EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 So, I met this guy about 3 years ago at my job. We never persued anything or stayed in contact because he was married. About 4 months ago he found me on an internet site, and we starting talking about what we both been up to. He stated that he is now divorced and moved into his own home. So after a month of reuniting with each other he decided to come into town and see me. and we had a great time together and became intimate. He ended up spending two days with me. We pretty much just had a great time and enjoyed each others company. We never established anything, just basically wanted to see where it goes. we spoke and emailed each other everyday until a few dys ago. I knew he was single, but he never stated that he was dating anyone seriously.. He has always been very upfront and honest with me about everything So, we decided mutually like it would be a good idea for me to fly up to his home state and spend a few days with him. and so I did. The four days was full of laughter, passion, and excitement. and I was sad for it to end. Now, the day before i left he checked his facebook account and he forgot to log off. The next day when I got home and was about to get on my internet I noticed he was still logged on. and so I checked it. His first message was that he met someone and thinks she may be the one. and so, I thought he was reffering to me. But the next mssage clearly wasnt about me, which left me dumb founded. He is planning a valentine day get away for him and his new girl. Now, my friend thinks I should call him and ask him why did he lie about not being with someone, and what was the point of me coming to see him for 4 days and being around his daughter? But how do I ask if im not suppose too know this infomation? I feel so hurt, because I eel like I opened myself up and we were on two totally different pages.
AlektraClementine Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 let it go. chalk it up to a good time had. you snooped and found out something that was hurtful to you. so it usually goes with snooping. What good could possibly come of a confrontation. No answer he provides will make you feel less hurt. In fact, he will probably say something that makes it hurt more.
Miss Ting Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Wow...that's a tough cookie. He sucks and if you're like me, you couldn't just move on without ever really saying anything. You should confront him, but because you technically never really asked or confirmed that you two were exclusive, I"m sure he'll have a reasonable defense. Now, I don't know how he'll explain dating you when he has supposedly "found the one," ...that's just testimony to his grimmey-ness. Definitely don't get hung up over him. The good thing is that it hasn't been terribly long since you two have been dealing. Hopefully, you'll learn from this experience. Obvious lesson: Don't make any assumptions, if you want something or need to know something, you need to ask and talk about it...this will save you from possible heartbreaks.
djdiablo Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 What do you want? You want a real relationship with him? Ask him about it and tell him you were not snooping intentionally. IMO, you need to get closure since you seem to have had a jolly good time with this fellow. If you don't ask, you will always be wondering: "What if I read his msg wrong?" Keeping it to yourself AND keeping the relationship going will only force what could be a small misunderstanding to fester into something big later on. The fun will disappear. If it is not a small misunderstanding, move on from this liar. Hope it works out. P.S. It seems kind of hard to believe he was not talking about you if he introduced you to his daughter and you guys got intimate. But if it is true... you know what to do.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 let it go. chalk it up to a good time had. you snooped and found out something that was hurtful to you. so it usually goes with snooping. What good could possibly come of a confrontation. No answer he provides will make you feel less hurt. In fact, he will probably say something that makes it hurt more. Thanks Alektra. I agree no good comes from snooping, but I guess I just wanted to know what my status was. Im sure its no way for him to completly answer my questions without him knowing evrything that I know
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Wow...that's a tough cookie. He sucks and if you're like me, you couldn't just move on without ever really saying anything. You should confront him, but because you technically never really asked or confirmed that you two were exclusive, I"m sure he'll have a reasonable defense. Now, I don't know how he'll explain dating you when he has supposedly "found the one," ...that's just testimony to his grimmey-ness. Definitely don't get hung up over him. The good thing is that it hasn't been terribly long since you two have been dealing. Hopefully, you'll learn from this experience. Obvious lesson: Don't make any assumptions, if you want something or need to know something, you need to ask and talk about it...this will save you from possible heartbreaks. I never made any assumptions. I knew when I first went to go see him that I was going out there as a friend and w were getting to know each other more. I wanted to ask a lot of questions but it was hard because his daughter was with us. If I confront him what would I say with out talking in code?
Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks Alektra. I agree no good comes from snooping, but I guess I just wanted to know what my status was. Im sure its no way for him to completly answer my questions without him knowing evrything that I know I think something really good happened with snooping. Imagine this going on for months, where you fully invested, only to find out he's juggling. A hard lesson to learn about someone you trusted but the sooner you found out, the easier it is to move on.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 What do you want? You want a real relationship with him? Ask him about it and tell him you were not snooping intentionally. IMO, you need to get closure since you seem to have had a jolly good time with this fellow. If you don't ask, you will always be wondering: "What if I read his msg wrong?" Keeping it to yourself AND keeping the relationship going will only force what could be a small misunderstanding to fester into something big later on. The fun will disappear. If it is not a small misunderstanding, move on from this liar. Hope it works out. P.S. It seems kind of hard to believe he was not talking about you if he introduced you to his daughter and you guys got intimate. But if it is true... you know what to do. I do wanta relationship with him. and he still doesnt know that this is day 3 of me checking his messages. So, hes not aware that i even know this info. and he wasnt talking about me because he said the girls name.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks Trial, I agree, snooping did work in my favor this time. I guess Im just shocked that he had me around his daughter for four days, and what the entire purpose of me flying over a thousand miles to see him, if he met "the one"
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 What a slimeball. I say just ignore it and move on. And I'm the type that can't usually say nothing when something like this comes up. But in this case, it's just going to make you look bad (even though I agree with TBF - something good came of the snooping). He'll most likely turn the whole thing into being your fault if you say anything.
gopher Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I would go NC cold turkey and let that be a lesson to him. Because it will bother him and you don't owe him anything more. I know it would be hard, but a clean break would probably be best for you as well.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 I am considering logging off of his facebook account and checking his messages. Its been almost a week already and I have all the informations I wanted. I am only feeling more resentment and the urge to say something to him. I guess ill decide if I really want to or not.My friend thinks I should write something on his wall out of spite one last time and end it. But thats not my character.
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 only you are responsible for making the ultimate decision. Let me pose something to you though. You've mentioned your friend a few times. The one whose given you the advice to confront "out of spite". Everyone has different motivations for the advice they dispense. Be careful try and distinguish negativity vs pragmatism. Try to identify this friend's motivation for her advice to spite this guy. Does she have any baggage of her own that might be contributing to this advice? Kind of a Living Vicariously thru you sort of thing? Personally, I think her advice isn't very wise. But what are my motivations? I'll tell you. I've been in situations where I've confronted issues (many times) and it has blown up in my face entirely and I've subsequently regretted ever saying a word. And I realize that my need for confrontation had nothing to do with wanted resolution but actually wanting acknowledgment. That in an of itself isn't necessarily bad but I've learned to weigh the possible outcomes vs the risk of confrontation. Sometimes it's just not worth it. If you must say something. I suggest waiting until he contacts you again. Say something like "listen, I'm going to be straight with you. I'm looking for a relationship and not dating anyone else at the moment. Are you?" Put him in a position to tell the truth or lie. If he lies, don't tell him what you know just take the lesson and go. If he says yes and offers full disclosure, then you can make a decision after having gathered the information honestly.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 yea I dont really take my friends comments , that much into consideration. She is just someone who I turn to when I wantto do devilish things. I guess the only thing for me to do is keep intertaining my self with his facebook messages. Thanks for the advice about my friend. Now, that I think about it, I think she is living her devilish ways through me.
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 No problem I am concerned about you saying that you're going to continue entertaining yourself with his facebook messages. You do realize that you are crossing some serious boundaries here right? That's a real invasion of privacy.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Nah, i dont think Im hurting anyone. im not going to do any foul play.
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 So I'm to assume then, that you'd have no problem with someone having your facebook password and going thru your mail? Or even better, you'd be fine if he knew about all your posts on LS about what you've been doing? Or someone going thru your mailbox and opening your letters for "entertainment" and sealing them back up unbeknownst to you? If it's not a problem, then just tell him you've been obsessively reading his facebook mail for days now. He shouldn't mind. Right?
2sure Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 As you have said you both are just exploring the possibility of a relationship. 2 visits is not that much , you are simply dating. Unless you have talked and decided your relationship is exclusive - full disclosure cannot be assumed. He is dating other people, not engaged or married ...he hasnt betrayed you. Unless he specifically tells you he isnt dating others, he hasnt even lied. BUT - if you want to be exclusive, you can tell him.
dreamergrl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I never made any assumptions. I knew when I first went to go see him that I was going out there as a friend and w were getting to know each other more. I wanted to ask a lot of questions but it was hard because his daughter was with us. If I confront him what would I say with out talking in code? I'm a little bothered by not only the fact that he's seeing someone else that "may be the one" while juggling you in there too, but that he's doing it front of his daughter. I personally think it would be confusing to the daughter having several females in dad's life. You never know how many other woman he is seeing.
Trialbyfire Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I agree with the comments about exclusivity, in that you haven't discussed this so technically, he's not cheating. But... He's sleeping with at least two women with no disclosure, thinking the other woman is the one and you are...what? As well, dreamergrl's reference to his daughter and the concerns surrounding her, which is a 40 foot red flag. What kind of man displays this type of slimey behaviour? Sounds like a cake eater to me. Do yourself a favour and don't bother doing anything to or with this guy anymore. He's not the type of man you want, if you want a solid relationship. If you consider his past behaviour, there was interest in you, WHILE he was still married. Something tells me he either already is or has got the makings of a serial cheater. He doesn't seem to care about anyone else's feelings, beyond his own.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 I guess I can understand that because we didn't disclose that we were exclusive that he isn't technically cheating, but I guess its more of a moral issue. I know I have never invited someone to fly in to see me and spend 4 day with me if we were just friends and that's it. I have taken a lot of you guys and gals comments to heart and acted on it. I have delted him from all my friends list, erased all conversations we've had, and this is a big one because Alecktra was getting on me about this one.. BUT I HAVE LOGGED OUT OF HIS FACEBOOK. AND STOPPED SNOOPING THROUGH HIS MESSAGES. He hasn't contacted me since last week so I guess he doesn't care. I don't think he knows exactly why I have befriended him, but just that I did. I was thinking of writing an email one last time explaining how I'm sorry for reading his messages and finding out the info that I did.
Trialbyfire Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 No, don't confess. He doesn't deserve knowing since he felt you didn't deserve to know that he found "the one". You have no further responsibility to him unless it really eats at you as a person, to not tell him. If you need to send a "kiss off" email, just tell him you know about the other girl and that you're not terribly impressed. Let him wonder how you found out. It might help to keep him a little more honest in the future, although I sincerely doubt it.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 No, don't confess. He doesn't deserve knowing since he felt you didn't deserve to know that he found "the one". You have no further responsibility to him unless it really eats at you as a person, to not tell him. If you need to send a "kiss off" email, just tell him you know about the other girl and that you're not terribly impressed. Let him wonder how you found out. It might help to keep him a little more honest in the future, although I sincerely doubt it. Thanks trial, I completely agree. I guess he's not even worthy of knowing why I am no longer talking to him.
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