maya.arrow Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 hello--i am new here, but found my way to this forum in searching for an answer to a specific problem i have with my boyfriend. i hope some of you might be able to give me advice...as i am tearing myself apart with this. a brief background--i am in my early 30s, my boyfriend is in his early 20s, and although i am quite a bit older, he is unusually mature for his age and mainly has older friends, etc. although most of my boyfriends have been older than me and i was worried about the age difference, i think i have finally found the man of my dreams. he is brilliant, extremely wise, sensitive, loving, funny...pretty much everything i have been looking for. i feel incredibly lucky to have found a true soul mate. the relationship is quite passionate, and we are very much in love. the problem is, his work is extremely demanding and tiring and he often has a lot of pressure on him. he works sometimes 12 hours a day. this has not changed since we first met. he is a peaceful person though, and although it wears on him, he is quite good about managing his stress. we have been together for nearly 8 months, and have had quite an intense sex life until recently. we had sex about 4 -5 times a week and it is usually amazing. we are equal in initiating sex and we have told each other that we both feel really open and free with each other sexually. i think we both feel more sexually uninhibited than we have ever had in our lives. i know that it is the best sex i have ever had for sure. BUT--i think i may have ruined it! the past couple weeks, the bf has been rather tired because he has an important deadline at the end of the month. because of this--i think--i have been initiating most of the sex lately. during the week, i found him responsive, but with a lack of energy. then on the weekend, when we usually have sex at least once or twice a day, i would find that he would initiate maybe on the friday, and we would have amazing sex, and then would not have sex for the rest of the weekend. i KNOW he has been tired, but he has had deadlines before and still would be really into sex. because of this, i started to get insecure, and started to feel rejected, and it made me feel really sad around him. he noticed this of course, and asked me about it. at first, i had a hard time telling him what was wrong. even though i have been really open with him sexually...i was in a really abusive relationship before him, where sex was one way in which i felt manipulated. my last bf would sometimes reject my advances outright, and this has led to an extreme vulnerability with rejection. i finally found the courage to tell my boyfriend this, as well as saying that i feel like i have been initiating sex a lot lately...and that i was afraid that he was not as into me sexually anymore. my bf was very lovely about it, told me that was absolutely not true--that he was simply tired--but that also WHEN he was tired, he really enjoyed me being the aggressor. that made me feel much better. but THEN, that very night, we were kissing in bed, which led both of us to become aroused, and i went down and started sucking him. he was erect, but not as hard as usual, and in the midst of it all, he suddenly stopped me, held me, and said, "oh baby, i think the talk is too fresh in my mind and it's making me self-concious! it's not you, it's me...and once i start thinking too much, i can't stay in the mood." my reaction to this was really kind of extreme. i flashed back to my abusive relationship and immediately crashed...i was devastated and convinced he just didn't want me anymore. my bf saw this reaction, and consequently felt more horrible and upset. we talked about it the very next day and i apologized for making such a big deal out of something that was also a point of vulnerability for him. we had a really good talk and reaffirmed that we love each other very much. BUT--ever since then, and it has been a couple days, my bf seems to shy away from anything sexual with me. he is still very affectionate and loving, but seems to try and avoid sex. i am afraid that the pressure of our talks has caused him to become too self-conscious to really let himself go and enjoy it!!! i feel terribly that i put that pressure on him, and now feel like i shouldn't initiate sex or else cause him more pressure!! all i can think to do is back off for now and just wait until it passes...but i wish i knew what is going through his mind. i think any more talk would probably just make it worse right now. any thoughts?
carhill Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 i feel like i have been initiating sex a lot lately...and that i was afraid that he was not as into me sexually anymore. my bf was very lovely about it, told me that was absolutely not true--that he was simply tired--but that also WHEN he was tired, he really enjoyed me being the aggressor. that made me feel much better. and i feel terribly that i put that pressure on him, and now feel like i shouldn't initiate sex or else cause him more pressure!! all i can think to do is back off for now and just wait until it passes...but i wish i knew what is going through his mind. IMO, go with what you know to be his truth. You are aware, as an older woman, that such issues do go along with the benefits of being with a driven man. He's likely not going to change in that regard. His brain will be "running" a lot. IMO, you're going to have to be willing to be flexible as well as work on your insecurities and be a strong woman for him. He does sound pretty mature in his communication style and self-awareness. TBH, when I was in my 20's, I was working 16 hours a day building a business and had no time for a relationship. No way would I have been able to give someone I loved the time and energy she deserved. A primary relationship should be job one, ahead of everything. It's a choice one makes. It's not required in life. I saw that reality and chose to make work job one. The trick for your man is to balance his choices and to make you feel like you're the priority. I see that looming. Best wishes!
norajane Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Plan something silly and fun for the two of you to do to blow off some steam and lighten the mood. Go find some bumper cars to play on this weekend, or miniature golf, or a video game tournament, or anything silly and fun. This will blow over in a few days, and I'm sure things will improve greatly once his deadline is over. Relax. You haven't done any permanent damage - you're both just super-sensitive right now in the wake of your emotionally heavy discussions.
malibustacydoll Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I am facing a similiar situation right now with my boyfriend. We have had a lot of talks lately about the lack of sex we have been having. We had sex on Sunday but before that we hadn't since the previous Saturday. He doesn't intiate it much anymore either. It always makes me wonder as well if he is no longer attracted to me. Maybe you should at this point not intiate it and wait for him to do so. I think you will be fine after a week or so. It is probably just fresh on his mind and is another stress he has now. It kind of ruins it when you have to think about having it just because you feel like you should. My boyfriend is 23 and I feel like he should be wanting it all the time but since he isn't then I automatically feel like something is wrong with me. Now that he knows this I think he is more insecure about intiating. It is a horrible cycle.
Author maya.arrow Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 thank you so much...what a wonderful forum! i am happy to report that my bf initiated sex last night, and it was wonderful. i think it IS something that will blow over after all. he always makes me feel beautiful--and tells me that i am beautiful all the time--that i don't know why i go through these stupid insecure panic attacks sometimes. carhill--thank you for reminding me that i need to be a strong woman for him. he is so good at taking care of me (even for such a younger man!) that i think i get lazy about controlling my emotions sometimes. norajane--thank you too! we are good at being silly together...i should really relax and enjoy it. stacydoll--i hope things work out for you too! i guess i am finding that not all young men in their early 20s are gagging for sex all the time. i guess i have also learned to not make every issue about me. i felt bad when i reacted so negatively to my boyfriend losing his hard-on...i think if i had just smiled, kissed him, and said--"don't worry, baby. i'll play with you again tomorrow.." he would have been so much happier and relieved. instead, i went into this downward spiral of--you must not want me! and i think it just made it worse. thank you ALL!!!
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 ......My boyfriend is 23 and I feel like he should be wanting it all the time but since he isn't then I automatically feel like something is wrong with me. Now that he knows this I think he is more insecure about intiating. It is a horrible cycle. Aaaah. Thank you for being open, and sharing.
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