She needs a break, but loves me and says im the one?

[higherground5]

Hi All,

 

I was hoping someone could give me some insight on this one. So I've been dating a younger woman for about 5 months now. I'm much older than she is - she's 19 and I'm 27 - crazy how things work like this sometimes.

 

So at the end of December we started arguing more - I just started getting suspicious of her because of differences in how she was acting about things, and I had a bad previous relationship, so I pulled that experience into this one. Very stupid thing of me to do.

 

Right after new years she gave me the axe...saying that she doesn't want to be in the shadows of my ex and wanted a break of the relationship. She then when on to tell me that she thinks I'm "the one" and she couldnt imagine herself being with anyone else. Right now, she says she needs time apart to work on mishaps in the relationship and she wants to get ready to give all of herself to me when she is ready because she just felt overwhelmed by the fact she "found the guy of her dreams" at such a young age.

 

Does this make sense to anyone? I asked if there was anyone else, or if she has other interests, or wants to see other people, and she has stated over and over again that there is no one else and that she would have told me if that was the case.

 

I guess I just don't understand this because she says she wants to be with me right now, but she cant. She always says how much she loves me and feels like im potentially her soul mate. Is it natural for a girl to be doing something such as this?

 

I'm confused. -Forbin

[AlektraClementine]

What were the mishaps in the relationship? Why does she feel as though she's in the shadows of your ex? When you say you got suspicious of her, does that me that you started putting her in positions where she felt defensive?

 

How about a little more info?

[dazedconfused]

Bro first off #1 thing i can say is... Never judge your relationship off of past relationships it will only screw things up. Its hard not too but you can't bring other relationship problems into this one. Obviously the age difference is a big deal your much more matured then she is.. But at the same time your being wayyyyyy too insecure, I can say from your end accusing her or suggesting that she might be cheating on you is not smart. Evenso, u dont have control over that and u need to realise it. If she cheats she cheats sadly its true, what you need to do is invest in her show her how good you can treat her and how much she means to you. If you do these things why would she need to cheat? Im sure she hasnt, but im guessing u have been cheated on in the past... Once again dont let past relationships ruin ur current one!!!! U got this man just always be on your game when ur around her

[dazedconfused]

also, maybe confront your past girlfriend it sounds to me that you haven't gotten all the closure u need on it or something about it still really bugs you

[Trialbyfire]

Not too many people are mature enough for a serious LTR at 19 years old, no matter how much they express otherwise.

 

Let her go and experience more of her life. You can't hold onto someone who isn't ready to be held.

[O'Malley]

I guess I just don't understand this because she says she wants to be with me right now, but she cant. She always says how much she loves me and feels like im potentially her soul mate.

 

She wants to be single and explore her options, while also keeping the option of coming back to you, if she doesn't find someone else she prefers to date. This isn't uncommon at that age; she's simply not ready to commit.

 

The best thing you can do is protect your feelings and be clear that this is a breakup, not a 'break' or a hiatus; you are not going to put your life on hold to wait for someone who may or may not decide to be in a relationship with you again.

[higherground5]

What were the mishaps in the relationship? Why does she feel as though she's in the shadows of your ex? When you say you got suspicious of her, does that me that you started putting her in positions where she felt defensive?

 

How about a little more info?

 

Well, I told her that my ex girlfriend cheated on me and it's been a while since ive really opened up to someone, so getting that vulnerable feeling was kind of weird for me. There were two times I was suspicious of her, and i didnt so much accuse her of anything, i just asked her if everything was ok and that the situation just was weird to me. She freaked and couldnt take it, so she used that to leave.

[higherground5]

also, maybe confront your past girlfriend it sounds to me that you haven't gotten all the closure u need on it or something about it still really bugs you

 

I thought about that, but that's definitely not the case. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. We both know that it is over. It's just hard to open up to a girl when your previous relationship was a bad one and you were cheated on. That's why i felt the need to be 100% honest with her and tell her what happened.

[higherground5]

She wants to be single and explore her options, while also keeping the option of coming back to you, if she doesn't find someone else she prefers to date. This isn't uncommon at that age; she's simply not ready to commit.

 

The best thing you can do is protect your feelings and be clear that this is a breakup, not a 'break' or a hiatus; you are not going to put your life on hold to wait for someone who may or may not decide to be in a relationship with you again.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with this statement. I asked her if thats what she is doing...i told her that I feel put on hold so she can go test her options. She keeps on insisting she needs time to get ready so she can give herself up to me because she was overwhelmed that she thinks she found "the one" at such a young age. The thing is that she doesn't stop talking to me...we still have sex and make plans and she says she loves me. It basically feels like we are still together, but without the bond. She also says that if any guy talks to her, she says she has a bf etc.

[higherground5]

So today I couldnt take it anymore. I just realized this has been occupying my mind way too much for the last month or so because I wasnt sure where the relationship was heading. When she broke up with me, I was definitely heartbroken, a little bit too much extreme. Over the past week she has been saying that "I'm the one", "I love you so much", "when we move in with eachother etc", but she can't be with me. Being the experienced one, I think she is confused about the situation. I messed up, apologized, was accepting to change the issue for her, but she still didnt want to be back in the relationship. She said she needed space, but consistently texted me...reached out to me etc, so I almost felt like I was being used, even knowing she kept on telling me she loved me.

 

So tonight I told her that this is way too exhausting for my mind because I want her back, but she says she is not ready. I took O'Malley's advice and told her that if she cant be in a relationship with me, then she has to let me go completely. She got super defensive and angry and started insulting me and making me feel bad---like I did something wrong! I mean, are you f'ing kidding me? First of all, I'm giving her space. I mean I do love this girl, even considering she is young, so I felt like I had to do it. If she truly loves me, and I love her, then we will be back together some day, but right now I can't invest in a "what if" relationship because actions are stronger than words and I need to protect myself from getting hurt by her again. I really do love her, and I hope she is really happy in the future with or w/o me.

 

Do you guys think I made the right move?

 

Thanks. -forbin

[Geishawhelk]

In a word?

 

Absolutely.