Butterfly01 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I need advice. I think I know what it's going to be, but I'll asky anyway. Oh and just a warning -- I come out as an absolutely pathetic human being -- I acknowledge this. After 6 years (the first 4 as best friends then 2 as a couple), my ex decides that he is tired of being in a realtionship, having to think of someone else all the time, that he needs to be by himself and that we should go back to being "friends". We had an mazing time together, we rarely fought, spent all our time together, holidays, vacations and every weekend either I would to to his place or he would come to mine -- we were always there for one another, are both affectionate people, liked the same things, etc. We were so much in love and I thought life was perfect. I love him more than I've loved anyone -- I would do anything for him. So this came completely out of the blue for me. I thought this was phase -- an early "7 years itch", so I agreed, and we went on as friends -- we would still talk on the phone every night for hours, did things together, etc. Then about a month ago, he met an old college friend and according to him they hit it off like no time had ever passed. Within a week he was dating her exculsively. WTF! And when I asked him about the "I need to be by myself" statement, he said he couldn't explain it -- that there was something between them that he had to pursue. But he assured me that he still cares about me and that we would still be friends, continue talking, etc. So (here's where the pathetic part starts) I agree to this -- even though I still love him and that it is killing me inside, but I agree. So, I continue on with my daily emails to say goodnight, I still call him but scale back to every other day. I try and keep things light and funny even though I am dying inside. But the responses are getting less and less now. He barely returns my calls or emails, and when he does it's like he is being overly generic. He is a loving, caring man and it's like he is intentionally acting like a stranger. The thing is, I'm doing all this because I'm afraid to lose him completely -- it terrifies me. He has been the center of my world for so long, I can't imagine life without him. I need him. And I thought that if I agreed to be friends he would stay -- but he's not -- he's drifting away and there is nothig I can do about it. I'm afraid to go NC becuase if I do, I will never speak to him again -- he will forget me -- forget what we meant to one another. How can he do that? Just forget about me after all we have gone through and meant to one another? Ugh, I feel like crap -- I think about him all the time. I know I should just move on, but I can't -- something inside is making me to hang on. I am coming across a needy and that is so not me. I am becoming someone who I don't know anymore -- I am sad all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat, my work is suffering because I can't concentrate. I am settling for scraps, I know this -- BUT I JUST CAN'T LET GO OF HIM! I keep thinking back to when we were happy, all the memories we have. What is wrong with me?
Blessings Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 that is exactly how i felt..untill one day he did drift away
You'reasian Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 You guys should talk this over and you should express your feelings for him. He will listen.
PinkToes Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Been there, done that, card-carrying member of "Pathetics-R-Us." I hung on too long after a breakup once, settled for being friends because the alternative just seemed too horrible and frightening. Now I can see how that's not the best idea, but at the time, it was all I could do. And although it probably slowed my recovery quite a bit, I got through it eventually, and you will too. Everyone heals in different ways, and at a different pace. And some of the steps are easier to take than others. Your head may know exactly what to do, before your heart is ready to listen. I think that's pretty typical. But one thing I would try to do is go easy on the obsessive thoughts. That's a step you can take, with a little effort. What I finally figured out for myself is that I don't have to fully entertain every thought that comes into my head. I used to always think that when something -- anything -- came to mind about an ex, I had to break out the clam dip & the nice dishes and see it through to the very end. But, that really doesn't get you anywhere, except stuck in the same painful train of thought. Others on this forum have talked about replacing those thoughts with something more pleasant, and that's a great idea. Sometimes what I will do is say to myself, "I don't need to think about that right now." Sometimes it helps just to give myself permission to stay off that track. I can understand your fears about going NC, I've been there too. But the thing is, if you two belong together, NC won't keep that from happening. But it will give your emotions a rest. If the thought of losing all contact with him forever sends you into a panic, don't even entertain that notion. Just avoid contact for today. And then tomorrow, make yourself that same promise. You don't need to cut him off forever, you just need a little space; a break in the intensity. The future will take care of itself. You will get through this, you will survive. And you're not pathetic. :-)
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