ShoeGirl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I hung out with this guy quite a bit a few months ago, we sort of dated but it wasn't anything serious. I was out of town a lot but when I was here we saw each other 3-4 times a week. Whatever was going on ended because of a misunderstanding and bad timing, but we still talk, we still hang out at the same bar. He started dating someone pretty seriously in September, she lives with him... not because they were ready to move in together but because she didn't have anywhere to live. The first night he brought her into the bar he got drunk and told me he still loved me. She got mad and has hated me ever since... rightfully so. I have stopped going in there when I know that they will both be in there even though there is a Sunday night tradition that him and I started there I have stopped going regularly to avoid the whole situation. I was bored last night and decided to go in there, apparently she has stopped coming in after I stopped coming because she didn't feel threatened if I wasn't there. She called 4-5 times to make sure that he was still there and that I wasn't there, everyone knows the situation so everyone said I wasn't there at his request. Apparently she calls every Sunday and asks if I am there even though I haven't been there for 2 months at least. He got drunk and pulled me aside and told me that dating her is a mistake, that he wishes he would have known that I wasn't avoiding him before he started dating her, that he still loves me, etc. I don't even know how to respond, I feel like I can't go in there because I am not supposed to be there. It's a bar I should be allowed to go there if I want to.
Citizen Erased Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 If you go there be aware that means she will probably start showing up again. You will have to deal with her face to face if she is the aggresive sort. I wouldn't get too caught up in this. He's miserable but they live together so that creates all sorts of problems he probably won't want to deal with anytime soon.
zenith Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 screw that... you can still go to the bar and drink there but don't try to get back with him.... not worth it
AlektraClementine Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I'll say this gently as gently as possible. I don't think it's a good idea to be talking so much about a girl you don't know. You are not in her situation. You aren't the one living with him while he runs around bars drunkenly professing love to other women. Must suck to ber her. I advise that you be careful how much you judge her behavior. Even if it is a bit paranoid. Why are you wasting your time on a man who would profess love to one girl while living with another?
AlektraClementine Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 oh but to answer your actual questions, the bar is a public place. Go in if you want but careful how much talking you do about her. Avoid the subject as much as possible. I think if you were in her shoes, you'd appreciate that. And stay away from Mr. lover man!
Geishawhelk Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I wouldn't stop going there. It's a ridiculous restriction and to be honest, it's her problem and his. They shouldn't make it yours. Stay in public view. If he sidles up to you in a drunken stupor again, make sure others can hear you when you turn on him and tell him to back off. Point out he's drunk, and he should be ashamed of himself. Tell him to go home and reassure the girlfreind he has made insecure. It's not your problem, and you don't want to either know, or be caught up in it. If he breaks up with her, that's his decision. But don't expect you to be there waiting, when it happens. And go back to your club soda, spritz of lemon, no ice.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Go there. What is the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen... well if she were to show up and I was there and everyone all of his and my friends had been telling her that I wasn't there all night but I was what is she going to think... I knew that wasn't a good idea luckily she didn't come in, at least not while I was still there. If you go there be aware that means she will probably start showing up again. You will have to deal with her face to face if she is the aggresive sort. I wouldn't get too caught up in this. He's miserable but they live together so that creates all sorts of problems he probably won't want to deal with anytime soon. She is the aggressive sort, especially when she is drinking, I have already had to deal with her. I don't want to again. I don't want to get caught up in this I just hate that I can't go hang out there when they are there... and apparently it's not a good idea when he is there without her either. screw that... you can still go to the bar and drink there but don't try to get back with him.... not worth it I am not going to get back with him and I am not getting in the middle of this.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 I'll say this gently as gently as possible. I don't think it's a good idea to be talking so much about a girl you don't know. You are not in her situation. You aren't the one living with him while he runs around bars drunkenly professing love to other women. Must suck to ber her. I advise that you be careful how much you judge her behavior. Even if it is a bit paranoid. Why are you wasting your time on a man who would profess love to one girl while living with another? I don't think I said anything too bad, she has cornered me in a bathroom and threatened me, she has confronted me several times all over what her boyfriend said in front of several people when he was drunk. I have tried to tell her that I am not a threat as far as I am concerned, I was dating someone else when that happened. I know why she is insecure, I get that. I am not wasting my time on him, I don't want to be with him, I am just irritated that because of this whole situation I can no longer go hang out at this bar with all of my friends. oh but to answer your actual questions, the bar is a public place. Go in if you want but careful how much talking you do about her. Avoid the subject as much as possible. I think if you were in her shoes, you'd appreciate that. And stay away from Mr. lover man! I don't talk about this at all while I am there, there is a reason I am posting about it here. I wouldn't stop going there. It's a ridiculous restriction and to be honest, it's her problem and his. They shouldn't make it yours. Stay in public view. If he sidles up to you in a drunken stupor again, make sure others can hear you when you turn on him and tell him to back off. Point out he's drunk, and he should be ashamed of himself. Tell him to go home and reassure the girlfreind he has made insecure. It's not your problem, and you don't want to either know, or be caught up in it. If he breaks up with her, that's his decision. But don't expect you to be there waiting, when it happens. And go back to your club soda, spritz of lemon, no ice. I have told him to back off, to stop talking about it, etc. I told him that he chose to be with her and that was his choice. To be honest if he were to break up with her right now or even a month from now and I am completely single at the moment I don't think I would go back there. I hope you meant to include some vodka in that drink of mine
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Well, ordinarily maybe - but drink and anger don't mix well.....
AlektraClementine Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 "He started dating someone pretty seriously in September, she lives with him... not because they were ready to move in together but because she didn't have anywhere to live." This is the statement that caught my attention. Why do you feel the need to point this out? It's an unnecessary piece of information unless you are trying to justify the idea that they don't have a solid and loving foundation. I probably sound like I'm picking on you. I'm not. And when you describe her drunken behavior, I can totally understand and have met similar women in my lifetime. Thing is though, he did something totally inappropriate and very damaging to this girl's feelings. I am only suggesting a little more empathy for her. As far as going into the bar? I agree that you should be able to go. You are the one that decided not to go. I suspect that you made that decision as much for your own comfort as you did theirs. But by no means are you under any obligation to not patronize any public place. If this girl is menacing or threatening to you in any way, you can certainly do something about that. Or have someone else do it.
prettybaby Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 He sure sounds like a winner Logically, I'd say you have every right to still go there, but the situation is indeed tricky. I'd personally feel like it wouldn't be worth the headache at all. Can't you and your friends find another bar to hang out?
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 Well, ordinarily maybe - but drink and anger don't mix well..... That's a good point, I'll just take a little vodka then "He started dating someone pretty seriously in September, she lives with him... not because they were ready to move in together but because she didn't have anywhere to live." This is the statement that caught my attention. Why do you feel the need to point this out? It's an unnecessary piece of information unless you are trying to justify the idea that they don't have a solid and loving foundation. I probably sound like I'm picking on you. I'm not. And when you describe her drunken behavior, I can totally understand and have met similar women in my lifetime. Thing is though, he did something totally inappropriate and very damaging to this girl's feelings. I am only suggesting a little more empathy for her. As far as going into the bar? I agree that you should be able to go. You are the one that decided not to go. I suspect that you made that decision as much for your own comfort as you did theirs. But by no means are you under any obligation to not patronize any public place. If this girl is menacing or threatening to you in any way, you can certainly do something about that. Or have someone else do it. I was just pointing out that they have an odd relationship. I probably didn't need to point that out, it also makes more sense why she is calling there checking up on him all night, if they didn't live together she wouldn't necessarily know that he was there all night. I do have some empathy for her, maybe not as much as I should, I have tried to and it's had when she treats me the way she does. I have tried to tell her that I get why she hates me but that she shouldn't see me as a threat, she still treats me the same, still threatens me. I don't think her threats are serious, if I did I would do something about it. I don't know a whole lot about their relationship and honestly I don't want to. I know what he has told me and what our other friends have told me. I did make the decision not to go in there for my own comfort, I just hate it, a lot of my friends are there and I want to be there too but I hate being there when I feel like there is one person in particular who wants me dead. He sure sounds like a winner Logically, I'd say you have every right to still go there, but the situation is indeed tricky. I'd personally feel like it wouldn't be worth the headache at all. Can't you and your friends find another bar to hang out? He is not so bad, I still wouldn't go back there. He is a good guy I think he is pretty messed up right now. The problem is most of my friends work there, we all drink basically for free there, he drinks pretty much for free there, no one wants to go any where else on a regular basis. We all have too much fun there, we all run that place.
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 How does it stay afloat if the drinks are free....?? :confused: Every town on the map should have a 'Cheers' bar! (sorry. OT.) Are you actually any closer to finding a solution? What's happened since you began this thread? been back yet??
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 How does it stay afloat if the drinks are free....?? :confused: Every town on the map should have a 'Cheers' bar! (sorry. OT.) Are you actually any closer to finding a solution? What's happened since you began this thread? been back yet?? Not everyone in the bar gets free drinks, all of us don't get free drinks but I can go in there for a night, have dinner (a good burger and fries) and several drinks, a few shots, etc. be there for anywhere between 3 and 8 hours and pay for all of my own drinks and leave with paying a $15-30 tab plus a tip... which I tip generously in cash. There are about 20 of us, all of the bartenders and their good friends that get this treatment. Everyone else pays full price, the bar is doing just fine. I have decided that I don't need to go down there on Sunday nights that often and I won't unless there are certain other people there who help distract from the situation... a few good friends that this guy knows better than to act like this in front of and if they aren't going to be there I won't go. I hate that it's going to have to be that way but right now it obviously needs to be like that. As for the rest of the week I can go in there, I can be in there even if they both are because it doesn't revolve around the game night that him and I set up therefore I can be on the other side of the bar and there is a good chance that they won't even know that I am there. I have been back in there, he was not there, I was there for dinner and a drink after work on Tuesday. I might go down there tonight, he will be there, I don't know if she will or not. He is working, according to another bartender she has been driving him to work and dropping him off then coming back to get him or sitting there during his shift so she can keep track of him, I am not saying that is the reason that is what she told several other bartenders there. It's going to be hard for me not to go down there on Sunday because Monday is a holiday and I won't care about drinking too much playing all of the drinking games. I will even walk down there so that I have to walk home. I just need to decide if it's worth going and if other people are going to be there.
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