D-Jam Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 I'd say first to turn the desperation down, read a couple of books perhaps, and maybe even seek out a "dating coach". I'd also just take chances. Sounds like a lot of this is you quitting before you even start. You're assuming women just don't want you without being rejected.
Jenny123 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Bite the bullet, There is some-one for everyone:) Try friends of friends, similar places of interests, online-there is many options but it is hard to find some-one-I know!Build on ur confidence.. GOOD-LUCK:)
rod_in_gtown Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Think of dating as an applied social study, you definitely have the discipline to get through Undergrads, masters and are now going for a PHD, dating is just the same, trial and error, some people just learn to do it much earlier in life. Don't give up. Start going out with your good friends, go to dinners or even organize a dinner at your place and tell your friends to bring friends. Like someone above said, just be yourself, you will meet someone who shares your interests and who will find what you say to be fascinating.
Author 39388 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 39388, I agree w/ curiousnycgril. Try online dating. For a sec, I actually thought that it was going to be impossible...that I'd never find a date...u know my story..24 and never been on a date. So I was actually getting worried that I was going to give up dating before I even start..plus my situation is a little bit unique/tough...I still live w/ my folks so I have to always explain why I still live at home...so for folks out there who are judgemental and already think I'm a loser like that. I'm not..I'm just trying to save and get my own place..plus my net worth..dont know if I would have been able to save that if I was renting somewhere..if that's a deal breaker then so be it...last time I checked, I'm being "financial responsible" haha. Anyways, try online dating where it matches u w/ values and traits. One thing I recommend is to actually start reading articles/blogs on PUA (Pick up Artist). It's not my misison to pick up girls but my mission to find the one...I find it actually helpful on my first date and it's not that i was being manipulative bec i always reminded myself to just "be yourself" but it just made me aware of certain things..i.e. body language, conversation, etc...if anything by reading those articles, I think it just creates more "opportunities" to date around..just my 2 cents. It was hard to read your story, knowing mine is far worse. I know any one that would call you a loser would call me a megaloser. I seem to be good and lucky with money. My net financial worth including all the money in my place I'd think is quite good for an almost 35 year old. I obviously feel neither good nor lucky when it comes to dating. I'll take a look at the blog though I feel very discouraged right now.
Author 39388 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Don't throw in the towel. It's obvious you want love. So if you want it, you are going to have to work at it. Who cares if those women laugh? Who cares what they think? You don't need 40 women to find love. You just need one. There are so many people in the world and people aren't nearly as picky as they sound when we talk about relationships. I am going to tell you a secret..none of us, not one of us is 100% perfect for a relationship. We all come with our own baggage, experiences and issues. Men and women. You are not so different in that respect. I do want love, but I don't know if it is a realistic goal. It is a numbers game, but you have to be number one in thw woman's heart. There are many many great looking men out there and it seems I would have to beat out so many even to get one date. I look at the men who can get a date any time they want and I feel I'm their polar opposite in almost every way. Maybe I'm not mature enough.
Author 39388 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 Bite the bullet, There is some-one for everyone:) Try friends of friends, similar places of interests, online-there is many options but it is hard to find some-one-I know!Build on ur confidence.. GOOD-LUCK:) Think of dating as an applied social study, you definitely have the discipline to get through Undergrads, masters and are now going for a PHD, dating is just the same, trial and error, some people just learn to do it much earlier in life. Don't give up. Start going out with your good friends, go to dinners or even organize a dinner at your place and tell your friends to bring friends. Like someone above said, just be yourself, you will meet someone who shares your interests and who will find what you say to be fascinating. I'd really like to think there is someone for everyone, but it is hard to feel that way now. This dating thing seems far far more difficult and more complex than any graduate level course I have taken. I only have a few friends. None do I see in person at least once a month. Most just do not have time to go places with me and I rarely get invited to get togethers with them. It is very possible not one will have time for me in the next several months. They have their own lives and jobs and other friends and many of these friends are closer friends than I am. In general people have been very reluctant to introduce me to others and none has ever tried to set me up. The not too many times I have been around friends of friends, they have been reluctant to give me phone numbers or emails when I ask. I seem to get along with someone, but it always ends with something like we might see you next time your friend has a get together. I usually never see them again. If I ask for a phone number there is often weird silence and then I wish I did not even ask. Maybe I am not mature enough or ready to date? The only realistic possibility in the near future I see is online dating and I really don't know if that will be throwing money away. It still seems for every female there are 5-10 males and so many males on there look so much better than me and so many have 6 figure incomes. Seems so overwhelming.
Author 39388 Posted January 16, 2009 Author Posted January 16, 2009 I'd say first to turn the desperation down, read a couple of books perhaps, and maybe even seek out a "dating coach". I'd also just take chances. Sounds like a lot of this is you quitting before you even start. You're assuming women just don't want you without being rejected. You may be right. I am not very good at reading people so I do not know. Just thinking about all this is overwhelming and I know I need to change that to have any chance.
turnshyness Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 39388 - JUST DO IT!!! Read your post again and listen to yourself "The only realistic possibility in the near future I see is online dating and I really don't know if that will be throwing money away. It still seems for every female there are 5-10 males and so many males on there look so much better than me and so many have 6 figure incomes. Seems so overwhelming" You havent even started and it's negative already. I think you have to approach dating w/ "I dont give a c**P" attitude because the less you think about it, the more you will enjoy the aspect of meeting ppl. Just get started somewhere...JUST DO IT!!! Who cares if you dropped a couple of hunderd bucks and it didnt work? At least you gave it a try right? And it's not the end of the world. There are different avenues that you can also try...Good luck!! I'd really like to think there is someone for everyone, but it is hard to feel that way now. This dating thing seems far far more difficult and more complex than any graduate level course I have taken. I only have a few friends. None do I see in person at least once a month. Most just do not have time to go places with me and I rarely get invited to get togethers with them. It is very possible not one will have time for me in the next several months. They have their own lives and jobs and other friends and many of these friends are closer friends than I am. In general people have been very reluctant to introduce me to others and none has ever tried to set me up. The not too many times I have been around friends of friends, they have been reluctant to give me phone numbers or emails when I ask. I seem to get along with someone, but it always ends with something like we might see you next time your friend has a get together. I usually never see them again. If I ask for a phone number there is often weird silence and then I wish I did not even ask. Maybe I am not mature enough or ready to date? The only realistic possibility in the near future I see is online dating and I really don't know if that will be throwing money away. It still seems for every female there are 5-10 males and so many males on there look so much better than me and so many have 6 figure incomes. Seems so overwhelming.
Author 39388 Posted January 17, 2009 Author Posted January 17, 2009 39388 - JUST DO IT!!! Read your post again and listen to yourself "The only realistic possibility in the near future I see is online dating and I really don't know if that will be throwing money away. It still seems for every female there are 5-10 males and so many males on there look so much better than me and so many have 6 figure incomes. Seems so overwhelming" You havent even started and it's negative already. I think you have to approach dating w/ "I dont give a c**P" attitude because the less you think about it, the more you will enjoy the aspect of meeting ppl. Just get started somewhere...JUST DO IT!!! Who cares if you dropped a couple of hunderd bucks and it didnt work? At least you gave it a try right? And it's not the end of the world. There are different avenues that you can also try...Good luck!! I'll do it! I'll give the online dating 2 years. If I can get a date within 2 years, I'll consider it a success. If you have any suggestions for dating sites, tell me. I know some of the major ones.
LovesHangover Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 No two people have the same journey in life; therefore, why compare yourself to others. You are uniquely you, and I am sure you are a wonderful person. What I've learned about life and love is that you get what you give and expect. The lesson is that you should always look at things positively and expect good things and people to come into your life. Even if relationships don't work out, there is always a lesson to learn from each experience. It is good to be realistic and practical, but you need to believe that you can have what you want as well: A healthy and fulfilling relationship. Be open and have a positive attitude and love will find you! Take your time!
RichGuy Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I am almost 35 and male and not only have I had no LTRs, I've had no dates and have never been kissed. ... I have done very well with my education (back to school working on a doctorate in a "nerdy field") and am good with money. ... I have no idea how I can get things started. Should I just throw in the towel and accept I will always be single or should I try something else? I want to find love so badly! Hello 39388, today is your lucky day. I am willing to help you on your quest to find love. Like you, I also have very advanced degrees in very nerdy fields. Someone like you will definitely appreciate my statistical, quantitative approach to women. A scientific methodology with reproducible results. Hell, I can even give you journal references for the basis of thesis. I am working on a book now, and I'd like to use you as guinea pig for my method. First, do you have money? You say are you "good with money", but you gotta prove it. You don't have to pay me. You get my services for free in exchange for being my test subject. I'm suggesting we take a trip to Las Vegas, but I'm not sure you can even afford it as a doctoral candidate. The first thing we are going to do in Vegas is to desensitize you in regards to women. You'll lose your virginity, but most importantly, you won't put them up on a pedestal anymore. You have to start seeing them as your equal. A 35-year-old virgin is not attractive. I know you are scared and you have lots of questions. Email me at [email protected] and we'll discuss in private. The first step to a better love life is to email me.
RichGuy Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 I'll do it! I'll give the online dating 2 years. If I can get a date within 2 years, I'll consider it a success. If you have any suggestions for dating sites, tell me. I know some of the major ones. Please don't waste 2 years of your life on dating sites. I can show you a much better way that only takes 2 weeks. And it's free. Email me.
turnshyness Posted January 17, 2009 Posted January 17, 2009 It's a matter of preference. If you like to peck and pick use match.com but if you want matching based on values try eharmony. There's a whole blog/community on reviews for each site. EH has been pretty good to me but I've never tried the other sites...Why not look for like a month deal for each popular sites and give each a try simultaneously...worst thing that you can get is you'll have too many matches and too many communication . If anything, my biggest advice is just be patient and open up...that way it'll come to you. Good luck and keep this board posted! P.S. Went out on another date. Hmm I'm starting to like this dating arena hahaha. 39388 - there's a term in poker on winning pots and hopefully this is something you can take w/ you as you start your adventure...I think it kinda can relate to the dating arena.."YOU GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT". Good luck again! I'll do it! I'll give the online dating 2 years. If I can get a date within 2 years, I'll consider it a success. If you have any suggestions for dating sites, tell me. I know some of the major ones.
Author 39388 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 It's a matter of preference. If you like to peck and pick use match.com but if you want matching based on values try eharmony. There's a whole blog/community on reviews for each site. EH has been pretty good to me but I've never tried the other sites...Why not look for like a month deal for each popular sites and give each a try simultaneously...worst thing that you can get is you'll have too many matches and too many communication . If anything, my biggest advice is just be patient and open up...that way it'll come to you. Good luck and keep this board posted! P.S. Went out on another date. Hmm I'm starting to like this dating arena hahaha. 39388 - there's a term in poker on winning pots and hopefully this is something you can take w/ you as you start your adventure...I think it kinda can relate to the dating arena.."YOU GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT". Good luck again! I'm starting to look at some sites. I have to set up a profile. I don't like to lie about anything. I'm hoping the women are truthful on there. I know you have to put yourself in the best possible light without lying. How do I minimize my weaknesses? For example my upper body strength is awful. I exercised today for the first time in a long time and it was frsutrating, but at least I went. Saying I'm fit or even average would be a bold faced lie. I don't know what to say with something like this. Say nothing? I know I will get questions on sites like EH asking about things like this. The question I'm most nervous about on EH will be when asked to rate my happiness level. Some days I'm really happy. Other days like most of the last couple weeks, really unhappy. I know if you say you are unhappy, EH is likely to kick you out. Makes sense, because the one I date of course I want her to be happy. I know I need to dress better too, especially for the picture. It's not bad now, but it is borning. One thing I can guess is women don't want boring. Great job with your dating. No more 'I've never dated' if she asks.
Author 39388 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Please don't waste 2 years of your life on dating sites. I can show you a much better way that only takes 2 weeks. And it's free. Email me. I really have no idea what you mean and I don't know who you are. Going to Vegas and getting laid as a guinea pig in some experiment? Sounds weird to me. I'm going to start on a dating site or sites. Maybe I'll branch out later.
likestolaugh Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 you might meet someone quite nice on a dating site. Just beware that dating site people can be very flaky...
Author 39388 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 you might meet someone quite nice on a dating site. Just beware that dating site people can be very flaky... I've very afraid of this and may not handle this well. I'm someone who feels bad if I'm 3 minutes late. Now, of course I won't be mad if she's 3 minutes late. If she flakes out on me, it will be very frustrating. Why can't she say no before the date or do you mean to say she looks at this all as a game?
turnshyness Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Cool. Glad to hear you're exploring dating sites. Yes, honesty is the best policy. You can be honest and at the same time still present it on the best possible way. There are some articles on how to write those things so do some googling on how to write profiles for online dating. TBH, when I was actually trying to write my profile, I just kept it simple and succint w/ descriptions. At least w/ Eharmony since it's compatibility driven, I didnt have to worry much abt on writing so many things. If you're not sure on how to answer prescreen questions, then just hit the middle of the road rating...to be on the safer side..it's not u're lying it's just on a case by case basis so you're on the middle of the road. The dressing up - here's a challenge for you. Next time you're out or around the mall - randomly ask a girl where you can find the dress place for a guy like you. What does it do - teaches you how to break the ice and how to reduce your approach anxiety w/ women. Worst thing that they can do is just walk away..but who cares, they dont know you and you dont know them...the more you do this, the more you become thick skin! Yah this date is a lot better than the last one...no discussions on prior history yet- well she did mention on how a year ago someone proposed to her and she declined...haha I think it's more on her trying to woo me? hahaa. Well I'm saying to myself, wow I guess I'm a great catch to her..hmm for the first time I dont have to chase...yah no more chasing for me hahaha. Good luck and keep us posted! I'm starting to look at some sites. I have to set up a profile. I don't like to lie about anything. I'm hoping the women are truthful on there. I know you have to put yourself in the best possible light without lying. How do I minimize my weaknesses? For example my upper body strength is awful. I exercised today for the first time in a long time and it was frsutrating, but at least I went. Saying I'm fit or even average would be a bold faced lie. I don't know what to say with something like this. Say nothing? I know I will get questions on sites like EH asking about things like this. The question I'm most nervous about on EH will be when asked to rate my happiness level. Some days I'm really happy. Other days like most of the last couple weeks, really unhappy. I know if you say you are unhappy, EH is likely to kick you out. Makes sense, because the one I date of course I want her to be happy. I know I need to dress better too, especially for the picture. It's not bad now, but it is borning. One thing I can guess is women don't want boring. Great job with your dating. No more 'I've never dated' if she asks.
turnshyness Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think it's on a site by site basis...the ones who are rated site worthy, you'll probably experience less flakes from them. The more expensive the site(EH), motivations of ppl will change. If you think abt it, you're paying x monthly amount and last thing you want is to flake on someone...just a bad investment..of course there are exceptions to the rule so I could be wrong...there will always be someone who will flake on you BUT if you're careful enough to filter those, you shouldnt have a problem. 39388 - when I started this online adventure, one of the things I had a hard time accepting to concept is telling myself what a great catch I am. The more I started telling myself that - the more I become confident and all of a sudden, a new world opened...girls see right through it...so start convincing yourself how a great catch you are and things will fall into placce...it'll come to you! I've very afraid of this and may not handle this well. I'm someone who feels bad if I'm 3 minutes late. Now, of course I won't be mad if she's 3 minutes late. If she flakes out on me, it will be very frustrating. Why can't she say no before the date or do you mean to say she looks at this all as a game?
Jersey Shortie Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I do want love, but I don't know if it is a realistic goal. It is a numbers game, but you have to be number one in thw woman's heart. There are many many great looking men out there and it seems I would have to beat out so many even to get one date. I look at the men who can get a date any time they want and I feel I'm their polar opposite in almost every way. Maybe I'm not mature enough. Well, I understand how you can feel that way because I feel that way when it comes to men about all the good looking women I have to compete with, even when I am in a relationship. But the thing is that you really do have it much easier in that regard then you think. Women might like a good looking man but it has much less sway on us then it does men. How many famous women can we name that dated men much much uglier then themselves? Many! And even for myself, I have been very attracted to stereotypically "hot" men and turned off by them too. And vice versa. I have been very attracted to men who weren't hot but just has a chemistry/magentism that I found very intriguing. You will find there are plenty of women out there like that. You will have to work on your confidence though. It doesn't matter what you look like but confidence with women goes a long way.
RichGuy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I really have no idea what you mean and I don't know who you are. Going to Vegas and getting laid as a guinea pig in some experiment? Sounds weird to me. I'm going to start on a dating site or sites. Maybe I'll branch out later. No wonder you're are still a virgin LOL, most women have more balls than you, hahaha....
Author 39388 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 No wonder you're are still a virgin LOL, most women have more balls than you, hahaha.... Your first post was very vague and it seemed like you were hiding something. Rather than trying to resassure me, you try to rub salt in my wounds. Thank you so much! Thankfully, the rest of you have posted supportive messages.
tincanman99 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I have to agree with the Richguy, you need to get desensitized and quickly. Online dating will not do this for you. You could spend tons of time emailing women and it going nowhere. I will be brutally honest, online dating for women is like shooting fish in a barrel. They get inundated with email so a lot of women just shut down. There is just to much to deal with. Especially if they are just a tiny bit attractive. Never mind the hotties. You need to get comfortable chatting and talking with women. Online is not the way to do it. I say go to Vegas. Its cheap to go and stay there. The hired help in Vegas will definitely show you a good time. They aim to please. If you dont want to sleep with them thats fine but they do know how to party. Just bring money and the rest will take care of itself. Personally I dont partake in the hired guns but I have known people that do and they will definitely break you down. If you dont want to play with the hired guns, there are tons of people that just come to Vegas just like you to party. You will have a great time. Another way is to go to local strip clubs and go-go bars and chat up the women. You will become comfortable very quickly chatting with women even when they are naked because you will not have a choice. Look at it this way, doing what you are doing is not working. The only person that can change your situation is you. Remember this, you are only here on this planet once, its up to you to make the most of it.
ruggy Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Do the opposite of what you are currently doing, cause it ain't working.
Author 39388 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 No idea what you mean. Change every aspect of my personality?
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