MoodyQutie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I have been married to my husband for 11 years this month. We met in high school him a senior me a freshman and dated 5 years before we got married. My husband was my best friend. We did not grow apart; we just fell apart if you know what I mean. It has been a rough marriage with him complaining and criticising me about everything I don’t do and everything I do wrong. He also loves to put aside or put down my needs, wants, opinions and feelings. I discovered last year that this was verbal abuse. I am starting to really doubt myself again. I have done a lot of research and trying to better myself. I have been depressed and moody in the past because, I feel, of the verbal abuse/constant criticism. However what I have learned is that all the BS he has fed me for so long about me not being normal because I leave a basket of whites left unfolded for days. Because I put of bills sometimes and waste money on stupid stuff. I buy too much junk food and put off household chores some times to play my video games or read a book. Mind you he hardly helps with anything. Just complains when something isn’t done. I am not innocent. My house is not sparkling clean 24/7. I have a clean house though. All my friends will attest to that. I can’t stand too much mess but I do get my clutter. I have this thing that if something is put away where it goes it will be there when you need to find it the next time. I guess it is my little organizational thing. I grew up in a disgustingly filthy home with my mother who absolutely did nothing and I cannot put off my household duties for long. But I am not perfect. We got into a huge argument the Christmas of ‘07. He was disrespecting me again of course. I ended up going ballistic with the things he was saying to me and threw a sippy cup at him. I resorted to violence and feel terrible about it. Then because of my feelings of shame at resorting to violence and the things he was saying to me about myself I attempted to kill myself. The thoughts of suicide that night were not my first however but I had never acted on them before. I remember countless times after an argument with my husband wanting to end it all because I could not believe that a man who loves me could talk to me and view me in such a way. The depression I suffered from and lack of self confidence he had stripped from me probably kept me from ever doing anything about my relationship. Well after that little episode my husband and I attempted marriage counseling. I felt it was going well and in my favor to boot. However just the minor issues that we touched on left my husband resentful and we only managed 3 sessions before he started making excuses why he didn’t want to continue to see the marriage counselor. Fast forward to April and my husband and I get into a fight again. There was no violence just resentment and frustration that built into me screaming at him. Frustrated at not being able to get my husband to see reason I threw him out. I had enough and told him I was going to take our boys and go home to California; yes he managed to convince me to move away from my family. He didn’t argue much just packed up his belongings and left. This is when I first learned that what I had been experiencing was verbal abuse. My best friend was consoling me and explained how he treated me was abuse. I researched a little on the subject. All the information on verbal abuse hit home. I just couldn’t believe he did it out of control. I really thought it was his confusion from the terrible abuse he suffered as a child and his warped outlook on life he inherited from his parents. The next day I was served divorce papers he had filed to keep me and the boys here. I did not realize his true intentions for the divorce and was shell shocked. I could not believe after 15 years together he could be done with just a blink of an eye like it felt like. I begged him to come home and a week later he came home and filed for conciliation. We met with a counselor who talked to the both of us and decided to put the divorce on the inactive calendar for 6 months. During the next 6 months we were to see a marriage counselor that he was supposed to find and schedule our first appointment (because his unhappiness with our last marriage counselor) and he participate in AA and NA meetings to deal with his alcohol and drug dependencies. At the end of the 6 months we could decide to drop the divorce altogether or begin the proceedings once again. Well the weekend of July 4th proceeded to be a bad one for us. Once again the worked up frustration and anger came to head and we found ourselves arguing again. It was a nasty fight again much like the fight the Christmas before. I got angry and started yelling. He decided I needed to cool down and he tossed a cup of water in my face which just enraged me more. I tried to hose him down with water from the kitchen water hose and eventually we ended with me on the kitchen floor and him choking me. I know I get stupid when I am angry and need to address this issue. He decided at that point that he was done. He was moving out by the end of the month. We worked it out that I would move into a cheaper place I could afford on my own and I moved out on July 28th of last year. We were going to split custody of the boys and I was all for this. He would pay me $500 a month in child support payments but he would take out my half for our credit cards that we racked up when together. I hadn’t filed because I admit I was holding on to see if he would come to some realization that I was important enough for him to correct his ways and work on changing his behavior. Stupid I know but I do hold onto foolish hopes sometimes. Since I have moved I have had nothing but problems with my husband. In the beginning he sent down countless emails continuing his verbal attacks on what he felt was wrong with me and our marriage. I only replied once to these emails asking him to try to come to a point that we could get along just for the sake of our boys. Nope he sent me back another long winded email with even more rubbish. So fine, I quit trying. I only contacted him when I needed money for the kid’s medical and dental care and for his “good faith” child support payments. He asked on a couple of occasions for me to watch the kids and of course I took them with no problem. However each time he ended up stinging me in the process and it caused more problems than not. See I have a paper route and it requires me to have nearly 350 papers delivered by 6am. So I get up around 2:30 – 3am and go to work. I am normally home before the kids wake up. Well I got a place kiddy corner from my husband so that when they were with me if any issues occurred my husband was less than a minute away. This way it saved us both considerably so we did not have to pay for a babysitter. Well the first time he asked me to watch the kids so he could go out and play his bass guitar with a new friend he had made. No problem. I would love to have my kids for the night. However I assumed he just wanted to leave them with me so that he could stay out later then was kosher with two boys (11 and 7 btw). However the next morning I arrived home from work and he still had not returned home from his night out. When he finally called me that he was home and I could send the kids on down to him I was upset and let him know so. This was not how a 33 year old man with two boys behaved, but how a college kid with no responsibilities did. He of course did not understand why I was upset instead twisting the situation to me being jealous. Please if I was jealous I wouldn’t have watched the boys for him to begin with. Well the next time I watched the boys for him it was just him being lazy and I will not waste your time with that one. One Thursday during a week my husband had the boys I had an appointment to get my brakes on my car looked at because they were squealing something awful. I did not have the boys but the day of my appointment I get a call from the school that my oldest was not feeling well, he was running a fever, and needed to come home early. I did not bother calling my husband whom was at work and would be there until 4 pm because I am normally home all day and figured I could take my car in another day to get the work done. I assumed this is what co-parenting was about; being helpful and such. I did not reschedule the appointment for my car for the next day because I assumed my oldest son would stay home and I would need to watch him for my husband. However my husband whom normally does not like to take days off of work and knows I am home all day long decided to stay home from work with my son. Well the following Monday during my week with the boys I took my car in to the shop to get the brakes looked at. It was not normally a busy day for the shop and while my car was being worked on they started to send mechanics that were just standing around home. Then they get busy and my car gets put off. Needless to say my car is not done by the time they promised. I need to be home when my youngest son got dropped off by the school bus then I need to go pick up my oldest son from football practice. I could get a ride home from the shop but my oldest still needed to be picked up from school. I called my husband who got angry at me making it my fault my car was not done and then said he was grocery shopping and he would TRY to pick up our son from his football practice. So I called a friend because I didn’t want my son to feel neglected or anyone at his school think I was neglectful. My friend went and picked up our son from school but got angry at my husband and made it clear by not answering his calls to her. She and her husband have been lifelong friends of my husband and mine for years. Later he emails me and tells me that I have messed up once again like I always have and now I could have the friends, kids, and he was moving out of state. Of course he still has yet to do so and life continued on. Then our youngest son has a tooth infection and I take him to the dentist where they tell me they need to remove it. Because earlier in the year they had done several thousand dollars worth of work on his teeth the insurance was used up and so we would have to pay for the entire work ourselves. I called my husband to talk to him about what he wanted to do and he yells at me about his money problems and that they were all my fault because if I had done my “JOB” (keeping the house perfectly clean and doing all the laundry and taking care of everything pretty much) we wouldn’t be living in two different households and he wouldn’t have to live off one income. He later tells me he couldn’t afford to have our youngest son’s tooth pulled and he would rather we just pay for more meds if the infection returns. I couldn’t just let that happen but didn’t have the money to get the work done myself. So I scheduled an appointment and put it onto a credit card that my husband and I have a joint account together and he had yet to remove me from. He has yet to confront me about this because the card is still under his address and I know he had to have gotten a bill by now. There have been more e-mails with him asking if I had let myself into his place. If I was logging into his online banking and various other stupid stuff. I mentioned that I wanted copies of the credit card statements and he refuses then requests copies of my credit card statement. He has two in his name and I have one that we used while married. I refused to give him copies of my credit card statements until he gives me copies of his. My oldest calls my husband one evening during my time with our boys to talk to him. He does not even listen to anything our son says and instead once he hears our oldest son’s voice tells him he is on the phone and will call him back. Later that evening I notice that my husband has left and hadn’t returned our oldest’s phone call. He has put restrictions on how much our kids can eat at his home. My oldest son is maybe an inch or two shorter then me and maybe 60 lbs lighter then me. I am 5’5”. Well oldest son ate too much one morning and then lied to his father about it and then got grounded for the day. My husband can’t seem to find our kids jackets nor dress them in the propper clothing suitable to the weather. They come down from his house in shorts or without a jacket in 40 degree or colder weather. My husband used to yell at me for having my oldest get a drink for his younger brother or make a sandwhich for him when he is doing the same for himself. Well one afternoon he comes down to see me and has a burn on his finger he is complaining about. I asked how he got it. He burnt himself checking to see if his and his brother’s corn dogs that my husband was making them for dinner in the toaster oven were done. My oldest son got a flat tire on his bike and my husband said he would fix it. Several weeks later I had my brother in law fix it for our son because it still was not fixed yet. My husband found this woman on Myspace that he had met from a friend of a friend once before and started seeing her. One week after they start seeing eachother he introduces her and has her stay overnight with our boys there. Then a couple of weeks later informs me in an email that he is thinking of renting out the boys’ bedroom at his house to this woman because he is having issues paying his bills. I guess they break up or something just afterwards. Then my Mom and Sister come out to visit. My Sister tries to help me by going down and talking to him because he has been rude and non-forthcoming in trying to solve some of the mechanics to our divorce and refuses to neither give me some of my belongings nor listen to any of my reasoning or anything. I tried to tell her that she was just going to make things worse for my but she goes down there and he slams the door in her face. She gets angry and starts saying some pretty nasty stuff that yes he deserves but was not needed. It just made things worse for me really. In the middle of November he moves these friends of ours, which moved out of state last year and recently moved back, into our boys’ bedroom at his house. The boys have had to sleep on a queen size air mattress in his room. I tried to express the fact that I didn’t think that it was proper they had to share a room with him and sleep on an air mattress and he refused to even discuss it with me because his duplex is larger than mine. I have a bedroom here with their own beds and everything. Then later that month we get into it on the phone when he starts saying he refuses to pay half of my credit card because I haven’t given him copies of the statements. He had yet to turn over any copies of his statements so I still hadn’t turned over mine. He tells me he wants to go through the statements and decide on what he actually is going to pay for and what I should have to pay for on my own. He also threatens to mention in court that I have been leaving our boys alone at night for 3 ½ hours to go do my job. So I then hire a babysitter who comes when I have the kids and sleeps in my bed and I sleep on the couch. I just stopped communicating with him. I decided to hire an attorney. I cannot work with this man. He does not see anything wrong with his actions. He thinks he is such a great father and I am a mess up and a bad mother. That I will mess up these boys. That I am stupid, unreasonable and anytime I have an issue with something I am bitter or jealous. Yes I have feelings however I have tried to make this work without letting my feelings interfere. Thanksgiving day he hands me a child support worksheet that he figured up that states he will only have to pay me $60 a month for child support. He also refuses to acknowledge my business expenses for my self employed independent contractor job. Then he stopped paying me any money saying he has overpaid me greatly the last 4 months and that I owe him money. Then he changes the password on our health insurance account online so I cannot gain access to find doctors for our kids medical/dental/mental health needs or review the EOBs. I sent him a text when I discovered he did so at 7am one morning. He would normally be up getting ready for work. He responds saying he has and that it is his account because the insurance is through his work and there was nothing in there pertaining to me. I am also still covered under his insurance. I texted him back that yes I do need to get in there and he then texts me back telling me to leave him alone he is sick and not going to work. Then when I text him back saying that I didn’t feel it is right that he disrupt my life and make it hard on me to find doctors and such for my kids. He responds with the same old same old. I am immature. I filed a response to the divorce paperwork he filed back in April to get the ball rolling again. I am fed up. I list all my wants in them including full custody of our boys. He wants joint custody. He thinks now that I am fighting him for full custody because I am bitter. He texted me one day asking if we could get together to discuss custody of the kids. I told him I did not wish to discuss it with him until I hire representation. He stops by my home one evening to drop off paperwork he filed and to complain at me that I refuse to work with him now regarding the boys. Then the next day e-mails me putting on the charm which I just try to fend off with sorry bud you had your chance. Now he is back to degrading me in e-mails. I just can’t seem to find equal footing with this man. He does not respect me or the fact that I should have some say in decisions regarding our kids. Is it stupid to go after full custody? I still want my kids to have visitations with their father. I did not get the chance to have much time with my father and don’t have much of a relationship with him or his side of the family because of that and don’t want that for my kids but I want to make sure my kids are taken proper care of. Are my complaints above reasonable to fight for full custody or just me thinking and being concerned really with just me?
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 This is way too long. Even Judge Judy would faint. or lose the will to live. If you have evidence of his neglect or bad parenting and you want full custody, file for full custody. Talk to your lawyer. or get professional advice. It sounds as if you need it.
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 You need a divorce. You need to have custody, child support, and health insurance all negotiated and court ordered. He cannot just decide what to pay you from week to week. Even if the two of you decide on joint custody he will probably have to supplement you with some support. The debt you owe singly or together, has nothing to do with child support and cannot be deducted from it. That is outrageous. You have decided that he is verbally abusive to you and that the two of you cannot communicate. Why would you continue this saga by not divorcing?
Enema Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 I read the whole thing, it was really quite long but had plenty of juicy drama. Would read again. B+++ You've worked out that you can't deal with the man and have hired representation. Looks like you're on the right track, and I think sole custody is probably a good idea. Keep doing what you're doing and only be in contact with your husband if absolutely necessary.
quankanne Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 and for heaven's sake, document, document, document. Get statements from the people who have had to take up his slack when HE was supposed to be caring for the kids ... but couldn't because he had other interests that took up his time. Also document the fact that he refuses to give the kids their own room in his home – I believe that by law, they're supposed to have their own space? I seem to recall my GF telling me that when she moved back to Texas with two kids in tow ...
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