My Situation (A long post)

[willow_grace]

Hi, I'm new here and was just looking for a place to post my situation and hopefully receive some feedback/support. I would like to appologize in advance for this being so long. My situation is a bit different and I'll try my best to explain it.

 

It all started months ago.....I met this wonderful man on a Christian singles site. He had received a free week trial membership to the site. I was already a paying member and decided to log on one night to the sites chat room for some support because I had just lost my job that same day and was feeling pretty depressed. It just so happened that the very night I logged on was his last night of the free week membership he had received. We almost missed each other. There he was ready and more than willing to help cheer me up and I will never forget that night. We talked for hours, and it felt like I had known him for years. I just can't explain it. We both felt that somehow we were brought together for a reason.

 

Months go by and we grew closer and closer. We talked every single night for hours on end about everything and nothing. We shared so much, cried together, laughed together, cheered each other up and got each other through some really rough times. He became a very big part of my life. I found myself at times rushing to get home so that I could call Eric and tell him all about my day. We so looked forward to our talks. Over time we fell in love with each other. He first told me he loved me over the phone and it literally took my breath away. I had fallen so in love with this man and to finally hear those words were simply magical!!

 

It was very difficult for us because there was distance involved. I lived in South carolina and he lived over 600 miles away in New Jersey. We were both afraid to get into anything serious because we lived so far away but we both knew it was far too late because we had already fallen deeply in love with each other. This turned into a very serious emotional relationship. I know some people may question how could this even be considered a relationship when you live so far away and have never met in person? How can you claim to love someone who you have only talked to? I can't answer those questions but I do know we both felt it and couldn't deny our feelings. We even began to talk about the future......things like what if we met and fell even more in love with each other, what if over time we moved to be near each other. We talked about years down the road.....marriage, family, what we both wanted in life etc... There was alot of talk and we grew to know each other better than most people did. We became so much more than just two people who were in love, we were best friends and we both agreed that there was no one else for us.

 

We began to make plans to meet. It was so hard being apart and we both knew we had to meet soon so it was determined that in November he would fly out to meet me and spend a few days here with me. I was completely overjoyed!!! At last I was finally going to meet this incredible man after almost a year of talking and getting to know him. The hard part now was waiting for November to finally arrive because it was still several months away.

 

This is where things started to go downhill. Something just wasn't right. Eric wasn't acting the same. A few days prior I created a new myspace page and sent him a friend request but he would never add me. I found this to be strange so I confronted him about it. He used every excuse in the book as to why he didn't add me.....oh I never got your request, I think myspace is so silly and I'm thinking about deleting my page soon anyway etc... Excuses after excuses and I knew something was up. I even went as far to ask him was there something or someone on his page that he didn't want me to see? Was he hiding something? Of course he would always deny it. It was useless to try to get any answers out of him so I took matters into my own hands.

 

I couldn't shake this feeling that something wasn't right and he just wasn't telling me everything so against my better judgement I figure out his password to his page which wasn't too difficult and get logged on. What I found crushed my heart and made me wish I would have just left it alone. There were these pictures....tons and tons of pictures of this woman, the same woman who was his top friend on his friends list. I found pictures of her and pictures of the two of them together. I noticed his relationship status read in a relationship. Oh I felt so sick. Then I read all the comments she left him and I went to her page and read the comments he left her. This is the part that hurt me the most. We had special little nicknames we would call each other. My nickname was now being used on her. I used to send him cards with special little love messages in them that I wrote from my heart. He coppied these messages and left them as comments to her on her page. I was so hurt!! I coudln't stop shaking. The tears began to flow uncontrolably. This all happened on September 25th, just a little over a month before we were to meet.

 

Needless to say we never ended up meeting. I told him everything and how much this had hurt me. I kept asking him why? If he didn't love me why didn't he just say so? The worse part is this woman only lived 45 minutes away from him instead of 600 miles so they were able to actually see each other. They started seeing each other about 3 months before Eric and I were suppose to meet. Eric appologized to me and said he just couldn't take the distance and wished so badly I lived closer to him. He needed the physical part of the relationship along with the emotional part. All this time he was telling me how it was worth the wait to be with me, how there was no one else and never could be. It hurt me so deeply because here they were able to touch, hold, go out, spend time with each other.....all the things we always talked about someday getting the chance to do. He said he didn't want to lose me as a friend but knew he had hurt me and said he understood if I couldn't handle it. We tried the friends thing which only lasted a couple days before I told him I couldn't take it anymore. It devastated me too much to talk to him like a friend when my feelings for him were so much stronger and knowing he was seeing this other woman.

 

I spent some time not talking to him for awhile, trying to clear my head etc.. That lasted for about a month then we got back in touch. I missed not talking to him and he called me saying he missed me as well. From then on we talked strictly as friends. Even though my feelings for him were still as strong as ever, talking to him as a friend was so much better than not talking to him at all. Time went on and they eventually moved in with each other. This about broke me! That used to be our dream....getting a place together. He began to talk to me less and less as his relationship with this woman progressed. I was so heartbroken. I felt like I had lost my best friend. I didn't contact him anymore either. After awhile the pain of losing him started to fade. I still thought of him every single day but the wounds weren't as fresh. I began to move on with my life and accepted the fact that I had lost him forever.

 

Then one day out of the blue he contacts me all upset and crying. It broke my heart to hear him like this. He still obviously after all this time had that effect over me. He told me there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about me. He told me he wished more than anything he would have just came down here in November to see me and that he regrets everyday for letting me go. He goes on to mention how I have been the only girl for him all along and the one he loves and he is so sorry for just now realizing it. He appologized for hurting me so badly and said ever since we stopped talking his life has gone downhill and he has missed me terribly. Then he goes on to say how this girl lied to him. She told him she was a Christian but leads a completely different lifestyle. This is a quality that is very important to him. He is finding all of this out and is now stuck living with a non christian woman. I say stuck because he has no place else to go at the moment. Right now he is trying to find another job and save up enough so he can move out. He is basically stuck lying to this woman just so he can have a place to stay. He kept telling me I screwed up I screwed up, i'm so sorry.

 

He told me he quit talking to me for awhile because he really wanted to see if things could work between him and this girl but he isn't happy. He is just waiting until he can get out. Once we are both settled he said he wants to try again to fly out here so we can finally meet for real this time. He appologized for being such a fool. Told me I have been the only one in his heart all this time and that someday he promised me we would be together. At this point we were both crying. I decided to give him another chance because I still loved him so much. All the memories and feelings we shared for one another came rushing back. He told me he thought things would feel strange between us but it was just like old times to him. He even added me to his myspace which a couple days later this girl logs on to his account because she had access and deletes me. He said they got into a big argument over that as well but that he didn't care. He added me again and then changed his password. He is lying to her and telling her I'm just a friend.

 

I never thought I would be in this position but I guess I'm considered the OW now since he is still living with this girl. It hurts me to think of it this way but still well worth it if it means someday we will be together. Things are so wonderful between us now. We are back to trying to talk everyday. He tells me he loves me and still tells me how sorry he is everyday that he screwed up and now is in this situation. But he still promises that one day without a doubt we will be together. So I am just waiting on that day. Yes I am scared because I don't know what the future holds and so afraid of getting hurt again. I know that is a real possibility. I know nothing is for certain and things change but I can't deny my feelings for him and I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't at least give this a chance. I feel terrible that I'm even allowing myself to be this OW, to have an emotional relationship with this man while he is living with this girl. He tries to talk to me whenever he can when she isn't around. It's hard sometimes but I have hope. I understand my situation is a little different since it is basically an online long distance one but it is what it is. I also understand that this is probably going to sound ridiculous to alot of you but I didn't know where else to go. I have struggled with this so and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for this man. I love him with all of my heart. I just wish we could be together already

 

I'm so sorry for the length of this post. But it helped me tremendously just to write it out even if no one takes the time to read it. This has been very difficult for me. I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation or if anyone has any advice for me. I could really use some. Thank you all so much!

[bentnotbroken]

Did you say this is a Christian web site?

[willow_grace]

Yes I met him on a christian website. Christianmingle.com

[NoIDidn't]

Is it possible that he was using HER nickname on YOU? Considering you didn't know about her and he's locking you out of his life with her on myspace.

 

I couldn't read the rest of it right now as it really is unbelievably long. Maybe if you gave a "reader's digest" version, you might get more hits and thus, more advice.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Willow,

I am sorry you are going through so much pain and anguish over this man. I know you must be hurting and feeling quite confused.

 

This guy is bad news on so many levels. First off, I would say that he's an infatuation junkie. He meets you online, gets in a VERY serious stage of your relationship before even meeting. And then he gets in a VERY serious relationship with another woman, so much that they move in together. Once the newness wears off from living with this woman, he's back on the phone with you trying to drum up all the drama and passion that you two had been experiencing from earlier.

 

Okay, realize that he was lying to you and to her (by not revealing that he had other serious relationships). He does not admit to his lie to you until you log into his Myspace page. He probably didn't tell his live-in GF about YOU until she sees you on his Myspace page. And realize too that when you caught him in the lie, he probably mitigated damages by saying that he JUST met her and they were moving in together. There could be a real possibility that they were living together for x years, and he just gave you the lie that they'd just met, so that you'd be less mad.

 

The other thing is that both of you allowed this relationship to go from flirting to over-your-head-serious without meeting in person. This is a very bad idea because the infatuation stage and the illusions that go along with infatuation are artificially extended and distorted. So, you're basically ready to label this lying man who you've never seen in person the love of your life without having any reality to base that on.

 

Take a good, hard look at what you're doing. You are projecting your wishes on him. There are so many blanks and you're filling in the blanks with nothing but good.

 

Okay, this may be the greatest guy in the world (though his track record so far is looking pretty grim). But until you KNOW him on a normal level, you just don't KNOW him, do you. He could be the greatest. Or he could be highly neurotic, a clutter hound, an ex-con, suffering from nasty body odor...the list goes on. You just don't know until you meet someone and get to know them really well. And in my experience, there are alot more men out there that don't fit me compared to the very few that do. So what are the chances, really honestly, that he fits into this illusion you've created about him?

 

You made the mistake of letting things get too serious without meeting him. But then you made mistake #2 by allowing him back into your life after hosing things up so badly with this other woman.

 

Find the strength to let this one go. Really, you will be grateful later that you did.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

--LG.

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for that digest, LG. I didn't see where she was conducting the *R* over the internet.

 

A family member of mine was badly burned by an internet romance. I do NOT recommend them.

[Holding-On]

Let me ask it this way...

 

What do you really truly think would happen if you just up and showed up on his doorstep?

 

He had the option to turn you into a reality from the online/everyday phone conversation fantasy and chose not to. Why do you think he did not? Why do you think he does not?

 

Why do you think he prefers to keep your relationship from becoming a reality?

 

Although my first meeting with my husband was in person, we lived over 2000 miles apart. After spending only one weekend together, I truly did not think that we would likely speak to each other again. He did not even have a personal phone at that time. The lengths he went to, including getting a job to be closer to me and driving 10 hours sometimes through dangerous weather to see me on at least a monthly basis all while making extremely little money spoke volumes about how important I was to him.

 

My husband told me he felt I was the one he wanted to marry soon after that weekend we met also but he followed through with his actions.

 

 

 

Think about how your long distance fellow is treating this woman he is living with. Do you really want to be that woman?

[LavendarGirl]

Thanks for that digest, LG. I didn't see where she was conducting the *R* over the internet.

 

A family member of mine was badly burned by an internet romance. I do NOT recommend them.

 

Reminds me, NID, of a friend of mine. She was recently separated, and got into a hot/heavy Internet R with a man who lived 2,000 miles away. After about 6 months of this, he came to visit her. She was already long hooked on this man. He encouraged her to move to his hometown, even helped her to get a job. She moved herself and her daughter to be with him. But once there, things were weird. She followed him home one day, and discovered he was actually married (forgot to ever mention that little tidbit). The R fell apart, and so did she.

 

The only good that came of it was that she and her sH got back together, and they both have good jobs now in their new home. But she was a wreck for a very long time. This was maybe 10 years ago, and I'd say she's still licking her wounds.

 

This Internet man of hers only told her what he wanted her to hear. It's easy to fabricate the truth this way. So, beware!!!

[jwi71]

In sum,

 

You met online. You clicked. It was perfect.

You talked about arranging a meeting and he agreed.

Before actually meeting you added him to your friends list but he refused.

Suspicious, you hacked his account and discovered another girl.

He was passing on "lines" from you to him as his own "lines" to her.

He then moved in with this girl.

He called you saying it was horrid and he wants you. They still live together.

You believed him.

 

Well, after all the lies and deceit what on Earth makes you think he is honest now?

Did he ever add you to his friends list?

 

Willow, nothing about this is good. Nowhere has he been honest. You have ALWAYS been the OW and you deserve better than that.

 

My advice is to simply walk away. But, if you choose to pursue this R with him, I would ask you to remember one word "Verification". Verify everything he says and does considering his past and that his behavior is consistent with cheating. If he cheats on her with you....

[honour and trust]

I understand that you feel its worth waiting for this guy, with that being said, wait until he's in a healthy, stable and honest relationship with HIMSELF before moving forward. He's still lying to you and to her.

If he wasn't then he'd admit on MySpace and everywhere else the true relationship the both of you have. When he's truely single and without the support of this ex, then take it to another level. Right now your too focused on being in love and him coming back to realize what type a man he is. Just do yourself a favor and wait for him to get it together. If you don't, read some of the OW/OM posts and see what you'll end up with.

 

Pray about it.

[Lucky_One]

He thinks being a Christian is important?

 

Then why is he lying to this woman and lying to you? And why are you, as a self-proclaimed Christian, participating in an affair that you know in your heart is wrong?

 

If this dude thinks that Jesus would be applauding him, he's got another think coming.

[willow_grace]

Thanks guys for your advice!! After reading the comments and re-reading my post I see how I have made some very foolish decisions. It's tough because I really do love this man but I understand that the situation isn't a good one. Yes I made the mistake of rushing into things before even meeting this guy. I got too attatched. NOT GOOD!! The other day I called Eric back after we had gotten disconnected and his girlfriend answered. I hung up immediately because I wasn't expecting her to answer and because I didn't have anythig to say to her. At that moment I asked myself what the heck am I doing? I need to end this now. He is involved with someone now. He made his choice so I'm just going to back off. If in time he does ever leave this woman and decides he wants to make it work between us. Then and only then will I consider it. Right now, as much as I love him, I don't want that guilt hanging over my head. This hurts so bad right now, but I know it's for the best.

[Zab]

You never slept with him. In fact you were a victim. You are NOT an other woman. You are a woman that was taken advantage of but was smart enough to stop it before you were compromised.

 

It is safe to go back to jesus now.

 

-Z

[frannie]

I met this wonderful man on a Christian singles site.

 

...I had just lost my job that same day and was feeling pretty depressed.

 

...We shared so much, cried together, laughed together, cheered each other up and got each other through some really rough times. He became a very big part of my life.

 

Then this 'wonderful man' who met you while you were depressed and knew you were vulnerable and going through rough times, basically led you on with talk of the future, marriage, kids, and told you he loved you promised there was no one else, even when asked directly.

 

That's not very 'wonderful' at all, is it? He's not worth it. He has no excuses, he wasn't married, he was dating someone else while leading you on. Argh. Please don't wait for him and don't pine. I know it's hard. I met my MM online and we only talked for a year, I know its easy to get emotionally-attached to people online, in fact possibly easier than it is 'in real life', so I know where you're coming from.

 

But this man doesn't deserve your attention, from what I've seen.