Being strong and cool and kind vs. screaming, attacking and crying

[Eyeofthoth]

I just want all the people here who were dumped and who are feeling as though they have destroyed their chances for reconciliation through crying, acting desperate, being needy, making undying declarations of love, etc. to know that I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't make much difference how you act during a break-up (short of acting psychotic or criminal I mean).

 

It will usually end up the same. They will be gone and closure has to come from within. We have to let all of our own "break-up behavior" go and forgive ourselves and move on . . .

 

I was left for another person and I was so nice, so sweet, so understanding. I let him know I was heartbroken because I loved him very deeply and that I felt very betrayed, and I cried, but after one night I calmed down and got real cool and told him he had to work out what he needed for himself.

 

I even tried to stay friends, but couldn't do it because, of course, I could not bear to hear one word about the person he left me for.

 

Guess what? Months down the road I am kicking myself for how nice I was. He destroyed me in one of the worst ways imaginable, and I was nice?

 

What the hell is wrong with me? Now I fantasize about calling him to tell him that I don't think he has any idea how bad what he did was or how much he hurt me.

 

I believe that my behavior allowed him to be absolved of guilt and made it easier for him to move on.

 

But wait! If I had acted mean and angry and psycho, then he could have used that to bolster his rationale for leaving and that would have made it easier for him to move on.

 

See? Catch 22. No solution. So people: whatever you did when you were dumped, forgive yourself. As long as you didn't kill someone, you did just fine.

[Trialbyfire]

Begging, crying, screaming, pleading and clinging, does no one any good. Stating your issues, wants, desires and love, aren't being needy or clinging.

 

Where the conflict might lie, is "acting" v. what you really feel. While it's a good thing to control yourself from doing the emotional "vomit" all over someone else, you can still state your issues and needs.

 

Have you tried writing your emotions into a letter addressed to him? This doesn't mean you have to send it, unless you really want to. There are no downsides to writing it down and streamlining it, until it encompasses everything. The sending of the letter has its downsides, in that many sit on pins and needles, waiting for a response that might never come.

 

As for giving yourself closure, yes and no. If you have questions that need to be answered, you might be able to get them answered, reliant on the dynamics between yourself and the ex. The problem arises if your ex isn't the honest type or doesn't see the issues on both sides. When this happens, they can do more damage than good, by giving you their version of reality. It's all about whether or not you can take what you hear.

 

After breakup, each person self-protects, since they're hurting. They're not thinking about the relationship or you, as a priority.

[Eyeofthoth]

Thanks trialbyfire --

 

I have thought of writing him a letter. The thing is though that we had a few post break-up talks and he did acknowledge that he did something "wrong" to me. He turned away from me emotionally during a difficult time because he couldn't deal with it. He has acknowledged this and has also admitted that he was the culpable party because I always let him know that I loved him and that we could talk about anything -- and yet he still turned away.

 

That emotional turning away is where it all started, because it opened the door for a previous ex of his to come walking back in.

 

The last time I saw him was in October. I called him about an emergency with my house (he is a contractor) and he came right over and fixed it and wouldn't let me pay him even though he really needed the money. We sat and talked for awhile and he said (with tears in his eyes) that we could talk about the relationship if I wanted to, but he also said he was still seeing this other person and that he really missed me but didn't want to be trapped between two people. So I told him I didn't want to talk about our relationship because I would just start crying if we did (and really, what more was there to say?), and I chose to have a sweet and friendly catch-up conversation with him instead.

 

His last words to me were, "I miss our friendship."

 

I don't think my problem is so much that I need closure as it is that I just want him back.

 

What happened with him has destroyed my faith in all relationships. He pursued me, he talked himself up as faithful, honorable, reliable. He bonded with my children. He broke down my walls and convinced me to be his girlfriend and I let him become the love of my life. He also swore that his previous ex was someone who would never be back in his life again.

 

Then he left me by the side of the road like a piece of trash, knowing full well that my heart was welded to him and he could not leave me without ripping it out of my body and leaving me for dead.

 

I believed in who he was, and I still believe in him, because the alternative is that no one is ever who they seem to be and I will never trust anyone again.

 

So since I still believe in him, I am in denial about the whole thing. It could not have happened in my reality.

 

It has messed up my heart and my head terribly.

 

And I miss him all the time, even though it has been 7 months since we broke up.

 

And that is what I would write to him in a letter, if I thought it would do anyone any good.

[forte]

The night we broke up, I sent 'the' email telling her how much of a b~tch she was and how I shouldn't have put up with her for so long. It felt great! A week later I sent an email letting her know that I didn't hate her and I definitely didn't want her to think of me as the psycho ex-boyfriend. I went on to say that I now feel the decision to break up was the right one, blah blah blah. I said NOTHING about reconciliation, friendship, nothing. It was very short. I simply apologized for the 'tone', not the content. The content was right on. DO NOT say maybe one day we can get coffee or anything like that!!! It's a simple.. I'm not psycho email, it's been real, later. Totally indifferent like you don't want to see her again.

 

And at the end of it, I said "Please do not reply to this email" because I honestly didn't want her to think I wrote it to get a response. And I really didn't want one. The email was only to relieve me of my guilt of being a d~ck. And I was.. it felt great.. but I was a total d~ck, lol.

 

And I still feel great. And I even feel better about the apology b/c now I'm not the angry psycho ex-boyfriend. Yes, I started NC over but with a totally clean conscience. Did I probably eliminate any possibilty of a reconcile.. probably.. but that's an even better feeling b/c I'm not holding on to the possibility of hope. It's only when you actually lose hope that they'll call anyway, lol.

[Prim&proper]

How about just being indifferent? Remember the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Why would you want the ex to know that he still has a hold over you? That even after all this time, you still have feelings for him? Wouldn't it better to act like he doesn't matter one whit in your life now?

 

The best revenge is a life well lived. Even if that's not the case, would you want him to still think that you are still broken up about him?

[Eyeofthoth]

The truth is that I would want him to know I was still heartbroken IF it meant that he was more likely to come back.

 

Barring him coming back on his knees in regret though, I do feel indifference is the best attitude for me to cultivate.

 

When I get those automatic thoughts of missing him so much, I substitute the thought, "I don't have time to think about that right now. I need to think about X,Y and Z."

 

It helps a lot, but I still want him back.

 

I think the really hard part is that I still wonder if there is something more that I could do thatI haven't done yet. If there was something, I would do it, or I would at least want to know that I had that option.

 

This is why it is so hard to let go. I keep thinking . . . is there anything I could still do . . .

 

Anything . . . .

[saturnsfall]

The truth is that I would want him to know I was still heartbroken IF it meant that he was more likely to come back.

 

Barring him coming back on his knees in regret though, I do feel indifference is the best attitude for me to cultivate.

 

When I get those automatic thoughts of missing him so much, I substitute the thought, "I don't have time to think about that right now. I need to think about X,Y and Z."

 

It helps a lot, but I still want him back.

 

I think the really hard part is that I still wonder if there is something more that I could do thatI haven't done yet. If there was something, I would do it, or I would at least want to know that I had that option.

 

This is why it is so hard to let go. I keep thinking . . . is there anything I could still do . . .

 

Anything . . . .

 

If there was something you could do, you would have when the two of you were still together. You don't want to change yourself and act in a certain way because it's a last resort. You wouldn't be being fair to yourself if you did that. However, what you're thinking is completely normal. Many of us would go back in time, or do something different, but honestly, if we were meant to do that we would have already.

 

As for writing a letter. Telling him how you feel is ok if you truly think that you need to. However, I would recommend not making it a point to tell him. My ex and I broke up, went NC, I had a regular conversation as you did the day you saw him when he fixed something for you, he then missed me because I had a regular non-relationship rehashing conversation with him. Then we decided to try again, and surprise, it failed, miserably. It was all on his terms to try again and he ended it, again. I spoke with him once after he told me we would never work. Like your ex, mine would not look me in the eyes either and said some very mean things as well. This isn't a way someone deserves to be treated. Honestly, there are things I would love to say to him. I would love to tell him how unfair he was, and how he shouldn't have treated me the way he did, etc. But i'm not going to. I'm not going to because to fall out of his life immediately is my best exit. It's something he doesn't expect from me because he knew how much I cared for him. He knew my heart was captivated by him. I had already changed my number, but I have now blocked him from email. It's sad and difficult, but at the end of the day, it's the best decision I made regarding him.

 

Do what you think you need to do, but don't say things because you think it may bring someone back. The most responses are received by exiting someone life who broke your heart. When they see you're gone, after they expected you to contact them. That speaks volumes to them. They finally realize, we are gone.

[EmperorR]

I'm sure everyone begs etc.. when there first dump the first time etc., I did but hey I didn't know better. I wish I was calm and cool and went NC from the start, but I had no one to turn to, and the one person that was always there for me kicked me out of her life, so what else could I do:(.

[Eyeofthoth]

EmporerR -- Yes when the one person who we think we can count on rips the rug out from under our feet it is cruel and harsh and leaves us with nothing . . . I think hysterical behavior is somewhat warraned!

 

This is why I never want someone else to matter that much to me again.

 

 

saturnfell --

 

How long did your reconciliation last before it was over for good? I have multiple reasons for wondering about these things. Since my ex left me for a previous ex, the one piece of revenge I hope for is that their reconciliation does not last. I don't think I hope this because I am a mean person. It is more that I hope this because I believe that he was an idiot for going back to her, and I need desperately to be validated by having at least something that I believed in turn out to be true!

 

As for the rest of it, I think you are right, and I will probably stick to posting my letters on LS or emailing them to my therapist.

 

He already knows he was a **** -- even if he doesn't know exactly how bad his behavior was. And since I told him he was the love of my life and that I will always love him . . .

 

Good grief, what more do I have to say?

 

It could take him a long time, but if I drop out of his existence entirely, I do believe that eventually he will wake up and think . . . "What the h*** have I done?"

[heartbroken55]

Thanks you for posting this. I do feel a little better. I wasn't exactly kicking and screaming but I wasn't exactly happy about it either. I did a little begging and stuff for her to want to try to make things work but nothing seemed to work. I think the breaker-uppers have already made up their minds long before actually breaking up that's why 95% of the times it doesn't matter what you do...

 

I think one of the main reasons people feel so horrible after a break up is because it's like a direct shot to the ego. I've been feeling down lately for that reason. The same thoughts played over and over in my head: no one wants me, how can she be so cold, how will I ever find another love like that again... blah blah blah. I took a couple weeks off work to try to feel better but I just felt worse because I had so much time to think and I kept dwelling on the happy times.

 

Anyways I guess my point is we need to work on ourselves and it comes from within. Start thinking positively. Don't let your self-esteem get so low. I just watched the movie "The Secret" yesterday and there was something about that movie that made me feel 100 times better. I was wondering why everything in my life seems like it was going down the drain after the break up and it was because of my attitude. Think negatively and negative things will happen to you.