plshnw Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 So I am female and in my mid 30's. I am recently divorced, and I've had my eye on this guy for a while (yes, even before I was divorced). He is 40 and is divorced also. I have a few kids and so does he. We know each other through a mutual activity of our kids'. Since my divorce I have become a friend of his on Myspace. We have talked a few times on the phone. Each time he has been the one to make the call. The calls were not short simple little calls, but anywhere from half hour to two hour, in depth conversations. We also email on Myspace. Some of the emails have gotten pretty hot. The problem is, is that he is interested in a girl who is not interested in him. She is 12 years younger than him, and she has even told him that he is too old for her. To me, she seems to be using him. He does everything for her that she asks. She has him pick up her kid from the babysitter, he watches her kid over night if she has to work early in the morning (I don't think they have been romantic at all). He also takes her and her kid out on the weekends. When she does not have her child, she wants nothing to do with him. Over the weekend they went out, and she left early cause she wanted to go home and check her messages on a dating site. He does not know that I know any of this. I just happened to stumble in on an online conversation that he was having, so I saw all of it. I hinted around to him that I was there to listen if he needed someone to talk to, but he didn't respond. I know he needs someone to talk to, or else he wouldn't have spilled it all online. How can I get him to figure out that she is using him, and that I am interested in who he is, and not what he will do for me. Part of the problem may be that I am not a skinny, twenty some year old trophy. I am a little overweight, and am more his age. I thought guys were supposed to get over the superficial stuff in their 20's. I think he is truley a great guy that has his priorities mixed up. What to I do?
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Nothing. He's going through a 'stoopid' phase where he has a girl, young enough to be his daughter (ok, well you know what I mean) is massaging his ego, and he loves the flattery. You have no idea what they say to one another anywhere else, so this is mainly guesswork on your part. Some, at least..... Frankly, while his head is in rebound mode, and he's having his male ego stroked, you ain't gonna figure nowhere on his radar apart from as a fellow divorcee with kids, he happens to get on with.
Author plshnw Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 ok, now I have had two people, who don't even know each other, tell me that this girl is a total slut. Obviously I shouln't say anything to him, because he would hate the messenger, but, at the same time, I feel like, since I really care for this guy, I am not doing him any favors by shutting my mouth, just for him to get hurt. Maybe, if I told him that I know someone who knows her, and he asks, then I could say something. Anyone have any ideas/thoughts?
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Yes, ask what YOUR issue is with this, and what your motivation is? And be brutally honest with yourself. Because to be honest - this is none of your business. If your motives are completely and solely honourable, then ok. But if you are at all jealous - think again. It could backfire on you.
prettybaby Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Guys are visual creatures. Heck, even the guy I'm dating now; I know he loves my bubbly personality and we have a ton in common, but let's not kid ourselves: I'm way younger than he is and he finds me super attractive. I'm pretty sure that a woman with the exact same personality as me, but the same age as him, might have a smaller chance catching his attention. That being said, I don't think it's strictly about the age number itself. But more so the fact that most women in their late 30's/40's tend to have unsexy haircuts and unsexy outfits. So you can -and should- doll yourself up. Show the sexy in you! Of course I don't know you, and I don't know what you look like, how you dress yourself and what vibe you reflect, but in any case, make sure you don't get stuck in mom mode. If I were you, I would totally ignore the fact that she even exists. Don't mention her to him, and don't let her be the subject of your conversations. You shouldn't even try to get him to talk to you about her! That's a very bad move. If you want this guy's attention, make it all about YOU and you TWO. Make him forget she exists. Of course, it's not going to be a cake walk, and I'm not sure you'll actually be able to get him to really notice you as long as he's interested in her. So I also suggest you start dating other men. Make him realize that you're not just sitting around and being 100% available. I think this other chick scores a few extra points by not showing total availability; which you mentioned yourself. That makes her more valuable to any man.
BentSpine Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I thought guys were supposed to get over the superficial stuff in their 20's.This is probably true for some guys, but then again some men will never be able to respond to a woman with a spare tyre. Spare tyres doesn't make a bloke more attractive either.
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