Silverthorn1973 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well, by now, you all know my break-up story. It's even harder, because I'm relatively new to the city, and have precisely NO friends here. All my good friends are abroad, even on other continents. Calling them only goes so far when one is grieving. Bad enough everything that happened, but I don't even have a single person to hug me when I need it, and it just amplifies every horrible feeling I have with this break-up. Sometimes, it's so bad, I really feel like hurting myself physically, which is really scary because I've never thought like that in my life. I seriously need to cry for a few hours with someone to hug me, other than myself. Tips for coping when you're alone like this are hugely appreciated.
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hugs. It is tough at the best of times, and feeling alone like that makes it so much tougher. Grief counseling, possibly? That may be available through a Faith-based community of your choice. And/or an in-person separation/divorce support group? Those aren't just for people who had legally tied the knot. And/or volunteer work? Sometimes being of service to others helps to take our minds off our own problems. Anything from working at a local food bank, to doing a kids' "reading hour" at the library, to visiting shut-ins. And/or signing up to learn or refresh a special-interest hobby or skill?
Author Silverthorn1973 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks for your lovely suggestions, Ronni. Most of these I would consider a bit later (well, except the fatih-based groups, as I'm atheist). The problem here is the nature of the break-up (over SMS) and the fact I never once had anyone to comfort me in person when the shock of it set in. I know it sounds horribly needy, but an evening of crying it out of my system with someone who knows me and cares about me would go a long way to helping me start to get on with things, and I just can't get it, everyone is too far away. And it's killing me.
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Ah. There are also private practice grief counselors, just that the ones who work within a faith community are most often free or low-cost. The thing that I am feeling compelled to point out is that... What would you say to someone who is agonizing over something that they would dearly love to have but that just is NOT available? For all practical purposes, it is really the same as me just WANTING a flying car, isn't it? To help me get out of that mental rut, someone would have to be kind and courageous enough to say, "Ronni, give your head a shake and then find some other way to satisfy your automotive transport needs!!! Cos what you want here is just not possible." Perhaps your solution might be to schedule an obviously much-needed visit to wherever your largest in-person support network is available? Or, at least, to start focusing your energies into making such a trip possible sooner than later? Something like that -- a realistic 'Plan B' that will totally satisfy your need is what is called for. IMO. I do know it is tough. But ruminating on what you do NOT have can't be offering you too much hope or comfort at this point...gotta try something different than that, even though that trying is gonna be tough, too. Again, many hugs.
Sari Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I know what you are going through, as although I do have friends and family around me no one has given me a hug for ages now, I think they all want me to start moving on and getting over everything, which I am finding hard just 6 weeks on. I had to hug myself last night! That was a low point! I would suggest exercise, nothing makes you feel less like you need a hug than breaking the old pain barrier and having a great boxing session or exhausting yourself with a big run that leaves you sweaty and exhiliarated at the end of it. You will feel proud and independent rather than needy and low, kinda Rocky-esque... I wish I was eating and sleeping enough to utilise this particular advice! I know a good run would make me feel better. If it's any consolation, if I lived in your city I would come and give you a hug - you don't happen to live in London, England do you??
EmperorR Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 It's hard I know, my jealous cheating ex made me give up all my friends I had to do this on my own. Took me months reconnected with some old friends even though there far away. It helps talking to anyone, join a class volunteer, go on a trip.
Surfer Dude Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks for your lovely suggestions, Ronni. Most of these I would consider a bit later (well, except the fatih-based groups, as I'm atheist). The problem here is the nature of the break-up (over SMS) and the fact I never once had anyone to comfort me in person when the shock of it set in. I know it sounds horribly needy, but an evening of crying it out of my system with someone who knows me and cares about me would go a long way to helping me start to get on with things, and I just can't get it, everyone is too far away. And it's killing me. My ex also broke up with me over email. It really sucks doesn't it. All I can tell you is that it will get better. You will survive this, just don't do anything stupid like hurting yourself. Time and no contact help. I think the problem is you're feeling lonely, and breakup was the event that triggered it. You need to start doing something, get a hobby, start working out (it really works), go out and meet new people. I know how horrible it is to just sit home and dwell on the misery our exs brought upon us. So that's why I'm telling you from my experience, go out and do something with your time. Hang in there, you'll make it, trust me.
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