Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 A budget is a great idea. EXCEL is your friend. Create a spreadsheet with NET income v. expenses. Say you have $2000/mo in net income. How much and what are your expenditures? Is there a way to pare down the expenditures? Is it worthwhile to look for a roommate? Things of that nature. This way, you know you can do it on your own. Worse case scenario, you could move home for four months to save a small nest egg.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Big surprise there! (It takes one stubborn bytch to know another.) I'd have taken it a step further. The moment he said I wouldn't make a good wife, I would have said, "And I'm not sure you'd make a good husband, that's why I plan on moving out in 4 months."
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'd have taken it a step further. The moment he said I wouldn't make a good wife, I would have said, "And I'm not sure you'd make a good husband, that's why I plan on moving out in 4 months." Hey, no joke. That's exactly the way it would have gone down on my end! Like I said, LB he's way too cocky and sure of himself...lording this question of marriage over you. It doesn't speak well for him. Think about that. I mean this type of behavior will manifest itself in a negative way in other areas of your life...not just when it comes to this one issue. You see what I mean?
JamesM Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry I am late to this thread, but am I right.... You are asking how you can forget your obsession with marriage so that you can sooner get married? Or have you reached the conclusion that you want to spend the rest of your life with you BF EVEN if you never get married?
hotgurl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'd have taken it a step further. The moment he said I wouldn't make a good wife, I would have said, "And I'm not sure you'd make a good husband, that's why I plan on moving out in 4 months." I probably would have done the same thing too! As to LB maybe to stop obsessing about marriage she should turn her energy towards becoming more independent. MAke a budget, learn to cook(not for him but because it is a good skill), do things on your own. get a hobby etc.. being so dependent on him does not put you in a good position.
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 being so dependent on him does not put you in a good position. Exactly. You want to come from a position of strength not weakness. And I don't mean to sound so cold and clinical when talking about your relationship, LB but it's the way you must be sometimes. Being overly-sensitive and emotional isn't always in our best interests, you know? Thing is...if you really do all of this and gain some confidence and take the marriage question off the table and even move out, I have a sneaking suspicion he will chase after you and propose pronto. And I'm just not sure that's the best thing for you. But yeah, don't be surprised if that happens.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry I am late to this thread, but am I right.... You are asking how you can forget your obsession with marriage so that you can sooner get married? Or have you reached the conclusion that you want to spend the rest of your life with you BF EVEN if you never get married? I'm not asking so I can get married sooner. More like so I can get happier and not be so confused and sad all the time. Marriage isn't even the ultimate goal, happiness is my concern right now.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Exactly. You want to come from a position of strength not weakness. And I don't mean to sound so cold and clinical when talking about your relationship, LB but it's the way you must be sometimes. Being overly-sensitive and emotional isn't always in our best interests, you know? Thing is...if you really do all of this and gain some confidence and take the marriage question off the table and even move out, I have a sneaking suspicion he will chase after you and propose pronto. And I'm just not sure that's the best thing for you. But yeah, don't be surprised if that happens. Yeah, or when I say I'm moving out he'll take it as an ultimatum and freak out. But yeah he already told me he didn't want me to leave (when we had our fight I said "f this" and said I was going to my parents.) and that he loved me. He doesn't want me to break up with him so I'm pretty sure he would try to get me back.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'm sorry, Lauriebell... are you avoiding my question, have you forgotten it or would you prefer to not answer it...?
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Yeah, or when I say I'm moving out he'll take it as an ultimatum and freak out. It shouldn't IF you present it as though you've already made the decision. You're moving out, end of story. If you're able to survive after that, awesome. If not, then okay. (when we had our fight I said "f this" and said I was going to my parents.) Didn't you tell him that "he can go screw himself"?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 It shouldn't IF you present it as though you've already made the decision. You're moving out, end of story. If you're able to survive after that, awesome. If not, then okay. Didn't you tell him that "he can go screw himself"? Yeah, I said that too.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I know it sounds like a dumb question, and you may have been asked before but - What is it about marriage that seems so attractive that makes you think it would be the best thing ever? What is it about marriage? WHY do you actually WANT to GET MARRIED? What would it bring you that this relationship doesn't? maybe answering these questions may take you to the seat of your obsession..... Sorry, it's hard to keep up with all the responses. I want to get married because I want to devote my life to someone and make the ultimate committment. I also want to have children someday. Mostly I want to get married to a person who I will love for the rest of my life and who I can't be without. I know you can do that without being married, but I think it's still more special.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Actually, I have found it's very often LESS special. People psychologically 'stop' making efforts and fall into the 'taking for granted' mode. "Whatcha gonna do, walk out? You have any idea how much divorces cost?" They fall into the trap of believing that once it's a done deal, it doesn't matter any more right? I mean, all that lovey-dovey stuff was the preamble, you don't need it any more. If I had a pound for every time I have heard a guy in counselling say "Oh, I didn't think I needed to do that any more - I mean we ARE married now!" I'd be saving the global economy. The hard work starts the day after the honeymoon. Lauriebell, I'm sorry, I really am not trying to shoot down you dreams, but believe me, a "Marriage is one heck of an expensive way to prepare for divorce". (And I didn't say that. Za Za Gabor did. And she should know). I have also found, through experience, that people who live together over the long-term, seem to make more of a commitment, precisely because there is nothing stopping either one of them from simply calling it a day and disappearing.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I have also found, through experience, that people who live together over the long-term, seem to make more of a commitment, precisely because there is nothing stopping either one of them from simply calling it a day and disappearing. True. I stayed and didn't go to my parents becuase I love him and want to try to compromise, not because I have a ring on my finger.
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry, it's hard to keep up with all the responses. I want to get married because I want to devote my life to someone and make the ultimate committment. I also want to have children someday. Mostly I want to get married to a person who I will love for the rest of my life and who I can't be without. I know you can do that without being married, but I think it's still more special. What's wrong with that picture?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 What's wrong with that picture? I was speaking in general terms. The question was just "why do you want to get married?" But I do want to do all those things with my boyfriend.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 But I do want to do all those things with my boyfriend. I'm not convinced you do. Like I've said four times now, I think you're merging your desire to get married IN GENERAL with your love for your boyfriend and thinking that means you want to marry HIM.
Treasa Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry, it's hard to keep up with all the responses. I want to get married because I want to devote my life to someone and make the ultimate committment. I also want to have children someday. Mostly I want to get married to a person who I will love for the rest of my life and who I can't be without. I know you can do that without being married, but I think it's still more special. Let's say you end up getting married and then get widowed? Marriage isn't a guarantee of anything. The whole "and who I can't be without" thing scares me. I absolutely adore my boyfriend, but I CAN be without him. There was life before him, and I can be happy without being married. He isn't responsible for my self esteem, security, etc.
Treasa Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I was speaking in general terms. The question was just "why do you want to get married?" But I do want to do all those things with my boyfriend. I've seen you say that you'd stay with your boyfriend even if you didn't get married. And then in your other thread you said your boyfriend knows you'll leave if he doesn't propose. Which is it, LB? Which is more important? Your boyfriend or marriage? I have a hunch that you'll never leave your boyfriend, and he knows it, and feels comfortable blowing you off and telling you it's gonna be a "huge surprise." Yep, it'll be a huge surprise if he proposes to you, all right. He has no reason to. He knows you aren't going anywhere.
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I was speaking in general terms. The question was just "why do you want to get married?" But I do want to do all those things with my boyfriend. Ok, gotcha LB.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Let's say you end up getting married and then get widowed? Marriage isn't a guarantee of anything. The whole "and who I can't be without" thing scares me. I absolutely adore my boyfriend, but I CAN be without him. There was life before him, and I can be happy without being married. He isn't responsible for my self esteem, security, etc. Shazzam. Bin-go.
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry, it's hard to keep up with all the responses. I want to get married because I want to devote my life to someone and make the ultimate committment. I also want to have children someday. Mostly I want to get married to a person who I will love for the rest of my life and who I can't be without. I know you can do that without being married, but I think it's still more special. The "someone" you should be devoting your life to is yourself. There is NO guarantee that you and laundry-wrinkle-boy will get married, or that you will get married to anyone, or that your marriage will survive forever, or anything. You just got your degree, you're just beginning a new job, and you're paying bills for the first time in your life. You have minimal interests outside your relationship, and you have few friends in the area. Your main focus right now should be on developing yourself into a complete and whole person all on your own with interests, activities, marketable skills, friends, nest egg, and goals that do not necessarily rely upon a ring from laundry-boy. Not only do you need to be capable of standing on your own two feet your entire life, you also need a support system (FRIENDS) of your own that are not all tied to your bf. You need to find some passions in life that have nothing to do with him, because you need something else to sustain you besides his approval.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I've seen you say that you'd stay with your boyfriend even if you didn't get married. And then in your other thread you said your boyfriend knows you'll leave if he doesn't propose. Which is it, LB? Which is more important? Your boyfriend or marriage? I have a hunch that you'll never leave your boyfriend, and he knows it, and feels comfortable blowing you off and telling you it's gonna be a "huge surprise." Yep, it'll be a huge surprise if he proposes to you, all right. He has no reason to. He knows you aren't going anywhere. Not so much. I'm capable of leaving a man who is bad for me, believe it or not. I did it before and I can do it again. I'm not clingy or desperate as some of you have let on here. I can take care of myself. I don't NEED him, I want him. Huge difference. I got over someone else that I was in love with who I was with for 2 1/2 years. I could do it again.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 The "someone" you should be devoting your life to is yourself. There is NO guarantee that you and laundry-wrinkle-boy will get married, or that you will get married to anyone, or that your marriage will survive forever, or anything. You just got your degree, you're just beginning a new job, and you're paying bills for the first time in your life. You have minimal interests outside your relationship, and you have few friends in the area. Your main focus right now should be on developing yourself into a complete and whole person all on your own with interests, activities, marketable skills, friends, nest egg, and goals that do not necessarily rely upon a ring from laundry-boy. Not only do you need to be capable of standing on your own two feet your entire life, you also need a support system (FRIENDS) of your own that are not all tied to your bf. You need to find some passions in life that have nothing to do with him, because you need something else to sustain you besides his approval. It's true I have few friends in the area, but I DEF. do not have minimal interests outside my relationship. I love to work out, read, swim, shop, go for walks. I can do those things by myself, I don't need him to do them. I am very capable of standing on my own two feet. I am financially stable and can support myself. I have friends, unfortunately they do not live in the area. My best friend is coming back from California for the summer so I'll have her as a support. I said before that I didn't like living alone, it's true I dont. But I will do it if need be. I don't remember even saying I CANT be without him. I may have said I didn't WANT to be, that's totally different.
Kamille Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I haven't read the whole thread - and I'm sure it gets as complicated as all your threads LB but let me congratulate you on wanting to take marriage off the table and on wanting to stop obsessing about it. I do have one suggestion for you: how about you change you avatar to a picture of yourself alone or of something you love that is completely unrelated to your boyfriend?
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