4givrnt4gtr Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 How do you know when a relationship is worth the effort or when its time to call it quits? How do you know whether you want a relationship to end for valid reasons or because you are scared of getting hurt?
laRubiaBonita Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 well, when i have ended relationships-- the two i have ended, the first one should have ended a year or so before i finally ended it- and it was for a valid reason, and that was because i was scared to get hurt and i lived with the guy.... looking back i would have been much happier ending it when i should have- while living with the dude..... that last year was really me detaching myself more and more, and i did move out- but we stayed together a little longer after that. the second i ended because i was not happy, the guy would put me down and yell at me over stupid stuff- like driving and missing an exit.... plus he yelled and picked on his mother, which i found very uncool, and i could see him doing those same things to me. so in both instances i was unhappy in the relationships, but i learned after the first one not to prolong the inevitable.... you just gotta nip it in the bud.
Mahatma Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 This is something that can only be learned from experience.
reddog63 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 How do you know when a relationship is worth the effort or when its time to call it quits? How do you know whether you want a relationship to end for valid reasons or because you are scared of getting hurt? I recently read an intersting book.......helped me decide.......think name is ........too good to leave, to bad to stay....by mira kirchbaum(sp?). Anyway, when I was trying to decide, I would use the scale approach......pros vs cons.......but that was frustraing because depending on the day or week, the scale would change. Book asks you key questions to ask yourself to assist one to decide. Anyway, I thought it was very helpful.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 This is something that can only be learned from experience. i agree with that.... the first relat. i was sooooo in love with him, my first love really, and it killed me that he turned into a lying scum, but when he lied again- i couldn't take it. i know i deserve better than that- i gave him better than that... so the second relat. i ended- i was a bit more confident... i knew i would live, i knew i would be happier, even if it meant i was a little sad initially.... but again, i would never treat someone like a stupid dog... so why would i allow him to treat me that way?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Ok...but what if its not so clear cut..AND its really early in the relationship (as in a month). My biggest issue is that he is going to move away in a while. Even though we discuss staying together anyway when he does...im still iffy that thats his intention. My second biggest issue is that I think he may be on the rebound, or more like he is with me because he wants to fill a void. Now this is the problem..the "I think". Its so subjective. Objectively, I dont have hard proof that this is the case. Other than he was cheated on by his gf of 5 years early last year. He was devastated. Now, subjectively, what makes me think he may not like me that much is that he has rejected me sexually twice after turning me on. THe first time he said it was a sort of extended foreplay, that he wanted me to desire him for a while, to think of him for a few days so that when we finally did it it would be that much better. THe second time, he said he didnt have any condoms. THese two instances could be taken either way...and Im leaning towards the "not liking me enough category" Also, the last time I saw him, after being together for two nights and a day, he asked me at the end of the day what time i was leaving. I was miffed and though he "saved" himself with a reason why he asked, I still felt like he wanted me gone. So...you see...im not sure about whether im reading too much into things...and making excuses so I dont have to risk getting hurt by leaving the relationship before it gets any deeper. I dont really know how to differentiate...any ideas?
Adamagnet Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Now, subjectively, what makes me think he may not like me that much is that he has rejected me sexually twice after turning me on. THe first time he said it was a sort of extended foreplay, that he wanted me to desire him for a while, to think of him for a few days so that when we finally did it it would be that much better. THe second time, he said he didnt have any condoms. THese two instances could be taken either way...and Im leaning towards the "not liking me enough category" Are there any other reasons why you would be leaning towards the "not liking me enough category"? From an objective standpoint, I don't see either "rejection" as an indicator of anything. Seriously, how could you fault a guy for actually being responsible and requiring a condom? Also, some PUA methods involve extended foreplay to build sexual anticipation. A better indicator of his desire is contact frequency.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 egh... let it go. or just say, that you do like him, but it is better for you both if while he is away you see other people. it's only been a month..... no sex.... no real feelings have been expressed other than like... and liking someone is not that hard. meanwhile, you will be sitting far away- twiddling your thumbs, waiting for what?
ruggy Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Interesting opinion. If you just met someone and within a few weeks or few dates and you are not having sex yet you drop the relationship. Hmm.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 No no, we've had sex before...twice. But at some point he told me he doesnt want to always have sex when we get together cuz it gets boring. HE isnt away now, he is going to be moving away at the end of the year. He is the one who wanted us to be exclusive when we talked about dating according to him because he wants to know that we are both on the same page and not having to worry about who i may be sleeping with. AS to contact...he usually texts me once per day, sometimes call at night. However, after saturday he texted me once in the morning on sunday to tell me he had a good time...and then later when I asked him if i could borrow a movie, he responded but that was it. No more contact since then... Again, i cant really tell if im being insecured and those feelings are making me want to run away. I felt insecured in my last relationship and i kept pushing those feelings away, reasoning that it was just me and I was being needy. In the end I was right, and my "insecured" feelings were right about him not really liking me/loving me. So now I dont know if im being paranoid, im overly sensitive or what...Thats why i was wondering if there is an objective way in which you could tell whether your feelings are real or just inspired out of fear...
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 You know, over the course of my 6-year relationship (4-year marriage), I decided that when the SAME problems kept presenting themselves over and over and over...that it was over. It was always the same arguments, the same discussions, the same promises to make things better. Nothing changed. I didn't feel as though either of us was growing in the relationship. I think that's incredibly important.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Interesting opinion. If you just met someone and within a few weeks or few dates and you are not having sex yet you drop the relationship. Hmm. nooo. the way i read this was he was moving soon. but if we have just met, and gone out a few times, yet i am getting wishy washy vibes, and he will soon be moving, i would let him know i would not expect a monogamous ldr......
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