alwayssme Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 SSG, I had a dream last night/this morning that I saw my ex, and instead of letting her walk by, I confronted her. "You know, you're really mean, and you hurt me very badly." What does she do in the dream but reverse the situation, saying that I was a terrible BF, and then she goes, "And you're ugly." The point in telling you this is that even in dreams, which are these supposed venues of fantasy and sublimity, telling someone off doesn't work. How she responded in that dream is pretty much how she'd respond in real life. And I woke up so convinced it was real that I checked my cell phone to see if I called her last night in my drunken state. Nothing you say to an ex can make you feel better, because their response (if you even get one) is going to put the blame back on you. If you're looking for closure (and oh boy, are you ever), you'll find it by devoting less and less time to this jerk, until you naturally don't think about him at all anymore. I completely agree...When it comes to getting "closure" or contacting an ex who left us, I have two opinions... 1) THEY should be the ones contacting us 2) we can contact them when we are completely over them & happy without them...when even the worst possible response wouldnt have any impact on us....
RogueAC Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 A friend forwarded me this article from MSN and I thought of this post. http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/bigger-picture/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=15958372 Did anything happen to trigger your current feelings or has this been ongoing? Also, what are you actively doing to cope? I always appreciate your opinion and posts. Your ex and my ex sound so very similar. As do our own actions and feelings in the relationships. It is uncanny, really. Like you, I loved my ex completely and shared so much with him. So many firsts – I had several serious (SERIOUS) relationships before him but this one was different—with him I was open, loving, willing, trusting from day one...so when the relationship ended I was hurt and bruised in ways that I had yet to experience. That is how I ended up on LS. Sometimes I feel like I read 100 posts a day. Lol. Seriously, I found so much information and some of these questions have really helped me. Maybe they might help you too? When you are at your lowest point – how old do you feel? Is there underlying relationship trauma? What did my ex help me believe about myself? What did my relationship give me permission to do? What do you gain by letting go? What do you lose by letting go? Why were you drawn to your ex? What are you missing? What action(s) can you take TODAY to move forward/feel better? Lately I find that when life is blah or I feel frustrated about work, the weather, whatever--I fixate on my ex and the breakup. It is easier to upset about that then deal with what is really wrong. I also go through the spiral of self-doubt and blame. Why did I choose to love some jerk? Why did I love someone who was so cold and emotionally unavailable? It sucks, I know. I guess hope that this breakup and the lessons herein, as much as they suck, will help better recognize what I want and need from a relationship. SSG, I’m sorry that you are still hurting.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Did anything happen to trigger your current feelings or has this been ongoing? Also, what are you actively doing to cope? I suspect some of this is hormonal because there's been a definite spike in my emotions in the last couple of days. Two triggers come to mind. (1) I saw thumbnail photos of my 2004 ex (not Eric) and his new baby on Facebook, and that set me back some. It had been so easy to imagine his marriage being crappy because he married a very dour woman. But he looked very happy and the baby was adorable. I think it made me feel like everyone around me is joining the "married...with kids" club and somehow I've been blacklisted. (2) I got very panicked when a good guy on match emailed me wanting to meet. I tried to close it down but he came back persistent and with a good response to my question which made me cry out of anxiety when I read it. (I posted this in the Dating section.) I don't want to get my hopes up again, only to be disappointed. I've had so much of that, not only in bona fide relationships but in the online dating world. It is an awful emotional roller coaster to think someone might be great, only to meet in person and have it be totally flat. That's why I had taken a time out from the dating scene in the first place. What am I actively doing? Lots of yoga. Voice lessons. Book club. Cooking. Hired an organizational coach. Writing an article for work. Forging a few new friendships. Even so, I have huge yawning gaps of time alone every day. Too much time. Friends are busy and it's hard to coordinate. It's cold out so I prefer staying home. Work is slow so I don't have a lot of projects to pursue. You get the picture. [ETA: lots of counseling, too, to figure out my patterns and stop picking the same kind of man.] In short, I am soooooo fcvking lonely. So tired of shoveling my own driveway, taking out my own trash, changing my own headlights and refilling wiper fluid. I am capable of almost anything, but I'm tired of having to do it all. For all of his faults, Eric did those things. It was wonderful to be taken care of, to have someone to lean on. Even though he was emotionally void, he did fill those roles. I always appreciate your opinion and posts. Thanks, Rogue. That means a lot. When you are at your lowest point – how old do you feel? Is there underlying relationship trauma? How old do I feel? Emotionally I feel like a shriveled up old woman even if I look and physically feel like a 25 year old. My underlying r'ship drama is that I keep picking unavailable men and I graft onto them qualities I want them to have, setting myself up for tremendous disappointment. What did my ex help me believe about myself? That I was sexy and desirable and capable. He always believed in me, never once thought I couldn't do some thing I set out to do. What did my relationship give me permission to do? Be sexual for the first time in an adult relationship. What do you gain by letting go? An ability to move forward and let someone better into my life. What do you lose by letting go? I lose the image I had of him. And the year and a half of my life that I was with him. If I stop thinking about it, it seems like it will cease to have been. Why were you drawn to your ex? What are you missing? He was so smart, smarter than me on intellectual things. He was physically strong and agile. He had this "solidity" to him, this strong silent type of presence that just felt like home, felt safe. The chemistry was off the charts and for the first time in my life I gave myself permission to respond fully to it, and him. I miss the companionship. No matter how crappy our communication was, we had established a life and lifestyle together that I loved. What action(s) can you take TODAY to move forward/feel better? Trying to work that out. Maybe I need to force myself to make even more plans and not be alone, like, ever. Lately I find that when life is blah or I feel frustrated about work, the weather, whatever--I fixate on my ex and the breakup. It is easier to upset about that then deal with what is really wrong. I also go through the spiral of self-doubt and blame. Why did I choose to love some jerk? Why did I love someone who was so cold and emotionally unavailable? It sucks, I know. I guess hope that this breakup and the lessons herein, as much as they suck, will help better recognize what I want and need from a relationship. Yes, maybe there is some of that going on for me too. Life IS very blah right now - I can't foresee anything happening in 2009 to spice it up. So it's making me wistful for better times, which right now still center around when he and I were together. SSG, I’m sorry that you are still hurting. Thanks.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 I scheduled an emergency session w/ my counselor because of all of this stuff. Her overall take on things? I am being very hard on myself for expecting to be done grieving by now. This was my first sexual relationship, and the first one in which we were actively talking about a future together. Those are pretty emotionally intense things and she's not surprised that I am where I am emotionally... she thinks it would be perfectly normal for me to take 1-2 years to fully recover. I don't feel like I have 1-2 years to spare, but my assignment is to stop judging myself for not yet being over him.
kizik Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Her overall take on things? I am being very hard on myself for expecting to be done grieving by now. YES - relax and be nice to yourself. Our self-image is sometimes all we have, and it's important to keep it positive. Good therapist - she's a keeper.
Blessings Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I scheduled an emergency session w/ my counselor because of all of this stuff. Her overall take on things? I am being very hard on myself for expecting to be done grieving by now. This was my first sexual relationship, and the first one in which we were actively talking about a future together. Those are pretty emotionally intense things and she's not surprised that I am where I am emotionally... she thinks it would be perfectly normal for me to take 1-2 years to fully recover. I don't feel like I have 1-2 years to spare, but my assignment is to stop judging myself for not yet being over him. I need a therapist...
Zapbasket Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Our self-image is sometimes all we have, and it's important to keep it positive. Kizik, that is absolutely brilliant. I copied it into my journal. It reminds me of what one of my personal heroes said to me once when I was being really hard on myself: "At any given moment, we are all doing more than the best we can to achieve our potential." Meaning, where we are is where we should be--and as you say, it's very un-self-loving to demand that you be somewhere else. Good therapist - she's a keeper. I agree. SSG, I've been wondering how you are. I don't really have anything to add to the wonderful stuff others have said, but I just wanted to chime in with some support. ((((((hugs))))))
RogueAC Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Sunshinegirl, You wrote some very heartfelt and candid things on these posts. Thank you for sharing with us. Good that you are taking active steps and talking with your therapist. Hugs to you. We are thinking of you!
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I so totally understand how you're feeling. I'm 18 months out and still cry over him at least every few days, and dream about him almost every night. I will NEVER go after anyone again after this humiliation. I'm so sorry you still feel this way, but if it helps, I'm even more pathetic than you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 ssg, if you're seeing a therapist, it's best not to disturb that connection. Your therapist will know far more about you as a person, than we can ever know on LS. Good luck!
Ingenue Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 SSG, *hugs* What I'm about to say is my opinion only. In no way should you perceive this as advice because I'm the last person to give advice given my emotional idiocy. Both you and I dated science guys and we got hurt. Your break up date preceded mine by about a month. I was with my guy for 5 years and he dumped me via email. You know my story. For 5 months I stuck to NC, unwavering, completely convinced that NC was the only way that I could regain my sense of self. I felt strong. I felt healed, despite the occasional setback. Somewhere just past the 5 month mark, I decided to speak to my ex because I felt that I was strong enough to do so. I was blown away, emotionally crippled again from our 3 hour conversation. I realised he wasn't remorseful for how he had ended things, but more remorseful that the consequence was that we weren't friends. In a subsequent conversation he apologised for his deplorable behaviour but also admitted that a week after dumping me, he was already out and about with his new lady friend. He told me he loved me blah blah. I felt betrayed and I remember calling my friends as I was reduced to tears, unable to fathom how after 5 months, I was back to square one. I cried all day that day. A week later, I spoke to my ex again, for 5 or 6 hours. I got everything off my chest, everything. I told him what a douche he was, how deplorably he treated me and that if he should take anything from this past relationship, it should be to treat people with more respect. After that conversation, I made up my mind that I needed to fully and completely let go. I wasn't going to heal by maintaining NC. It didn't work for me. Five months in, I was the same. I didn't need to tell him what a lousy douce he was anymore. I needed to forgive him because I realised that if I did not forgive him, I would continue to hold onto this shard of a past relationship that would tear me up inside. So, I forgave him. I told I forgave him. I told him that I wasn't doing it for him. I wasn't doing it to preserve a friendship. I was doing it because I needed to do it for me and only me to move on and heal myself. It's not the approach that most would advocate, but it's the approach that worked for me. When I forgave my ex, I let it all go. In that instant and subsequent to that, it didn't matter what he had said or done or didn't do. It was over. It was in the past, an old chapter of my life. I look back on it wistfully but I don't have that anger or sadness anymore. I just let it all go and I felt liberated, my shoulders light. Sometimes we have to take a step back to take the ultimate step forward. In a few days, it'll be 7 months since my 5 year relationship died. The past is written as it is, I cannot change that. I can only move my future in the way that it deserves to be lived, without regret and without the spectre of sadness and longing for something that perhaps was never meant to be looming over me. I'm dating a new guy and seeing other people. I don't know where my life will end up. I do know that letting go, truly letting go has been the only thing that has helped me. Good luck SSG. You'll get through this. We all will.
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