Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 This is a spin-off of my other thread "Accepting Faults." A few other members suggested another thread so here goes. 2 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend who I have lived with for about 8 months now. Overall relationship is a happy one. We have had some issues, but they have gotten better and we managed to work things out. The biggest issue that is underlying is my fixation (obsession) with getting married. I have no clue why I feel this way. All the sudden everyone I know started popping up engaged then married. And I'm only 26!!! I had been with my boyfriend who I loved, so I thought, "Well, when will this be me? I love him and I want to get married!" I have some insecurities from a lot of hurt in my past relationships. This has been hard on me. So you all are going to be my support system. My "addictions counselors" so to speak. I have thought of some coping mechanisms to push marriage from my mind. Can you all help me? Please!!
BentSpine Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? There, is your obsession gone now?
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Not having read the AF thread yet, you'll have to forgive me for catching up here. Are you obsessed with the idea of marriage, or with marrying him specifically? And what's so bad about wanting to get married at your age? Heck, I was engaged at 20. There's nothing that says you have to wait until a certain age (well, there is the whole legal age thing, but that's not an issue here). It all comes down to when you feel ready. Some people feel ready early on in life, some feel ready later, and some never feel ready. If you feel ready and you're sure it's with him, ask him.
amaysngrace Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I think living together is a good test for marriage. How you are now is how it'll be when you're married. If I were to live with my BF I would wait at least a year of living with him before I'd marry him. Just to be sure. Your patience or lack thereof is putting the marriage proposal in jeopardy. You so need to lighten up on it already. It's out of your hands. He will ask when and if he asks. You can't control it. What on earth do you do? Wait holiday to holiday and special occasion to special occasion to see if that might be the day? God I would hate to be like that. Have patience. IT'S OUT OF YOUR HANDS. Accept it. You make every special occasion into being a big floaty balloon in your head and then you take a pin and pop that balloon in your head every time when it ends up not being the day. Stop thinking like that. Don't think balloon thoughts. If you start thinking balloon thoughts stop. It's not up to you but your own disappointments are. So stop setting yourself up to be disappointed already.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Not having read the AF thread yet, you'll have to forgive me for catching up here. Are you obsessed with the idea of marriage, or with marrying him specifically? I think it's a little of both. He messes with my head a lot (hints and b.s.) so it just makes my obsession grow a little more. And what's so bad about wanting to get married at your age? Heck, I was engaged at 20. There's nothing that says you have to wait until a certain age (well, there is the whole legal age thing, but that's not an issue here). It all comes down to when you feel ready. Some people feel ready early on in life, some feel ready later, and some never feel ready. If you feel ready and you're sure it's with him, ask him. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting married at my age either. Hell, most of my friends got married a few years ago!!! Unfortunately my boyfriend says he is ready but I don't think he really is. Again, this makes my obsession grow worse as well. I have had talks with him about it and the answer I get is "It will happen when you least expect it, I want it to be a total surprise, ect." Great answer, sounds promising, however it has been his answer since about late August. I have only broached the topic 2 times since he then and he gives me the same exact answer every single time. I need to relax about this because I think he already feels pressured because he knows how much I want to get married. I try not to push him, but it's so hard to be with someone who isn't on the same level. After a big fight on Saturday I realized that I need to stop obsessing about marriage and take it off the table before my relationship goes down the tubes.
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Replace your obsession with another. Each time you start thinking about marriage, think instead: - what can I plan for this weekend that would be fun for us to do? - plan your dream trip...one day, you'll have enough money to take a dream vacation. Where do you want to go? What would you do? Take the time to learn about different countries and plan your safari or travels through Asia or a tour of ancient ruins around the world...learn about the culture, foods, music, learn, explore, investigate. - pick your favorite cuisine that week and learn to make one of your favorite Indian, Italian, Mexian, Thai dishes...look up recipes, plan a meal, shop for spices, talk to people about it, have fun. It can be anything, but select something equally fascinating to you as marriage, and replace your thoughts.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I know it sounds like a dumb question, and you may have been asked before but - What is it about marriage that seems so attractive that makes you think it would be the best thing ever? What is it about marriage? WHY do you actually WANT to GET MARRIED? What would it bring you that this relationship doesn't? maybe answering these questions may take you to the seat of your obsession.....
You'reasian Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I have thought of some coping mechanisms to push marriage from my mind. Can you all help me? Please!! Think of your current life/situation as needing constant improvement. Focus on ways to improve yourself - set goals and get busy. I'm sure your man probably thinks of you too, just make sure you are communicating about it.
Lishy Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I dont think people are getting the question LB does not think that getting married is silly at her age the problem is that her marriage obsession could actually be hindering her relationship as it does not seem like her BF wants to get married right now. She needs to find ways to lose the obsession and just enjoy what she has. LB, I watched an old rerun of sex and the city (my fav programme) the other night and this one was about Miranda feeling awkward when her married pals asked if she was seeing anyone, she would make a joke about it and try to act the fool to put them off the scent that she felt embarressed that she was single. Then one day she bumped into a married friend who asked her the question and Miranda replied "No, I am single" with no joke attached. She realised that her friend may be married but she was far from happy ... Marriage does not signal happiness, especially with the wrong person! That is what you should concentrate on. Take this time in your young life to really look at your BF warts and all and see the big picture instead of just an engagement ring, marriage band and babies. Your friends may be married LB, but you do not know what goes on behind closed doors!
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 That's exactly why I posed the questions i did. Because if she can actually find the root of her obsessive desire and reasoning for getting married, then maybe she can de-sensitise herself and stop obsessing about it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 If you feel ready and you're sure it's with him, ask him. Holy Shizenhaagen! Talk about an out-of-the box way to handle a situation of passive-aggressiveness. I'm loving this. It would answer the question straight up. If he declines your request for his hand in marriage, you know he's been leading you on!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Holy Shizenhaagen! Talk about an out-of-the box way to handle a situation of passive-aggressiveness. I'm loving this. It would answer the question straight up. If he declines your request for his hand in marriage, you know he's been leading you on! I would never outright ask him to marry me. However if I asked him if he really truely thought I was the person he wanted to marry I don't know if he'd actually give me an honest answer. He probably thinks the minute he tells me he doesn't want to marry me I'm going to be gone.
Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I would never outright ask him to marry me. However if I asked him if he really truely thought I was the person he wanted to marry I don't think he would tell me no. Beyond traditionalism, why not?
Dexter Morgan Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 laurie, Here is something that might push it out of your mind. Would you really want to get married, and have your husband kick you out of your own house when his dipstick buddies come over for a weekend? You really wanna deal with that lack of consideration again?
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I would never outright ask him to marry me. However if I asked him if he really truely thought I was the person he wanted to marry I don't know if he'd actually give me an honest answer. He probably thinks the minute he tells me he doesn't want to marry me I'm going to be gone. LB, why would you even want to marry a man whom you believe wouldn't give you an honest answer to that extremely important question?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 laurie, Here is something that might push it out of your mind. Would you really want to get married, and have your husband kick you out of your own house when his dipstick buddies come over for a weekend? You really wanna deal with that lack of consideration again? Hell no! I overheard him say he is going to have "poker night" and stuff with his friends even when he is married. They can have their poker ngiht somewhere else.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 LB, why would you even want to marry a man whom you believe wouldn't give you an honest answer to that extremely important question? Maybe that's just my insecurities talking. I have asked him before and he has said yes, that he loves me and wants it to be a suprise for me. That it will happen when I least expect it. But alas, no proposal, so the claim is losing it's validity, ya know?
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Hell no! I overheard him say he is going to have "poker night" and stuff with his friends even when he is married. They can have their poker ngiht somewhere else. Who says? You? Another example of incompatibility. He thinks he will. Maybe that's just my insecurities talking. I have asked him before and he has said yes, that he loves me and wants it to be a suprise for me. That it will happen when I least expect it. But alas, no proposal, so the claim is losing it's validity, ya know? And yet this weekend he blatantly corrected himself to say "IF we get married."
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Maybe that's just my insecurities talking. I have asked him before and he has said yes, that he loves me and wants it to be a suprise for me. That it will happen when I least expect it. But alas, no proposal, so the claim is losing it's validity, ya know? Yep, I know. Like SG just said, now it's not even "when" but "if." My pride alone, (I'm very stubborn though) would be enough to make me take the marriage topic off the table just because of that one remark he made. He's WAY too cocky and sure of himself regarding the marriage question. God, that would piss me off. I'd make sure he knew in no uncertain terms that I'm re-thinking the whole idea. But don't go by me, like I said, I'm stubborn and that whole thing would make me crazy.
Treasa Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Maybe that's just my insecurities talking. I have asked him before and he has said yes, that he loves me and wants it to be a suprise for me. That it will happen when I least expect it. But alas, no proposal, so the claim is losing it's validity, ya know? Yet you keep expecting it, which drives him away from doing it. I'm willing to bet he can sense the desperation. Can you afford to live on your own? I know you don't want to, but from ALL the many threads I've read, I feel like he has serious control issues and takes you for granted.
Trialbyfire Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Lb, you have 3.5 months to forget about this. Time to focus on self, things to do with self, making new friends and gaining new hobbies. Also, start taking more control and responsibility of your life with your b/f. In doing so, it lets your b/f know that you can stand on your own without him. He then becomes a want in your life v. a need, as it should be.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 My pride alone, (I'm very stubborn though) would be enough to make me take the marriage topic off the table just because of that one remark he made. He's WAY too cocky and sure of himself regarding the marriage question. God, that would piss me off. I'd make sure he knew in no uncertain terms that I'm re-thinking the whole idea. But don't go by me, like I said, I'm stubborn and that whole thing would make me crazy. Nah, I'd do the very same thing.
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Nah, I'd do the very same thing. Big surprise there! (It takes one stubborn bytch to know another.)
BareGoddess Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Lb, you have 3.5 months to forget about this. Time to focus on self, things to do with self, making new friends and gaining new hobbies. Also, start taking more control and responsibility of your life with your b/f. In doing so, it lets your b/f know that you can stand on your own without him. He then becomes a want in your life v. a need, as it should be. Yes, and I'd add. I mean don't obsess about May or anything but you can start looking in the paper..see what you can afford in the way of apartments (maybe you'll need a roommate, maybe not.) Figure out a budget. I think this will give you the confidence you need that if you do move out you CAN make it. The unknown is scary. So I think if you do this, you'll see that you CAN make it. Put it down in black and white and see for yourself.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 How about a little shock therapy ... Mosey on over to the Separation & Divorce section and overdose on a few of the horror threads posted recently. Should do a fine job of scaring you “single” for the rest of your life. It sure has for me !!!
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