Athena Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 That would be sad, and I have no doubt that's his fear, because he's expressed as much. That I'll never 'get over it' and I'll hold him accountable for his transgressions for the rest of our relationship, using 'you cheated' as my excuse for justifying every bit of paranoia and violation of privacy, forever. My H used the above logic to turn the tables around and CONTINUE having affairs, and when I asked questions, would spin them around on me accusing me of 'never having forgiven him' and 'how long would it take me' to 'get over it?'
Author blackbird Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 My H used the above logic to turn the tables around and CONTINUE having affairs, and when I asked questions, would spin them around on me accusing me of 'never having forgiven him' and 'how long would it take me' to 'get over it?' Ah yes, the good ol' "Well, you already constantly suspect me of doing something wrong, so I might as well do it if I'm going to get treated the same regardless!" justification. My husband used the same to excuse his own behavior the 2nd time. He recognized afterwards that it was justification though.
Athena Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Ah yes, the good ol' "Well, you already constantly suspect me of doing something wrong, so I might as well do it if I'm going to get treated the same regardless!" justification. My husband used the same to excuse his own behavior the 2nd time. He recognized afterwards that it was justification though. Actually my H used my suspicion against me by refusing to admit to his new affairs, but rather tried to throw me off the scent by putting my intuition down to my distrust due to his Old Affairs... meantime, he continued having a new affair, and would get 'angry' and defensive when I told him it felt like he was cheating on me again.... he claimed that I was continuing to punish him for something he did a long time before, and when was I going to let go of it (suspicion, distrust, etc). Smart of him, right? So the paranoia I felt was justified but he turned it around on me, saying I was unfair by continuing to punish him for previous transgressions....
Author blackbird Posted January 13, 2009 Author Posted January 13, 2009 Actually my H used my suspicion against me by refusing to admit to his new affairs, but rather tried to throw me off the scent by putting my intuition down to my distrust due to his Old Affairs... meantime, he continued having a new affair, and would get 'angry' and defensive when I told him it felt like he was cheating on me again.... he claimed that I was continuing to punish him for something he did a long time before, and when was I going to let go of it (suspicion, distrust, etc). Smart of him, right? So the paranoia I felt was justified but he turned it around on me, saying I was unfair by continuing to punish him for previous transgressions.... Geez, ouch. Talk about gaslighting...
Owl Posted January 13, 2009 Posted January 13, 2009 Ah yes, the good ol' "Well, you already constantly suspect me of doing something wrong, so I might as well do it if I'm going to get treated the same regardless!" justification. My husband used the same to excuse his own behavior the 2nd time. He recognized afterwards that it was justification though. Here's a concern I'd have. He used that as justification for the second time...and he recognized it as justification...BUT...he's now back to using that exact same argument against you AGAIN. That should be a red flag to you. As far as that transparency becoming oppressive...I don't see how, unless...again...you've got something that you WANT to keep hidden from your spouse. Otherwise, it just doesn't matter. It doesn't make a bit of difference. I guess we've got a huge understanding gap between us. Because I really just struggle to understand how this privacy makes someone feel better??? How does being able to send/rcv emails without your spouses knowledge make your life better? How does it make you feel better? Realize something...my wife and I are not joined at the hip. She has her own interests, and I have mine. It's not like we're some kind of giant, mind-sharing monster. I don't tell her every little aspect of my day, nor does she do so to me. But, if one of my friends is having marital trouble...I absolutely do talk with my wife about it. And this is an actual thing...a good friend of mine is LOUSY at relationships, and often comes to me for advice/suggestions/etc...and he knows that I discuss all this with my wife. Can you describe for me exactly what it is you GAIN (in feelings, emotions, personal well-being, marital well-being, etc...) by having your emails/IM/phone as 'private' so that your H cannot see them? What does he gain from the same thing? I know what I gain from having them as 'open access' for each other, and have tried to describe that...but what do you gain from having them as 'private'?
Recommended Posts