CandyGirlXO Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I hope she didn't take him back by now. Post like crazy in the coping section, it will help you.
lady_door Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 i already cracked and called him today and was like why arent u calling me to say ur sorry? do u even care? and hes liek well u told me to not call u then i got mad and hung up on him and he called back and said he would call me after he got lunch... called but was on his way to pick up his cousin so i said to call me after that.. waited for a good 45 minutes when its clearly a 2 min drive got angry and called him and it basically just ended with us ending things again through texts...blah. so upset. cant take it. My relationship with my ex was a lot like what you're describing here so I can honestly relate. It's hard to give up on someone you care about. You always keep this insane hope that one day he'll change and everything will be better. But he won't change. Just like mine didn't. And it won't get better. I made the mistake to run back to my ex each and every time things got ugly because of HIM. He never apologized either. And what can I say? In the end he left me for another girl and I had wasted 3 years of my life with an ******* who didn't deserve me. And yeah, it still wasn't easy. And I missed him a lot even though I was rarely happy in the relationship. And yes, I was single and lonely for a very long time after that breakup. But guess what? Now, 4 years later I'm happy and with a guy who treats me very well. And I look back and wonder how I could ever love someone who was so bad for me and I still feel like kicking myself in the butt for not realizing that sooner and leaving him on my own terms. So... don't make the same mistake. Stay away from that guy and find happiness elsewhere. That way you can look back someday and be proud of yourself.
loveleen Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 wow reading this thread hit me hard. i went through this exact same situation with my ex and it ended up with me alone and him with a new girlfriend because my actions made him believe that no matter what he does to me ill still be there wating for his rude a$$. listen to the advice these great people are giving you! its all true. i went through the EXACT situation you did. and i kept calling him asking the same things "you dont care? why didnt you call?" yadayadayada.. and he got sick of my games and he knew that i'd never really leave so he treated me even WORSE than he already was. imagine. horrible. he would put his arms up as if he was going to hit me! it scared me so much. i dont want anyone to have to go through that. do it for yourself. leave him and save yourself before he leaves you and makes you feel like it was your fault. RUN!
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 no i have not taken him back yet lol... he texted me last night after it odl him i was cutting off contact...he said after an hour are you really okay with this...didnt answer...woke up this morning went to a photo shoot ( finally i wasnt scared to shoot & dont have anyone to look at my pictures and automatically be jealous ) got back from the shoot and he said are u at least happy through a text...noticed he changed his facebook to single so i changed mine to single (yesterday i just changed it to nothing)...i was so tempted to text him back saying no im not happy but opted not to...see the thing im so afraid of is him hooking up with someone else... i was up all night thinking about it and the thought is just killing me i dont no whether to block him on facebook or not ive done it before and it basically led to nothing him just thinking i was immature.. i think id rather him be able to see my facebook and see that im happy in my pictures and see what he left behind..
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 ...but also how do u no after a long period of no contact he realizes hes being stupid and actually does change? how do u no whether to take him back
CandyGirlXO Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 ...but also how do u no after a long period of no contact he realizes hes being stupid and actually does change? how do u no whether to take him back A guy like that, a guy who verbally abuses you and disrespects you... I would NEVER take back. He will never change, he will just get worse. Have him be someone elses problem. You don't need that in your life. You WILL find a guy who will respect you, just give it time. It will always end the sameway if you take him back. I did it time and time again. My mom used to tell me, the meaning of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Thats what you are doing, its a never ending cycle. I would take him off of facebook personally, I took my ex off of myspace. I didn't want to see or be tempted to see what he has been up to. I don't think thats immature. Don't text him back, make him really wonder what the F you are doing. It will drive him crazy, and he doesn't deserve you.
CandyGirlXO Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 I just wanted to add that I am proud of you for leaving. But it worries me, it seems like you are doing this to make him realize what he lost so that he will change. That should not be the goal here. The goal is for you to move on, and find someone who treats you right. He will not change. Do not believe the lies and the empty promises. You are doing this for all the wrong reasons.
Trimmer Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 ...but also how do u no after a long period of no contact he realizes hes being stupid and actually does change? how do u no whether to take him back #1: You won't know what he will realize, because you've moved on. #2: Calling you a whore and a bitch wasn't being "stupid" or "silly" or "immature" it was being abusive, which is why you are moving on. #3: You know now NOT to take him back, because you deserve better than an abusive partner. Please don't think this is some 'resting period' where you will stay connected and hope he will miraculously change. This is moving on, because he is a jerk. You have decided to disconnect, and No Contact is to help you do that clearly, completely, and permanently, not tool to try to change him. This is no longer about scaring him into changing, it's about extracting yourself from a bad relationship. Please be clear on this. i was so tempted to text him back saying no im not happy but opted not to... Glad you didn't, because that would effectively be telling him he still controls you. see the thing im so afraid of is him hooking up with someone else... i was up all night thinking about it and the thought is just killing me You're going to need to get over that. Imagine how he will be calling his new girlfriend a whore and a bitch, and being all insecure and verbally taunting her because he knows it bothers her. It's sad, but it's sad for HER, not for you. i dont no whether to block him on facebook or not ive done it before and it basically led to nothing him just thinking i was immature.. i think id rather him be able to see my facebook and see that im happy in my pictures and see what he left behind.. What he thinks doesn't matter any more. You are moving on. If it works best FOR YOU to block him, then do it and move on. If it works best for you NOT to block him, then leave it.... BUT MOVE ON. Do not concern yourself with what he thinks. You do get that you are moving on, don't you? If that's not your understanding or your goal, then I don't have advice for you.
CandyGirlXO Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 see the thing im so afraid of is him hooking up with someone else... i was up all night thinking about it and the thought is just killing me Yeah what Trimmer said, I would feel bad for the next girl. Poor thing doesn't know what she is getting herself into. You should be glad that isn't you anymore. I wish my ex would just find someone else, so that he would leave me alone.
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 no i have not taken him back yet lol... he texted me last night after it odl him i was cutting off contact... There was no need to tell him but okay that part is done now. he said after an hour are you really okay with this...didnt answer... GOOD! KEEP DOING THAT!! NO CONTACT. NO REPLY. woke up this morning went to a photo shoot ( finally i wasnt scared to shoot & dont have anyone to look at my pictures and automatically be jealous ) got back from the shoot and he said are u at least happy through a text... Auto delete right? You know you do not -- DO NOT -- reply to him. It doesn't matter what he says. Remember how he treats you and how unhappy you have been. It will only get better for you when you are DONE. noticed he changed his facebook to single so i changed mine to single (yesterday i just changed it to nothing)... AHHHH. So you are breaking the rules already and looking him up. Big mistake. Actions like that will only make things harder for you. The NC is for YOU. It is to allow you to heal from an abusive dysfunctional relationship. You have been routinely abused and degaded. It is time for that to stop don't you think? Is it EVER okay for a person to treat another the way he has treated you? --------- You better be saying no girlfriend! i was so tempted to text him back saying no im not happy but opted not to... HALLELUYAH!! That is soooooo the right answer! YEAH! see the thing im so afraid of is him hooking up with someone else... i was up all night thinking about it and the thought is just killing me Yeah. Boy what a lucky girl she'll be too. I've always wanted to be with a man who has no respect for me, calls me names (especially in front of his friends or other people I know!), let's me down anytime I rely on him, doesn't give me any emotional support, and constantly turns things around to blame me for his poor behavior. What a lucky girl -- she'll get a hell of a catch, huh?!! [i am being sarcastic obviously] C'mon. Really? Haven't you been asking yourself what you really get out of this relationship other than being able to say - "I have a boyfriend who is good looking, treats me like crap, pays no attention to me -- oh! other than negative attention I mean! Certainly he is ALWAYS willing to scream at me, call me names, AND, as a special bonus, degrade me in public. Yep! He is all mine!" ? i dont no whether to block him on facebook or not ive done it before and it basically led to nothing him just thinking i was immature.. Don't worry about what he thinks. What do you need? Isn't it best that you don't see him anywhere or see what he is up to? --- insert "yes" here -- Then you need to block him. For good this time. NC means not looking at his page either. i think id rather him be able to see my facebook and see that im happy in my pictures and see what he left behind.. It is not about him. It is about you. He'll still be the same jerk he has been. ...but also how do u no after a long period of no contact he realizes hes being stupid and actually does change? how do u no whether to take him back I said previously that you went down a terrible road with this one. Unfortunately it has gone on way too long and to an extreme degree. There is no coming back from this. The relationship must be over. All of your idle threats and allowing it to progress the way it has, he will never see you as a woman he needs to respect. Even if he begged for you to come back to him - if you gave in it would very soon be in the toilet as it is now. You must learn from this and move on. He doesn't get a 14th, 15th, 20th chance to treat you as you should be treated. It is his missed opportunity. You WILL find better believe me! (How hard would it be to find a guy to top him? Just finding a guy that doesn't call you names is a huge improvement and there are MILLIONS of those!)
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 so i just told my mom im not talking to him and about saturday night and him not calling and she goes : thats silly why does he have to call you your a good looking girl he wouldnt do anything...hmm..
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 your right about him maybe not changing but i also have never done more than a week of no contact with him.. so do you think maybe if after a month or two of no contact and hes begging me back and i still love him... he might have seen the light? lol sounds silly but seirously.
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 your right about him maybe not changing but i also have never done more than a week of no contact with him.. so do you think maybe if after a month or two of no contact and hes begging me back and i still love him... he might have seen the light? lol sounds silly but seirously. NO. Absolutely, unequivocally, NO. He has gotten to the point where he regards you as a piece of furniture or worse - because one doesn't scream at furniture or call it names, etc. Furniture just gets ignored right? Passed over, forgotten about; and certainly that is partially how he treats you but there's the added humiliation and degradation that he also piles on you. If you get back together with him you are setting yourself up to be treated badly. Again and again. Find someone else. When you get far enough away that you can truly see how sick this relationship is, when you can see another perspective, you will realize that what you feel for him is NOT love. It is desperation and a crazy tailspin you have gone into. you are chasing the ghost of the relationship. It is the dream of when you first got together that died long ago. It no longer exists. What does exist is the nightmare of real pain and suffering. That is what he brings to you now - again and again and again...and it will be so until you are through. Are you through?
Island Girl Posted January 14, 2009 Posted January 14, 2009 so i just told my mom im not talking to him and about saturday night and him not calling and she goes : thats silly why does he have to call you your a good looking girl he wouldnt do anything...hmm.. I don't understand what the bolded part means. Am I missing something? Is your mom standing up for him...?
underpants Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 so should i just have no contact with him for a couple of days and see what he does? and if its nothing much just let it go? suggestions? This guy sounds like bad news. He knows it and that is why he plays on your insecurities. Nothing more then an emotional bully. He is probably not aware of his own issues. I liked all of Island Girl's posts. If I were you I would re-read them all. You are young and there will be many more opportunities for bigger and better loves. In a way, it might be good that you got a bad experience out of the way early on so you know what to avoid in the future. Suggestions, for this guy. Well, I have a few. First, just be done. Flip the emotional switch off. Fake it until you make it. However, commit to being done and moving on from him. Give yourself time to process the end of this phase. The end of being treated badly in a distorted and twisted concept of love. There are many worse things then being young and single. Embrace the gift of time with yourself. Get to know you. Dudes like this will call again. They will wait you out, because they feel like they know you and can manipulate you. It is a game to them. Eventually, after whatever threshold he has in his mind, he will contact you again. When he does tell him to "shut the f up" and hang up. Don't feel bad about it. He has it coming. How can he know what he lost if he doesn't ever really lose it? Give yourself a few months. You might find yourself happy to have dropped the negative load.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i really am so grateful for all your posts you guys are like my best friends through a computer.. sometimes i just hate talking to my friends about my relaitonships cuz i just think they get sick of hearing about it & i dont really go much into detail...all your advice is really hitting me and i am re reading them over and over to help me with this... ps this is the second verbally abusive relationship ive been in for a year i went out with this guy who treated me much worse, not even with the name calling just the way he talked to me and acted was just sickening -- i know he cheated on me the whole time.. he slapped me twice.. finally got out of that and this guy was waiting there...he was my friend while i got over the other guy--i never ever went into detail about how abusive the other ex was just when i was drunk i told him he slapped me once--and this new guy ( well the ex) was just so sweet and i really thought he was something special so i waited seven months til after my other break up to start dating him.. i had a hard time trusting this new guy cuz of the old guy so maybe i was the one to start up with the insecurity.. idk .. i don teven no how the name calling started i think he just said it joking around one day and i laughed it off so he claims he jokes around alot with the name calling ( supposedly) but it still got to me.i really am being treated like ****. he doesnt love me. he thinks he does but he doesnt. im getting a wake up call. hopefully hell get one too.
Island Girl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 i really am so grateful for all your posts you guys are like my best friends through a computer.. That's why we're here. sometimes i just hate talking to my friends about my relaitonships cuz i just think they get sick of hearing about it & i dont really go much into detail... They probably do get sick of hearing it if it the same thing over and over again. If your friend was telling you the same stories wouldn't you tell her to walk already? Wouldn't you wonder why such a wonderful, beautiful, caring girl would put up with being treated like utter crap by some guy? And if it was -insert a name of a rich handsome actor whom you think is gorgeous - would you tell her, "yeah, he does treat you just terribly and happiness is something you will never have but it is SOOOO worth it because he is so great looking!" No. You would never do that to your friend. all your advice is really hitting me and i am re reading them over and over to help me with this... I am so glad. So very, very glad. For so many years I was the opposite of you. That is where my perspective comes from that men WILL rise to the occasion and treat you how you want to be treated. It is really up to you to put your foot down the second something happens that is inappropriate. For instance name calling even in jest is unacceptable. It just leads to more and more disrespectful behavior. You are a princess. Who talks to a princess like that?!! Off with his head!! ps this is the second verbally abusive relationship ive been in for a year i went out with this guy who treated me much worse, not even with the name calling just the way he talked to me and acted was just sickening -- i know he cheated on me the whole time.. he slapped me twice.. finally got out of that And thankfully you did! Does your mother know about these details? Do any of your friends? -- Good girl friends? Because your good girl friends are the ones who will give you the necessary support to heal. It isn't just about leaving. After a relationship like that it takes some considerable effort to pull yourself back together and get your self esteem back on track. If you don't take that time you can fall straight back into the same type of relationship. People are drawn to what they know. And if your brain and body are familiar with abuse - even looking subconsciously for it - you will seek out more of the same. That is why so many women have relationships with men that if you only saw the inside - they'd all look identical. Those women have never taken the time to put back what was taken from them. And then more gets taken by the next guy and the next until they feel like they are lucky if they get a kick to the head. and this guy was waiting there...he was my friend while i got over the other guy Brace yourself. He was never your friend. He was playing the shoulder to cry on to get close to you and take advantage of you. He had an agenda. That was to get close enough to get you with him. And he did that. But he didn't value what was given to him. He never truly earned it. Just being there isn't enough. A man has to show you consistently why he deserves any of your time. And you have the absolute right -- responsibility even -- to make sure that your precious self is only placed in hands that will cherish it. --i never ever went into detail about how abusive the other ex was just when i was drunk i told him he slapped me once--and this new guy ( well the ex) was just so sweet and i really thought he was something special so i waited seven months til after my other break up to start dating him.. You really did try to do what was right after that first break up. I completely understand that. You say you waited for seven months to date number two. But you were spending time with him. It doesn't matter what you were calling it - friends or what have you. He was just waiting you out and making sure no other guy could get close. He made sure he'd be first in line. And his motives weren't out of love and respect but sexual drive. You were a conquest. So the lesson to be learned is that no man (except your daddy and brothers if you have any) gets to sped any amount of time with you until you are ready and feel you have your head straight as far as what you want. Then you just make sure THAT is what you get. Do not settle. You deserve IT ALL. i had a hard time trusting this new guy cuz of the old guy so maybe i was the one to start up with the insecurity.. Honey, you weren't healed. You were wounded prey. And dogs can smell blood. He saw an opportunity to act like your friend and get close to you and he knew it would turn into a relationship. Certainly you had insecurities. But he preyed upon those make no mistake. It was a calculated effort on his part. You have to stamp out the victim signals. Predatory men can spot them at a distance. You are not a victim. You can no longer be victimized. You are a survivor. From what I read here, you are clearing your head. The spark inside has been ignited. You are starting to believe in yourself again. Just work on feeding the belief in yourself that you deserve anything and everything you want before you get involved at all with any guy. Hanging out with the opposite sex is only allowed in groups for right now. .. i don teven no how the name calling started i think he just said it joking around one day and i laughed it off so he claims he jokes around alot with the name calling ( supposedly) but it still got to me.i really am being treated like ****. he doesnt love me. he thinks he does but he doesnt. im getting a wake up call. hopefully hell get one too. I am glad it is all getting clearer. You may be able to look back and see what happened and when. But the most important thing seems to be really happening for you. You are now understanding that you DON'T deserve to be treated this way. Not by anyone. Certainly not by a man who is supposed to cherish and protect you. A man who can treat you so badly does not deserve any of your time or attention.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 i got a new cell phone and my status on facebook says so and since i havent blocked him yet he probably saw it and assumed i got a new number so he imed me last night at like 2 am saying :hey i know were done and all but ive been thinking a lot and i dont want there to be anger between us..id really like to talk to u tomorrow since we never had that talk on the phone bc u couldnt wait..if u wanna text me or something ill call u back if not thats fine no answer right? i mean its only day 2 of no contact he cant be missing me yet
flc Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 In my my experience the way people deal with their partner in a relationship will not change, they may want to change they will say they will change but this rarely happens. Your values and ethics and how you handle personal relationships seems to be ingrained early on and it requires a huge amount of effort and therapy for someone to change this. So if someone is abusive does not know how to show love or has a jealous personality it will most likely stay that way.
Island Girl Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 no answer right? i mean its only day 2 of no contact he cant be missing me yet EEEEEEEEK! Yes NO CONTACT. And it does not matter if he is missing you or not. A guy who beats his dog every day will notice the dog is gone - that doesn't mean that when he gets the dog back (or a new one) he won't repeatedly beat it. I really hope somehow that is sinking in. Please get the whole "is he missing me" or "when will he change" out of your head. It is not about him or how he feels. It is about you getting away from a completely dysfunctional and abusive relationship FOR GOOD.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 so i went to my therapist today and told her about the IM and she said just to text him back maturely and say I got your IM but i need my time and space to move on.. and so i did that.. but its bothering me that he didnt reply with anything
Island Girl Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 so i went to my therapist today and told her about the IM and she said just to text him back maturely and say I got your IM but i need my time and space to move on.. and so i did that.. but its bothering me that he didnt reply with anything 1: you told him you need time and space to move on - so how would he be giving you that if he contacted you? 2: keep in mind you have never gone more than a couple of days without caving in and crawling back to beg him AGAIN to treat you better (yet get treated the same way) He is basically waiting you out. 3: have you told this therapist all of the ugly details? Have you told about your past relationship as well? If so, what kind of feedback are you getting? Please explain in detail. Your therapy is very important and it should be constructive therapy.
Wicked Child Posted January 16, 2009 Posted January 16, 2009 How do you scare your guy into thinking hes going to lose you? Were in a fight and im on the verge of breaking up with him but I really don't want to.. .we break up like every 3 weeks and it doenst scare him anymore. I always say were done for good and then we get back together.. i need something else to prove to him that im really serious he needs to change or im really gone! I haven't read anything else in the thread, but I want to offer my advice. I did that for 6 years....I would break up with my bf cos he wouldn't change. I can't even tell you how many times I dumped him, sometimes for weeks, the longest was 8 months...It never changed anything...It empowered him when we would get back together....Even if he was the one calling, he thought that I needed him...Well I needed him like a hole in the head...I learned the hard way that you can't change people...I used to tell him that the only thing I wanted from him was for him to have a stable job, and that since he loved me, he would want to do that for me...Bullcrap. He decided that I was never going to be happy, and that meant that it was time to stop trying (although he never did try). This guy obviously doesn't make you as happy as you can be, and you need to do something about it...You may love him to the ends of the earth, but if things are going the way you say they are, then there is someone else out there who is more deserving of your love, and who can make you feel a million times better than your man does...Don't settle, because you deserve better.
Author crackerjax9 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 jaksdf this is so hard. going back to school on sunday thank god but thats still 2 days away.. 2days to think of him. urg.
mixwell Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 hes just very negative towards me...a very jealous person always thinking im seeing someone behind his back when im not and he nos im not he just says it to annoy me.. hes totally insecure if i have a guy friend write on my facebook he flips out...if im talking to his friends he even thinks im going to hook up with them..hes very controlling.. like if my boobs are out the slightest bit hell get pissedd off .. if by accident i lean over and my thong is out im automatically called a whore. i get called a whore a bitch every word in the book. this is only a number of things i could go on forever sometimes i think he hates me more than he loves me. He sounds VERY insecure to me.. My ex girlfriend was almost the same way but not really verbally abusive. It is a flaw in him and by adding in the name calling you're probably better off without him.. I think you should head for the hills.
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