Zammo25 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Hands up I have become a pathetic person. I am a middle aged man and am acting like a Schoolboy. My love of my life finished with me again ( I had several close calls ) and I know its over for good. I can't accept it but I know its over for good. I used to be a succesful professional business man . Now I cannot do anything at work. Every day is meaningless and I wonder why I am even bothering. Every night I dread as I wake up and the break up hits like a ton of bricks. My ex is gone. I cry out like a wounded dog. Literally cry out loud which probably scares the neighbours. I had the perfect woman. Kind, generous and very beautiful. Too good for me in all truth which I always knew all along. Any man would have been proud to have her on his arm as I was. One of the things I am coming to terms with is that I always loved her far more than she loved me. After all why would she decide I am not worth having in her life anymore. No doubt she is out there dating someone else already. No doubt he will be in her bedoom tonight having the time of his life whilst I will be in mine dying and crying. I am not coping and each day after a meangless day at work drive home to my empty house and drink and smoke the pain away until it hits when the stimulants wear off. At 46 I think life has passed me by never to find happiness. It seems pointless even trying anymore. Men are meant o be strong aren't they. They are mean't to say, good riddance, its her loss but I can't its my fault for blowing the best thing I had and it will never get better.
foxh1234 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Been there and got through it. You can also, you just need a strong support system ( friends, family and us here at LS ) time and the most important thing to get you through the pain is complete and 100% NC. Cut all contact, delete her from FB, or any other online sites. Get rid of all pictures and letters,etc..... get busy doing new stuff and let time do its thing. Any contact will just hurt you, trust me.
audrey_1 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 It WILL pass. Time heals all. You should probably lean more on the time than the cigarettes and booze. Alcohol is a depressant and will only compound your emotions. Plus it will just temporarily shut your brain off from dealing with the hurt and prolong the healing process. Try exercising or reading a book instead, or just sit there and cry without drinking. Feel it, process it, let it take its course and recede like a low tide. We have to take time to grieve, accept that we are hurting, and let it run its course naturally. Why did you guys have "several close calls"? You say she was too good for you and you blew it? How did you blow it? No one is ever too good for us. We simply aren't compatible, or things don't progress naturally, so we have to move on. Even when bad things happen, it probably was supposed to happen that way, and our choices may or may not have effected what the outcome would be. But there's no need in beating yourself up about the past. What's done is done, and you need to concentrate on moving forward. Your life is NOT over at forty-six. It's silly to even think that! Some may even call it their prime. Time spent worrying about the past blocks what could be happening NOW or in your future.
Author Zammo25 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Been there and got through it. You can also, you just need a strong support system ( friends, family and us here at LS ) time and the most important thing to get you through the pain is complete and 100% NC. Cut all contact, delete her from FB, or any other online sites. Get rid of all pictures and letters,etc..... get busy doing new stuff and let time do its thing. Any contact will just hurt you, trust me. I want to let go but can't. I check face book and look at her beautiful face. I check my mobile photos of her. I have been in NC excpt a final e mail for 8 days now and its destroying me.
Author Zammo25 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 It WILL pass. Time heals all. You should probably lean more on the time than the cigarettes and booze. Alcohol is a depressant and will only compound your emotions. Plus it will just temporarily shut your brain off from dealing with the hurt and prolong the healing process. Try exercising or reading a book instead, or just sit there and cry without drinking. Feel it, process it, let it take its course and recede like a low tide. We have to take time to grieve, accept that we are hurting, and let it run its course naturally. Why did you guys have "several close calls"? You say she was too good for you and you blew it? How did you blow it? No one is ever too good for us. We simply aren't compatible, or things don't progress naturally, so we have to move on. Even when bad things happen, it probably was supposed to happen that way, and our choices may or may not have effected what the outcome would be. But there's no need in beating yourself up about the past. What's done is done, and you need to concentrate on moving forward. Your life is NOT over at forty-six. It's silly to even think that! Some may even call it their prime. Time spent worrying about the past blocks what could be happening NOW or in your future. She told me what she wantd over the 3 years. I did not act ( fasy enough ) and now its over. So its the regret and beating myself up and the what if I had done this, what if I had said that instead ?. I know even if we got engaged or married she could have dumped me at anytime but I did not give it a try and now its too late.
audrey_1 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 She told me what she wantd over the 3 years. I did not act ( fasy enough ) and now its over. So its the regret and beating myself up and the what if I had done this, what if I had said that instead ?. I know even if we got engaged or married she could have dumped me at anytime but I did not give it a try and now its too late. Well, perhaps it is too late. What's the lesson here? I hope that my ex is thinking the same thing that you are. I loved him unconditionally, would have done anything for him, helped him out professionally, supported him emotionally and wasn't clingy. I lived 2 hours away. Perhaps I just wasn't convenient enough, but I never pressed him in any way. I thought things were fine until accidentally finding out he is dating someone else, even while he was stringing me along and I thought we were building something real. If he had this wake-up call, as it seems you are, I would probably be too afraid to take him back, figure he had realized the grass on the other side wasn't greener, or it was too little too late. Just pick yourself up and realize that next time, when someone gives you their all in a relationship, you show up for each moment and give it the attention it deserves, if you're truly all-in and care deeply for this person. There was a "final" email between you? Do you absolutely know it's over?
Surfer Dude Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 She told me what she wantd over the 3 years. I did not act ( fasy enough ) and now its over. So its the regret and beating myself up and the what if I had done this, what if I had said that instead ?. I know even if we got engaged or married she could have dumped me at anytime but I did not give it a try and now its too late. Don't beat yourself up. It takes two parties to break up, and she is also to blame as well. Sounds like she didn't love you. I'm sorry to hear that. The pain is unbearable, but try to work it out, don't give in to alcohol and meds.
Author Zammo25 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Well, perhaps it is too late. What's the lesson here? I hope that my ex is thinking the same thing that you are. I loved him unconditionally, would have done anything for him, helped him out professionally, supported him emotionally and wasn't clingy. I lived 2 hours away. Perhaps I just wasn't convenient enough, but I never pressed him in any way. I thought things were fine until accidentally finding out he is dating someone else, even while he was stringing me along and I thought we were building something real. If he had this wake-up call, as it seems you are, I would probably be too afraid to take him back, figure he had realized the grass on the other side wasn't greener, or it was too little too late. Just pick yourself up and realize that next time, when someone gives you their all in a relationship, you show up for each moment and give it the attention it deserves, if you're truly all-in and care deeply for this person. There was a "final" email between you? Do you absolutely know it's over? She loves me and care for me but can't be with me. I did not give the commitment in the time we had and now I have promised to do so its too late. What a fool !. She has given up. I don't blame her. Its the realization of your own mistakes and not just going for it. Now its too late and you don't know what you had until its gone. I did nothing majorly wrong and sure she had her irratating points. I did not cheat on her or anything infact I only had eyes for her. I do think I loved her more than she ever loved me.
Author Zammo25 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Don't beat yourself up. It takes two parties to break up, and she is also to blame as well. Sounds like she didn't love you. I'm sorry to hear that. The pain is unbearable, but try to work it out, don't give in to alcohol and meds. Thats it she did not love me or at least nowhere near as much as I loved her. My previous relationship lasted 13 years and I foregave much more serious issues than she is dumping me for. I guess she was not in it for the long haul and if she really loved me she would have been and kept working at it. Its damn hard to come to term with.
Justmike101 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Zammo, get it together. You were fine before you met her. You will be fine after as well. You are still the confident successful guy. Right now your ego has been hurt and your perception of yourself is really low. This too will pass but it can pass faster with some work. Stand up, man. Never fully give into a woman until it is mutual. Don't think that love is just some kind of supernatural force that binds people. No, it is really a sick game. You gotta take precautions and put a lot of thought into it. Don't give too much if she isn't giving either. Put this into context in your next relationship. You will get plenty more chances. Meanwhile, don't get fat and dont do bad in business. keep making successes and be yourself stud.
Doofus Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 My good man you echo sentiments I have run through my head a thousand times since my own breakup - yet every time I express those things to a good friend of mine he simply shakes his head and says, " you're not pathetic, you are human". This is a normal response to losing someone close to us. It likely doesn't help but I want you to know I felt the same way. With respect to you missing the opportunity - I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Without demonizing your ex I think you should realize that if someone really loves us they don't have time limits on it. Also, why couldn't she have gently discussed this with - as many times as was necessary? The point is that while all of us tend to bemoan ONE mistake or ONE problem, unless that problem is infidelity I don't think it is ever that simple. When I first broke up with my ex I felt like I had missed golden opportunities to be happy. I thought that if ONLY I hadn't broken up that things would have gone great - except that all the reasons why I was upset with the relationship were still there, except now I am lonely. It wasn't just about what I did, but rather it also mattered what SHE did. By the same token it isn't that YOU missed the opportunity but that she also had her reasons. Anyway, I am truly sorry that you are so distraught and I hope that you gain some solace from the responses you read here. Best of luck
Ingenue Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Zammo, You will be okay. Trust me. My 5 year relationship ended with my ex dumping me over email no less. Had you asked me 6 years ago if I would become one of those weepy, super emotional, can't get up off the floor type of girls in a break up, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. But, in those moments of despair and heartbreak, that's exactly what I became. I had weeks where I was crying endlessly. Now, almost 6 months after the break up, I'm doing much better. I'm dating new people, my life has returned. Don't be too hard on yourself. Going through a break up is heart wrenching. It takes all of our strength, resolve and determination to get through some of the darker moments. Just remember that we are not defined by those we date. We are only defined by what we make of ourselves and how we act in those moments. If we are content with who we are and what we can become and have become, the rest all just falls into place. When you reach that place, you'll look back and realise that sometimes we need to feel that heartbreak and ache before picking ourselves up again. Good luck. It does honestly get better (said the gal who was watching the mountains of kleenex pile up).
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I want to let go but can't. I check face book and look at her beautiful face. I check my mobile photos of her. I have been in NC excpt a final e mail for 8 days now and its destroying me. You really, absolutely completely have to stop doing this. And you can let go, but you don't want to. You really have to want to start healing, before you can start healing, and you're not ready to let go. So you are going to put yourself through more agony, piling it on, and getting in deep. That's ok. Be brave. Be very brave. Give your mobile 'phone to a friend and get him to delete the photos of her. YES!! YOU HAVE to do this!! Stop beating yourself up, like this, or trust me, this will take years, rather than months!! And delete or close your account on facebook, or get someone to change your pass word and do not open another account, ever. Facebook and Myspace are two site that you will use to kill yourself with, over and over. Finally - stop with the pain-numbing 'exercises'. if you numb the pain, it will become the worst habit ever, and - how will you ever know, and truly realise that - actually - hey, look at that - ?!? It doesn't hurt as much, any more.....!
You'reasian Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Hands up I have become a pathetic person. I am a middle aged man and am acting like a Schoolboy. My love of my life finished with me again ( I had several close calls ) and I know its over for good. I can't accept it but I know its over for good. I used to be a succesful professional business man . Now I cannot do anything at work. Every day is meaningless and I wonder why I am even bothering. Every night I dread as I wake up and the break up hits like a ton of bricks. My ex is gone. I cry out like a wounded dog. Literally cry out loud which probably scares the neighbours. I had the perfect woman. Kind, generous and very beautiful. Too good for me in all truth which I always knew all along. Any man would have been proud to have her on his arm as I was. One of the things I am coming to terms with is that I always loved her far more than she loved me. After all why would she decide I am not worth having in her life anymore. No doubt she is out there dating someone else already. No doubt he will be in her bedoom tonight having the time of his life whilst I will be in mine dying and crying. I am not coping and each day after a meangless day at work drive home to my empty house and drink and smoke the pain away until it hits when the stimulants wear off. At 46 I think life has passed me by never to find happiness. It seems pointless even trying anymore. Men are meant o be strong aren't they. They are mean't to say, good riddance, its her loss but I can't its my fault for blowing the best thing I had and it will never get better. Sorry to hear about this. Time to find a support group? Drinking and smoking is no way to recover - find healthier alternatives to pull you out of the muck.
ahhhchooo Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I know exactly how you feel. For a while I was looking at myself thinking what a pitiful shell of myself I had become. For months I was drinking obscene amounts in the 'comfort' of my own home, smoking like a train and eating trash food. Combined with stress, I was literally losing my hair. It's growing back now
M3mphisSaint Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I think you should check out the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy
sacg Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Mate, you aint pathetic, not at all, but you are allowing yourself to think that way and act a certain way. Its you, no-one else, that i swear. I, like many others have been there, and very close to your story. I lost someone, my soulmate, by not doing things (or thats what i though at the time) fast enough, I blamed myself and put her on such a pedestal you wouldnt imagine. That was the first mistake. Then i begged, pleaded, offered support, god, i even offered support when she lied to me and ended up with an ******* we both knew, left me for in fact. Still i was there, still i was acting "pathetic". Me, not her, not anyone else making me, me! I drank, I smoked and i generally "got out of it" and let me tell you this, it didnt help, and as someone else said, it prolonged it, by 6 months, 6 months. I prologned it, my life stopped, i felt really down at times. i thouht life was over, at 39 (so i can relate) i though i'd missed my chances in life, i was too old, i was alone and lost the "perfect" person. See how this is detremental to your positive thinking, to your healing and learning? Now, i didnt lose that pathetic tag for over 6 months my friend, and this is why i decided to write you. You have to get a grip now. Go NC and try and look at yourself positive and get busy. She will come round if she loves you, but staying in touch will hurt you and push her away. I joined a gym, i slowly accepted my faults and HERS and moved on, as fast as was possible for me as a person. i must say, a lot faster when i accepted and went NC properly. i still struggle, but im far from that place i was in. Ive had a real rollercouster ride mate, mostly down to me. Read some of my posts to get the idea, and I put money on it your going to go through similar unless you face up now. She may well come back, its likely that she will not though, and the sooner you see how good you are, or at the very least how EQUAL we all are, the better things will be all round. What will happen will happen EITHER way. Just a final note, I was succssful in busisness too, and this destroyed me, I lost my very well paid job as a direct result of how I let myself become, and to top it off, now face bankrupcy as a result. far worse problems than being alone. im now in a lot harder place, unemployed in the UK in the middle of this credit **** and on my own. Whilst im getting better and a lot more confident, life is tough. This could have been avoided if I'd have listened to more people on here, and my head instead of my heart. Stay strong mate, its nothing to do with being a lesser man or a 46 yo man, your not pathetic, but you can be stronger. You stand to lose a hell of a lot more if you fall, incluiding diginity, which is far more important than thinking your pathetic. Good luck and stay in touch.
flc Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Quit crying in your beer, delete all of the pictures and phone numbers. Remove her from your life and look for something to keep you occupied. In a few weeks/months start looking for someone new to get that great feeling all over again. There are many women that can provide you the same feelings you had with this one, learn from your mistakes and move on. Life is too short to sit around and think about what might have been.
Author Zammo25 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Quit crying in your beer, delete all of the pictures and phone numbers. Remove her from your life and look for something to keep you occupied. In a few weeks/months start looking for someone new to get that great feeling all over again. There are many women that can provide you the same feelings you had with this one, learn from your mistakes and move on. Life is too short to sit around and think about what might have been. Well another crap night over with the aid of a bottle of wine. I know its not the answer but it dulls the pain. Strange thing was last night was thinking this is the right thing for both of us, during the night and thind morning there is a huge void in my life and empty feeling. I feel bad today. Still done NC for 10 days now but the longer it goes on the worse it seems to get as the faint hope you have they will come back is slipping further. I hate myself for being so weak but so far I am being strong as I had done NC and not done any begging pleading or calling, not once apart from a last face to face 10 days ago when I stated my case and a follow up e mail all to no avail. What I have to accept is she did not love me , certainly not as much as I loved her and that hurts. It shatters your self esteem and self worth. I see to have no identity in my own mind without her in my life. Trade is also terrible in the UK so I can't throw myself into work as there's no business out there which also means money worries are massive as well. I have never fallen apart like this before in over 25 years of dating. Will it ever get better ?.
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Yes. Yes, yes, yes. "Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured." Follow advice on the forum, and move about. Walk as much as you can. Get a dog. That focusses your mind on having to look after something and devote yourself to its well-being. The affection you get back is constant and unconditional. have you done as I advised and deleted the photos, like I told you? I suspect not. DO IT!!! You halt your own progress voluntarily, by going into denial and ignoring our advice. Really, we help, because we know what it's like.
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