jealousagain Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Hello all: Here's my situation. My boyfriend of six months told me yesterday that he is going on a double date with his best friend, where he will be serving as "wingman." This best friend is going out on a first date with a MARRIED WOMAN, so that shows how HE feels about commitment... The married woman will be bringing a friend for my boyfriend to occupy; the woman said that she wanted it to be a "group thing" and I'm not quite buying it. She probably isn't sure about how she feels about this whole thing, and wants a "voice of reason" to accompany her to ensure that she and the best friend don't hook up. What I'm afraid of is that the friend the married woman will bring along is attractive and smart, or at least more so than me, and that my boyfriend will like her. I am also afraid that he may "take one for the team" even if he DOESN'T like the other girl because his friend may pressure him if he really wants to hook up with this woman. I also think that this date is disrespectful to me, just the fact that he is willing to go along with something like this makes me not want to trust him and I feel slighted that he would even consider it. I'm under the impression that a guy that's happy in his relationship doesn't want to go on a double date to help a friend get laid. I'm not trying to be cynical about all of it, and I'm generally a pretty trusting person; I just think that this is inexcusable and I am not pleased. I don't know if I'm just being jealous and neurotic or if I have genuine reason to be concerned. I told my boyfriend how I felt about all of this in an e-mail that he hasn't responded to yet. I told him, too, that we needed to talk about it, and we will. I just wanted to get some advice first so I can go into it with a clear head and not make assertions that could potentially end the relationship. Thanks in advance for the advice.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 If he thinks it's ok to do this, he's crazy. If his pal wants someone to back him up, tell your BF to suggest he finds someone who already doesn't have a GF, or maybe suggest YOU go along too. This last bit will go down like a lead balloon. You would definitely cramp everyone's style. Why? Because it's wrong. It's not what they want..... If he still says he's going to do this, tell him, straight up, no discussion: He won't be coming back to you. It's playing with fire. And for goodness sake, mean it. Or you'll be 'little miss doormat' from now on.
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I don't see a reason why you could not attend the "group thing" too. This way MW should feel eve more at ease - two guys and two girls sounds like a double date, five people sounds more like a real group thing. I am sure that if the MW's friend risks feeling embarassed, they could find another single friend who could tag along. Unless of course someone has something to hide.
Author jealousagain Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 He did tell me that I could come along, but I refused because I don't want to condone a date between a guy and a married woman. I want no part of the whole thing, because it goes against my value system. Plus I don't want to be the fifth wheel, if you know what I mean.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Oh no - really, Man! I would just jump at the chance of being a 5th wheel! I'd tell this cheating liar exactly what I thought, of what she was doing! Hell, go for it! Give her my best huh?? If we have morals and ethics, why shouldn't we let people know what they are? She seems very happy to show her lack of them..... Why should it be taboo to condemn infidelity in public?
atwitsend Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Keep that line in the sand. If he goes out with them, he will end up doing it. Even if you tell him he can go but not have sex. If this woman wants to cheat and screw your BFs BFF. There is no need for the double date. The whole purpose of this date is to do a group thing. If you don't set a demarcation line in your relationship with him. He will cause you nothing but pain.
MichelleS1983 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 JealousAgain, you're worried about making assertions that could cause the end of your relationship? What the hell does your boyfriend think HE'S doing, going on a supposed 'date' so his scumbag friend can bag a married woman? Either your boyfriend is AWFULLY loyal to his buddy, or he's actually getting a kick out of going on a blind date and breaking away from the commitment of your relationship, and I'm banking on the latter. He knew you wouldn't come along when he threw out the invitation and he was right - you don't want to go with them. There's a payoff for your boyfriend in all this, or he wouldn't be risking his relationship with you just to help out his 'good buddy.' My boyfriend would never DREAM of doing anything this outrageous - any more than I would to 'help out' a female friend. Their skuzzy little double date idea is ridiculous and absolutely disrespectful to YOU and your relationship. And the married woman isn't bringing along a friend to be her 'voice of reason,' it's simply easier to get away with crap like this when you're with a buddy and have someone to help back up your story and help get you out of the house for a 'girl's night out.' I can see right through her pathetic little ruse. I hate to say it, but there's something REALLY wrong with your relationship if your boyfriend not only thinks this is a fine idea, but has TOLD you he's going to do it without even batting an eye. It speaks volumes as to how NOT seriously he takes your relationship. I can guarantee you that if you told HIM you were accompanying a girlfriend on a double date so she could get to know some guy better, he'd find PLENTY wrong with it. Plenty. He's an idiot.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 JealousAgain, you're worried about making assertions that could cause the end of your relationship? What the hell does your boyfriend think HE'S doing, going on a supposed 'date' so his scumbag friend can bag a married woman? Either your boyfriend is AWFULLY loyal to his buddy, or he's actually getting a kick out of going on a blind date and breaking away from the commitment of your relationship, and I'm banking on the latter. He knew you wouldn't come along when he threw out the invitation and he was right - you don't want to go with them. There's a payoff for your boyfriend in all this, or he wouldn't be risking his relationship with you just to help out his 'good buddy.' My boyfriend would never DREAM of doing anything this outrageous - any more than I would to 'help out' a female friend. Their skuzzy little double date idea is ridiculous and absolutely disrespectful to YOU and your relationship. And the married woman isn't bringing along a friend to be her 'voice of reason,' it's simply easier to get away with crap like this when you're with a buddy and have someone to help back up your story and help get you out of the house for a 'girl's night out.' I can see right through her pathetic little ruse. I hate to say it, but there's something REALLY wrong with your relationship if your boyfriend not only thinks this is a fine idea, but has TOLD you he's going to do it without even batting an eye. It speaks volumes as to how NOT seriously he takes your relationship. I can guarantee you that if you told HIM you were accompanying a girlfriend on a double date so she could get to know some guy better, he'd find PLENTY wrong with it. Plenty. He's an idiot. Why is his friend the scumbag? If anyone is the piece of trash in this scenario its the married woman.
MichelleS1983 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Why is his friend the scumbag? If anyone is the piece of trash in this scenario its the married woman. You're absolutely right, Mr. Dream Merchant - the married woman IS a scumbag. But the poster doesn't know the married woman from Adam - however, she DOES know her boyfriend and his creepy buddy. The BOTH of them are disrespecting her and the relationship she has with her boyfriend - all so this jerk can get himself laid. That's why I have a much bigger issue with the two guys - because they're BOTH treating the original poster like a used kleenex.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 You're absolutely right, Mr. Dream Merchant - the married woman IS a scumbag. But the poster doesn't know the married woman from Adam - however, she DOES know her boyfriend and his creepy buddy. The BOTH of them are disrespecting her and the relationship she has with her boyfriend - all so this jerk can get himself laid. That's why I have a much bigger issue with the two guys - because they're BOTH treating the original poster like a used kleenex. True. So long as you're roasting all the deserving factors in this case I'm good. I don't want people to home in on the OP's BF's friend when there are more despicable people in the scenario.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Honestly, I would go along as your boyfriend's date and leave the other woman as the fifth wheel. It is a gross situation, but the chances of it becoming grosser are greater if you don't go.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 True. So long as you're roasting all the deserving factors in this case I'm good. I don't want people to home in on the OP's BF's friend when there are more despicable people in the scenario. Hence my post #5..... I'm in complete agreement, guys.....
serial muse Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Honestly, I would go along as your boyfriend's date and leave the other woman as the fifth wheel. It is a gross situation, but the chances of it becoming grosser are greater if you don't go. Exactly. Why on earth would you think you're going to be the fifth wheel here? He's your BF. And maybe you and this fifth-wheel woman can bond over how screwed-up the situation is and you can all wonder aloud what you're all doing there.
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Plus I don't want to be the fifth wheel, if you know what I mean. As LucreziaBorgia said you would not be the fifth wheel - MW's friend would be. Of course it would be perfectly reasonable that you ask him to avoid such a situation, but if you go, you get the chance to check out - your bf's reaction - the female friend - the situation and learn valuable information about your bf and his best friend.
lovingalways Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Go on this "double date". My ex did this to me (I wasn't invited hence the term ex) and the double date thing: the other girl liked him. Soooo... Go to it. But, I'm going to be honest, the fact that he even CONSIDERS this okay is a red flag in my eyes. It's disrespectful and I honestly despise men like that. Those are the men you have to dump and run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I wouldn't even feel for his sorry @$$.
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 All four of the people going on this date think that cheating is OK. Including the married woman's friend and your boyfriend. If your boyfriend goes, he not only is showing you that he is OK with cheating - but is going on a date himself. A blind date. Thats exactly what it is. If you go, you would not be the extra wheel. I would say at this point, yes you have to accept your BF invitation to join them. If he says OK and the date continues, you know he wasnt planning on cheating on you. If he says OK and the date suddenly is cancelled , you know he was.
Treasa Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Wingmen generally help a man get a date. Once he has one, he should be able to get through it on his own. The whole thing is shady. Methinks that your BF's friend and the woman should conduct this sordid business on their own and not involve other people. However, your boyfriend should not be going on a double date with someone else. I'd tell him to get a new girlfriend if he wanted to do that crap.
O'Malley Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Wingmen generally help a man get a date. Once he has one, he should be able to get through it on his own. Agreed. I've heard of friends acting as 'beards' for their cheating pals, but this one definitely takes the cake.
angie2443 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Just by accepting the invitation to go out on this date, your boyfriend is showing you sides to his personallity that are not good for long term relationships. I'm wondering how young you all are. Have you had much dating experience before? Is the relationship trustworthy otherwise? Just some things to think about.
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