on the rest of your life (speaking from personal experience).

 

However, equally, you may not 'end up' with him. Life and its circumstances and twists and turns and all that.

[jwi71]

Why not be together now?

I cannot see any reason to stay with your respective spouse's...why delay your happiness?

[LavendarGirl]

AR,

At risk of being totally skewered by other posters on the site, here's my two cents' worth....

 

There is always a possibility that later in life you and your MM can reunite and be together. But don't let that rule your heart and decisions at this point. You've decided to stay in your marriage and family. So commit to that. Focus on your husband and children and yourself, and for now let your MM go. Easier said than done, I know.

 

Love is a wonderful thing, and if you can walk away from this feeling good inside about having met a special man and hold him in your heart and memories, be happy enough with that for now. If you two can agree to keep everything above board and not let things slip into EA, perhaps you can both agree to write emails to each other on your birthdays (or other date on the calendar). So, through the years and even across the miles, you won't lose connection with each other indefinitely.

 

Who knows, in 10, 15, 20 years you both may be free and both have feelings still for one another that you want to explore. It's so hard to predict that now, and you have known each other only 14 months, which is very short. Honestly, the best thing is for him to fade away as just a memory, but then again he might not.

 

I've been -plagued- with loving a man for 22 years after we broke up. Trust me, I tried to forget him. We did have a pact 22 years ago that if we were both unhappy 20 years later, we'd get back together. And so here we are, 2 years after the expiration date and looking to get back together. Or maybe not, he's M and needs to first D his W. But it can happen.

 

For now, though, really. Let him go, avoid seeing him for 5 months. Bid farewell, wish him the best. Let him be a good father and husband. You have a family to be committed to as well. And if he is your future destiny, well, you have to wait until the future to find out!

 

Okay, so probably not the best advice I should give you because it might be setting you up for false hope. But there it is!

 

--LG.

[Owl]

I've got to say that I agree with one of the earlier comments...what are you waiting for?

 

If you're not "in love" with your H, and you're convinced that you never will be...but you ARE convinced that MM is "the one"...I think that you need to end your marriage.

 

Regardless of whether or not MM does.

 

Remaining with your H, when you're clearly pining for MM is a horrible situation, in a number of ways.

 

1. Not fair to your H.- Even if he's insisting that you are his "one"...clearly, you're not. If you cannot emotionally commit yourself to being with him alone...but that's exactly what his expectations are...then you're wasting his time. You're wasting your time. You're dragging out the pain and suffering.

 

2. Not fair to yourself.- Its not fair to you either.

 

3. Teaches your kids to do the WRONG things.- What reasons do you have to stay? Financial security? Inertia? If that's it...is that what you want to teach your kids to do if they find themselves in the same situation later in their lives????

 

Just because your H begs you to stay is no reason to. If you're not going to give your marriage the fair chance it needs...if he's got no chance to win your heart back...then don't stay. Its not fair to ANYONE.

 

And don't wait for MM to be available. Because that means you're just using your H's desire to be with you as a means to remain financially comfortable. You're basically being paid to give the appearance of being his wife, and all that that entails.

 

If your marriage isn't what it should be, either commit to fixing it, or commit to getting out. Not because you want to be with someone else, but because it's never going to be what you want, and you don't want to teach your kids that its ok to play that kind of game.

 

Either choice...stay or go...is up to you.

 

But...pick one...and do that one with all of your heart.

 

Anything less, is wrong on many, many levels.

[Owl]

Perhaps a quick explanation for my "pick one and do it with all of your heart" would help.

 

I'm a fBS. My wife got involved in an emotional affair, and very nearly left to live with him.

 

Very long story short, she wasn't totally sure on her choice to leave...OM sensed that, told her to not to come. It wasn't so much that he was being noble...what he was trying to do was to force her choice immediately, rather than let her postpone things to think about it.

 

She ended up not going, but went into immediate withdrawl at the end of the affair. Screamed and cried and yelled and on and on at me and the kids for not letting her go to be with "the love of her life". This went on for several weeks, but then she started to calm down some.

 

She resumed contact with him somewhat, and was considering seperating from me while she 'sorted herself out'. What that really meant was that she was back to considering being with him.

 

I told her that there would be no seperation. If she wanted out, if she wanted a "trial run" with him...it was divorce. Either she was going to work on our marriage, or she was going to be divorced.

 

She ended up deciding to work on the marriage. NC was established between her and OM.

 

About that time, she was out shopping with me one day, and found a little sign at a craft store that completely fit the situation.

 

It said: "No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart."

 

She got it. She completely realized that this was what she had to do. She had to either fully commit to the marriage, or fully commit to ending the marriage.

 

That was almost five years ago. We're in a better marriage now than we'd been in the previous 16 years.

 

I'm not telling you that you have to reconcile with your H. I'm not saying you need to go be with OM/MM.

 

I'm just giving you the advice that was on that sign:

 

"No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart."

 

Pick one...and commit to it fully.

[LavendarGirl]

"No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart."

 

Pick one...and commit to it fully.

 

Owl, I love it. I'm going to post this saying in my office so I can see it everyday.

[Owl]

Actually, I think that saying was credited to Confuscious on the sign that my wife saw it on...you might look it up.

 

And if you think about it...Yoda said the same thing. See my signature. :)

[bentnotbroken]

Why not be together now?

I cannot see any reason to stay with your respective spouse's...why delay your happiness?

 

 

Hell, why delay the bs happiness. They deserve to be with honest, respectful, loving partners. They could be missing out on the one that is worth their time staying married to you guys?

[jwi71]

Hell, why delay the bs happiness. They deserve to be with honest, respectful, loving partners. They could be missing out on the one that is worth their time staying married to you guys?

 

I didn't address the BS as the BS isn't posting. Should the BS post I will give a decidedly different response.

I don't know what you mean "you guys"...but I'M a BS myself so the remark is well off the mark.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't address the BS as the BS isn't posting. Should the BS post I will give a decidedly different response.

I don't know what you mean "you guys"...but I'M a BS myself so the remark is well off the mark.

 

 

I used what you said, as a jump off. My response was addressed to the OP. Sorry for the confusion.

[Aquarius Rising]

I'm not sure about the 'destiny' part, I suppose you'd have to define it. I think that if you really feel this way about each other, then there's a good chance you might end up together. Feelings like those you describe are hard to deny, NC does not wither them, in fact they remain smouldering away, however hard you 'focus' on the rest of your life (speaking from personal experience).

 

However, equally, you may not 'end up' with him. Life and its circumstances and twists and turns and all that.

 

Thanks for the input .... I believe we found each other in this lifetime with the guidance of the universe ....... and I'm handing it back to them once again.

 

I appreciate your time Frannie.

[Aquarius Rising]

Why not be together now?

I cannot see any reason to stay with your respective spouse's...why delay your happiness?

 

MM has two children living in another country and has already purchased a home in that country with his W. One of us would have to uproot our entire family and that's simply not possible as this would involve our children being separated from one of their parents ... not an option for us at this point in time.

[Aquarius Rising]

AR,

At risk of being totally skewered by other posters on the site, here's my two cents' worth....

 

There is always a possibility that later in life you and your MM can reunite and be together. But don't let that rule your heart and decisions at this point. You've decided to stay in your marriage and family. So commit to that. Focus on your husband and children and yourself, and for now let your MM go. Easier said than done, I know.

 

Love is a wonderful thing, and if you can walk away from this feeling good inside about having met a special man and hold him in your heart and memories, be happy enough with that for now. If you two can agree to keep everything above board and not let things slip into EA, perhaps you can both agree to write emails to each other on your birthdays (or other date on the calendar). So, through the years and even across the miles, you won't lose connection with each other indefinitely.

 

Who knows, in 10, 15, 20 years you both may be free and both have feelings still for one another that you want to explore. It's so hard to predict that now, and you have known each other only 14 months, which is very short. Honestly, the best thing is for him to fade away as just a memory, but then again he might not.

 

I've been -plagued- with loving a man for 22 years after we broke up. Trust me, I tried to forget him. We did have a pact 22 years ago that if we were both unhappy 20 years later, we'd get back together. And so here we are, 2 years after the expiration date and looking to get back together. Or maybe not, he's M and needs to first D his W. But it can happen.

 

For now, though, really. Let him go, avoid seeing him for 5 months. Bid farewell, wish him the best. Let him be a good father and husband. You have a family to be committed to as well. And if he is your future destiny, well, you have to wait until the future to find out!

 

Okay, so probably not the best advice I should give you because it might be setting you up for false hope. But there it is!

 

--LG.

 

Thanks for the response LG, I will add that to the mix of responses here, in my view they are all valid. Cheers

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Perhaps a quick explanation for my "pick one and do it with all of your heart" would help.

 

I'm a fBS. My wife got involved in an emotional affair, and very nearly left to live with him.

 

Very long story short, she wasn't totally sure on her choice to leave...OM sensed that, told her to not to come. It wasn't so much that he was being noble...what he was trying to do was to force her choice immediately, rather than let her postpone things to think about it.

 

She ended up not going, but went into immediate withdrawl at the end of the affair. Screamed and cried and yelled and on and on at me and the kids for not letting her go to be with "the love of her life". This went on for several weeks, but then she started to calm down some.

 

She resumed contact with him somewhat, and was considering seperating from me while she 'sorted herself out'. What that really meant was that she was back to considering being with him.

 

I told her that there would be no seperation. If she wanted out, if she wanted a "trial run" with him...it was divorce. Either she was going to work on our marriage, or she was going to be divorced.

 

She ended up deciding to work on the marriage. NC was established between her and OM.

 

About that time, she was out shopping with me one day, and found a little sign at a craft store that completely fit the situation.

 

It said: "No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart."

 

She got it. She completely realized that this was what she had to do. She had to either fully commit to the marriage, or fully commit to ending the marriage.

 

That was almost five years ago. We're in a better marriage now than we'd been in the previous 16 years.

 

I'm not telling you that you have to reconcile with your H. I'm not saying you need to go be with OM/MM.

 

I'm just giving you the advice that was on that sign:

 

"No matter where you go, go there with all of your heart."

 

Pick one...and commit to it fully.

 

 

Wise words Owl (ironically, I collect Owls!) and have several on my desk right in front of me. Right here, right now, my heart is still very torn and wants to both honour my marriage and honour what I have with MM. I wish it was clearer for me, where my heart wants to go .... because I believe in that philosophy. In time, and with NC, perhaps it will become so.

 

Thank you for taking the time to share Owl.

 

AR

[Trimmer]

In choosing to stay with your husband, will he be of the impression that you are fully "back", that you are fully his and that you are pursuing reconciliation and rebuilding of the marriage with the expectation of spending the rest of your life together?

 

Or will he be clear that your marriage will have become just an arrangement of necessity and convenience, to provide a home for the kids, etc?

 

I guess somehow, I think it makes a difference. If he thinks you are "back" but you have that long term dream of meeting your destiny eventually, I think you are essentially lying to him.

 

On the other hand, if he understands "how things are" and has resigned himself, too, to the status quo as it truly exists, then it doesn't seem so much like a deception on your part to hold out for "something better eventually." However, it doesn't sound like a very fulfilling partnership for either of you...

[Aquarius Rising]

In choosing to stay with your husband, will he be of the impression that you are fully "back", that you are fully his and that you are pursuing reconciliation and rebuilding of the marriage with the expectation of spending the rest of your life together?

 

Or will he be clear that your marriage will have become just an arrangement of necessity and convenience, to provide a home for the kids, etc?

 

I guess somehow, I think it makes a difference. If he thinks you are "back" but you have that long term dream of meeting your destiny eventually, I think you are essentially lying to him.

 

On the other hand, if he understands "how things are" and has resigned himself, too, to the status quo as it truly exists, then it doesn't seem so much like a deception on your part to hold out for "something better eventually." However, it doesn't sound like a very fulfilling partnership for either of you...

 

Your thoughts raise some big questions for me. I'm not sure what my answers are exactly ..... but I appreciate you asking them just the same. I will come back to you on these after more reflection.

AR