How does a 3.5 year relationship end up in the friend zone?

January 13, 2009

Yeah thats what she said as she was breaking up with me.

She loves me as a friend, as a brother, she never had that passionate feeling of 'crazy love'

I guess you could say I thought I was kinda bowling out of my league since the beginning, this girl was extremely attractive. Although she would always say she thought we both were about the same.

I wasn't being a passive guy either, I went in there for the first kiss, make out session, and always wanted to have sex. I mean hell, I would just come over to her house at night wanting to bang then leave.

I even did a ton of ******* type stuff that I'm not necessarily proud of, for instance:

- I would never let her rent a movie she wanted to see, no way was i sitting through gay romantic comedies

- I didn't really compliment her all that often, even when she got dressed up and whatnot

- I really wasn't that romantic at all, hell I didn't even get her anything for V-Day last year

- A lot of the time I was being selfish, making her feel bad when I wanted to have sex and she was tired, or overreacting about things when we would take trips together

On the flip side of this however, I had to put up with a lot of her ****. She was a sheltered girl, extremely family oriented, and didn't have many friends.

Some things about her would be:

-she once told me she wanted me to watch "The Notebook" to get ideas from it

-She was shocked that I looked at porn and would rub ones out to other women

-she actually used to tell me that when I propose to her to her if it isn't absolutely magical and perfect she would say no

-she was afraid to show me her house at the beginning because it was still looking ****ty and fixed up, and i always had to pick her up at her sisters house, and when i finally DID go into her house i had to close my eyes till i got to her room

-She had a spiritual thing going on, for instance when she was debating on what to do during our 'break', she said she asked God for a sign.....then she said she was reading a Jessica Simpson article in a magazine and her saying how it didn't work out with Nick and others because she used to date guys she wanted to 'change', and then applied this to what was happening to us.....and used this as her sign from God

When we would have arguments and I got pissed off and just wanted to leave...I would always come back and resolve them right away, I almost felt like if I didn't, she would just break up with me. She was extremely stubborn and I never tested if she would actually call back after a fight, it was always me trying to patch things up.

Occasionally she would get feelings of doubt about us being meant for each other, they either revolved around her not feeling 'crazy' about me, her only being young and pretty once in her life and not experiencing everything, or her pissed off about her career and not getting anywhere in it.

I would actually pry these feelings out of her and she would tell me about them, I almost was calming her and reassuring her of things. And then things would go back to normal. I had to do this probably 4-5 times during our relationship.

January 13, 2009

Here's how you ended up in the friend zone:

I even did a ton of ******* type stuff that I'm not necessarily proud of, for instance:

- I would never let her rent a movie she wanted to see, no way was i sitting through gay romantic comedies

- I didn't really compliment her all that often, even when she got dressed up and whatnot

- I really wasn't that romantic at all, hell I didn't even get her anything for V-Day last year

- A lot of the time I was being selfish, making her feel bad when I wanted to have sex and she was tired, or overreacting about things when we would take trips together

She seems to have her own issues, but that is for her to work out. The question for you now is what do you want to happen here and are you prepared to make a lot of changes yourself?

January 13, 2009

The bad things you did in the relationship sound like everything my boyfriend is doing to me now. The two things that I think make her seem psycho are the situation with proposing and not showing you her house. Regarding the proposing, I don't know if she really would have said no. She was probably just trying to make you realize that to her it was a very big deal and she wanted something special out of you. Seeing as how you got her nothing for Valentines Day she saw you weren't very romantic and wanted to make sure that when you proposed you did something sweet and memorable. The making you close your eyes things shows that she is very concerned with materials and the way things look. When I hear that I picture a very preppy and plastic like girl. I think that was too much and makes her seem insecure.

In any case, she was probably over the relationship before you were. I can see where it may get into the friend zone. I just spent Christmas break with my boyfriend-- three weeks straight around eachother. It got to a point toward the end where we just hungout all the time playing games, watching movies and whatnot-- it didn't seem like a couple but more like a couple of friends. Maybe you two were around eachother too much? That seems to kill the romance sometimes.

January 13, 2009

Here's how you ended up in the friend zone:

She seems to have her own issues, but that is for her to work out. The question for you now is what do you want to happen here and are you prepared to make a lot of changes yourself?

yes, I completely realized all of my faults and I even expressed them to her

she even said I could have a second chance, but it didn't end up working out

I think me trying solve all of her problems by having those 'talks', was another reason for this, I should of just let her speak her mind and just listened to her...instead of trying to come up with solutions

January 13, 2009

In any case, she was probably over the relationship before you were. I can see where it may get into the friend zone. I just spent Christmas break with my boyfriend-- three weeks straight around eachother. It got to a point toward the end where we just hungout all the time playing games, watching movies and whatnot-- it didn't seem like a couple but more like a couple of friends. Maybe you two were around eachother too much? That seems to kill the romance sometimes.

This is correct, at the beginning of the relationship we saw each other like every other day, which was great.

It turned out she only lives literally 3 minutes from my house!

She wanted to see me EVERY night, and we kind of slipped into a routine of me coming over after I was done with classes kind of late.....her being in the shower when I came over, then her just wanting me to hold her as she fell asleep. It was almost like I was her teddy bear.

January 13, 2009

This is correct, at the beginning of the relationship we saw each other like every other day, which was great.

It turned out she only lives literally 3 minutes from my house!

She wanted to see me EVERY night, and we kind of slipped into a routine of me coming over after I was done with classes kind of late.....her being in the shower when I came over, then her just wanting me to hold her as she fell asleep. It was almost like I was her teddy bear.

That is how it is getting to be with my boyfriend. We are together 4-5 nights a week. This is better than the 7, but I would rather have 3 or maybe 4. I have no time to miss him and to want him. In the beginning, I stayed and took summer classes and he was back at home. I only got to see him on weekends but I looked forward to them quite a bit and we were in eachother's arms the minute he got there Friday. Now that he is always around it gets old and we're more like friends in a lot of aspects. I can see how she wanted that spice back in that you may of had in the beginning. It's hard the longer you're with someone to keep it fresh.

January 13, 2009

That is how it is getting to be with my boyfriend. We are together 4-5 nights a week. This is better than the 7, but I would rather have 3 or maybe 4. I have no time to miss him and to want him. In the beginning, I stayed and took summer classes and he was back at home. I only got to see him on weekends but I looked forward to them quite a bit and we were in eachother's arms the minute he got there Friday. Now that he is always around it gets old and we're more like friends in a lot of aspects. I can see how she wanted that spice back in that you may of had in the beginning. It's hard the longer you're with someone to keep it fresh.

Yea I think we kind of secluded ourselves from the outside world, she would go out with her sister or friends only a couple times a year, and my social circle was shrinking as well.

I'm not sure if I could of even cut the contact down if I tried, I remember her once saying she has a 'right' to see her boyfriend every night LOL

January 13, 2009

Red flags galore. I am not a professional, but here is my spin on this:

"the notebook"

Any person who thinks movies have become the end all be all of relationships is off their hat. Real life is not like a movie. We are not supposed to "fight for our love". It doesn't happen like that. Attraction is chemical. Right around 2-3 years the chemicals in our brain released by romance start to drop. Love is about a connection and BEING FRIENDS with your lover so when these chemicals drop off, there is something there to keep it going. Many people just don't get this. Those that do? those are the ones who are celebrating 50 year wedding anniversaries.

odds are she has no idea that this is true. Odds are she wants to live her life like a movie. This is not good.

The "romantic proposal" seems to back this up, in my opinion. Proposals are supposed to be romantic and are by the very nature of them. Even handing someone a ring and saying "should we do it?" is romantic. Proposals are romantic. Expecting a "movie" proposal is a bit much. Telling someone that you demand it is excessive, telling someone you would refuse if it was not perfect is...well.....

"Sheltered"

A sheltered person likely has little social interaction with the opposite sex and as a result their ideas of social interaction with the opposite sex are based on their family and friends' interactions and what they see in movies and on TV. If their family and friends tell them things should be like this they take that as gospel. Your relationship with her is not like her mom/dads or her sisters/sisters bf or her best friend/best friends bf. If she is looking for that in life. Red flag. She needs to find out who she is and what she wants not what others around her want.

This also leads to the "movie" and "perfect proposal" demands. Someone who has not had a lot of social interaction with the opposite sex tends to idealize to things like books and movies. They are called fiction for a reason. They are not real.

The not wanting to have sex thing could also be a result of this. Many sheltered people see sex as dirty, especially when compared to a movie with candles burning and a nice musical accompaniment composed by a Hollywood musician.

To her, sex might have been bad because it did not live up to the ideal of what she thought sex should be. In her mind, it should be like a movie.

Not everyone likes pornography, and a sheltered person probably likes it even less. If sex is already "icky" pornography is probably disgusting to them.

"signs"

This is also very "movie". Signs? come on. A sign? Think about that. What rational person looks for "signs" to make a decision?

Her claim that she is only young and pretty once? Hmm. Well, maybe someone has been telling her she can do better. Lots of people think that the more attractive (physically) is all they want from life. I have friends like that. Guess what? they are all pushing 30 and single, and now they are complaining, trying to get back with exes of 5 years ago and realizing that the people in the dating pool aren't up to snuff. It's sounds like a maturity thing to me.

Romance is a two way street, you could have done more there. If she really does expect a "movie" life, then compliments and gifts are a part of it. Huge part of it. Heck, I'm not a romantic either, and maybe you aren't either. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to watch "Steel Magnolias" but there has to be some reciprocity. If you make her watch "Die Hard" a bf who cared would pick up the movie one day and watch it with her. If she looks for "signs" that would certainly be one that would have scored you tons of points.

Sounds to me like she wants you to chase her (a la a movie). I bet she will remain single. I bet she will take your calls but won't call you unless you call her. I bet she will talk to you like you are her best friend. I bet she expects you to try and sweep her off her feet. If she looks for "signs" it shouldn't be too hard to create one that will sweep her off her feet. It's immature, but then again this whole thing seems immature. I don't think she is over it at all. 3.5 years is a long time and given what you've said about her, I think that she wants to take some time and see what happens. See if the grass is greener and see what you do.

I also agree with the above that she seems insecure. Insecure people and being sheltered growing up go hand in hand with immaturity despite age. If she is over 23-24 years old (as in has graduated from college and is working) and still has stuffed animals sitting around on her bed...well...that speaks for itself.

How old is she? How old are you? Is this her second or third relationship?

Maybe she just needs to mature and realize life is really about finding someone who you can live with when the beauty fades.

Ask yourself, do you want to live life like it's a movie? Because here is the formula:

woman leaves man.

Man gets sad, does crazy things

woman starts to go out, move on with life, get a new bf, but still thinks about man

man learns the new man is a total chump who is taking advantage of the woman, enter the bad guy

man gets his act together

man reads womans mind and learns what she wants from him and life

man does these things in a grandiose and cinematic fashion.

woman is shocked to learn that she still feels for this man

reconciliation, happily ever after.

Just my opinion, I'm not a counselor or anything, but that is my take on this. Feel free to correct me if you think I am wrong.

January 13, 2009

I guess you could say I thought I was kinda bowling out of my league since the beginning, this girl was extremely attractive. Although she would always say she thought we both were about the same.

Did you actually indicate that you thought she was too good for you? The last sentence I quoted seems to indicate that...

Either way, insecurity can kill attraction.

January 13, 2009

Red flags galore. I am not a professional, but here is my spin on this:

"the notebook"
Any person who thinks movies have become the end all be all of relationships is off their hat. Real life is not like a movie. We are not supposed to "fight for our love". It doesn't happen like that. Attraction is chemical. Right around 2-3 years the chemicals in our brain released by romance start to drop. Love is about a connection and BEING FRIENDS with your lover so when these chemicals drop off, there is something there to keep it going. Many people just don't get this. Those that do? those are the ones who are celebrating 50 year wedding anniversaries.

odds are she has no idea that this is true. Odds are she wants to live her life like a movie. This is not good.

The "romantic proposal" seems to back this up, in my opinion. Proposals are supposed to be romantic and are by the very nature of them. Even handing someone a ring and saying "should we do it?" is romantic. Proposals are romantic. Expecting a "movie" proposal is a bit much. Telling someone that you demand it is excessive, telling someone you would refuse if it was not perfect is...well.....

"Sheltered"
A sheltered person likely has little social interaction with the opposite sex and as a result their ideas of social interaction with the opposite sex are based on their family and friends' interactions and what they see in movies and on TV. If their family and friends tell them things should be like this they take that as gospel. Your relationship with her is not like her mom/dads or her sisters/sisters bf or her best friend/best friends bf. If she is looking for that in life. Red flag. She needs to find out who she is and what she wants not what others around her want.

This also leads to the "movie" and "perfect proposal" demands. Someone who has not had a lot of social interaction with the opposite sex tends to idealize to things like books and movies. They are called fiction for a reason. They are not real.

The not wanting to have sex thing could also be a result of this. Many sheltered people see sex as dirty, especially when compared to a movie with candles burning and a nice musical accompaniment composed by a Hollywood musician.

To her, sex might have been bad because it did not live up to the ideal of what she thought sex should be. In her mind, it should be like a movie.

Not everyone likes pornography, and a sheltered person probably likes it even less. If sex is already "icky" pornography is probably disgusting to them.

"signs"

This is also very "movie". Signs? come on. A sign? Think about that. What rational person looks for "signs" to make a decision?

Her claim that she is only young and pretty once? Hmm. Well, maybe someone has been telling her she can do better. Lots of people think that the more attractive (physically) is all they want from life. I have friends like that. Guess what? they are all pushing 30 and single, and now they are complaining, trying to get back with exes of 5 years ago and realizing that the people in the dating pool aren't up to snuff. It's sounds like a maturity thing to me.

Romance is a two way street, you could have done more there. If she really does expect a "movie" life, then compliments and gifts are a part of it. Huge part of it. Heck, I'm not a romantic either, and maybe you aren't either. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to watch "Steel Magnolias" but there has to be some reciprocity. If you make her watch "Die Hard" a bf who cared would pick up the movie one day and watch it with her. If she looks for "signs" that would certainly be one that would have scored you tons of points.

Sounds to me like she wants you to chase her (a la a movie). I bet she will remain single. I bet she will take your calls but won't call you unless you call her. I bet she will talk to you like you are her best friend. I bet she expects you to try and sweep her off her feet. If she looks for "signs" it shouldn't be too hard to create one that will sweep her off her feet. It's immature, but then again this whole thing seems immature. I don't think she is over it at all. 3.5 years is a long time and given what you've said about her, I think that she wants to take some time and see what happens. See if the grass is greener and see what you do.

I also agree with the above that she seems insecure. Insecure people and being sheltered growing up go hand in hand with immaturity despite age. If she is over 23-24 years old (as in has graduated from college and is working) and still has stuffed animals sitting around on her bed...well...that speaks for itself.

How old is she? How old are you? Is this her second or third relationship?

Maybe she just needs to mature and realize life is really about finding someone who you can live with when the beauty fades.

Ask yourself, do you want to live life like it's a movie? Because here is the formula:
woman leaves man.
Man gets sad, does crazy things
woman starts to go out, move on with life, get a new bf, but still thinks about man
man learns the new man is a total chump who is taking advantage of the woman, enter the bad guy
man gets his act together
man reads womans mind and learns what she wants from him and life
man does these things in a grandiose and cinematic fashion.
woman is shocked to learn that she still feels for this man
reconciliation, happily ever after.
Just my opinion, I'm not a counselor or anything, but that is my take on this. Feel free to correct me if you think I am wrong.

Thank you for an incredibly insightful post, as far as your questions....

She is 22, and I'm 25. I met her one month after she broke it off with her EX of 3 years.

She only completed 2 years of schooling and was going to be an RN, she was unhappy that she wasn't further along in her career and only actually applied to these schools when we broke up, to make her feel better about herself I guess. The whole time I was with her I kept telling her to apply to these schools yet she never did, always afraid of them rejecting her applications because she had bad grades.

The whole time I was going to school and getting really good grades etc. She used to tell me that I was flourishing and she was unhappy about where she was in life.

During our 'talks' I would basically try to put her in her place and tell her to stop over analyzing everything, and that this fairytale stuff only exists in movies. The feelings would come and go..... the day before she wanted a break we had great sex that she actually INITIATED, and she let out a typical line of hers, 'i love you more' etc.

Then later that night she wanted me to come over and I said I was tired and already sleeping, and then bam...the next day she gets feelings of doubt and whatnot

I really don't think she's still pining for me because she told me our last night together she wants me to move on, and maybe when i find someone some day we can be friends, and left it with 'call me in a year if you want to'.....so I really don't think she wants me to pursue her or anything

And it's funny you mention the stuffed animals because yes, she has TONS in her room lol.

January 13, 2009

Did you actually indicate that you thought she was too good for you? The last sentence I quoted seems to indicate that...

Either way, insecurity can kill attraction.

nope, never really

I mean I would tell her I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world etc. when she would get into lingerie and dance around I would say 'i'm the luckiest guy in the world'.

But I never said she was too good looking for me, and I don't think she ever thought that either. I just sorta thought it at times.

January 14, 2009

More of my 2 cents.

"call me in a year", what is this? A kung fu movie? "come back and see me when you get more bearing young master...."

It really sounds to me that maybe she realized that she wasn't happy with herself. Rather than admit that and deal with it, she chose to focus on you as the object of her unhappiness. "its your fault that I am not happy because you do xy and z". or "I've been held back by him" or "there is so much I haven't seen or done" or a variation of any or all of these.

Very immature if you ask me.

Now that she is single and has done something, like get into school and is happy for the moment that further validates her thinking that it was your fault she was unhappy.

Correlation does not equal causality. So many people don't get this.

At the same time, she doesn't want to cut you out of her life. Did she give the same line to her ex? She rebounded with you after a month, how long have you two been split? Is it more then one month? Has she found someone else? What does that say to you?

Rebounding, that's when you know it is over 100%. The rebound is a way to shed the final emotional bond, not hold onto one. People who want to break bonds don't take your calls. They don't return your calls, they don't text or talk to you. That is the opposite of breaking a bond. Even if they say "call me in a year" I bet she still takes your calls right now. The call me in a year? all that's a way to keep you around while she makes up her mind about her life. She doesn't want to stay, and doesn't want to leave. How immature and indecisive is that?

Man, she's got you dangling. It's okay. Deep breath. Ready?

I would call her, wish her the best and tell her you're going to focus on yourself and not bother her anymore. Wish her the best. Tell her the same thing she told you. You hope that her future is bright and laters!

Stop talking to her. Period. Focus on you. At this point you can't do anything to make her come back you can only do things to drive her away.

What do I think will happen? a couple weeks will go by and she'll be telling herself "I've got him dangling". Then a couple more will go by and she'll realize you're serious. She'll respect you for that. Then she'll think about it. If she contacts you at all, email, text, call to say "hi" or "thank you" for something or "wish you well on a holiday", she's thinking about you. If she is still single, the door is wide open. Thinking about you + initiated contact + still single = not over you.

If not, then so what? Ask yourself "so what?". So you don't have to deal with an emotionally immature, sheltered little princess who whines about her lack of career focus rather then go out and "do" blames someone close to her for her problems rather then facing them head on. Be happy. That is a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Until she figures out that she is unhappy because she is unhappy with herself she will never be able to be happy in a relationship with anyone. The next guy will be on here in 3 years wondering what happened too. It will take time for this. It may never happen. Would you wait forever for her? I wouldn't wait longer than 15 minutes for one of my best friends at a movie before I went in without them!

An immature person blames someone else for their unhappiness. An adult learns not to blame the people close to them for their problems and works on their own to fix them. Relationships and fixing your own happiness can be compatible but it takes a mature person to know this. Age and education do not equal maturity. An adult recognizes that the person you WANT to be with is your best friend.

So. if you stop talking to her, either way you'll have your answer. Until then, live well. Take care of you.

stop worrying about what YOU did. Odds are that this would have happened no matter what because the issue lies within her and not within you. It really is her, not you.

The realization of this should set you free emotionally.

Cowboy up. Re-take your self esteem. Move forwards, not backwards.

January 14, 2009

Oh btw. She sounds like my best female friend to a T.

My buddy always complained to me about her BF doing similar things.

I always gave her a modified line from Clerks:

"dude, there are a lot of guys out there. Not all of them hang out with their girlfriends whenever she wants to, most of them just cheat on you"

My buddy just dumped her bf a couple of months ago and man. He was a cool guy. Smart, funny, handsome (yes, I am secure enough to know when a guy is handsome). That? That's the triple crown of dating.

Now all she does is pine for him now that he moved on and started dating. She dated a couple of guys who ended up being jerks and she now wishes she hadn't dumped her bf. I still hang out with him b/c he's cool and he could care less now.

You can't rip someone's heart out and expect them to let you back in, but she just doesn't get it....

January 14, 2009

At the same time, she doesn't want to cut you out of her life. Did she give the same line to her ex? She rebounded with you after a month, how long have you two been split? Is it more then one month? Has she found someone else? What does that say to you?

I don't think she gave the same line to her EX, her EX was really annoying after they broke it off....drunk texting her calling her a slut, and wanting to meet ME somewhere to fight, or threatening me to watch my back.

Our initial breakup was at the beginning of December, after that I did everything you should't be doing, calling her, emailing her etc.

One night I told her that I've gone back and thought about our relationship and all the things I wasn't doing and being selfish etc. She had some lame responses like "we don't even sleep at the same times! We don't even eat at the same times!", or " You didn't even introduce me to your friend when we met up last week!", and " I thought you would of called me more when you got laid off from your job!" etc.

Like a gay loser I said, "I know! I Know!"

and I begged for a second chance, saying that I changed

So we agreed to no contact till January 1st, 2009, and we would try again, on the stipulation that once she gets these feelings again that it was over and "not meant to be", and that "we must remain friends", and i had to promise her that we would.

Well the time came around for that second chance.....

We meet were we first met for our first date and drive together to another town about 45 min away to go eat somewhere and the vibe of everything was completely off. To make a long story short on the way home she tells that she didn't think she was 'truly' in love with me. And every time she got those feelings she just pushed them aside and always thought it would get better. She claims her problem is that whenever a guy likes her and they mesh together a little she always thought it was meant to be, she did the same thing to me as she did to her ex-boyfriend. She just has no idea what she wanted, but now claims that she DOES now know, and its to find true love with someone without having those feelings haunt her...

she said what I want is what I've wanted since I was a teenager!

Which of course is ROMEO or some fictional character from the movies

January 14, 2009

You don't know? Well. I'd venture a guess it was similar. Most guys don't react that way to women, at least most guys I know don't. Did you steal her from him? I only ask because if she was dating you and he knew about you then the two of them were in contact. Do you think she may have been stringing him along the same as she has done to you, then when she met you cut him off?

Immature people rarely alter their breakup patterns like a zebra doesn't change its stripes.

It's ok. Really. Accept that she is looking for something that does not exist in reality and thus she will never find it. Is this the end of everything? hardly.

Frankly, a first relationship, I can understand this level of immaturity, but once you've broken one heart, you should have the sense to know that its something to be done diplomatically. No games, no half promises, no wishy-washiness. The true hallmark of a mature adult is someone who can break up with someone and not have that person "hanging around", which, no matter what she says, seems to me like she is doing. "take a break for a month"? come on.

I get it. you feel duped. Lied to. Every time she told you she "loved you" for the past few weeks or months it was a lie. It feels very bad when someone we let into our intimate circle deceives us so grandly. Trust betrayed is the most bitter pill.

Karma tends to be unkind to people like that. Very unkind. I really believe that there is balance in the universe, like the Seinfeld where Jerry remarks that he is always balance. When one of his friends is down, another is up.

I've been there and like you my feelings clouded my judgment. You can't fix anything wrong with someone else.

she strikes me as a very undercover controlling person, another sign of immaturity. Did you ever get accused of being controlling? Sorry, but refusing to watch chick flicks is not controlling, not really in my book.

Being told that you must be at someones beck and call? That is the essence of controlling. The whole "see her bf whenever she wants" line just gives me that impression. What if she said "you must do certain things for me whenever I want them" because that "see you whenever I want" that's basically the same thing.

Based on that, I'd guess there is at least one hobby or pastime you had that she didn't like and you subsequently did much less of or gave up entirely. Right?

I think this is the key. There has to be something you liked to do that she never liked to do and you stopped doing it while you were together.

Go do these things/hobbies you gave up. It will remind you of who you are at your core, not what you became while you were dating her. Get a better perspective on who you are and who you became while you were with her.

So. The question is:

Do you allow her to control and manipulate your emotions in some game, or do you not?

I choose "not". I feel not playing some game is always the best choice. You've made it clear how you feel, now I would simply walk away. Let her live her life that way. As I said, Karma is not kind to people who live life like that and eventually kind to those these people hurt.

Stop playing her game and see what happens. She expects you to react like her old bf. She probably LIKES the feeling of being chased like that. It has to be a rush. Everytime a woman pursues me I get all warm and tingly. If you've rejected them and they keep coming that probably is a really big high. Don't. do. it.

My guess? If she hasn't found someone in a month or two, she'll contact you. If she does not, well, you've got your freedom! yay, right!?!

January 14, 2009

You don't know? Well. I'd venture a guess it was similar. Most guys don't react that way to women, at least most guys I know don't. Did you steal her from him? I only ask because if she was dating you and he knew about you then the two of them were in contact. Do you think she may have been stringing him along the same as she has done to you, then when she met you cut him off?

Well at the beginning I was picking her up at her sisters since I couldn't see her house because she claims she was embarrassed by the way it looked. I remember I had to remain a secret for like 3-4 months because she said her EX can't think there was someone else. He only actually knew she had a new BF probably 4-5 months after she broke up with in April. And the only reason he found out is because my brother started a new job and was talking about people he knew to a new co-worker who happened to be one of her EX's best friends. It's like I couldn't meet anyone in her social circle until the dust settled in her mind. I found this odd but I thought well whatever.

with someone and not have that person "hanging around", which, no matter what she says, seems to me like she is doing. "take a break for a month"? come on.

The one month break of no contact was my idea. This was after she broke up with me after we met for lunch. She said half of her wants to break up with me, the other half thinks I'm everything she's ever wanted and she doesn't want to ruin that. Well I guess the former won out there, and after lunch she told me about her 'sign' from God and how I'll find someone better. I turned into a pussy and started to whine and cry. A couple days later is when I called her begging for the second chance and how I can change, where she was hesitant to agree, and said we must remain friends if it doesn't work out.

she strikes me as a very undercover controlling person, another sign of immaturity. Did you ever get accused of being controlling? Sorry, but refusing to watch chick flicks is not controlling, not really in my book.

Not really,

A lot of times when we would go out she would beg me to go back home and change what I was wearing because she felt she was too 'dressed up' or 'dressed down'. She would kind of always demand I give her back massages, and very rarely would ever initiate sex.

I really feel like at the beginning of the relationship, for like the first year I could get away with almost everything. She would always tell me I'm 'perfect' and that we'll get married one day.

Then all of sudden everything I was doing was pissing her off, just the simple things. It's like she changed and started being bitchy about everything.

I used to go over there, and if I wasn't under her bed sheets, or I screwed up her bed sheets, she would lose it! Sometimes if I wasn't naked or something under the covers or in my underwear she would lose it!

She really started to get cranky at night too, I mean really cranky. Being just a complete bitch, I used to dread having to wake her up late to drive me home, or for her to go out to her car.

A part of me really wishes she would come crawling back for more but all signs seem to point to negative. She now says if she gets into this certain hospital program she's going to move there and be on her own. I remember her repeating the last night "I just need to be out there on my own". She even told me at least with he EX she got over it pretty quickly, hinting that this one is really making her sad, and she even said she missed me during our break. I just don't know anymore

January 15, 2009

I think I made a healthy realization today about my EX....

It revolves mostly around her having an external locus of control

She could never make decisions by herself, and this attribute to external people proves that

-They are readily influenced by the opinions of others and are more likely to pay attention to the status of the opinion-holder, while

people with an internal locus of control pay more attention to the content of the opinion regardless of who holds it.[/Quote]

Whenever we had those 'talks', all I was doing was just convincing her of things...and of course she listened, she never voiced her feelings to any other person but me the entire time.

Then during our one month break of no contact she started talking to others about her doubts and everything, and I'm sure they talked her into ending things. Once again she goes by others opinions and not hers.

-external locus of control makes people vulnerable to manipulation and open to abuse since externals would depend largely on the

reinforcement by significant others for everything they do

This probably explains why she was so needy of compliments all the time and reassurance in that I loved her

-Afraid of taking risks in life, when try do make mistakes, they assign repsonsibility to others rather than try to learn from what they

did.

This would probably explain why she kept putting off applying to nursing school in fear of rejection, and most likely blamed me for holding her back. She most likely thinks I was holding her back of so many things.

The research of Schneewind (1995; cited in Schultz & Schultz, 2005) suggests that "children in large single parent families headed by

women are more likely to develop an external locus of control"

BINGO, thats how she was raised

- In contrast, externals are typically associated with lower socioeconomic status, because poor people frequently believe to have less

control over their lives

Bingo once again

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