How do you scare your guy into thinking hes going to lose you?

[Lauriebell82]

actually if i know hes going to get mad or jealous i avoid it. like i know he doesnt want me talking to other guys so i dont. i know now that he hates when my shirt shows too much so i wear less revealing shirts. i barely have any other guy friends i do not do anything purposely to annoy him.

 

He sounds very controlling and/or abusive. He is completely controlling you and you are letting him by threatening to leave and then not actually doing so. I say cut your losses and ACTUALLY lose this guy. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

How do you scare your guy into thinking hes going to lose you? Were in a fight and im on the verge of breaking up with him but I really don't want to.. .we break up like every 3 weeks and it doenst scare him anymore. I always say were done for good and then we get back together.. i need something else to prove to him that im really serious he needs to change or im really gone!

 

If your goal is to scare him into thinking he is going to lose you, make sure he gives a crap whether he does or not first.

 

otherwise if he doesn't care, you could end up looking silly.

[Trimmer]

i know this is so stupid but i honestly think hes going to be the best looking guy ill ever be with and that makes it 10 x harder...

I'm sorry, I have to be blunt with you, but yes, that's so stupid.

 

How old are each of you?

 

he has a wonderful personality besides all the negativity hes prob one of the most unique people ive met

You mean besides that little bit of negativity of calling you a bitch and a whore and every other "word in the book?" You mean besides that little bit of negativity that he is so insecure that he baits you by telling you you're seeing someone behind your back just because he knows it annoys you? You mean besides that little bit of negativity that you can't even tell if he loves you or hates you sometimes? That's because the thing that's at the surface for him during those times isn't love or hate, it's control.

 

So you get to decide if that's all acceptable enough for you to be with this "unique" person. Because, I've got to tell you, he may have a "wonderful personality" sometimes, but is it worth the cost to you?

[d0ll]

sounds like a very unstable, unhealthy relationship .. breaking up every 3 weeks is pretty childish .. the smart thing to do would be to break up for good

[alphamale]

sounds like a very unstable, unhealthy relationship .. breaking up every 3 weeks is pretty childish ..

indeed, breaking up every few months is much more adultish

[crackerjax9]

im turning 21 next week...that also makes me more depressed that ill prob start no contact with him and wont be with him for my birthday

[You'reasian]

There are plenty of good-looking guys out there. It's what's inside that counts. If someone is going to verbally abuse you, they're just plain ugly.

 

But isn't dating or meeting people based on an attraction?

 

We all have preferences for what we find attractive and if mr. nice guy doesn't fit that criteria, he is often passed up - then again, it depends on the venues you chose to meet people - some venues are perfect for meeting people whom are good looking inside and out, others just good looking on the outside, or good looking on the inside but what you would call boring on the outside...

 

this is just my observation.

[Island Girl]

im turning 21 next week...that also makes me more depressed that ill prob start no contact with him and wont be with him for my birthday

 

You should feel very good about it actually.

 

Making the decision to NOT be in an unhealthy relationship gives YOU a chance to meet someone who will actually make you happy. I'm guessing you probably haven't felt true happiness in your relationship for quite some time.

 

The only thing a jerk does really well is keep a good guy from coming into your life.

 

And don't think he is the "best looking" guy you'll ever be with.

 

There are PLENTY of great looking guys out there and most of them have wonderful qualities like kindness as well!

 

You are so young - you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Don't get stuck with blinders on. This guy is a complete waste of your time. You deserve better. Don't you believe that?

[crackerjax9]

island girl your so sweet thanks

[Trimmer]

But isn't dating or meeting people based on an attraction?

 

We all have preferences for what we find attractive and if mr. nice guy doesn't fit that criteria, he is often passed up - then again, it depends on the venues you chose to meet people - some venues are perfect for meeting people whom are good looking inside and out, others just good looking on the outside, or good looking on the inside but what you would call boring on the outside...

Arguable points, but the context of the comments in this thread is about how you decide to stay with someone. Should the OP stay with a man who is obnoxious, disrespectful, and abusive, using his looks as a dominant factor in that decision (i.e. it would be "10x harder" to leave him because of his looks...)

 

In that context - the decision about whether to stay with him - I agree with TBF: "what's inside" should dominate her considerations.

[Island Girl]

But isn't dating or meeting people based on an attraction?

 

Initially yes. Physical attraction is generally first (but not always). And then comes the time when you get to know each other. That other person gets more or less attractive during that part.

 

Except in cases like this when the OP is so focused on his face she can't see the horrible ugliness inside of him. She just chooses to overlook it or think somehow she can change him. *sigh* A lot of girls - and guys - make this mistake.

[crackerjax9]

so should i just have no contact with him for a couple of days and see what he does? and if its nothing much just let it go?

 

suggestions?

[Lauriebell82]

so should i just have no contact with him for a couple of days and see what he does? and if its nothing much just let it go?

 

suggestions?

 

Yes, I think you should just go NC period.

 

Why are you so concerned about him "not wanting to lose you"? It doesn't sound like you like him very much or your relationship.

[D-Lish]

so should i just have no contact with him for a couple of days and see what he does? and if its nothing much just let it go?

 

suggestions?

 

I don't think two days is going to make any difference in his abusive behaviours.

 

Seriously, if I was dating a guy that called me the names your dude calls you I'd be gone so fast... It would only happen once.

 

It's about respecting yourself.

[crackerjax9]

its so hard...what if he just has some insecurities that he hasnt told me about yet.. like reasons for them... what if he actually grows up and starts to change? jaksdfj

[Island Girl]

its so hard...what if he just has some insecurities that he hasnt told me about yet.. like reasons for them... what if he actually grows up and starts to change? jaksdfj

 

 

There is no reason at all that would explain why he would disrespect you so badly and certainly NO excuse.

 

Insecurities do NOT matter. His problems DO NOT matter. The fact that he is a complete moron DOES NOT matter.

 

He just is a jackass. Stay with him and expect more of the same. Go NC for a few days and expect more of the same when you get back together. As time goes on it will get worse and worse.

 

Do not end up a freakish shell of a girl waiting by the phone, at his beck and call, pleading with him for a kind word now and then.

 

JUST GET OUT OF IT.

 

Before it destroys you all together.

 

Don't you have any good friends that will help keep you busy and get you out and about? You need to get rid of him and keep busy so you do not fall into the same pattern of going back for more of this horrible treatment.

 

And any time a man disrespects you - even if it is the smallest thing - you stand up for yourself. Do not allow any man to ever treat you the way this one has.

[crackerjax9]

your right... i told him i was done talking to him and that i was done with this relationship and he said so your telling me your done with me for good ( which is what ive told him in the past and ive never actually been done for good) so i said no i am not saying that because u wouldnt believe me.. .leave me alone for a few weeks and if by then you still havent heard from me.. you should start taking that " im done with you for good" seriously

[Island Girl]

your right... i told him i was done talking to him and that i was done with this relationship and he said so your telling me your done with me for good ( which is what ive told him in the past and ive never actually been done for good) so i said no i am not saying that because u wouldnt believe me.. .leave me alone for a few weeks and if by then you still havent heard from me.. you should start taking that " im done with you for good" seriously

 

Good for you. You deserve to be treated like a princess. Cherished and respected. If you were willing to spend any time on a guy - talking to him on the phone - seeing him in person - whatever, then he should be THANKFUL for that. It is a special gift and if a guy doesn't get it then do NOT waste your time.

 

Keep telling yourself that. Because you really need to believe it. For some reason you got lost somewhere thinking you should put up with horrible behavior because it could change at some point or it is something that needs to be worked out.

 

It isn't. Bad behavior needs to be checked by you. It should not happen and never ever let it get out of hand like it did with this guy.

 

You are worth so much more. Feel it. Believe it. Live it.

[Trimmer]

There is no reason at all that would explain why he would disrespect you so badly and certainly NO excuse.

 

And any time a man disrespects you - even if it is the smallest thing - you stand up for yourself. Do not allow any man to ever treat you the way this one has.

Island Girl doesn't need me to make her point any more clear, but I just want say that as a father of a daughter, as a brother with sisters, as a man, I completely agree.

 

your right... i told him i was done talking to him and that i was done with this relationship and he said so your telling me your done with me for good ( which is what ive told him in the past and ive never actually been done for good) so i said no i am not saying that because u wouldnt believe me.. .leave me alone for a few weeks and if by then you still havent heard from me.. you should start taking that " im done with you for good" seriously

Well, I kind of cringed when I read that he asked "you're done with me for good" and you answered "no" (right answer: yes)

 

Now it's on you and your strength to stand firm. Know who you are, and know that you don't need him to define you or make your life worthwhile. Good luck.

[crackerjax9]

i already cracked and called him today and was like why arent u calling me to say ur sorry? do u even care? and hes liek well u told me to not call u then i got mad and hung up on him and he called back and said he would call me after he got lunch... called but was on his way to pick up his cousin so i said to call me after that.. waited for a good 45 minutes when its clearly a 2 min drive got angry and called him and it basically just ended with us ending things again through texts...blah. so upset. cant take it.

[Island Girl]

i already cracked and called him today and was like why arent u calling me to say ur sorry? do u even care?

 

What did you expect to get out of that call?!! Did you expect he would burst into tears of joy and happiness because you are willing to speak with him again? -- You just let him know AGAIN under no uncertain terms that you are full of idle threats and he can kick you around as much as he wants, because you are so completely sprung, and you will crawl back to him.

 

Do you expect him to suddenly value you? He CAN'T. Because you do not even value yourself. If you did - you would understand you get treated the way you allow others to treat you.

 

You ALLOW him to sh*t on you. You beg for him to treat you better. I can tell you right now THAT DOESN'T WORK. It NEVER will work.

 

A person does not respect or cherish a whipping post or a doormat. And unfortunately that is what you have allowed yourself to become.

 

WHY??!! Why on Earth do you think this guy is so all fired great that he can berate you and call you names?

 

This "relationship" is terrible and WILL continue to get worse and worse because you are taking the abuse and coming back for more.

 

Please do something about it and stand up for yourself. And at this point that does not translate into discussing this with him to try to "fix" it. It is too far gone for that. You have made too many idle threats and come back - on your own - again and again.

 

Let it be over. Do not call him to break it off. Just be done. Do not talk with him, do not answer his calls, JUST DON'T HAVE ANY CONTACT AT ALL WHAT SO EVER.

 

and hes liek well u told me to not call u

 

OMG. Don't you understand that you have no value to him? How can you value and respect someone who continually allows you to degrade them and treat them like complete CRAP?!!

 

I do not mean to be harsh - well, I kind of do because it doesn't seem to be sinking in that YOU beg for him to treat you badly. Your words mean nothing. It is your actions. You keep coming back and begging and begging for him to be different. He won't. He has no reason to.

 

Abused women fall into this trap. Do you think a man starts off beating the crap out of a woman? No.

It starts with bad remarks, then name calling, and it gets worse and worse until one day he hits her. Oh then he apologizes and says "but I love you". She stays and puts upwith his terrible behavior - while it progresses and then she gets to the point where she thinks IT IS HER FAULT that he hits her. That somehow she did something that warrants that kind of behavior. Some of those women end up dead.

 

You are setting a horrible precedent for yourself. Your self-esteem is taking blow after blow and you are allowing it to happen.

 

You should NEVER allow another human being to degrade you and berate you - let alone come back again and again for more.

 

then i got mad and hung up on him

 

Childish games. Back and forth. What are you getting out of this?

 

and he called back and said he would call me after he got lunch... called but was on his way to pick up his cousin so i said to call me after that..

 

And you answered -- in his mind you are completely on the hook. A dog he can kick around but will come to him and lick his hand again and again. Terrible. He is terrible.

But it is worse that you think somehow you should put up with it - that you can't get better - are you really that far gone? That you don't know what a bad relationship this is and how you have allowed poor treatment to continue over and over again?

 

Do you NOT understand you have a responsibility to YOURSELF? It is your job to look after yourself and how you are treated.

 

YOU set the parameters of how you will be treated. You set the standard! And when you allow your standards to sink this low - you will never be able to turn around and expect more. You have allowed him to walk all over you. You have allowed yourself to become a doormat.

 

Please learn from this mistake and just MOVE ON. Never let it happen again.

 

waited for a good 45 minutes when its clearly a 2 min drive got angry and called him and it basically just ended with us ending things again through texts...blah. so upset. cant take it.

 

AND YOU WAITED! Waited for him to call you -- like the conversation was going to matter to him suddenly when it hasn't this whole time. What gave you the impression that he was instantly going to change his behavior and become someone else entirely? What indication did you have that the relationship would be ANY different than it has been up to now?

 

Nothing. There was no change. You just went crawling back for more. Then you are surprised when you got more of the same? You should not be surprised. And I know deep down you aren't.

 

Then you texted him for not calling right? -- You sent a message about the fact that he didn't call -- again this action translates into begging and pleading for him. And by doing so you sink even lower in his eyes...

 

You say your upset. Stay with it and it will get worse.

 

You say you can't take it but apparently you want more or you'd be done with him.

 

Put your hand in the fire and you'll get burned. Everytime. No matter what time of day or night - no matter what day or month in the year. You'll get burned.

 

He has hurt you over and over. He has no problem doing it and will continue to do so. You have to value yourself enough not put yourself in the position for him to hurt you again.

 

*sigh* I wish I could transplant my brain somehow. It just doesn't seem to be sinking in. Every one her has given you the same advice. But somehow you continue to think he is somehow worth your pain and suffering.

 

I am at a loss.

[crackerjax9]

ahhh i no i no i no i was just feeling so vulnerable i was shopping and almost near tears and just called him .. im kicking myself in the ass for it now.. he was still totally being a jerk about it not willing to apologize for the other night whatsoever... so i told him again it was over & took it off of facebook.

 

all your advice is great but i really dont think im strong enough to just let it all go.. i deal with depression and anxiety and when i try to let go my mind goes nutsss.. i obsess about what hes doing all the time and just depress myself when were not together... does anyone have any advice as to what to do with myself as im getting over him? or any books to read? i love those quotes in the book hes just not that into you im thinking about ordering it... i think im going to start a post in breaking up tohave people help me out iwth the no contact thing.. thank you soo much for taking time out to help me island girl... if he calls tonight i will not answer.. if he texts i will nto answer...usually im good at that but i eventually give in but i will NOT give in this time. this is bull****.

[Island Girl]

One thing you can do is reach out to those around you. Your friends, a couple of really good ones, can be your calling circle. Get them on board first. You must tell them the horrible details about this jerk - BE HONEST - and tell them you need to be able to reach out to them for support anytime you feel like talking to him.

 

He's just not that into is a great book. Some women can't swallow the advice in there but it IS good advice.

 

Change his name in your phone to say "pathetic loser" or "jerkoff" or whatever will remind you how consistently HORRIBLE he is to you.

 

Delete him off of EVERYTHING. Facebook, MySpace, whatever. And DO NOT check his pages if he has them.

 

Box up everything that reminds you of him - cards, gifts, letters, etc. Put it up in the rafters of the garage. You will feel empowered by this.

 

And MOST OF ALL, if you are feeling weak - come here. Pour your heart out HERE on LS.

There is a "contact here instead of contacting your ex" thread here somewhere. Post on that.

 

Just remember it WILL get better. And much faster if you make a clean break.

 

Start a journal about you and how you are feeling. Writing it all out will really help. Just remember to rant about the terrible incidents where he has treated you so badly.

It will help to go back and read them in moments of weakness.

 

Get yourself busy doing other things. Take your dog for a long walk without your phone if you feel weak and there is no one to turn to or as I said post here. But do not contact him. Not at all. Not for any reason.

 

AND MOST OF ALL, start another internal dialogue that it is not YOU - he treated you badly - He is the complete ass - and you DESERVE better.

You really do you know. That is the truth. And tell yourself that as many times as you have to until you start to believe it again.

 

HE is the one who lost out. HE is the one who will never get better than YOU.

 

You are the beautiful butterfly and he was just trying to keep you down by belittling you and degrading you.

 

Fly free. Believe. Believe. Believe.

[CandyGirlXO]

Start a journal about you and how you are feeling. Writing it all out will really help. Just remember to rant about the terrible incidents where he has treated you so badly.

It will help to go back and read them in moments of weakness.

 

 

Great advice! I got out of a relationship exactly like this 8 months ago. He still won't stop calling/e-mailing me begging for me back. Well I gave him too many chances and I am done. I have a new BF

 

Might sound childish, but I made a list of EVERYTHING that I hated about him in my journal, so whenever I would get weak I would read the list. I wrote down all the nasty things he said to me, and things he had done.

 

Started with verbal abuse just like this, then one day he pushed me when my back was toward him. I took him back even after that! Shame on me. The verbal abuse just kept getting worse.

 

Move on, it will probably take you a while I am sure. You see I was already out of love when I left him, how can you love someone like that?

[Island Girl]

You see I was already out of love when I left him, how can you love someone like that?

 

Exactly!

 

You don't LOVE someone who is such a heartless thoughtless and cruel person. You can't possibly. No one can.

 

You are just stuck in a mental mess chasing the idea or dream of the relationship - not the reality.

 

Somehow the chaser gets lost. Losing themselves in the desperation and constant drama. Their own self image gets distorted and downgraded.

 

And it just keeps going and going unless the person puts a stop to the madness once and for all.

 

The realization comes later -- the "aha!" moment that resounds in your head saying "WHAT was I doing? WHY was I doing that? WHAT did I ever SEE in him/her?"

 

By then you feel GREAT. Like you could climb Everest and that you deserve the greatest things life has to offer.

 

But just remember how long it has taken to get you so far from yourself. It didn't happen overnight.

 

It is takes some time to get back on track as well. But well worth it because you are investing all of that time and effort into YOURSELF. And that you'll have forever.