prettybaby Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I know this is a heavy topic here. Here's some background info: we've been dating for about a month now; I think our next date is date #6. He always pays for everything. I finally got him to let me pay for the movie at least, but the restaurant bills are adding up to a ridiculous amount, and I'm starting to feel pretty bad. I have offered to pay a few times, but he insists. Last time, I tried to insist a bit more, but his response was pretty clear, and I didn't want it to turn into some awkward "I'll pay - no, I'll pay" discussion lol As far as "who does the asking out" goes; we're pretty free and equal. We'll usually have a few options on the table and then both discuss them and decide together, so, it's not that clear cut. Should I just insist I pay this time? I can tell him the drinks are on him if he wants lol but I feel like I should at least pay for our meal just once. Especially since it's been going on for a little while now. I was thinking about already stating this in my next message to him (nothing bold or anything; just nicely put it). He's such a gentleman though. Do guys really feel weird if a woman pays? I'm a bit confused about this.
boxing123 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Let me try to explain this. Many men pay, pay, pay. That is all they know. Inside, and to their buddies, they are not saying how wonderful, and how much of a joy it is to pay for date after date, month after month. It is not a huge deal, but when other things might pop up that are not so great, you start to realize that you spent thousands of dollars. Have you done anything for him? Cook for him? Buy him something small when you were out shopping? Are you very appreciative? If you pay, and he let's you, will he turn from a "gentleman" into cheap? The best relationships are the ones in which both contribute in some fashion. Either paying 50/50, or you are doing other things for him.(Besides just sex)
Author prettybaby Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 No, haven't bought him anything yet. The relationship is progressing slowly, but he does seem to really really enjoy my company. So far, I've only managed to pay for the movies we watched lol And I'm not sure what else I could buy him as we're not that far into the relationship yet; it would seem odd. Although Valentine's around the corner, but LoveShack guys insist on sexual favors instead of an actual purchase Our dates generally last about 9 hours total (from about 6PM to the wee hours). My house is being renovated right now, so inviting him over isn't even an option at the moment. Our next date will be relaxing dinner at one place, then walk to another place for desserts, then walk to a third location for drinks lol So there won't be a movie for me to pay ... I'm not sure if I should just tell him the meal's on me this time.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Why not offer to make dinner at his place if yours is undergoing renovations? You can show up with the groceries, and knock his socks off with your culinary talents.
Author prettybaby Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Why not offer to make dinner at his place if yours is undergoing renovations? You can show up with the groceries, and knock his socks off with your culinary talents. Well neither of us cooks! We're both "TV dinner" singles If I wanna knock his socks off, it won't happen with my crappy cooking! And I can't exactly be like "hey, let's order a pizza and eat it at YOUR place".
Girlygirl1977 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well neither of us cooks! We're both "TV dinner" singles If I wanna knock his socks off, it won't happen with my crappy cooking! And I can't exactly be like "hey, let's order a pizza and eat it at YOUR place". Can you at least make choc chip cookies? I'm not a cook but I can make decent cookies so I did this with last guy I was dating. He always insisted on paying. We ended up dating 3months and he insisted on paying throughout. I remember once really pushing it since I picked the restaurant and he let me but then said that going forward he would pay for everything. I snuck in another dinner another time too. He also insisted with cabs and often bought the movie tix ahead of time because theatre was near me. I think guys like that really just see it as natural. But you can do nice things too. I know when he was sick i left him oj, blueberries, and some vitc at his place. Be creative.
boxing123 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 HMMM.. I guess it depends how much you are into him. Long term potential? What I mean by buying him something, is something simple, like a t shirt, a key chain, etc. "Hey, I was out and thought you might like this,or find it funny" etc. I mean after 5 dates it would not be too forward. And he would never forget it. I know how the date might go. "Let me pay for dinner"."No, I got it" "You always pay, let me pay" "No really, no problem at all", "ok" And it might feel weird to a man for you to pay the waiter while he sits back. Not because he enjoys paying, just because that in ingrained into him. So I guess at this point, if you feel odd picking him up a little gift, and cannot invite him over for dinner, and he feels obligated to pay, at least explicitly tell him how much you appreciate it in a full sentence. And learn how to cook. More impressive, and far healthier than eating tv dinners for life.
Author prettybaby Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 ^^ That's very sound advice. I think you're right. And I did notice that his behavior towards paying is mainly influenced by how he wants to be perceived in front of the waiters, etc. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway; which is also why I'm not sure whether I should explicitly offer or not, because I don't want him to feel weird or anything. He is definitely long term relationship potential and clearly feels the same way about me.
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Should I just insist I pay this time? Not so much "insist" as explain to him why it is important TO YOU, that you sometimes contribute financially to the maintenance and progress of your relationship. I used to have same issue when dating, but most normal-brained men do understand the underlying once it is explained. For me, it was that being that type of "kept woman" made me feel incompetent, inadequate, financially dependent and generally unequal. In short, it just felt "icky" . And if a guy didn't seem to care about how I felt about it, then he got moved to the "B list" of men I preferred to date.
Girlygirl1977 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Sorry to be blunt but, have you been intimate yet? Clearly there are some other areas you can show appreciation if this is the case:laugh:
mr.dream merchant Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well neither of us cooks! We're both "TV dinner" singles If I wanna knock his socks off, it won't happen with my crappy cooking! And I can't exactly be like "hey, let's order a pizza and eat it at YOUR place". You know most guys wouldn't mind it. If you showed up at his place with a box of pizza and a blockbuster that night has alot of potential to turn out nice for you. You've been going out with him for a month now a change of pace could be nice.
boxing123 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Ronni, I agree with some of what you wrote. And you have a good idea. Sometimes simply explaining something goes a long way. Just saying "Let me pay", and at the wrong time, hurts more than it helps. But you have to be sincere, and mean it. That you really do want to pay half, or alternate. Not a half hearted open the purse half way, and pray he won't let you pay. Example.. Bill comes, surrounded by lots of tables, waiter standing there, and you take out cash as he sits back. Feels odd for men like him. Once again, not because he simply loves to pay at restaurants, but because that is what he is used to. And girly, all women have and enjoy sex. Not sure if that equals him paying every time.
Girlygirl1977 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Ronni, I agree with some of what you wrote. And you have a good idea. And girly, all women have and enjoy sex. Not sure if that equals him paying every time. I didn't mean it exactly that way oops . .. anyway i wont give further details;) I think perhaps explaining but also a little gift would be nice.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well neither of us cooks! We're both "TV dinner" singles If I wanna knock his socks off, it won't happen with my crappy cooking! And I can't exactly be like "hey, let's order a pizza and eat it at YOUR place". agreed you cannot order a pizza (too early in the relationshp for that), but you can swing by your local gourmet shop and pick up a wonderful dinner, fully cooked (sweet then you have no mess) with a nice bottle of wine. There are many ways to pull together a delicious dinner - you don't have to be able to actually make it yourself!
carhill Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 OP, this ties in with your other thread. When he goes to pay, lean over, give him a nice kiss and tell him to "put that away; I'm taking care of you tonight" Two problems solved
zhsoj Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 OP, this ties in with your other thread. When he goes to pay, lean over, give him a nice kiss and tell him to "put that away; I'm taking care of you tonight" Two problems solved Haha, that's smooth. As a guy it's not that I have a hang-up about always paying. I'd be fine with her paying... But I'd assume the responsibility unless she really said something (more than just a gesture). It's a bit traditional for the guy to pay. To me money just doesn't matter that much. And it's not desperation. Sure it's important, but you can always make more money. Good people are far more important than a new TV. I'd say if it's that important to you, talk to him before the meal about it. If he really insists, then he may just be more traditional in that respect. I wouldn't over-emphasize that one small bit of a relationship.
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Some guys are comfortable with and insist on always paying. Be that as it may, I have found that unless I "contribute" in some way, I just dont feell right. Either buy theater tickets, or invite him to your place for a great meal. Guys love that and it always made me feel a bit more independent.
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