97128 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 So heres my story. I have been married for 6 years to a decent guy but not so decent father. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship and 1 child with him. He is not very nice to my older 2 boys at all. If it was not for the youngest child I would call it quits its just not fun. Still I know it makes what I am doing no less unfair. However the situation is what it is. I have been seeing a guy friend of mine for over a month now. We text constantly and every other Friday we have gotten together. I don't know what to do I really like this guy but I am not sure if he likes me that way other than a booty call. God I never thought I would even ever have to think about this. We have so much in common as for our love of sports so when we do text its either flirting or about football or baseball. I mean if it were just for the sex for him wouldnt he have gotten it once or twice then quit? Like I said we were friends before though. I am not having sex with both because my husband I never do it anyway. Maybe 5 times a year. So for the past month I only do it with my friend. I am not even sure what I am getting at other than trying to see if he likes me argggg this is lame LOL
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 OK. What is it you'd like us to contribute? Having an affair has solbed nothing, as you can tell, and if anything, things are now more complicated. If your H. is not nice to your boys - this, I have to say would have been a deal-breaker for me. He has no right to be unpleasant and unkind to them, simply because they're not his. They're still half yours, and with you, so any disrespect, unkindness and malice to them, is the same to you. It's a control issue. But that does not excuse you cheating. And not having sex with your H is no justification for what you're doing. You need to sever contact with your fun-piece, and have a serious talk with your husband. because things will not get less complicated, they'll get worse. if your H finds out, there will be hell to pay. SO: You either need to come clean, confess, take the flak and decide - the both of you - what needs doing, or - you need to seriously think about whether you actually want this particular match to play into injury time and penalties, or just call it a mis-match of the day?
LavendarGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 As a mom what you really need to do is deal with the issue of your H's treatment of your kids. Marriage counseling, group counseling, divorce, whatever. But put your kids first, please. I didn't really see any statement about your H as a partner with you. You need to address those issues as well. Your affair with this man is only complicating your life and distracting you from the issues that you need to tackle. Best of luck to you. --LG.
norajane Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I mean if it were just for the sex for him wouldnt he have gotten it once or twice then quit?Why should he quit? It's free. And easy. A sure thing. No strings attached because you're married, so he knows you can't have or expect a real relationship with him. So all he has to do is accept the ego validation you give him by flirting, and enjoy the sports talk and sex. Saves him all kinds of time and money taking women out on dates who might, gasp, want to develop a relationship! Actually, he probably is dating women, too. Make sure you're using condoms!
lkjh Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Why dont you just divorce your H. How can you expect anyone to be a father to your children if you just jump from man to man? I 'm sorry if that sounds mean but its true. As a guy I can tell you that the OM will not just hit it and quit it. Why would any guy give up free a** with no commitment.
Author 97128 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 I am not looking for a father to my boys they have a father. I just want someone is going to be nice. and i wasnt trying to make excuses for my behavior because obviously if you stray things are not good. I have never ever found myself in this kind of predicament but most of the advice was good stuff. Especially this following statement "Why should he quit? It's free. And easy. A sure thing. No strings attached because you're married, so he knows you can't have or expect a real relationship with him. So all he has to do is accept the ego validation you give him by flirting, and enjoy the sports talk and sex. Saves him all kinds of time and money taking women out on dates who might, gasp, want to develop a relationship! Actually, he probably is dating women, too. Make sure you're using condoms! " God so true right. Me and this guy have been friends for like 6 yrs so I guess thats where the confusion lies. Hes a good friend always has been. So I think I can cut ties without it getting ugly but I am not sure if I want to. Easier said then done though right. I am just at a loss.
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Right, well, you have to decide which is more important to you LONG-TERM.... Your fling, or your H? In other words, are you going to follow your head, or your heart? Right now, you need to use both in equal measures, because whilst you're caught up in the emotion of it all, you're losing your mental sense of equilibrium. You need at least to put this A aside for now, and really think about your R with your H. Nowe, as I said, this attitude towards your boys is a stinker. No two ways about it. But is it remediable, or have you left it too late? How old are the boys?? How have they been affected? What does their own dad say? has he ever tried to do anything about it? I hate to sound bitchy, but you really should have intervened a long time ago, because by letting this behaviour continue, you've perpetuated it too. You've let your boys down, if he is still treating them badly. This is a big issue, let alone everything else.
frannie Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Hello. I agree with nj, of course he won't want to give up the sex after a few goes , and the fact you're also friends is a bonus for him, I would have thought? Anyway, your situation is so similar to many MW who have posted on here. Your marriage isn't the best, and you've found someone you like on the 'outside', but all that's done is complicate things. You STILL have to sort out what's going on at home. And as you're a mother, there are those sons of yours who are suffering because you're not sorting out the issues with the man you're married to. Really, providing a good home life for your children needs to come first (you don't need me to tell you that of course!). And any time you're spending wondering about this OM is just wasted energy which could/should be going into dealing with this man who is 'not nice' to his stepsons.
Billie63 Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You don't mention how he treats your third child. Why is he mean to two of them and not the third? Could it be he's being harder with the older two because they need a firm hand? Please elaborate on how he treats them.
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Good question. I suspect it's a girl.....
Author 97128 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 The third child is a boy he is just younger and is a perfect Angel really. The 4th is our daughter together. She is the reason I allow him to stay. He is not physically harmful and yes I know mental abuse is just as bad if not worse to the Psyche anyhow. The older 2 are more headstrong but I mostly think its because my hubby is immature and is trying to compete with them. My 2nd son is a star baseball player and my husband instead of telling him good job will say things like oh well you should have done this instead. My hubby doesnt know the first thing about Baseball or sports in general and he is doing to lower his self esteem though he claims he is trying to deflate my sonds head LOL.. My son is good and knows it BUT that doesnt mean you have to try and cut him down he is a little kid for petes sake. Now mind you he tries at times i think and I have tried to give him tips and hints on how to deal with the boys but it all sems to go unheard. My children are the most important things in the world to me and if you can't treat them or myself right sorry we are not going to work. I have talked to him until i'm red in the tears in my eyes ready to kill him if he treats them bad again blah blah. He will do fine for months then BAM!!! Now he is great to our daughter and of course she can do no wrong she is daddies princess, as it should be. However she can doing something and her brothers will try and correct her and he'll say get the F out of here thats my job to correct her. Now if I try and correct her he is like hey you don't have to listen to mommy come here and daddy will let you do whatever. Then other times he tells her she better listen or else WTF??? I have told him he is creating a monster he says he doesnt care she can do no wrong remember. Anyhow again I am not justifying my actions. I guess I am so scared for my daughter because when I left the boys dad it was the worst thing in the world for them! I don't wabnt her to miss her daddy and I don't want to have to deal with "When is it my weekend?" I am so complicating my life as every other poster said LOL..I am just at a loss and have momentarily checked out of the garbage for a while for awhile. I just know things won't change with the hubby and the OM is in no way what i'd want for a long term thing its just an escape I don't think besides a new man is not the answer to my problem. Oh this feels so good getting this out. Thank you all for the feed back even the crappy non-helpful stuff LOL
Owl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Family counseling. Insist on it. Don't ASK your H...tell him that it's that, or the highway. Oh...and end your affair. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you're doing yourself no good there. If you don't want to end the affair...then divorce. You solve two problems at one shot...your H's ability to be a lousy parent, and the fact that you're not getting what you want from your H.
LavendarGirl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 It might be -easier- to stay in your marriage because you don't want to rock the boat. Or because the financial stress and the other unknowns are daunting. But you need to put your kids first here. It sounds almost like you are saying...well there are four kids, and he's mean to 2 of them and nice to 2, so it averages out that he's in the middle as a dad/stepdad. NO! The first two boys are suffering, that should be enough for you to change the situation. And your daughter being treated as better than her brothers is only going to set her up for dysfunction later on in life. I think you are taking this affair as your stress-reliever band-aid. Take away the affair for now. Solve your problems as home, putting your KIDS FIRST. You need to decide whether you fix your marriage or leave it.
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 It takes real balls to change something so radically. You've done it before, you can do it again. You actually come across as quite a strong lady, because you're not actually whingeing about anything..... So I think it's crunch time. The affair's proved that. Even if you end it (which I agree, you should) it's changed things for you, definitively. It's moved you several steps further away from your H., as if you weren't removed enough already. Here's something a bit radical - I'm only putting it out as a feeder..... How would it be if you actually discussed it with your oldest kids? or would that be a no-no?
Dexter Morgan Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I am not even sure what I am getting at other than trying to see if he likes me argggg this is lame LOL Your right, it is lame. Its very lame for a married woman to be screwing another man. If all you care about is if this other guy likes you, then get a divorce already.
Reggie Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I think you are using your dissatisfaction with your H's parenting as justification for what you are doing. Otherwise, why even mention that issue? It is completely seperate and has nothing to do with your cheating. Your H is not a perfect parent. I'd venture, based on your willingness to live dishonestly, you are not perfect, either. Regardless having sex with other people and emotionally abusing your husband like this( infidelity is considered the most severe form of emotional abuse by most therapists) is cruel and completely unjustifiable. Has your husband forfeited his right to be treated as a decent human being becuse he is not the best parent?
Author 97128 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Not using the dysfunctional H as an excuse at all of course there are other issues DUH the being an a-hole to my oldest 2 however is the worst offense. To Geisha you seem to be the most levelheaded out of the lot thank you. I have talked to my oldest a bit he is 17 and all he tells me is he wants me to happy and if its with H then so be in and if not so be it. THe next oldest is 13 not too ready for that conversation yet, IDK I have to feel that out. Yes Reggie he has forfeited his right to be treated any differently than the way he treats the oldest boys. And Lavendar I was with you until you got to the evening out because hes ****ty to 2 out of 4 kids everything before and after was great though lol, thank you. I am very financially secure by myself more so than H I am the one bringing home the bacon so to speak. Its just more of dreading putting my daughter what my boys went through when their DAD was out of the house. There was this one time long before the OM came into the picture that I actually did try to put the H out and he tells my 6 yr old well mommy thinks its time for me to go sorry I can't live with you anymore. So he brings the kids into it like that. At this point after lots of thinking the 3 or 4 week fling will cease for now. However doesnt changed that its happened. THank you all for the insight I will be back to see what other advice or thoughts you all have. Again thank you to all, yes all lol
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 If your daughter's welfare is the only concern, then of course it's a big one, but it's not insurmountable. Assuming - and only prematurely, wildly assuming - that you may well consider the D route: Provided you are open and honest with her, and discuss things with her (on her level) then you should be able to keep her on a relatively even keel. Never bad-mouth her dad to her. Try to be impartial and not say anything that would cause prejudice. She has her 3 brothers to communicate with, and the 2 eldest have previous experience (!) Your eldest sounds level-headed, which makes me think that the children will form a kind of mutually supportive mini network for each other. But never fend off questions, be as honest as you can, and be respectful towards your H. Most of this you'll probably know already, but reiteration doesn't hurt.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Not using the dysfunctional H as an excuse at all of course there are other issues DUH the being an a-hole to my oldest 2 however is the worst offense. To Geisha you seem to be the most levelheaded out of the lot thank you. I have talked to my oldest a bit he is 17 and all he tells me is he wants me to happy and if its with H then so be in and if not so be it. THe next oldest is 13 not too ready for that conversation yet, IDK I have to feel that out. I actually did try to put the H out and he tells my 6 yr old well mommy thinks its time for me to go sorry I can't live with you anymore. So he brings the kids into it like that. At this point after lots of thinking the 3 or 4 week fling will cease for now. However doesnt changed that its happened. THank you all for the insight I will be back to see what other advice or thoughts you all have. Again thank you to all, yes all lol The examples you give of abuse are... very minor. Does he yell at them? Scream? Throw things? He doesn't have to be captain supportive... he isn't the kid's Dad! Jeeze, he may be lacking as a father... but...... You need to call a divorce immediately. So what if he tells the kids the truth. It's better than letting yourself get caught doing what your doing! The last thing your kids need to be thinking is that Mommy is a cheap whore! I just don't see what your thinking!
Reggie Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Does not sound like you have any love for your H. So, isn't the decison easy? Why not part ways so each of you can try to be happier.
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