sunshinegirl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 A few weeks ago I decided to step back from the (online) dating scene; I wasn't having any fun or meeting anyone very interesting....til yesterday when I got an email from someone who seemed promising. But in our first email exchange, he wrote the following, and the bolded part really bothers me: There's been alot of people on here that I should have said "no thanks" to, but I've generally been giving the benefit of the doubt. But frankly, I've only found one person who I was truly interested in. That ran its course, but as I've said to a former match date, now good friend, it seems like everyone on here is a B - when I'm looking for the A+. There is something barf-worthy in his "grading" system, however tongue in cheek it was. I get that it's hard to find someone compatible online. I've said it myself. But I searched my soul, high and low, and realized I would never describe it - or myself - that way (by implication, he sees himself as an A+ which is also barfworthy). The way he's written it sounds like he's doing women a favor by going out with them (the whole "benefit of the doubt" thing). I am considering writing him back and calling this out, but maybe I'm overreacting? I'm the first to acknowledge that tone and intention are hard to discern via email. But, to be honest, it's pretty much killed my interest.
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 There's been alot of people on here that I should have said "no thanks" to, but I've generally been giving the benefit of the doubt. But frankly, I've only found one person who I was truly interested in. That ran its course, but as I've said to a former match date, now good friend, it seems like everyone on here is a B - when I'm looking for the A+. That's the bit that jumped out at me... He only found one person in whom he was truly interested, and that ran it's course....? So he's only semi-interested in you, maybe.... And if the other one was so good....how come it 'ran its course'? Could it be that HE didn't have what it took? I'd keep on walking......!!
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Long story short, he thought he was paying you a compliment. By writing to you and saying that he's only looking for A+, he implied that you might just be an A+/Perfect 10/whatever your want to call it. It wasn't the best way of doing it, and I won't go into the reasoning why he did it, but he really did think he was impressing you with it. Here's the problem: Think of it like a 40 yard dash. He has to get to the end to get things going with you. With his 'compliment', he thinks he's starting 10 yards ahead. You, on the other hand, gave him a 10 yard starting penalty. So he's going to run 30 yards and think he's there when in truth, he's only half way. He's going to stop running; you won't understand why he stopped running and he won't understand why the race isn't over. The way I see it, your choices are: a) tell him exactly what you think about his comment, or b) walk away. Unless you really want to make a go of it with this guy, I think you're better walking away. P.S. Just because he's looking for an A+, it doesn't mean he thinks he is one himself.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Good points, both of you. I ended up replying, just now, with this: Hi XX: I appreciate your response but there were a couple of lines I just couldn’t get past and, based on my internal reaction, confirms that I really need to take a time out from dating. I’m not sure if you were trying to pay me a compliment with the “most people on here are B’s when I’m looking for an A+” but it read to me condescending and judgmental. I get that tone is very hard to convey accurately via email, but even in a joking manner I would never describe my own challenges finding someone compatible online in those terms. There’s just an inherent air of superiority in that language that I’m not comfortable with. I understand that I may have completely misread you...but again, my own reactions tell me that I need to go back into “time out” mode. My apologies for the sudden 180. Good luck to you. SSG 1
gopher Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I think we are all looking for A+'s...and the grading curve for what that looks like is different for everyone. Who among us wants to settle? I'm fairly sure that his grading system wasn't just about looks...it would have made for an interesting conversation as to, what an A+ was in his world. But, it sounds like you are pretty gunshy about dating, and need a longer break. IMO, This poor guy made the mistake of sharing too much, too soon and did it in a way that made him appear very shallow.
serial muse Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Good points, both of you. I ended up replying, just now, with this: Hi XX: I appreciate your response but there were a couple of lines I just couldn’t get past and, based on my internal reaction, confirms that I really need to take a time out from dating. I’m not sure if you were trying to pay me a compliment with the “most people on here are B’s when I’m looking for an A+” but it read to me condescending and judgmental. I get that tone is very hard to convey accurately via email, but even in a joking manner I would never describe my own challenges finding someone compatible online in those terms. There’s just an inherent air of superiority in that language that I’m not comfortable with. I understand that I may have completely misread you...but again, my own reactions tell me that I need to go back into “time out” mode. My apologies for the sudden 180. Good luck to you. SSG I think this is good. I don't know whether he meant anything by it or not - some people are just awkward and it may have been that he overshared too early. I don't know what I would have done in a similar case...if I liked him otherwise, possibly I'd have met him for coffee to see whether it was just a slip-up or whether he really is a judgmental sort of person. But that kind of statement definitely would have given me pause, too. I think that grading thing is common in online dating, and it's a problem - people get to see profiles in a very impersonal way, as a buffet of choices rather than as individuals trying to express themselves. So it would have struck me as superior and kind of off-putting, too. Regardless, if nothing else, he may have turned off other people by saying similar things, so IMO you've done him a favor by pointing out what it looks like on the receiving end, and that not everyone's going to see it as flattering. 1
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 He wrote me back deeply apologetic and asking me for another chance. Said that he didn't at all mean it the way I took it, that he dashed the note off during a busy work day and that what he had been trying to say came out "exactly the wrong way". He was excited to find me online and was trying to both compliment me and express some frustration at not having met the right person yet. I expected him to write back something defensive, if at all. So now I don't know what to do - that's the right kind of thing to say, definitely - but I mostly just feel beaten down by the whole dating scene and having been turned off, I don't know if I can get turned "on" again by this guy. (What is WRONG with me? It's been 8+ months since my last relationship ended; you'd think I'd be happy about this.)
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 You'd think, huh? "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". Maybe then, it's time to just plunge in and have a dip. Nobody ever could test the depth of the water with just one foot. Take a leap, take a chance. Weigh up what you have to lose. And what you have to gain. And buy a new top.
serial muse Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 He wrote me back deeply apologetic and asking me for another chance. Said that he didn't at all mean it the way I took it, that he dashed the note off during a busy work day and that what he had been trying to say came out "exactly the wrong way". He was excited to find me online and was trying to both compliment me and express some frustration at not having met the right person yet. I expected him to write back something defensive, if at all. So now I don't know what to do - that's the right kind of thing to say, definitely - but I mostly just feel beaten down by the whole dating scene and having been turned off, I don't know if I can get turned "on" again by this guy. (What is WRONG with me? It's been 8+ months since my last relationship ended; you'd think I'd be happy about this.) Not being defensive is a BIG plus. I don't know what to advise...if you're not up for dating, it's fair to say so and it's nice to let him know now rather than after he's more invested...but for what it's worth he did give exactly the right answer. 1
D-Jam Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 it seems like everyone on here is a B - when I'm looking for the A+. This is unfortunately why you see so many (men and women) disdain from online dating or complain about it. Their mentality is that they're looking for the shiniest most perfect looking mate, rather than the one who is an ideal match. They think a gorgeous mate or wealthy mate is the ideal match, then wonder later why it seems the RL never works out. Maybe he was paying you a compliment, but I would get a sense from his words that he's shallow. So imagine the day he sees you in your sweats, hair tied back, no makeup...suddenly he's seeing you as a "B-" and might possibly be back on the sites looking for his fantasy "A+" I'd also love to know if women would see this guy as an "A+" or not. "A+" to me isn't the girl who looks like a perfect 10, but the woman who is appealing to my eyes AND loves and respects me AND has a life, interests, passions AND won't be a liability on my life. I say pick an apple that tastes good and looks appealing to the eye...not spend hours digging for the most perfect shaped apple of the ideal color and size. You might bite into it and find out it's not as taste as it appeared.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 From other things he wrote, I don't get the impression he was talking about looks making someone an A+. He said he'd met attractive women online but no one who was the kind of conversationalist he is...and that had been something we had in common right away. I need to think on this more. I feel torn: on the one hand, I've done a lot of work on myself in the last 8 months and I am readier than I ever have been for a healthy LTR. And I want it - I want marriage, kids, etc. But I was also terror-struck to get his (good) response, which must mean I am scared to put myself out there again. I am still pretty self-protective after my last breakup.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Just to tie a neat little bow around this, here's how it played out. I agreed to have lunch with him today. In person, he was not at all what I imagined. He, generally, came across as a tightly wound, anxious Type A personality who talked a lot about money. While in writing he did a nice job of disavowing the B-/ A+ thing he said in his email, in person today he admitted that he talks that way a lot and that he's basically a snobby person. He also did a nice job of bumming me out further when it comes to finding someone by saying that he thinks our city is awful for singles in their thirties and that he needs to move away because he's dated everyone in our demographic. Despite him being so persistent in meeting me, I didn't get the sense he was interested in ME as much as he was interested in my resume. That's okay though; I felt no chemistry whatsoever.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 Believe in your judgement ssg. You probably guessed this would happen in some ways. His email said it all. As a possible next time, why not talk on the phone with these "questionable" guys first, before meeting? An easier way to filter out incompatible men.
Author sunshinegirl Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 Yes...another good lesson; once again, my gut instinct was dead-on. We could've spoken by phone, true. I often bypass that step because I figure I really need the in-person experience to know if there's chemistry. But maybe I should do more phone vetting. Or just step out of this crazy dating scene for awhile.
Rebellious Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 A few weeks ago I decided to step back from the (online) dating scene; I wasn't having any fun or meeting anyone very interesting....til yesterday when I got an email from someone who seemed promising. But in our first email exchange, he wrote the following, and the bolded part really bothers me: There's been alot of people on here that I should have said "no thanks" to, but I've generally been giving the benefit of the doubt. But frankly, I've only found one person who I was truly interested in. That ran its course, but as I've said to a former match date, now good friend, it seems like everyone on here is a B - when I'm looking for the A+. There is something barf-worthy in his "grading" system, however tongue in cheek it was. I get that it's hard to find someone compatible online. I've said it myself. But I searched my soul, high and low, and realized I would never describe it - or myself - that way (by implication, he sees himself as an A+ which is also barfworthy). The way he's written it sounds like he's doing women a favor by going out with them (the whole "benefit of the doubt" thing). I am considering writing him back and calling this out, but maybe I'm overreacting? I'm the first to acknowledge that tone and intention are hard to discern via email. But, to be honest, it's pretty much killed my interest. I think you're over analyzing his message without knowing him very well. In guy-speak I think he's just saying that he hasn't found the right girl yet. He took the risk to be honest and direct with you, so try not to read too much in words.
Confusedalways Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 wow! I would have said to give him a chance but I see you went out-- you are much better than me at reading people
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