LakesideDream Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Exposing an affair in progress is appropriate. Waiting a year to expose an affair smacks of punishment for the affair partners. I say keep quiet, the time to expose the affair passed. Future events are another matter altogether.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 My husband told me that she was into the relationship more than he was. He told me that he loves her as a friend but has no desire whatsoever to get back into an affair with her. He told me at this point he could easily just be friends with her and NOT cross any lines but he doesn't think she could do the same. NOT that that is ever an option, mind you. He's just speculating. He says they had a real connection as friends before the "feelings" came. Don't believe him on that one. They had a FOUR YEAR EMOTIONAL AFFAIR and some of it was physical as well. He is putting this all on her, that she pursed him more than he pursued her. A 4 year affair isn't one sided. His feelings for her may have faded some, but the fact is, they still see eachother at work so whatever leftover feelings he has for her, ARE being fed. Maybe in his mind he thinks it's innocent and isn't going anywhere, but that doesn't change what he did. 4 years is NOT a mistake and unplanned. That 'real' connection is fake because if they had a real connection and it was honest and platonic, neither of them would have let an affair happen. They CANNOT ever be friends, that's why NC is important. Her husband needs to know so he can decide if he wants to forgive her or divorce.
NoIDidn't Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 Hit send. Pick up the phone and call. Do whatever you have to do to contact this man. The amount of time elapsed is not so much that he would not benefit from the information. And don't tell your husband what you are doing. You need to see how he reacts to the news to tell you the truth about any ongoing contact between the two. My take. They are definitely still in contact. They work together and in the same department! In my sitch, things between my hubby and his co-worker didn't end until I called her live-in boyfriend. Then things got interesting. It was a full month later, but it was worth it. I promised my hub that I wouldn't contact her and he promised me that it was over between them - no more contact. But he lied to me - and I knew he lied. I waited until he went out of town for business to contact her and her boyfriend. Don't worry about the consequences to her. They are not your problem. She wasn't worried about how her actions affected you.
JustBreathe Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I have to disagree about one year being too far past the time to inform the H about the affair. A year is not a long time. It takes that long to recover and stop your head from spinning from having your whole world turned upside down. Actually, I think it's the perfect time because you are thinking more clearly now, everything is not so raw and bleeding, and can probably handle it better. Your H will say whatever it takes to keep you from telling because of HIS own feelings, not yours, not hers, not her husband's. He will not hate you for it always.. just for a little while. I told our closest friends, our neighbors and his family. He was mad as heck but he eventually got over it. Tell him. Even though it hurts, aren't you glad you know?
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 As much as I realize this will cause pain I truly believe that this is something that I have to do for my own recovery. I think about telling him way too much. It's not just about "revenge". I've wanted to actually sit down and talk with him from the beginning to see if I could find something about him that might justify her looking to MY husband for the things she wasn't getting from him. I don't like hurting people so even in telling him I want to be as sensitive as possible. I've decided that first I'm going to tell her that I'm going to tell him and give her the opportunity to talk to him before he gets my message. My vengeful side says just tell him yourself and let her get ambushed with his reaction, she didnt' care about you afterall. But since I would not want that, I'm going to give her some time to prepare. Then it's out of my hands and I don't have to think of that aspect of the affair anymore. I want this all to truly be in the past so that I can completely focus on healing my marriage and working on myself and my relationship with my husband. I don't want to keep going back to thinking what I "should" have done. And it's true that I'm thinking more clearly now than when this first happened and she should absolutely have repercussions for her part in all this. This does have a lot to do with me and not just her and her husband. I can't get away from the fact that I would want to know and I don't feel it's MY responsibility to protect her. I feel too that if she thought that this would never come up again and that she and her husband would just move on without dealing with this she was mistaken. He has just as much right to know whe she is capable of as I have knowing what my husband is capable of.
Owl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 DO NOT tell her first!!!! That will totally negate any value of you telling him. It won't force her to tell the truth...what it WILL do is provide her the opportunity to do damage control before you even call him. She'll tell him that some crazy woman is stalking her. She'll say that you're making it all up just to hurt her (for whatever reason). She'll spin the whole thing to make it seem like you're a nutcase, and she's being wrongfully accused. Tell him FIRST. Don't tell your H, don't tell her...tell HIM. Advance warning will completely negate any value to telling him.
travelgirl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Why in the world would you tell her first? So she can talk your husband into telling you NOT to tell. So she will contact your husband?? They will both try and make you feel guilty. And Owl is right, she will do damage control, make you out to be the bad person, maybe even tell him you are a nut job and looking to ruin her because your husband has a crush on her and she didn't do anything. The LAST thing you want to do is tell her. Just go to him, expose it, let her get crushed and realize the damage she has done to her own marriage/family. Let him make sure she never contacts your husband ever ever ever again. Please - do not tell her. You will regret it. Don't say a word to her ever. And if she tries to contact you after you talk to her H, don't give her the satisfaction to vent and try and make you feel guilty. Tell him, close the door on her and move on.....
Maladjusted Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Agreed. Do not tell her first. If you feel the need to tell her husband, tell her husband. If you talk to her first she will likely "prepare" herself by telling the husband that some crazy woman is going to say she had an affair she never had. If you speak with the husband, hit him with facts and evidence to counteract anything she might say.
Athena Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Definitely do not tell her first!!!! Did she ask your permission before she shagged your H? hmmm? You should not be considering her at all, she has proved herself to be dishonest, and nothing good will come of you preparing her. She will feed her H lies about you and everything. You need to go directly to him.
NoIDidn't Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Maddiesue Please don't tell her first. This will give her time to come up with a lie or to use your husband against you. Just tell him and forget about how it looks, okay? Did they for one minute think about how it would look if the A was found out? No. I'm not saying to be vengeful. Only people in the affair would think that - or people who think she deserves your respect when she has shown you disrespect. I'm saying, you are doing this for you, not for her. Not for your husband. Not even for her H, but for yourself. You need him to know so that HE can keep his eyes and ears open instead of feeling like you have to do it for the both of you. The longer you hold on to telling him, the longer you will likely feel like you aren't able to just focus on your own marriage. Don't bother telling her first. You would regret that far more than just telling him outright.
JustBreathe Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I so agree!! To tell her first gives her the opportunity to concoct a story! She will most certainly contact your husband and they will come up with some kind of b.s. story as that is the mantra of all affair partners - DENY DENY DENY. Like Owl said, she will greatly downplay what she did and then make you out to be some kind of deranged overly jealous wife when she - she'll say your husband was just a friend or whatever. Do not tell her first! She is not your friend!
Dexter Morgan Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 Anyway, I've already written everything that I want to say to him and have my finger on the button to send it to him. Can anyone give me a good reason why I shouldn't? Nope, I can't give you one solid reason why you shouldn't rat her out. And setting revenge aside, the most solid reason to rat her out is that her husband deserves to know.
blueintheface Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 your husband sounds like he is trying to protect the OW which is an extension of the EA to me. i did only read the first page though... i guess you kept everything in & now you're going to explode. should've done it sooner but better late than never.
vainla Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 I am going through the same thing, but it was the OWH who found out long before me. He kept it quiet while protecting his assets and protecting his children then he blew it out, but I didn't know. By the time I found out, it was a little too late for me. My H. had already move things here and there to make sure he keeps almost everything if we get a divorce. I wish the OWH had thought about my child too, but in this boat every one cover their own ass only. Please tell him. She might do it again with someone else. He has the right to protect himself if he had been faithful.
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Just wanted to let you know that I just sent the husband of the OW the email about his wife's affair. I'm not happy that I felt I had to do it and to be honest I hate being put in this position but I had reached a point where I HAD to do something. I was thinking about it way too much. Now it's up to him and his wife if they want to work it out or not. I don't feel like I'm protecting her anymore. I think I felt that way because I met her and trusted her and for her to do that to me was awful. Also, I always feared what I would do if I would see them since we do go to some of the same places, especially in the summer. I always had these fantasies about what I would say to her and her husband. Now I feel that if I ever do see them I can just ignore them. I feel kind of sick that this whole thing had to even happen. I don't like that I'm the one "making the phone call" about the possible death of his marriage. I just believe I thought about, analyzed it, sought advise about it and spoke to my counselor about it enough where I was in a no win situation. For me....I had to say something to him.
vainla Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 keep us posted. There are a lot to be learned from someone else's experiences.
Bryanp Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You absolutely did the right thing. He had a right to know and to protect himself. Do not second guess yourself.
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Maddiesue I'm glad you contacted him in some way. Don't beat yourself up over it, you are only the messenger. His W, and your H, did the damage to both marriages. Now, wait and see what YOUR H does once he finds out. And he WILL find out as I am sure they are still very much in contact about more than just work. The nerve of him protecting her and not you.
Lucky7880 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Maddiesue, Don't be hurt or disappointed if you hear nothing from the OWH. When my husband had an affair I sent the OWH a letter, I turned up at their door to see if they got the letter and eventually I tried to speak to him. I felt him and I were allies and the victims and I wanted to speak to him and ask how he was coping with it. I couldn't make up my mind if he was incredibly cool or incredibly stupid. I suspect that I was painted as some mad delusional bitch who was making it all up. This caused me so much grief and I talked to other people about it. It appears that there are men in this world who will put up with their wife having affairs. Just don't get your hopes raised that anything will come of this- you've done what you had to do (as I did) and hopefully can move on.
SierraRose Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I am not saying this is the right things to do...personally? I'd sing like a canary...but that's just me.
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