HeidiB125 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 A year ago I found out my husband had an affair with a co-worker. A 4 year emotional and later physicial affair. I met her several times in the past and was totally shocked when I found out about it through emails. My first reaction was to tell her husband what she and my husband had done. Shortly after finding out, my husband and I started working on our relationship and I allowed him to persuade me not to say anything to him. I've been struggling with that decision ever since. My husband and I are doing better but still have a long way to go. I still feel so betrayed by her actions (and his too) but feel she got off too easy. Plus early on I contacted her several times through emails and she never even had the decency to respond to me or even attempt an apology (that may have been too much to expect, I guess). Anyway, I've already written everything that I want to say to him and have my finger on the button to send it to him. Can anyone give me a good reason why I shouldn't? I've even considered telling her first so he won't ambush her with what I send to him. Though she doesn't deserve a warning. What do you think?
desertmoon Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 My husband and I are doing better but still have a long way to go. I still feel so betrayed by her actions (and his too) but feel she got off too easy. Plus early on I contacted her several times through emails and she never even had the decency to respond to me or even attempt an apology (that may have been too much to expect, I guess). Anyway, I've already written everything that I want to say to him and have my finger on the button to send it to him. Can anyone give me a good reason why I shouldn't? I've even considered telling her first so he won't ambush her with what I send to him. Though she doesn't deserve a warning. What do you think? Hello Maddiesue! Welcome to the forum! I will get right to the point. So your primary reason to tell the OW's husband is to punish her, am I right? Let's just say you tell him and he has one of the following reactions: 1) divorces her 2) gets physically violent with her 3) gets so distraught ,he kills himself 4) gets physically violent with your husband 5) gets so distraught, kills your husband, kills his wife and kills himself 6) he already knows because she told him and it is a dead issue to them and therefore it won't be satisfyng to you 7) he won't do anythng but cry because he is a wimp and again it is not going to be satisfying to you If you think the risk is worth taking, I say go for it. Or you can put all your energy into rebuilding your marriage, instead of worrying about how OW had it easy....
Reggie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I think it is always best to tell. Her husband has the right to know so he can decide if he wants to divorce or stay. Also, he has been exposed to your H's sexual history now and may need to be tested for STDs.
imagine Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I agree with Reggie. Call him directly. Explain how your marriage is coming along. Next thing is to get husband out of the workplace. Bad vibe.
Adunaphel Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Is OW still a threat? If the affair is completely over and you are sure that your H and OW are not talking anymore and keeping interactions to a minimum, I'd think twice before contacting her H. As long as she wants to stay married to her H and she knows you *could* contact her H and tell him everything, she has a very good reason to say away from your H. She has planty to lose. If you are worried the affair might still be going on, it's a different matter.
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks for your replys. Believe me, I've agonized over the negative repercussions this might cause in her life and relationship with her husband. Also the fact he may contact my husband and cause a chain of events where my children may find out. I can't seem to get away from the feeling that she/they didn't give a damn about how I would feel and react. If I would hurt myself or my husband. I've been in counseling and on medication since I found out. I'm at least giving her that consideration before I tell him. That is in essense why I wanted to give her a warning so that she can break the news to him herself before my email. I'm just so tired of thinking about it and want to lay at least that debate in my mind aside. At times I'm not so sure our marriage can make it. Not so much because of us not loving each other or wanting it to work for our children but something within me that can't seem to move past the years of lying and betrayal. Our marriage was not good but there was an honor amoung thieves if you will. We were honest about not being happy in our marriage and I guess inevitably getting a divorce. Him having an affair was off the scale of dishonesty for me. He knew I was unhappy and would have given him a divorce. The affair was selfish on so many levels. I feel I've always been very mature about handling this. I just see my husband moving on and wanting to put it behind him and I see her still married and her husband not knowing what his wife is capable of and I feel like I'm the only one still hurting. I'm trying to find ways to put this to rest but I'm not succeeding.
65tr6 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Is OW still a threat? If the affair is completely over and you are sure that your H and OW are not talking anymore and keeping interactions to a minimum,. i agree. How long has the NC been in place ? If you have slighest doubt that there is contact again, I would call OW husband with NO warning to anyone. Negative repercussions in her life ? I doubt know about that. It is best to leave that judgement for her husband.
65tr6 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I can't seem to get away from the feeling that she/they didn't give a damn about how I would feel and react. If I would hurt myself or my husband. precisely. All the more reason why you want to call her husband, if you think there is contact, not out of resentment or revenge, but purely from protecting your and her family from being further destroyed
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 They still work together in the same department, however, my husband assures me that they don't speak to each other at all. She even avoids him...so he says. Of course now I have severe trust issues. I know he wants our marriage to work so I choose to believe him. They were "friends" for so long that when I discoverd the affair and I didn't demand "no contact" (as far as I was concerned we were over anyway) they worked it out between them that whatever I asked for they would abide by. I later asked for no contact and from what I've heard there has not been any. However, again when I found out that the affair wasn't limited to a few months in 2007 and I found out that it began in 2003 and was a struggle for both of them for 4 years I wrote to her telling her she should leave, as was discussed between her and my husband. I said that if she didn't then I would be contacting her husband. The non confrontational person that I am I waited and hoped either she would leave or that I would find all this easier to live with. So far it's not been easier for me. My husband says I'm just looking for revenge, which I am willing to admit is part of it. But for me things are always multi level.
2sure Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I caught my husband texting several other women - dur to previous circumstance and the nature of the text conversations , I considered this cheating ( and it was). I contacted the OW, who were all married or otherwise attached. I told them that if I ever again had so much as an inkling that there had been contact between them again, regardless of who initiated it , I would send all of my information to their spouse or SO. I made my husband aware of this and he was pissed off - fearing retribution via one of their husbands, embarassement, etc. Too bad. The threat of contacting their spouse seemed to be enough, as there was never any further contact. The fact that your condition was not met - she didnt leave, clearly means you were not taken seriously. No wonder you having trouble moving on... As it stands, you are the sole victim of their actions. Until the WS (in this case both of them) are the victims of their own actions - nothing will change. The inconvenience, the embarrassment, the professional relationships lost - they didnt care when they took the risk. You are the only one who seems to consider these factors important. They clearly felt it was worth it. Recovering from infidelity starts with No Contact AND revealing the affair. So far, no one but you has been affected. This is wrong.
jwi71 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Maddiesue, 1) Why is your H still working with a woman with which he has no boundaries? How can the A end if he has routine contact with her - the same contact which began the A? Its hard to believe the A is over if they still work together. I'd force him to quit. And if he won't on his, then point two below will convince him. 2) Tell her H. The only way to be certain the A is over is to drag it out into the open - and this means telling her H. It also means talking with your H's boss, your family, his family, friends...the world. Once everyone knows the A will probably die a swift and humiliating death. And if the OW goes through her own version of hell - consider it a bonus. You must tell in order to identify the friends of the M...no point in asking for help if those you ask were facilitating the A.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I've even considered telling her first so he won't ambush her with what I send to him. Though she doesn't deserve a warning. What do you think? This means he STILL IS very much in contact with her. If he doesn't speak to her at work and avoids her then it shouldn't matter what you decide to do by contacting her husband. Sorry but the fact they SEE eachother daily and work together isn't a good thing. How do feelings go away if you have to deal with the other person 5 days a week? Are you sure the A is over and it hasn't turned back into an emotional affair? Why haven't you asked your husband to find another job, or be transferred somewhere else? A 4 year affair IS a big deal and you should be DEMANDING no contact.
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Agreed...still working with her after a FOUR YEAR affair absolutely = continued contact and potentially continued affair. At the very least, there is NO WAY that your trust in him can EVER be built while he's still working with her. NONE, ain't gonna happen. INSIST that he makes a change to remove himself from that environment. AND...since this very much could still be a continuation of that affair...ABSOLUTELY you should tell her H the whole of what's gone on. Odds are, he'll also be insisting that one of the two of them leave the work place.
JamesM Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I have mixed feelings on this. Mostly I think you should tell her H. Here is why.... 1. If it was you and he knew and you did not, what would you want? 2. If your H and the OW still work together, what is in place so that they do not begin the affair again? Truthfully, nothing. They would simply need to keep it from YOU. 3. Four years is a long time. Ending it by a simply supposed NC while still at the same job will not permanently end it IMO. The only way it will end is if both know that beginning it again affects both of them. And having her H know exactly what happened will do that. 4. The only person being hurt by all of this is you. Your husband is not nor is the OW. Yes, they are now supposedly in NC, but their actual lives have not been affected. Even your H is doing fine with his family. The next thing he will be saying to you is "Get over it." 5. The only reasons your H does not want you to tell are...to cover his own behind and to protect the OW. By telling you not to tell, he puts his AND the OW's feelings ahead of your own. This is wrong...very wrong. Now the reasons why not.... 1. It will damage the progress (if there is any) of the rebuilding of your marriage. Your husband will be mad. The question is...does this matter? Do you expect your marriage to survive? And before you say no too quickly. I know of someone in a similar situation (less time in an affair) who have rebuilt their marriage after he had an affair. It has been three years since the D Day. She does not regret her choice. 2. It will become more public with your children and probably with other people. 3. Your H may be in danger of physical retribution. Of course, this may be a reason to tell, too. 4. Her H probably won't have any STDs unless your H had one, and if she or he did, then you would have one. So, telling the OW's H for reasons of his health are probably not a good reason. 5. Your H could lose his job. You decide. Personally, not trying to sway your decision, I would be more inclined to do what is best for YOU and YOUR marriage. I would not worry about it affecting her or her marriage.
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 You all are giving me so much to think about. I should have come here a long time ago instead of draining my sister dry with my constant speculations about what to do. When I first found out, I contacted the OW and asked her to leave, since she had told my husband that she would be looking for another job anyway since seeing each other every day would be too difficult. When this wasn't happening, I asked my husband to leave and he said that with the money he was making at this job and with the economy like it was he didn't want to risk leaving his job of so many years. I can understand that but it didn't make it easier for me. He's now looking to be transferred...which may or may not happen. Everything is so slow moving. I think there is a certain progression with things like this. I've tried for a long time to just put it behind me and work on my marriage, which I have been doing. Even more than my husband. I took all of this VERY seriously and if we're not going to work on it now...when? I think them working together is affecting me much more than I realize...it's like she's still there. Even if I totally and completely believe my husband, he's still "seeing" her everyday. I told him that there are many ways to communicate and it doesn't always need to be verbal. I'm sure he'll never confess to their eyes meeting across the room, etc.... Even after a year, I still don't get how people can do this to one another. I totally understand attraction and the temptation of an affair but to selfishly and knowingly hurt someone that you supposedly have at least some love for is beyond me. I told my husband yesterday that he didn't know me at all or when this happened he would have run away from it knowing how much I would be devastated. "Our marriage wasn't good." or "I thought we were getting a divorce anyway." are not excuses in my book. Especially when our marriage was the way it was mostly because of his issues. Which he admitted to himself. I've always been passive aggressive and non confrontational so that didn't help matters at all and I actually enabled his behavior (not the affair...that was totally him). But, come on, I would have gladly given him his freedom to pursue this woman, even being 6 months pregnant. But I guess then I would have been able to pursue other men too and that didn't sit well. That and having visitation with the kids. Well...live and learn and believe me I'm living and learning.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 think them working together is affecting me much more than I realize...it's like she's still there Their feelings are still being fed by seeing eachother daily. The actual A might be over, but they are still connected on an emotional level.
Enema Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Any future problem you guys have, or if the reconciliation gets difficult for this weak man... she's right there for him to run to. It's like having a weight watchers meeting at Krispy Kreme.
JustBreathe Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Hah!! A weight watcher's meeting at Krispy Kreme! I love that line! It's right on target. I never told OW husband and I regret it, even though he is sick and can't work. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him with his medical condition and al. Even with THAT excuse not to tell, I feel bad wondering if the OW is still sleeping around on him, whether he ever found out, whether he's still being cuckolded. He would not deserve that. I am in the "tell the H" camp. I don't know if I'd tell my H's boss as he needs a good reference when he finds a new job... and he WOULD be seriously looking for a new job.
Athena Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Your H has no reason to 'hate' her or avoid her. They agreed to break it off, but what did they do with their feelings? My H is working abroad, back in the same town as OW. Although she is supposedly still seriously dating one of his good friends and unavailable to my H, he has done her a favor by picking her and her female friend up from a bar and driving them home when they couldn't find a taxi to get back home. When I spoke to H about his having contact with OW, he responded that he doesn't hate her... he quite likes her as a person. So -- just because I don't like OW, or think there should be any contact, doesn't mean that H is motivated like me -- I am sure he would love to remain friends. How does your H feel about OW? Does he have warm feelings toward her? Do the people in their office know about their four year romance?
Author HeidiB125 Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 My husband told me that she was into the relationship more than he was. He told me that he loves her as a friend but has no desire whatsoever to get back into an affair with her. He told me at this point he could easily just be friends with her and NOT cross any lines but he doesn't think she could do the same. NOT that that is ever an option, mind you. He's just speculating. He says they had a real connection as friends before the "feelings" came. That was our story too though...we were friends for a year before we started dating. Now I feel cheated out of what was special about us. After the affair came out he said that he felt like he was "burned out" from all the guilt and lying and didn't feel much of anything towards anyone...her or me. We talked about that and decided to give it time (I wasn't going to give it too much time). Now he does say he has feelings for me and I can see that that is true. Actually I think the shoe is on the other foot now. When we first decided to work on our marriage I was so happy that I jumped around him like a little puppy all the time. Now he's the one who seems to be looking for more and I'm the one who's struggling about the relationship...but even THAT isn't everyday. Just by living through this day by day, I know that this is a long process filled with ups and downs. That's why I'm not going to act on my feelings and emotions until I'm sure about them. One day may be bad and I want out but then the next day is good and I'm glad I didn't act on it. No one in the office knows about it. No one in my family except two people know about it and her sister knows about it in her family. That's what bothers me too. I'm not saying EVERYONE has to know about it because I don't want my kids to find out but the fact that I was pursuaded not to say anything, in my mind to "protect" them/us, makes me think that she is now able to live her life as if nothing happened. My husband seems to think losing him is pain enough because she was so in love with him. Not to be immature but "BARF!".
Owl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Your H does NOT get to say a darned thing about 'what is enough or not'!!!! That is NOT his call. Nor does he get to set limits on who needs to know, who you can go to for support, etc... Stop letting him call the shots. He lost that right when he crossed the line.
lkjh Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Im sorry for you and your kids. Your H has not ended it if he still works with her. I say tell her H. She has been cheating on him for years and he has the right to know? If he knew before you did would you have wanted him to tell you?
JustBreathe Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 If you don't tell her H, you will always regret it in some part of you because you know that as her husband he needs and deserves to know. Do it with your heart in the right place. Not for revenge.
jwi71 Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 How old are your kids Maddiesue? It is terribly difficult to survive an A, even more so when the WS gets up and spends all day with his mistress. Factor in the decision to keep it a secret - and I can imagine what you go through every day. Its hard enough to move on even when the lovers are apart. With them working together and still having "feelings" for each other - its all too easy to rekindle the A (assuming it actually ended). I find it hard to believe that your H can have a four year A and suddenly turn off his feelings for HER. Especially if she is still pursuing him. The gaslighting is next I fear. No one knows. Its still a secret. The only eyes on this are yours - and, please forgive the harshness, you missed it to begin with! Its far too easy to keep this A going. You need help in killing it. You need more eyes on THEM. Her H is a great start. So is the boss at work. So is your family. So are your friends. What consequences has he faced? None. No parents berating him. No friends pressuring him. No coworkers snickering at him. No church pastor lecturing and leering at him. No one to help "right the ship". Enlist it. As far as his job goes...one needs to leave. And maybe she leaves if her H pressures HER. Of course, he can't do that since he doesn't know. So maybe you can tell, she quits and your H keeps his job. What's wrong with that?
Athena Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Although I agree with the posters saying exposure is necessary, I do not think you can do this NOW -- at this point -- a whole year later, without something 'new' to lead you to do something different to how you have been up to this point. Since your H is slowly coming around to having loving feelings for you and appears to at least be honest about those feelings, how do you think H will react if you 'suddenly' tell on his affair partner and him? He will see this as an adversarial position, seemingly coming out of the blue. If you want, you should investigate deeper into whether their relationship is still there, and then IF you find anything, THEN tell on them both.
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