Lizzyb6938 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hi, I've written on this forum a couple of times. Need some advice. We broke up two months ago after 2.5 years because of petty arguements which were mainly my fault. he wanted to get back together a week later but i said that we would wait until he comes back from his 1.5 month trip to europe. while he was away he contacted me regularly, often saying i miss you etc, sending picture messages. i stayed in contact, writing back short sussinct responses, not really giving anything away, playing it cool. meanwhile i've been dating, having a blast, going out with friends alot, but i do still miss him. neways he's been home a week. I've had a couple of messages, but no phone calls. one message said 'hey still haven't caught up on sleep or reality. but how are you? how was pilates :-)' I wrote back something non commital. Anyways today i get a message saying 'hi lizzy, just wanted to say hi, so hi lol. how are you? do you still want to hear from matt? (yes i know it's bizarre he's talking about himself in the third person) hope all is well.' basically i don't know what to do. i've been reading all these forums and i'm sure most will say no contact from now on which is what i'm seriously considering. but this situation is different i guess because he actually suggested getting back together and i was the one pulling back. any suggestions of what i should do? should i say 'sounds good' or should i just not reply and wait for him to actually call me instead of this sms rubbish?
carhill Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 OK, you say you broke up due to petty arguments which you say were mainly your fault. What do you want here? If you have resolved your behaviors and still think you and he are good for each other and want to try again, NC is not for that, nor for getting him to do something. NC is for you to heal your own psyche and move on as a single person. Do you want that? If you don't, and want him, call him. That can be your fault too. He won't hang up on you.
Author Lizzyb6938 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 i do still think that we're good for each other. should have mentioned that yes we did break up because of petty arguements (mainly about my concerns about him going to europe with his three single friends, i trusted him but just got a little freaked out by it), but that he broke up with me, so that might change the advice a little.
carhill Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Here's some karma.... upon reflection, who do you really believe was the impetus for the breakup? Do you believe his behavior was abrogating an important boundary? I'll give an example. He wanted to go to Europe with three single friends, one of whom was an ex-girlfriend. You were uncomfortable with that and expressed that to him. He resented your lack of trust and broke up with you. Fast forward... Do you see the difference? Did him going to Europe with three single friends really serve to erode your trust and faith in him, or were those issues resident entirely with you? I don't know, as I only have a snapshot of your relationship. He didn't "dump" you because he no longer cared for you. His recent behaviors indicate that. He also is hurting because you didn't trust him and he likely felt he had done nothing to promote that perspective. He hurt so much he got pissed and told you to ef off and see ya later (my version, of course). Based on the facts presented, if you call him and open a line of communication, that you're receptive to him, I think he'll make a proactive effort. Then, if not done, promote further intimacy by sharing with him, in the future, the "why" behind your lack of trust (or jealousy) regarding the pivotal event. That issue is your responsibility. He'll need to take responsibility for the hurt he caused by breaking up with you. Someone has to speak first. Trust me, if you do love each other, the words will flow
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