hopethisworks Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I thought I would reach out and try to get a little advice on my situation. I dated a girl for two years, and just recently broke up around the beginning of december. The break up was more or less mutual with her being unsatisfied during the last couple months of dating, as well as me asking to have some space to deal with some personal issues. ( I was still dealing with the death of my father, however unfortunately I closed myself up to her, becasue I was having trouble dealing with it myself.) We had spent every single day together, as well as still work together. I felt like i needed the space initially to deal with my own problems. Over christmas break she visited her family out of state, and I stayed with mine. We had minimal contact over christmas break, but when we got back i attempted to contact her to talk about everything. I had written all of my thoughts and feelings and gave them to her in a letter. She became angry that this was what she wanted out of me the whole time, after a while of talking about things she told me that she was now talking to someone else. I ensured her that i never wanted to lose her, and that i felt like the break was great for me to deal with my own issues, as well as to see what i really wanted, and that was her in my life. Im pretty sure that this new guy is her roomates friend, and that he doesnt live anywhere close by and it was an outlet for her to deal with our breakup. After I found this out I was devasted, to think that she would give up on me. Her main doubt with me was that she wanted me to commit longterm to her, and she felt that I didnt express that to her like i should of. The next week at work, i was cordial, but did not instigate any other conversation. I gave it a week without calling her, until last night. I called her and asked if we could talk about everything. I told her that she was a huge part of my future, and that I had even had conversations in the past about a family with her. We talked for an hour or two face to face, and she said that she was still unsure if she wanted to give it another chance, cause she was not sure if I could change and give her what she wants. I had won her previously with persistence, but I dont know if its best that I keep being persistant to show her that i can, or if i should just give her her space and see if she ever comes around. Thanks for your help.
samspade Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 You are correct: Give her, and yourself, space. It seems like you were okay with the break up but are now afraid of losing her and also bothered that she found another guy. That sucks, but it may have been unavoidable. To me, the fact that she got angry with you after you wrote out a letter says that she was looking to find fault in you to give her a reason for breaking up (or maintaining the breakup). I am guessing, as is so often the case, that "more or less mutual" means the breakup was her idea. Not only that, but I think "long term commitment" was a smokescreen for whatever her real reasons were. Clearly you are telling her now that you are looking to commit (I want you in my life, have a family together, etc.) but that isn't changing her mind. At this point, harsh as it may sound, you've pretty much sold out to her. You've laid all your cards on the table, she no longer has to fight for you, and she is probably looking for a new challenge. So, the most you can do is give space and leave her alone.
CaliGuy Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Read my post on second chances somewhere. I think it's archived. It tells you exactly what you need to do. (And I think you're on the right path).
Jay34 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 hey Caliguy, where is that post ? i looked in the archive and couldnt' seem to find ti
pushforward Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 caliguy's post on second chances. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/
samspade Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 It is also right under his signature, and it is gold. You could shut down the whole "Second Chances" section and just post that. It applies to 99% of these situations.
Author hopethisworks Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks samspade for your response.... I can agree with what you are saying, because im trying to be very open minded of the whole situation. The break up was my idea... I felt like that until i could have the time on my own to deal with everything nothing was going to get better. Im not as jelous of the fact that there is a new guy in her life, because I can understand that rebounds can sometimes only help strengthen things, plus i feel like it was more or less a thing to say to make me feel jelous, and that there was nothing there with them two to it to begin with. I am afraid of losing her, not because I feel like I needed her back, but only because i wanted her back. I do regret "laying my cards out on the table" because I never wanted to come off as clingy, but just wanted her to know that I could now focus my time on her, and not my personnal issues from before where i had to shut her out with my personnal emotions about my dad. Now I still have to work with her, and I have no idea how to go about this.... any help?
CaliGuy Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Now I still have to work with her, and I have no idea how to go about this.... any help? Did you read any of the links that we provided you? The answers are there...
Jay34 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks, haha how did i miss that, i read the guide last night, i'm just curious, what would be done in the case of someone who has wronged you and you broke up with them ?, but now are having 2nd thoughts, i am going with the notion and everyone has told me don't contact her until you get an apology or i want to be with you or something like that. the thing is i have been contacted at least 20 times in almost 2 months, i have ignored every one.
Author hopethisworks Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 I did read that, in fact i think i read a good 20+ pages of posts before I even created an account to post my own. I am a firm believer that every relationship is indeed different, and some advice may work better for some than others. Jay, when she contacted you all those times was it about wanting to get back together or was it just to check in with you to see how you were doing?
Jay34 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 pretty much to check how i was doing, the closest thing i got was i love and always will, i miss all those conversations we had so much, please call me, that's about it and to be honest i would hate to put myself out there and then she says she met this great guy or anything like that, that's why i haven't even found out. she has also hid her emotions though, she has a problem with that, i did all the stupid things to try to save it before, gifts how much i loved her, calling more and pressuring her why she didn't call, then i found out she had kissed someone, after trying so hard even then i said i forgive you, immediately, huge mistake, but after we agreed to talk she never answered my call, i just said it was over not by words but by actions, i didn't call i deleted her off everything and low and behold after trying to get me jealous and all that other stuff, i got messages, then calls, this was within 2 weeks, and like a fool i gave in, like a real fool, i gave in, i let things go right back to the way they were, which before the breakup were rocky. i should have made her work for me, not act like i was some piece of crap she could pick up and throw away whenever she wanted, one thing she said after we got back together was she felt like i would always be there for her, which really sounds good, but it meant she felt she could do anything and i'd say it's ok. women want the guy they can't do this crap too. in your case the best way is just improve yourself i think, don't cut her off fully, but never contact her first and appear like you are moving on, friendship is really a slap in the face! if she is unsure there is still a chance, just don't sweat it, i know its incredibly hard, don't sit around sulk and call her, you want her to know that though you want to be with her, you will not sacrifice yourself or you will forever be in limbo, and in the end you will feel better because you acted like a man, i mean you don't want her keeping you on the side, she seems to be telling you just enough so you won't move on. and it really is true in CaliGuy's post, do you want to be the confident guy you probably once were or the guy that is still heartbroken. another example is i had a friend a girl who broke up with her ex, because she found another guy, all he did was guilt trip her, stalk her, show up at her work, her house, call her parents, friends, everything and guess what she laughs at him, she doesn't respect him, she doesn't see him as a man, it wouldn't matter if he was 6'5 250, she would respect a 5'7 150 pound guy who loved her but would never stand for all her crap.
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks, haha how did i miss that, i read the guide last night, i'm just curious, what would be done in the case of someone who has wronged you and you broke up with them ?, but now are having 2nd thoughts, i am going with the notion and everyone has told me don't contact her until you get an apology or i want to be with you or something like that. the thing is i have been contacted at least 20 times in almost 2 months, i have ignored every one. She isn't calling to apologize or she'd have done that via voicemail or email. If she really wanted to be with you she'd be beating the door down to get to you. The contact is just her way of making sure you're still taking the breadcrumbs in case she ever decides she wants something from you. Note I didn't say "Wants YOU, I said wants something FROM you." Exs are very good at getting their own needs met at the expense of yours. Guard your heart. Keep her at a distance. Live your life and have fun. Neither hell nor high water will stop an ex from finding you if they want you. And in her case, she isn't walking through hell. She's just tossing a fishing line… Cheers
techfan Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 CaliGuy, You have such great advice and if you had a minute i would really appreciate your take on my situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177056/ I want another shot but not sure if NC is right for me since my lack of focus on her was part of the reason she ended it. Really think your advice and any others would help. General Question, is NC the way to go if you are dumped because towards the end of the relationship you didn't communicate enough? Isn't going NC in that situation proving more of the same and thus just reinforcing the reason why you were broken up with?
Author hopethisworks Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 So just to update you on my situation, My ex did indeed start dating this new guy. I can undertsnad you sampspade now, with you saying it might have indeed been unavoidable. This new guy is her roomates friend, and well as a mutual friend to all of her other friends. It still does get to me tremendously, since this new guy lives three hours away, not to mention we both share a job that requires us to work weekends. I have kept up with the NC, and even planned a week long trip to the west coast to get away for a while. Upon returning, i returned to work, and kept up the NC. I would make my best attempt to avoid coming in contact with her at all costs. The first night i got back, she had asked me how my trip went, and I simply replied "good" then walked away. The next night, upon closing she had asked me another question regarding work, and I gave another brief and short answer stating i did not know the answer to her question. Before we left, she confronted me saying that i did not need to be an a-hole to her at work, and I simply replied that I had answered her question. She informed me that I needed to be a professional to her at work, regardless of our situation. I told her that if she wanted to talk about something then i would be available after work to talk about it, but did not want to discuss it there. She replied that she had plans,and that there was nothing left to talk about. (Im pretty sure that the new guy was in town). I replied that I really didnt care to communicate with her, since she has hurt me so badly, then the conversation was done. Am I doing the right thing by keeping myself distanced from her at work, or am I only digging myself deeper? Thanks for all your help.
samspade Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Before we left, she confronted me saying that i did not need to be an a-hole to her at work, and I simply replied that I had answered her question. She informed me that I needed to be a professional to her at work, regardless of our situation. I told her that if she wanted to talk about something then i would be available after work to talk about it, but did not want to discuss it there. She replied that she had plans,and that there was nothing left to talk about. (Im pretty sure that the new guy was in town). I replied that I really didnt care to communicate with her, since she has hurt me so badly, then the conversation was done. Am I doing the right thing by keeping myself distanced from her at work, or am I only digging myself deeper? Thanks for all your help. You did it sort of right. You shouldn't have even offered to discuss anything outside of work - that's all you are now: co-workers. But by keeping your distance and remaining professional, you're actually doing the right thing. Here's some advice: Do not get roped into an argument with her when she tells you you are being unprofessional or an A-hole. She is just trying to make you mad and give herself some kind of moral high road. You won't win the argument, because women don't often employ logic when starting these things. (Take a look at how she already brought up her "issue" and then said there was nothing to talk about and you'll see my point.) Don't give her any ammunition, just stay polite and calm and keep your distance. Keep the subject matter work-related.
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