Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I haven't read the whole thread - and I'm sure it gets as complicated as all your threads LB but let me congratulate you on wanting to take marriage off the table and on wanting to stop obsessing about it. I do have one suggestion for you: how about you change you avatar to a picture of yourself alone or of something you love that is completely unrelated to your boyfriend? Hmm, good idea.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Hell no! I overheard him say he is going to have "poker night" and stuff with his friends even when he is married. They can have their poker ngiht somewhere else. Thats all fine and dandy, but you shouldn't be expected to be kicked out of your own house when it happens. At least for a whole weekend. Its one thing to leave the house for an evening, but you should be able to come back at the end of an evening with your friends and sleep in your own bed. And that one friend that was pissed off at the mere idea that you would have the audacity to want to be able to stay at the place you pay rent at needs to not bother coming over if he is going to disrespect you, and at your own place no less.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I don't remember even saying I CANT be without him. I may have said I didn't WANT to be, that's totally different. You said you WANTED a relationship where you couldn't be without him. That's how you view marriage.
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 It's true I have few friends in the area, but I DEF. do not have minimal interests outside my relationship. I love to work out, read, swim, shop, go for walks. I can do those things by myself, I don't need him to do them. I am very capable of standing on my own two feet. I am financially stable and can support myself. I have friends, unfortunately they do not live in the area. My best friend is coming back from California for the summer so I'll have her as a support. I said before that I didn't like living alone, it's true I dont. But I will do it if need be. I don't remember even saying I CANT be without him. I may have said I didn't WANT to be, that's totally different. Are those passions or pleasant ways to spend time? If you moved out tomorrow because your bf decided he didn't want to get married for another 10 years, would those interests sustain you? Or would your life feel barren and empty without a bf?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Are those passions or pleasant ways to spend time? If you moved out tomorrow because your bf decided he didn't want to get married for another 10 years, would those interests sustain you? Or would your life feel barren and empty without a bf? Well, I'd miss him terribly since he is a huge part of my life, but eventually I'd end up moving on. I did after I broke up with my so I know I could do it again. I don't know if I'd say passions, but they are important to me. No interest can replace him though, and I'd go through a period of adjustment without him. However, like I said, I'd move on with my life.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Laurie, I find that when someone is "obsessed" with something (related to their SO), there is usually some kind of fear or wanting behind it. So what exactly is it that he isn't giving you? Stop and think about the dynamics of your R. Do you think perhaps that you feel this way because you are insecure about his feelings for you? Perhaps you think that marriage (or a proposal) is some kind of validation of his feelings for you (thereby appeasing the beast of insecurity within)?
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Well, I'd miss him terribly since he is a huge part of my life, but eventually I'd end up moving on. I did after I broke up with my so I know I could do it again. I don't know if I'd say passions, but they are important to me. No interest can replace him though, and I'd go through a period of adjustment without him. However, like I said, I'd move on with my life. Missing the point...my question wasn't whether you could handle breaking up or whether anything could replace him, but whether your interests are something you feel motivated by and excited about - enough to give you some spark and passion in your life even during a break up when you're going to feel lonely. So, to bring this back to your first post in this thread and how to get past your marriage obsession...my reply was to find some passions, something else that will engage your mind and heart and imagination as much as the idea of marriage does. Find some passions by exploring new things. Regardless of what happens with your bf, you need something in your life that excites you and engages your mind and heart.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Laurie, I find that when someone is "obsessed" with something (related to their SO), there is usually some kind of fear or wanting behind it. So what exactly is it that he isn't giving you? Stop and think about the dynamics of your R. Do you think perhaps that you feel this way because you are insecure about his feelings for you? Perhaps you think that marriage (or a proposal) is some kind of validation of his feelings for you (thereby appeasing the beast of insecurity within)? Yes. I'm insecure about him, so I guess I feel that if he marries me and commits to me it is showing me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Not very rational as I'm reading it, but that's part of the reason why I need to forget about marriage. If I just took that off the table maybe my insecurities would go away too.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Missing the point...my question wasn't whether you could handle breaking up or whether anything could replace him, but whether your interests are something you feel motivated by and excited about - enough to give you some spark and passion in your life even during a break up when you're going to feel lonely. So, to bring this back to your first post in this thread and how to get past your marriage obsession...my reply was to find some passions, something else that will engage your mind and heart and imagination as much as the idea of marriage does. Find some passions by exploring new things. Regardless of what happens with your bf, you need something in your life that excites you and engages your mind and heart. Yeah, you are right. I did some things during my break up with my ex that helped me, I began working out a lot and reading. I was in school at the time so I just threw myself into my studies. It really is good advice to find something that can spark some passion in my life. I absolutely love to read, it's a wonderful escape from reality and a way to clear your head and jump into someone else's world. I suggest reading to all my clients because it's such a great therapeutic tool.
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yeah, you are right. I did some things during my break up with my ex that helped me, I began working out a lot and reading. I was in school at the time so I just threw myself into my studies. It really is good advice to find something that can spark some passion in my life. I absolutely love to read, it's a wonderful escape from reality and a way to clear your head and jump into someone else's world. I suggest reading to all my clients because it's such a great therapeutic tool. Does that work for you now? When you start getting anxious and thinking about marriage, do you pick up a book and does it work to get you out of your insecurities and thoughts long enough and well enough to snap out of your funk? What was the last book you read that took you out of yourself and into another world?
Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Lb, why not focus on things that can help you for future, whether this relationship works out or not? It can't hurt to know how to take care of yourself, by yourself. This doesn't mean you're incompetent, needy and clingy. It's about acquiring life skills that can only be beneficial to you as an independent adult, whether in a relationship or not.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 You have to ask yourself if your insecurities are the result of something internal (i.e. some sort of warped thinking on your part) or if they are the reasonable results of something external (i.e. he doesn't make you a priority, he doesn't show his affection, etc). It could also be a mix of the two. That is, you're an insecure person as you are now AND he feeds your insecurities by being thoughtless, etc. Stop and think about whether a marriage will make these issues go away. You will still be insecure. Perhaps your energies are better spent trying to address these issues, rather than wait for a ring/proposal. It might give you some perspective and help you better prepare for a possible marriage. Also, think about what all of this could be doing to him. Pushing someone to take such a life-altering step is not a wise thing to do. You are bound to get resentment. This is no way to start a marriage. Stop yourself before it gets out of hand and try to fix YOURSELF and YOUR thoughts and perhaps things will flow a little more smoothly for you. I know what it's like to obsess about EVERYTHING. I'm an expert. But I try to catch myself. I try to let go and just BE. It's really difficult and you find yourself falling back into your old ways...but if you are conscious of it and really try to be objective (i.e. "is this me being insecure or is he really just being thoughtless"), you might be in a better position to take new steps in your R.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 .....but that's part of the reason why I need to forget about marriage. If I just took that off the table maybe my insecurities would go away too. yes Lauribell, you and I both know it really IS that easy.....!! It really is good advice to find something that can spark some passion in my life. I absolutely love to read, it's a wonderful escape from reality Providing of course that one is fully aware one has to come back and face it eventually! I suggest reading to all my clients because it's such a great therapeutic tool. Careful. I used to recommend books L, R and C, until I discovered a couple of clients who couldn't read......
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Lb, why not focus on things that can help you for future, whether this relationship works out or not? It can't hurt to know how to take care of yourself, by yourself. This doesn't mean you're incompetent, needy and clingy. It's about acquiring life skills that can only be beneficial to you as an independent adult, whether in a relationship or not. This is a great idea. You have to ask yourself if your insecurities are the result of something internal (i.e. some sort of warped thinking on your part) or if they are the reasonable results of something external (i.e. he doesn't make you a priority, he doesn't show his affection, etc). It could also be a mix of the two. That is, you're an insecure person as you are now AND he feeds your insecurities by being thoughtless, etc. Stop and think about whether a marriage will make these issues go away. You will still be insecure. Perhaps your energies are better spent trying to address these issues, rather than wait for a ring/proposal. It might give you some perspective and help you better prepare for a possible marriage. Also, think about what all of this could be doing to him. Pushing someone to take such a life-altering step is not a wise thing to do. You are bound to get resentment. This is no way to start a marriage. Stop yourself before it gets out of hand and try to fix YOURSELF and YOUR thoughts and perhaps things will flow a little more smoothly for you. I know what it's like to obsess about EVERYTHING. I'm an expert. But I try to catch myself. I try to let go and just BE. It's really difficult and you find yourself falling back into your old ways...but if you are conscious of it and really try to be objective (i.e. "is this me being insecure or is he really just being thoughtless"), you might be in a better position to take new steps in your R. Great post, OB.
Treasa Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Ocean-Blue posted pretty much word for word what I was going to post. I'm also wondering why you feel insecure with him, and if it's a result of the way he acts, or something going on inside your head. From everything I've read, he'd make me feel insecure, too. I have to admit that he may be nice at times, but he's also very controlling and critical, and him being so "cool" about it probably makes you feel even more like there's something wrong with you. I think it's much easier to handle disagreements with men when we're relaxed and almost as aloof as they can seem. Getting emotional makes me feel like a loser when a man seems to be perfectly calm, even though I can't always control it.
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