lofi_tokyo Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 So I can't tell if this belongs on the break up thread, or on the dating thread or... work problems? GAH I posted a random thread about a guy who looks exactly (or very close to) my ex at work, and how his girlfriend looks exactly like me (or very close to) and it creeped the hell out of me. This guy and his girlfriend (both 20) started dating a year and a half ago (roughly) and 3 months in, she got pregnant. He proposed, life went on, they have an adorable son now and.... a month ago they broke up (which I discovered today). The guy's Facebook has comments like (a month ago) "_____is heartbroken" and more recently "_____ misses her...". When my ex dumped me, people I never expected made me feel so much better. I think because this guy looks so much like my ex, I felt really badly for him and wanted to cheer him up, or offer someone to lean on. So I started up conversation via Facebook chat - we NEVER talk (not much anyways). Well we talked about his ex - mostly me asking questions, he would kind of brush it off. He did mention however that hes very lonely and just wants to cuddle up with someone and cry. Okay. He kept hitting on me though! We talked for about an hour - and I told him "yeah rebounds are a bad idea". He kept doing it! My mind is blown away! Is he over his ex? I doubt it. Does he want to be over her? I think yes. Was him hitting on me an act of malice? I really cant tell! 50% of me thinks he was playing with me to be rude 50% thinks he was being sincere! Anyways. My point is............ The guy is cute. Hes got a lot of traits I like in a person. But I'm pretty sure I only think hes cool because hes a lot like my ex. I suspect thats why hes acting as he is - same thing. Doppelganger problems!! AHHHHH. I have no idea why I feel like I need advice on this, but any comments on the situation would be great. Because the fact we even talked (I just... said hi to be nice) and he hit on me makes me feel insane.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 No matter what the guy looks like on the outside, it's what's going on, on the inside. He may be like your ex - but temperamentally, he may be nothing like him. Remember initial impressions are always going to be wonderful, because we want to present a front of - well, how wonderful we are.... But he's also reeling from injury and - frankly - he's damaged goods. He may well like you a lot, but this smacks of "comfort me, I'm on the rebound and I need you to fix me". He needs time to heal, but you ain't a sticking plaster honey. I know it's tempting, but I'd keep away from this one, intimately speaking. Let things get a little calmer and on an even keel. Be a friend. Don't be a pillow.
Silverthorn1973 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Take it from me: do not let yourself be taken up on the rebound. Just do not.
EmperorR Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Take it from me: do not let yourself be taken up on the rebound. Just do not. I agree 100%, I remember when I was in his position a month later I was not ready to date etc., but ya I wanted soemone to hold someone to cuddle with spend time with, especially since she looks exactly like you in some weird twisted way you may remind him of the good in his relationship that he wants back so much. Not to mention he has a kid with this girl so I doubt that he is even near to getting over her. I'm not saying there is anything wrong dating a guy with a kid, but the ex who looks exactly like you will always be in the picture.
Goatsbreath Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 My mind is blown away! Is he over his ex? I doubt it. Does he want to be over her? I think yes. Was him hitting on me an act of malice? I really cant tell! 50% of me thinks he was playing with me to be rude 50% thinks he was being sincere! I don't think he is consciously playing you to be rude. You contacted him and hes not even himself right now. Hes probably going through a emotional roller coaster right now and he likes the attention and you might make him forget about his X for a brief moment. In the end you will be a rebound but its not his fault for you showing up with a life raft while hes in the middle of the ocean drowning and asking, "hey, you want to hang on for a little bit."
Author lofi_tokyo Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks everyone for the quick responses. Now that its morning and NOT 3am (lol), I can see things a bit more clearly. My intention in talking to him was not to and is not to become a rebound, nor to date him, not even to hang out, but simply to say... "Hi I've been there, you'll be okay"... because in my own situation, it was nice having people I barely knew come to support me. In response to your post goat, I have another question: He's in an ocean drowning, right? I want to help him - or anyone I know - get out of that sinking feeling. Is it so wrong to help? I guess if I can keep my distance, and consistently remind him I will not be anything more than a shoulder to cry on, things will be okay... but I wonder, are the feelings of a breakup ultimately something one must endure for themselves? Can no help be truly given? For the record, I did not flirt back with him, I deflected his moves towards me, because I recognized them as a confused boy looking to feel better. I'm just not sure how to proceed now that I've gotten myself into this. ;p
didittomyself Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I'd stay clear from this guy I understand the urge to wanna to help someone and it's ok to wan to help and even though you have intentions on keeping your distance but as many of us know when you get caught up that’s exactly what happens, you get caught up and the distance you thought you could keep starts to shrink and you’re officially involved not just with him romantically speaking but with his drama It’s all about you. Stay away for you. I’ve been lurking here in Ls for months now and have seen you give awesome advice. It’s your turn sweetheart, to take advice from us. Stay away, you’ll be happier. You may not see it because when you’re dead in the middle of it, you get custom fitted with blinders, then that ‘never say die’ attitude that we all have in us kicks in and you’ll refuse to bail because you’ll feel like you can weather anything and you can help him ‘fix’ whatever is wrong. By this time it’s too late you’ll be emotionally vested and leaving no longer becomes an option. If and maybe even when it all falls apart, you’ll felt like you’re holding the bag because you would have opened yourself and essentially brought yourself down to his level….As you’re going down in to his pit, to ‘save’ him, you’re going down but he’s healing and when he’s all healed and wants to experience his life, you’ll be stuck in that pit with no one but LS to help you get out all the while you’ll feel an unbearable pain. I speak from experience my dear, I got heart broken twice by the same woman because I wanted ‘help’ and thought I could maintain a healthy distance but in the end she got better and I did not and wanted to live her ‘healthy’ life without me in it. Save yourself the anguish… My two cents, at the end of the day this is your decision just be careful and read everyone’s posts before taking on such an endeavor. I feel for you because I think you have a strong desire to be there for him in the hopes that he’ll see your contributions to his life. But in the end, when he feels better about himself, he could very well forget how he got to such a good place (meaning that you were at his side the whole time)
Author lofi_tokyo Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Thanks for the heartfelt reply ditto, I appreciate it. When I saw this thread got a new post two weeks later I kinda thought I would be behind needing advice but! Your post really keeps me in check with things revolving that guy. You're absolutely right that involving myself emotionally in helping him will most likely end up in him being happy with himself some day and leaving. Since previously posting on this topic, I have stopped inquiring about and attempting to help him with his personal life. That being said, there are definately days when I want to talk to him about things, because I can see the strain on his face and I just want to cheer him up. Your post will and already is helping keep me strong in my resolve to keep things professional (as I work with him), be a friend when needed, but thats it - a friend.
didittomyself Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 as you already know, I've been through what you almost went through and know first hand that when you get them on your feet, they feel good enough to walk away. I'm not saying to never take a chance because who knows this person could be different. I just wanted to make you aware. Didn't want you to go through what i'm going through...being the transition relationship Rebounding is wrong, I liken it to feeding a stray animal, after they get their meal for the night, they up and leave looking for their next hand out.... sorry, it's not that cold or is it? Take care and I'm glad your watching out for yourself.
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