sunshinegirl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 It's 8+ months post breakup and I can still get choked up and teary-eyed at the least provocation. My god, this is just terrible. No matter how clear I am cognitively that he wasn't right for me, and I had my own doubts, I wouldn't have been happy long-term, and that he was a giant douche bag, some part of me remains stuck on his cheating and lack of remorse. That wound is so deep that I can't seem to cover it up and move on. Half of me thinks that if he would apologize, genuinely, I would be able to put this all behind me. I know this is giving him more power than he deserves, but there it is. It's really holding me back. Among other things, I am terrified to put myself back out there again - I simply don't want to be vulnerable to someone again, someone else who is going to let me down and hurt me the way he did. And I just have a lot of memories bound up in that relationship - a lot of firsts with him and a strangely misplaced confidence that we were going to last. Is this another situation where time just has to do its healing thing, or is there something I can do to actively get past this hurdle?
ioncebelieved Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Wish I had the answers you seek!!! I am about at the same time frame as you and still right where you are. It makes you mad that you just cannot shake that feeling. I know all about that. I guess it is just that way when you love someone. Better days are indeed ahead for us both sunshine!!! This hug is for you!
LostLamb Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'm starting to think that the best way to get over a break up is to find new person straight away. My ex waited 2 weeks and will probably end up marrying her. I wish I could fall for someone so quickly. Unfortunately , it is the last thing I feel like doing. A virtual hug for you ((((hug)))
EmperorR Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Ah I know the feeling 5 Months memories still there. Still wondering after three years she cheated and didn't have the audacity to tell it to me to my face. No remorse, no apology not even a care in the world for me. I hope this weekend changes it for Me I deserve it.
Goalseeker Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I too was cheated on with no remorse from my partner of four years. I found some solice by getting rid of our history - sounds dramatic, but every memory ended with my partner cheating so I had to get rid of everything. It helped a little, especially since I was no longer trying to place a value on our time together - I did my best, and thats it. As far a starting again, i'm scared too. I go out on a date and all I can think of is how to avoid being lied to again. The kicker is - I still try, and hope that one day I will meet someone who pleases my heart, and fills me with confidence. It has happened before, and I believe it will happen for you too. You will run into someone who values ans respects you.
kizik Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 It's 8+ months post breakup and I can still get choked up and teary-eyed at the least provocation. My god, this is just terrible. No matter how clear I am cognitively that he wasn't right for me, and I had my own doubts, I wouldn't have been happy long-term, and that he was a giant douche bag, some part of me remains stuck on his cheating and lack of remorse. That wound is so deep that I can't seem to cover it up and move on. Half of me thinks that if he would apologize, genuinely, I would be able to put this all behind me. I know this is giving him more power than he deserves, but there it is. It's really holding me back. Among other things, I am terrified to put myself back out there again - I simply don't want to be vulnerable to someone again, someone else who is going to let me down and hurt me the way he did. And I just have a lot of memories bound up in that relationship - a lot of firsts with him and a strangely misplaced confidence that we were going to last. Is this another situation where time just has to do its healing thing, or is there something I can do to actively get past this hurdle? You're someone I know well. I'm going to honestly say that I wish you were a bit further along than you are now. SSG, as someone who shares your breakup date to the very day, I'll tell you how I feel, and what I think about (and don't think about) all the time. First of all, provocations suck. Unfortunately, they're everywhere. Everything one sees and does could potentially remind him of his ex. I just wish these reminders didn't affect you to the point of tears. Apologies - why do you need one from him? You should forgive yourself, but not for being in love with him. In fact, you have nothing to feel bad about, or forgive yourself for. Look, I just read something Edgar Allan Poe said about the "human thirst for self-torture"-- that sounds like you all over. You don't need anything from an ex to be happy. You ask if time will take care of it, or if you have to jump these hurdles yourself. Both. And you certainly aren't helping yourself by letting your mind drift to him. Once again, I advocate thought replacement (someone can tell me to shut the f*ck up whenever they want to). But mostly your problem is that for some reason, you feel guilty. Or maybe I'm wrong?
Doofus Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 It seems redundant to tell you that I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am also the type of person that remembers the last woman I dated and it upsets me - until I find someone else. Sometimes it takes someone else to break the cycle. Soon enough you will find someone (or they will find you) and you won't think of your ex. Anyway, I really feel for you and wish you the best.
Blessings Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 it hasnt been that long for me but i feel the same way
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 NC is not working for you. Have you considered something drastic? Breaking NC and getting all of this off your chest?
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Wow...that would certainly be drastic. I don't know what I would say. "Hi, I'm pathetic and can't move on because of what you did." "Hi - thanks to you, I push away every man that tries to get close. Can you help me stop doing that?" It feels wrong that I think I still want or need something from him that he almost certainly can't--or won't--give me. Closure comes from within, isn't that the argument? Despite being all messed up, I still have (some) pride. Don't like the idea of crawling back to him wanting something, especially when what I am likely to see is him living a happy life without me. I dunno, TBF, would you do such a thing in my shoes? What would YOU say or ask?
Blessings Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Wow...that would certainly be drastic. I don't know what I would say. "Hi, I'm pathetic and can't move on because of what you did." "Hi - thanks to you, I push away every man that tries to get close. Can you help me stop doing that?" It feels wrong that I think I still want or need something from him that he almost certainly can't--or won't--give me. Closure comes from within, isn't that the argument? Despite being all messed up, I still have (some) pride. Don't like the idea of crawling back to him wanting something, especially when what I am likely to see is him living a happy life without me. I dunno, TBF, would you do such a thing in my shoes? What would YOU say or ask? Ahh!! I could have written that myself...I am in the same situation as you and I don't even dare to call him...I feel like what can he possibly say to make this better? Even if he truly apologized...would it make him come back? No. Would it take away the pain? No. Sure it would be nice to hear a sincere apology that he means...but if he truly was that sorry, he would call himself...I mean what am I supposed to say? "Hi. I know your life is going on fine without me as you made that more than clear to me but I am still stuck on you and cant seem to get past the pain you caused me. Thank you for fu*king up my life! Now would you please apologize?" Personally I wouldn't call "expecting" an apology...I have too much pride to go down that road again...although I'm really hurting still.
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 "You really hurt me with your cheating. It took a big piece out of my heart and my ability to trust. How could you do this to someone you purported to care about? Are you really so selfish that you couldn't have broken up with me beforehand? Instead you led me on, continuing the masquerade of a relationship, while you banged the office chippy on the desk. I hope you realize how low you've stooped. If you think I have any respect for you what-so-ever, guess again. You're lower than dirt. Anyways, had to get that off my chest. Have a nice life with your office chippy. Life is karmic. You'll get it back one day in spades. Oh hang on, you got yours first. Now I know why your wife cheated on you. Latah!"
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 You're someone I know well. I'm going to honestly say that I wish you were a bit further along than you are now. SSG, as someone who shares your breakup date to the very day, I'll tell you how I feel, and what I think about (and don't think about) all the time. First of all, provocations suck. Unfortunately, they're everywhere. Everything one sees and does could potentially remind him of his ex. I just wish these reminders didn't affect you to the point of tears. Apologies - why do you need one from him? You should forgive yourself, but not for being in love with him. In fact, you have nothing to feel bad about, or forgive yourself for. Look, I just read something Edgar Allan Poe said about the "human thirst for self-torture"-- that sounds like you all over. You don't need anything from an ex to be happy. You ask if time will take care of it, or if you have to jump these hurdles yourself. Both. And you certainly aren't helping yourself by letting your mind drift to him. Once again, I advocate thought replacement (someone can tell me to shut the f*ck up whenever they want to). But mostly your problem is that for some reason, you feel guilty. Or maybe I'm wrong? Kiz, I wish I was further along too. I've never been this stuck for this long, even with my two previous, and more devastating, breakups. Maybe it's the cumulative effect of so much heartache in what feels like such a short period of time - 5 breakups total since 2002 (feels like I've been in recovery mode as long as I've been in relationships). Maybe I'm just tired - not as sure anymore that I can love like I've never been hurt - maybe the latest hurt was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know if what I feel is guilt. I know I feel stupid for letting myself fall in love with someone who never indicated that he could give me what I want and who was a bad risk from the get-go. In a way I brought this on myself, maybe that's the guilt angle. I don't know.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 TBF, I said most of those things back in May. Here was my kiss-off letter - it's kind of good to read it again, though I wish it could magically erase all of this residual emotional crud: Eric: I have never felt such rage and hatred for a person as I feel toward you right now. Honestly, this is a completely new range of emotions I've never experienced. I am astonished at your lack of remorse for what you've done. "I could say I'm sorry 10 times and it wouldn't change what's happened"? "That's just how life goes" and "we were going to break up anyway"? Is this really how you are justifying this to yourself, shrugging it all off? How does that excuse lying to my face, and actively pursuing another woman while we were still together? You don't have to be in love with a person to know that they deserve to be treated with respect and care. Where is your moral compass? The right thing to do would have been to break up with me before letting anything go down with "office hooch." If you had, I would have had an entirely different set of feelings about our relationship. I would have been disappointed, but I would have been able to ultimately preserve some sense of nostalgia and goodness about our time together. Instead, you explicitly lied to me. You tried to convince me that everyone was on the up and up, that "nothing had happened yet" with her, and that you were being the stand-up, honest guy by breaking up with me before you cheated. I believe on the phone two weeks ago, you even agreed not to see her until you sorted yourself out in therapy. Yet you kissed her who knows how many times while we were together, and screwed her not 24 hours after we broke up. I don't think your XW had had sex with her OM by the time you found out…did that somehow make it "not cheating"? You need to face the unvarnished truth that you are a cheater. You cheated. You betrayed me. And to think, the day we broke up, I felt compassion for you and assured you that I would never do to you what XW did to you. My god! If I had only known that you had just done to me exactly what she did to you. Is this your idea of paying the universe back for having been hurt yourself? Because of your amazing capacity to compartmentalize things, I know you will most likely file this away as water under the bridge, as an "oh well, just another relationship that didn't work out." You will most likely delete this message, so you can forget me, forget us, and put this all behind you. So my hope for you is this: that every time you make fried goat cheese balls; every time you use your mortar & pestle; every time you contemplate renovating your kitchen; and every time you see [our mutual friends]…that you are reminded of how you betrayed me and polluted every good memory I had of our time together. It is fundamentally unfair that you get to waltz forward into a happy new life while I am left with bitter memories of having given my virginity to a lying, cheater of a man. It kills me that no one else in your life will know what you've done. Your parents, your colleagues... all the people in your life that I got to know and liked so much (and who liked me), will all continue to think of you as that stand-up guy who caught a tough break when his wife cheated on him. DD will never know that her daddy was so hurtful to someone he purported to care about. I can only hope that there is a crack somewhere in your emotional armor, and that when you are alone with yourself that your selfish and cruel behavior disgusts even you. I gave you the best of me, and I trusted and respected you up until the very end. You? By cheating on me, you made a fool of me, and a mockery of us. I never thought I would say these words, because I fundamentally believed in you, but: it turns out that you actually, truly didn't deserve my unwavering devotion and love. I thought you did – I thought I loved someone who loved me back and who respected me as much as I respected him. To be so wrong is an incredibly bitter pill to swallow. SSG
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 It's a good kiss-off letter. You forgot a few "FU dickhead"s. If you decide to break NC, you could always resend the same letter and add an addendum like: "Just so you know, my feelings haven't changed, 8 months later. I still think of you as a dickhead."
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Maybe I should start sending it to him every 6-12 months, and promise that I'll stop whenever he offers a genuine, heartfelt apology for what he did... and/or provides credible evidence that his life has gone down the crapper with little hope of recovery!
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Hey, that might work! Better yet, unscheduled, so he doesn't know when to expect it, so he can dread it. Hmmm...first one, wait three months, next one, wait 1 month, next one, etc. Random can be effective! Do you have more than one email address of his? If so, even better.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I would contact him. I was hung up on this guy over the summer because I still felt confused about why he had rejected me. Finally sent him a message asking him for the honest reason a couple of months ago. While his response was a bit vaguer than I had hoped, it still gave me some closure and relief. Somehow that anxiety lifted. I still think about him, but not with the same urgency and feeling of dread I did before. It feels settled now. NC doesn't work for everybody.
jc Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Hi Sunshine Girl, I'm feeling similarly to you...My ex did not cheat on me, but he did break things off in a pretty horrible way (especially after he 'accidentally' got back together with me, claiming to have been drunk, but then decided not to tell me the next morning and then did not contact me at all for 5 days. Turns out he felt "too bad" to tell me that he did not want to get back together with me. So he didn't tell me. My last contact with him was him telling me all of this and then trying to convince me to have sex with him while I was crying my eyes out. When I said no, he asked if I could "just suck him off then". Total jerk.) So anyways, what I mean to say is that we are both aware that our ex's did not treat us well, that we probably would not have been happy with them in the long run and they just really don't deserve us. Really, we should feel lucky to have them out of our lives, right? Yet we're both struggling with a lot of grief. I almost think that one of the things that I'm stuck on is something you mentioned: guilt. Guilt towards myself that I didn't love myself enough or respect my dreams enough to choose someone better for myself. You said that he never indicated that he could give you what you want, but still went ahead and fell for him. My guy was a bit more deceptive - he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, even went as far as emailing me pictures of engagement rings a month before the break up. But like you, I ignored some initial warning signs and let myself be swept up by him. So maybe part of what you need to do to move on is to forgive yourself for choosing someone who wasn't good enough for you in the first place. And then really try to learn to love yourself (if you don't already that is, I'm speaking for myself at this point). Also like you, I've went through quite a few break ups in the past 5 years. Except all of mine (probably about 8 in total) were with the same guy. Together for 2 years, on and off for 3 more. Pretty much in the end I didn't respect or love myself at all, I just kept going back for more. So at least I loved myself more than that this time! It was all completely over in 4 weeks and I only went back once this time:o And there's no going back from here. Anyways, take care of yourself, jc
Trialbyfire Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 ssg, you know I was kidding about the responses...well...except the first one. I wasn't kidding about breaking NC. If you need to do it, do it. If you need to bleed something out of you, do it. Don't forget that I was also cheated on. It took a lot of bleeding out, full out rage (no, no screaming, swearing, shouting or physical violence) on both my ex-H and the OW, to take back what was mine. After that, I could in two stages, slowly forgive him for his issues and myself, for my own "stupidity", in trusting him to begin with.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Sunshine, did you ever send him that kiss-off letter? I think it's good, but don't expect a response from him because it's not the kind of letter he'll respond to.
kizik Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I would contact him. I was hung up on this guy over the summer because I still felt confused about why he had rejected me. Finally sent him a message asking him for the honest reason a couple of months ago. While his response was a bit vaguer than I had hoped, it still gave me some closure and relief. Somehow that anxiety lifted. I still think about him, but not with the same urgency and feeling of dread I did before. It feels settled now. NC doesn't work for everybody. Yeeeeah... don't do that. You can never overestimate the grief contacting an ex can potentially give you. SSG, don't do what shadowplay advises you to - and no disrespect to her. But making yourself vulnerable to an ex when you are not yet healed (as you self-admittedly are not) is a bad idea. For now, I'd deal with the day to day and focus on loving your own self, whether or not someone else does. -k
MindoverMatter Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I am still struggling with a break-up as well. Or not the break-up but putting the guy completely behind me. There are no feelings left, neither good nor bad, but there is still some work to be done in terms of acceptance and understanding. Our relationship wasn't healthy, in fact it bordered on being abusive, but he was my first and therefore still is my reference point. I don't know how I am in relationships and in intimate situations that are not with him. I don't know if what happened (infidelity) will happen again, if some of the bad parts were my fault. I can't know it. I did ask my ex and he never offered the truth. Can't change that. Like you, I am afraid to get close to somebody again. There is a mistrust here...and the point is: I am mistrusting myself. My judgement, my behaviour, my own conduct and my, yes, my own self worth to a certain degree. The point is, that my ex could never help me with this, because he is not capable of understanding the feelings of other people. And, I believe, neither is your ex. Or else he wouldn't have cheated. If there is anger left, let it out. Yell at him. Send him that letter again and again. Put a bag of burning dog poo on his doorstep and hide behind the corner. But if it's not about anger, but insecurity, and a lack of trust in your own self and abilities then you'll need to deal with it yourself. Trust yourself again. It's okay to still think of some of the things you did together and to feel bad. He was your first in some things. He is part of your history. But history that is long gone. Make new memories. Slowly. And don't pressure yourself. ((hugs))
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks, everyone. MindoverMatter and JC, Blessings, Doofus, Goalseeker, EmporeR, Lostlamb, ioncebelieved - it helps to know I'm not the only person going through this. I look forward to better days for all of us. As to breaking NC: I don't think I can contact him without feeling 4000 times worse afterwards. There is nothing new he can tell me, no (forced) apology that will help me shut the door, nothing. Yelling at him wouldn't help anything. I said what I wanted to in the kiss-off letter (yes, I sent it Shadowplay) (and no, he didn't reply to it). The only kind of apology that would help is one that is unprompted, unscripted, and from the heart. I have good reason to believe he isn't capable of that. TBF: at some point it seems like your xH was remorseful - or at minimum, he claims to still love you and wants to get back together, right? I would never get that kind of satisfaction from Eric. Maybe it does come back to guilt, or anger at myself for not protecting myself more and for still forging ahead emotionally when there were some signs he wasn't on the same page (amongst other signs that indicated that he was). Or maybe this is all wrapped up in overall life ennui. I just wrote a big long paragraph about how other parts of my life aren't quite lining up, but it read as a big "poor me" whine and an attitude I don't want to feed. I just feel surprised that this is hanging on so long. In every past breakup, I've been able to date again by this point. Cheating sure is a bitch; I wish I could find a way to reframe it as just a painful way to have regained my freedom.
kizik Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 SSG, I had a dream last night/this morning that I saw my ex, and instead of letting her walk by, I confronted her. "You know, you're really mean, and you hurt me very badly." What does she do in the dream but reverse the situation, saying that I was a terrible BF, and then she goes, "And you're ugly." The point in telling you this is that even in dreams, which are these supposed venues of fantasy and sublimity, telling someone off doesn't work. How she responded in that dream is pretty much how she'd respond in real life. And I woke up so convinced it was real that I checked my cell phone to see if I called her last night in my drunken state. Nothing you say to an ex can make you feel better, because their response (if you even get one) is going to put the blame back on you. If you're looking for closure (and oh boy, are you ever), you'll find it by devoting less and less time to this jerk, until you naturally don't think about him at all anymore.
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