Sari Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Here is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171722/ It has been almost 7 weeks since we split up, and a lot has happened since then. I have had some scarily depressed moments, missed him like crazy and had a fling with a co-worker who I still find attractive. Yesterday I sent my ex an email (first time I have initiated contact, and have only been formal and brief in all other communication initiated by him, talking about rent and bills and stuff) about getting our deposits back, and I went a bit crazy suddenly and told him I hate him and he has broken my heart and ruined everything between us, then sent it, knowing it was a bad idea. I then emailed again quickly and said sorry please ignore the other email, I am fine and didn't mean the things I said, upset etc. He didn't respond all day, then sent me and email last night. He said that when he thinks about what he has done it reduces him to tears, he knows he has messed up everything and he now knows that he loves me and can't live without me, and will wait for me forever if I could ever think of letting him love and adore me again, but if not he wishes me happiness and knows he can expect nothing more after the way he has treated me. Needless to say I am shocked. I am so happy, but shocked and very confused. I have worked so hard to get over this, and I'm not sure I can put myself in that position again. I have been dangerously low at points over the past couple of months and have had to pick myself up and struggle on. Also we did have problems, nearly all bedroom-based - work on them or give it all up as a bad job and move on? I miss him so much and can't even think of his lovely face or cuddles or anything without breaking down in tears. He was everything to me and I did and still do love him with all my heart. For the most part of our relationship he treated me like a queen and is a wonderful person, so I wouldn't be stepping back in to a doomed relationship with some love-rat... I just don't know if I can go back after what I have been through. Also, I still like this guy at work even though he has made it clear we can only be friends after our short fling, shall I give up on this one and go back to my ex? I never like two people at once and find this situation very confusing and hard to fathom, if I do still have strong feelings for this other guy, even if he doesn't reciprocate, then is it wrong to get back with my ex, even though I love him? I have told my ex I need time to think, and that I still love him but things are different now. I mentioned the fling very briefly as I am a very honest person and cannot bear subterfuge or deceit. Any advice would be very gratefully received!
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 For the most part of our relationship he treated me like a queen and is a wonderful person, so I wouldn't be stepping back in to a doomed relationship with some love-rat... I just don't know if I can go back after what I have been through. For the most part. But has the bit that doesn't fall into that, been resolved? The relationship was doomed before. That's why you broke up. And he is a love-rat, your vent confirmed it. And don't tell me now you didn't mean it, and it weas all a big mistake. No, it wasn't. You were speaking from the heart, and said everything you felt like getting out of your system. You meant every word. You're just sorry he read them, because it made you seem weak. Also, I still like this guy at work even though he has made it clear we can only be friends after our short fling, shall I give up on this one and go back to my ex? There's nothing to 'give up' on. He's made it clear there's nothing serious going on.... I never like two people at once and find this situation very confusing and hard to fathom, if I do still have strong feelings for this other guy, even if he doesn't reciprocate, then is it wrong to get back with my ex, even though I love him? You're too messed up to be with either of them. You are emotionally vulnerable and in no state of mind to be embarking on Titanic #2, when you've not even recovered from Titanic #1. (Notice how they never actually built another Titanic.....) I have told my ex I need time to think, and that I still love him but things are different now. I mentioned the fling very briefly as I am a very honest person and cannot bear subterfuge or deceit. This is the most sensible thing you've said so far.... Any advice would be very gratefully received! .....apart from this. So I'll give you my advice. He has to prove himself long-term as trustworthy, and make sure he doesn't hurt you in the same way a second time - and if needs be, you both need to attend counselling to avoid future pitfalls. Just my advice, FWIW.
Author Sari Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Haha, even though your advice is very candid Geisha I still appreciate it, any port in a storm and all that...! When I say he treated me like a queen for the most part of our relationship (which is actually shocking grammar but hey-ho!), I mean he treated me like a queen throughout the whole relationship. It was at the end when he started acting like a c*ck. For 3 years though he loved and supported me, was my absolute rock, best friend and confidante, never judged me, helped me through some incredibly dark times. I honestly cannot fault his behaviour until the last couple of months. I really can't call him a love-rat either, well not my definition of it. You can hate someone for falling out of love with you and breaking your heart, but it is not a correct hate, it is unfair and subjective. If someone cheats on you or treats you shabbily for a lengthy period of time, then you have reason and right to hate them. I did and still do hate him for putting me through all this, but he has treated me with respect and love for 99% of our time together, and the 1% is the times when he started getting drunk and staying out late at the end, which was admittedly sh*tty. Therefore my hatred of him is unjust. IMO of course. Also I am not perfect and he was a much better bf to me than I was a gf to him - I am horrific to date - needy, bratty, demanding, fickle - though I am working on it. I did tell him that if we were to get back together he would have to attend counselling, and that I was disgusted at how weak he was running away from us and our problems when I had made the choice to be strong and commit to him, and how hurt and betrayed I feel. I will pull no punches with him, I have always been honest almost to a fault with him as this is what I expect from a good relationship. I asked him to think seriously about what he wants and to consider the amount of effort he would be willing to put in to the relationship, and where it would be heading. I have not just blindly given him an ecstatic "yes!" in response, my eyes are open. I am currently receiving therapy so will obviously discuss this with my counsellor. The other guy issue though, this is messing with my head. I have strong ideas about commitment and believe it's wrong to be in a relationship when you have feelings for someone else, and I do. I guess I need a lot of time to think.
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