moonlitteardrops Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I have been with my fiance for 2 years and 9 months now. We have a very close and open relationship where we tell each other everything. For the past month, however behind my back she'd been talking to a former flame of hers and the night before last they hooked up, and she cheated on me. We talked about it and she told me that it was out of fear of me cheating on her, but I've never given any indication of wanting to do so. Cheating goes strongly against everything I stand for and I would never cheat on her. I want to get over this, but honestly I'm feeling a little dead and lost inside right now. I have been betrayed and I would like to work towards fixing things, but I am hurt. Any advice would be nice.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well first and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that man. But what you really have to look at here is the bare facts. You've given her your all and what happened? Do you really wanna spend your life with someone who's going to take you for granted? Both physically and emotionally? She cheated out of insecurity, or so she says. Insecurity doesn't go away, not for a long time. And that means for a long time she's liable to cheat on you again, "out of fear". Just think about it alot. I know it hurts, trust me I know. But through all the hurt you always gain something. No matter how hard you fall its a progress. Stand tall and make it through this and you will have learned something. Whether you choose to stay with her or not. But be logical here, because right now you can't depend on your heart as a decision maker, its in shambles.
moonlitteardrops Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thank you. You're right. I don't think that her insecurity will go away and she might even cheat on me again with the same man. God tho this is my first relationship and I love her so much. I gave her my all and I feel so empty and dead inside. To make matters worse she has OCD and Depression so the likelihood that her insecurities will go away are slim to none. I want to be with her so bad........but I am hurt beyond all words.
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry you are going through this but I think her excuse for doing this is fake. She was talking to him for awhile and planned this out. This doesn't seem like some act perpetrated by some irrational feeling. I know this sounds hard but do what is best for you. Her problems are no longer yours. I agree with Mr. dream, it may be tough but this will help you in the long run. Remember no matter what she says: this is not your fault. She is the one who DECIDED to cheat.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thank you. You're right. I don't think that her insecurity will go away and she might even cheat on me again with the same man. God tho this is my first relationship and I love her so much. I gave her my all and I feel so empty and dead inside. To make matters worse she has OCD and Depression so the likelihood that her insecurities will go away are slim to none. I want to be with her so bad........but I am hurt beyond all words. I know what you're going through. Alot of people go through this their first relationship. But you really have to ask yourself, if she loved you as much as you did her, would she have hurt you so bad? She's taken your heart and caused it pain. You don't want that in a relationship. You want to give your heart and all to someone who's going to appreciate it and treat it right, not cause it pain.
Bryanp Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I also think her excuse was fake. She was communicating with him for over a month and then has sex with him. The reason she gave you is ludicrous. People who cheat have a mindset that everybody thinks the way they do. She was emotionally cheating on you and then physically cheated on you figuring that since she wanted to cheat then you must want to cheat also. Please drop this person and find something who can respect you and respect themselves. You will have a lifetime of heartaches if you stay with you. She is engaged to you and has sex with a former boyfriend. If she can do this now what do you think she would be doing after you got married to her? She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
moonlitteardrops Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I honestly think that her excuse is complete bull****, but at the same time she was sobbing when she broke down and told me everything. I know she hurts and I'd like to make it work, but why the hell would she do this to me.....to us?
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Because she felt like it. Understand though, that infidelity is not directly the cause of breakups, it's a symptom of another problem. Her 'fear of you cheating on her' is indeed, as others have said, a pile of tosh. But it's pretty obvious that your relationship was not as open and clear as you assumed it was. Whatever she thought she could get from cheating was something lacking in the Relationship. Now, given that we all agree she's talking BS.... what else do you think that might have been?
moonlitteardrops Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well she has a couple of disorders. Obsessive Compulsive (OCD), Depression, and social anxiety disorder. She is on three meds to help her out with these problems. Since she does have these disorders I'm looking for a glimmer of hope in the fact that maybe it happened, or at least a major reason it happened was because of these.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I understand why you might be doing that, with good reason, but if she is taking her meds, having treatment and is under therapy....? It doesn't make her incapable of conscious decision. Now, as I say, these conditions may be a contributing factor, but unless she is completely schitzoid or schizophrenic, she can still tell right from wrong. The fact that she feels guilty should be enough to tell you that.
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Plus it wouldn't be wise to blame her disorders. I know you want to believe she isn't responsible but she is.
moonlitteardrops Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Very true. She was just put on a new med a while back tho I think it's called Abilify. She isn't actually in counseling tho.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well it sounds to me as if she might benefit. I think you're going to have to have a heart-to-heart on this one......
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 She's on meds but is she seeking counselling to help with her disorders? Her depression? Meds won't work 100% without the counselling. One thing to think about, she may always be like this. Has she suffered from anxiety, depression and OCD all her life? If so, then it will never go away - Plus, with certain types of mental illness, depression and OCD especially, it's hereditory so BE sure this IS the woman you want to marry, settle down with and have kids. Her excuse is bullcrap and she isn't owning up to her WHY she truly cheated. Has she told you the real reason? Does she have feelings for this old flame? Are they still communicating by email or phone? Put the marriage onhold until she faces what she's done and she's ready to fix herself. You love her, but what she did has shaken your trust in her. Has she tried to earn it back? She isn't actually in counseling tho. Counselling is a MUST!
brothelmaiden Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry you are going through this but I think her excuse for doing this is fake. She was talking to him for awhile and planned this out. This doesn't seem like some act perpetrated by some irrational feeling. I know this sounds hard but do what is best for you. Her problems are no longer yours. I agree with Mr. dream, it may be tough but this will help you in the long run. Remember no matter what she says: this is not your fault. She is the one who DECIDED to cheat. Yep. You have been together 2 years and she's cheated... what are the chances this will actually last and remain fulfilling long-term? I think you should start dating again to break away from this toxic person. Trust me, I've been there. She will destroy you given the chance.
brothelmaiden Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well she has a couple of disorders. Obsessive Compulsive (OCD), Depression, and social anxiety disorder. She is on three meds to help her out with these problems. Since she does have these disorders I'm looking for a glimmer of hope in the fact that maybe it happened, or at least a major reason it happened was because of these. She's on meds and still cheated. I've heard of cases where people have become more promiscuous on meds. Whatever the case, you are in for a long-haul life of pain if you remain with this gal.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I have been with my fiance for 2 years and 9 months now. We have a very close and open relationship where we tell each other everything. For the past month, however behind my back she'd been talking to a former flame of hers and the night before last they hooked up, and she cheated on me. We talked about it and she told me that it was out of fear of me cheating on her I would have laughed in her face at that one. Because its total bs. In any case, does she think you are ok with that explation even if it were true? Move on. If this is the kind of excuse she uses, just wait til she really thinks she has a good excuse.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I honestly think that her excuse is complete bull****, but at the same time she was sobbing when she broke down and told me everything. So what? let her cry on the other guy's shoulder. I know she hurts and I'd like to make it work Make what work? You giving your love to a cheater? There isn't anything to work on here unless you like to be walked all over. but why the hell would she do this to me.....to us? Because she is an untrustworthy, selfish cheater, thats why.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Moonlit, She cheated on you because she was afraid you were going to cheat. What happens the next time she is afraid your going to cheat? And the next, and the next. You need to tell her " I want to thank you for screwing your ex. And you won't need to worry about me cheating on you anymore. I am dumping you. That should ease your mind." You need to run from this psycho as fast as your legs can carry you. Why would you chain yourself to this nut case?
smarterthanbefore Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I have to agree with most every one here. Her excuse is complete BS and sounds like she just came up with it on the fly. Did she confess or did you find out? If she confessed, is because someone else was about to let the cat out the bag? I say that because her excuse is to lame and laughable. Think carefully. Life with a person with this many personaliy disorders is very rough and draining. Throw in the fact that you will never trust her completely again, and you have a lifetime of hell. Everything she do, she will use her disorder as the reason. I work in the medical field and see this all the time. Marriage is hard enough when you do trust each other, but no matter how transparant she make herself to you, you will never trust her the same, or see her the same. Also think about what kind of mother she will be, and what morals and values she will instill in your children. Fidelity is a choice based on one's morals. She definately don't believe in monogamy. Do you want your children to learn that as well. Just really weigh the options. You are not legally bound to her yet, and you can still save yourself a lot of future heartache. Do you really want a marriage with someone you have to constantly worry about being faithful and sane for the rest of your life?
mental_traveller Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I honestly think that her excuse is complete bull****, but at the same time she was sobbing when she broke down and told me everything. I know she hurts and I'd like to make it work, but why the hell would she do this to me.....to us? Don't try to find an explanation, it's not going to undo what happened. If you need any further motivation, imagine if she caught an std and gave it to you - leaving you an incurable disease that would ruin your dating and marriage prospects for the rest of your life. You really want to take that chance?
ArtAsylumBoy Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I think at the very least you need to call off the engagement. If you want to work through this, she needs to earn your trust back. I agree with everyone else in that it's hard to believe that this "just sorta happened". It was planned out. She blames it on a fear of you cheating on her. So what happens if you get a new job and start working with other females? Even if you have no interest in any of them, your fiance's insecurities may convince her otherwise and she may do it again. Take a step back, re-group, and move forward slowly.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 My wife has suffered from depression all her life. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I thought that standing at the end of the bed while she cried every other weekend was what marriage was. My wife never cheated and we have been married for 29 years. The Meds have made all the difference. Meds make you less horny not more horny, that's the fact. This girl did not screw this guy because she thought you would cheat. She screwed this guy because she wanted to have sex with him. She is a liar, a cheat and a slut. Dump her and find someone worth your love.
ducknrun Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You can go either way on this. If you have the will power and the belief that she will change then stay with her, but you will have to find a way to trust her again. Because your insecurities will start to pay a role if your constantly having to worry and check up on her. The other option is just to let her go like everyone says but I know that the hardest way for you to go because she’s your first. The first is always the hardest because you probably envisioned your lives together since you have been together for 2 years. I would say it's safe to assume that your family and hers know by now and if that’s the case, then I know your getting pressure from your side to probably dump her now. This is like tearing a band aid you can tear it slowly and feel pain for a long time or take it all at once with a quick tear. I really know what you’re going through this is my first post and thats because I haven't been able to post my same problem as you. I just caught a my fiance a month ago and have been trying to work things out.
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