invman Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I posted along time ago, back in April of '07. You can read it here if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115443/?highlight=invman. I've lurked on and off for awhile but I figured it's time for another post. Since then, the marriage has continued just as it had been, except it got worst. Early 2008 was wretched. The depression and stress has taken a physical toll with tension knots in my shoulders, neck, tmj in my jaw, etc. My faith has crumbled - for other objective reasons, but the subjective reasons of this aweful marriage hasn't helped. Finally, all my reasons for separation/divorce were worn out of me. Even the hurt it would cause my daughter seemed to pale in comparison with the aweful marriage. In September I asked for a separation to see what we really wanted. My wife said she'd rather just divorce and get it over with if we were going to separate. I told her to think about it for a few days while I went out of town. A couple days later she told me that she really doesn't want to separate or didvorce but wanted to work on the marriage and was willing to goto counseling. This was a first since she stopped going to our first MC three years ago. I agreed but threw out a few other caveats too. It took awhile to get into counseling. During which time we were ever on edge and not doing so well. We're three sessions in right now with a fourth scheduled for this week. We seem to be on an every two week schedule since he books up fast. Here's the problem: Since we started counseling, she's actually been making a noticable effort at trying to do better and fix things. She's trying to treat me better and do some of the things I've wanted her to do for a long time. Problem is, after all of this wearing on me for the last seven years, something snapped in me emotionally back in August (just prior to the separation conversation). I lost interest in being married to her and its fair to say I love her as a person, friend, and family member, but I'm not "in love with her." In other words, I don't feel any romantic desire towards her anymore. I'm back and forth on what to do. Part of me thinks I need to stay with it since this is what I've wanted for seven years. The other part of me is just not interested anymore. Like too little too late. I've tried to drum up feelings for her. I've gone through the motions with sex a few times. I just feel empty afterwards like I shouldn't have done that and given her the impression that everything was okay. A part of me has really just moved on emotionally. But then when I'm off on my own at work I feel guilty for how I feel and guilty for thinking of moving on separation and/or divorce. I feel like I should stick to it since she's finally showing signs of improvement. Like I owe it to her and my daughter and our families. Like I won't be happy even in divorce. Like maybe she'll wear me down and I'll want her romantically again. But then when I'm with her, I'm friendly, and I enjoy being with her, but I find myself hoping she doesn't try to make a move on me because I don't want to have to turn her down. I don't really want to be physical with her. To add on to this: I want more kids. Not with her right now. Maybe not with her in the future depending on how this all turns out. But I want more. She absolutely does not. Maybe she'll compromise since she's working on her behavior too, but mabye she won't. And maybe I still won't want them with her after all of this. How screwed up is this? If she'd have responded to my pleas to work on the marriage and goto counseling even 8 months to a year ago I would be so much more open to the process. After that emotional snap though - I've just not been able to get back into being interested. And I keep thinking about what it'd be like to be with others. And to have my individual freedom since I got married so young and never got to live on my own. My work has me travel frequently, and I enjoy my time to myself. I miss my daughter, and occasionally the company of my wife, but I like being on my own. And when I'm home, it's nice to have a friendly person around for a change, but I'm just not romantically interested. But I do find myself daydreaming about relationships with others (no one in particular, just someone else who might be better for me - my wife and I don't have a lot in common). I keep thinking I need to continue with counseling to see how things work out. What have I got to lose? But then, I still have to deal with my desire to turn away her advances and potentially hurt her feelings. Funny, that's exactly what she did to me for years. Also, I afraid that in the end I still won't want to be with her. And even if I do I won't get to have more kids. I find myself mad at the situation because she's making progress that I keep feeling like I don't want anymore. But then, again, I often feel guilty for that, like come on man that's your wife and she wants to be with you! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! How circular and viscious! How do you decide what you want? How do you KNOW what you want? What's the best course of action to follow here?
gopher Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Have you thought about talking to a counselor on your own? It sounds like you may need a professional to bounce things off of. You have a lot going on in your head, and as you've said, it's taken a lot out of you. What else are you doing for you? Even if your marriage was perfect, you can't rely on someone else to make you happy....I do understand where you are coming from, as my ex-w was extremely damaging to my mental condition. My thoughts are... Go to MC and see where that leads... Go to IC and figure your own stuff out, set goals and figure out what you want from your life. Find things you like to do...hobbies and what not, and then do them!! my two cents, for what it's worth.
TrustInYourself Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 MC is worthless if the individual is not ready. Read my posts. Do some research yourself. Build on your own emotional awareness. Your focus is your wife, when the focus should be yourself. I get a real sense that you are emotionally incapable of being married.
Author invman Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 Have you thought about talking to a counselor on your own? It sounds like you may need a professional to bounce things off of. You have a lot going on in your head, and as you've said, it's taken a lot out of you. What else are you doing for you? Even if your marriage was perfect, you can't rely on someone else to make you happy....I do understand where you are coming from, as my ex-w was extremely damaging to my mental condition. My thoughts are... Go to MC and see where that leads... Go to IC and figure your own stuff out, set goals and figure out what you want from your life. Find things you like to do...hobbies and what not, and then do them!! my two cents, for what it's worth. It has been three weeks since our last session. Two weeks was because he was booked over the holidays and then I had to move last weeks session because of a work meeting that came up. In that time I have sent him a few emails describing what I'm feeling and what's going through my head. Unfortunately, he has not replied back. I think he saves the "advice" for actual sessions because he did reply back to some scheduling emails. Which makes sense really cause then he gets paid - so it doesn't bother me. But I guess I'd have to ask him to separate us during a session prior to going in. I might consider IC. But that would seem weird if it was someone different while getting MC since most of what I'm dealing with here has to do with the marriage. As far as hobbies go, I definitely have one or two that keep me interested.
Geishawhelk Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I might consider IC. But that would seem weird if it was someone different while getting MC since most of what I'm dealing with here has to do with the marriage. People always think that. I think you should still try it, because you might find other things to address that don't appear to be connected...you may be surprised. As far as hobbies go, I definitely have one or two that keep me interested. This would be joint hobbies you can do together, yes....? If not, why not?
Author invman Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 People always think that. I think you should still try it, because you might find other things to address that don't appear to be connected...you may be surprised. This would be joint hobbies you can do together, yes....? If not, why not? That would be no. There's pretty much nothing we have in common to do together except rent movies. Which is fun, but it'd be nice if we had some other things we'd enjoy doing together. There just isn't.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Part of me thinks I need to stay with it since this is what I've wanted for seven years. The other part of me is just not interested anymore. It's not really what you wanted in the past that matters today. What is important is what kinds of experiences do you want to participate in, in the future? And, is it reasonable and realistic to expect that your needs and desires for your future will be fulfilled within your marriage...with your wife as a "co-creator" of those experiences that you want? Deciding to get divorced may well have an aspect of, "Then why on earth did I allow myself to stay in that soul-sucking situation for so long?" You just did. It doesn't mean that you cannot choose a different path for yourself NOW. It is an error in thinking, that we are forever stuck with the negative consequences of our past desires and decisions. We DO have the power to effect meaningful, positive change in our own lives, and we ought to use that power wisely. [EDIT: Not that we can "erase" certain things, but that we can do something about getting out of our unhappiness and back into a more peaceful, happier situation.] ...I have sent him a few emails describing what I'm feeling and what's going through my head. Unfortunately, he has not replied back. I think he saves the "advice" for actual sessions... More than likely he is just maintaining professional ethics of a relationship counselor -- they work on behalf of the couple, and not one or the other of the individuals. There ought to be absolutely no bias, on the part of the MC. (At the same time, he ought to have made that clear to both of you, and/or could have responded to that effect, after your first email.) It is best to have a both, an individual therapist and a marriage counselor, precisely because the agendas and goals are different and sometimes can be the opposite. Your individual stuff is about "should I stay or should I go?" Whereas marital counseling is based on the understanding/assumption that BOTH do want to stay. The MC would not be able to effectively counsel (advocate for) the marriage, and offer you proper guidance as to how to resolve your inner conflict about it.
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