39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I am almost 35 and male and not only have I had no LTRs, I've had no dates and have never been kissed. It is debateable whether I'm "normal". Here are a few details about me. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are high quality people who often have many times as many friends as I do. I have done very well with my education (back to school working on a doctorate in a "nerdy field") and am good with money. I also am confident when talking to people about something related to education or work. However, when the conversation turns to more causal topics, I often suddenly feel out of the loop. It should be no surprise that Monday is usually my favorite day of the week. I had a horrible time between grades 8-12 and people told me I would never ever find a date or marry. It knocked my confidence in finding a woman down to zero and really has never been much above zero in the many years since then. The pressure to get that first date is immense and absolutely terrifying. Getting a date seems as hard as lifting a 10 million pound object. Most of the time I get into bad moods, the root of it is almost always that I am lonely or fixating on the fact that I have not had a date in now almost 35 years. I feel I have so many deal breakers. Here are a few which I have seen many women post as absolute deal breakers. I am not physically strong enough, not good with handy work, not attractive enough, cry too much and no dating experience. I feel there are so many more also. I know I have many great qualities too, but am afraid there is always some deal breaker to ruin everything. I can also ramble a bit when I talk, as I feel I am doing now. Nobody has ever set me up or told me "this woman likes you" or anything of that sort. I don't know of anybody who has failed so miserably at dating. I have no idea how I can get things started. Should I just throw in the towel and accept I will always be single or should I try something else? I want to find love so badly!
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 You've never had one date? I am sorry to hear this. Why do you think you are unable to get a date? Seems like you are the nerdy anti-social type. That's tough. Perhaps you could work more on developing your personality? Using humor is a good start. I've gotten a few dates that started out from a random, funny conversation. Sometimes raw animal attraction is good too - but its something you have to feel deep in the other person and obviously yourself to capitalize on...
Author 39388 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Not one date and almost 35, it is so hard to believe. I try to be social and try to be funny. Somtimes I do say funny things. I don't think I'm that attractive. Maybe a 3 or 4 or 5 on the so called 10 point scale. Not ugly but not attractive. When it comes to teaching a class of 30 students, easy as pie. I am very popular in fact. I feel so desperate to get my first date and I don't know how to hide this desperation. I fear women will see right through it and run away fast.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 You sound like a perfect candidate for online dating. Why not thoughtfully put together a profile, ensuring that you focus on your hobbies and interests (to hopefully peak the curiousity of someone with similar interests) - and give it a try? It's a numbers game, so you need to start getting those first dates to start shifting the odds (of meeting "the one") to your favor. The reason I think online is a good idea, is because you are just about guaranteed to get a date. Everyone there is looking for the same thing - to meet someone! Good luck, and if you need help, pm me if you like.
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Not one date and almost 35, it is so hard to believe. I try to be social and try to be funny. Somtimes I do say funny things. I don't think I'm that attractive. Maybe a 3 or 4 or 5 on the so called 10 point scale. Not ugly but not attractive. When it comes to teaching a class of 30 students, easy as pie. I am very popular in fact. I feel so desperate to get my first date and I don't know how to hide this desperation. I fear women will see right through it and run away fast. Women will see exactly who you are, so there's no point in trying to be someone you are not. Just be yourself and be in the moment with her
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 . Here are a few which I have seen many women post as absolute deal breakers. I am not physically strong enough, not good with handy work, not attractive enough, cry too much and no dating experience. I feel there are so many more also. I know I have many great qualities too, but am afraid there is always some deal breaker to ruin everything. I can also ramble a bit when I talk, as I feel I am doing now. Not physically strong enough? Lift weights. Get into the gym and do excercises that work large muscle groups, using weights from 6-8 repetition range. That will actually give you a little muscle size too. Actually, I prefer crossfit. Pure Powerlifters/bodybuilders talk smack about it....until they're on the floor dying afterwards lol Not good with handy work? Start small. Get yourself a toolkit and start tinkering. It'll come to you after a bit of playing around. If you need guidance, buy a handyman book or ask a buddy to show you some things. Crying? Why do you cry? What triggers this reaction from you? Figure that out and try to control your environmental factors that cause this. If you're just crying randomly, go see a counselor - you could be depressed. As far as dating experience is concerned I would recommend trying to meet people whom share similar interests or work and arrange to hang out sometime afterwards. That's the best way to go about doing it. You can also try online dating or speed dating if you feel it too difficult to arrange things on your own. In otherwords, target your dating interests rather than trying to go out to the bar and pick up women.
ruggy Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 That's crazy. First off, and I am serious on this, don't fear anything. Women can smell fear and intimation a mile away. If something does start to get to you, man up and say I do not give a f*#ck!; but believe in it when you say it. It works. This self-pitty crap ain't going to work either. Quit it. It looks weak and very unattractive as a partner, or even as a friend. What do you care if some one you only met once or twice thinks negatively of you? You'll never see her again. Man up and jump in. Coulda, shoulda, woulda... Oh, please. Getting the date is the easy part. Keeping a relationship is the hard part. Look at my other posts, I question every move to try and figure out what are her real feelings. If it doesn't work out, f*$ck it. That is how you need to view all your adversarial situations. And, yes, in your mind this is considered an adversarial situation. Quit it. Maybe this video will help. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE
You'reasian Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 OP, I too am weak. I haven't done any strength training in a long time and the best weight I could put up on bench press recently for 6 reps was 205 lbs. Decided to run a mile for the hellovit right afterwards and barely hit the 6:30 mark - that's slow! If you'd like, we can start an excercise log here on LS? Anyone interested?? Done. Check out the Physical well being section. I'll complete the log tomorrow PM
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 You sound like a perfect candidate for online dating. Why not thoughtfully put together a profile, ensuring that you focus on your hobbies and interests (to hopefully peak the curiousity of someone with similar interests) - and give it a try? It's a numbers game, so you need to start getting those first dates to start shifting the odds (of meeting "the one") to your favor. The reason I think online is a good idea, is because you are just about guaranteed to get a date. Everyone there is looking for the same thing - to meet someone! Good luck, and if you need help, pm me if you like. That sounds like a great idea to try. I've looked at several of these sites in the past. Are there any particular ones which are good or not good? I'm willing to spend a few hundred on membership fees if needed.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Not physically strong enough? Lift weights. Get into the gym and do excercises that work large muscle groups, using weights from 6-8 repetition range. That will actually give you a little muscle size too. I need to do this again. I am not good now. Let's just say you are much stronger than I am and can quicker. I'm terrible at upper body strength and ok at lower body and running.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Not physically strong enough? Crying? Why do you cry? What triggers this reaction from you? Figure that out and try to control your environmental factors that cause this. If you're just crying randomly, go see a counselor - you could be depressed. As far as dating experience is concerned I would recommend trying to meet people whom share similar interests or work and arrange to hang out sometime afterwards. That's the best way to go about doing it. You can also try online dating or speed dating if you feel it too difficult to arrange things on your own. In otherwords, target your dating interests rather than trying to go out to the bar and pick up women. My crying is not random. Really sad or occasionally happy things. I don'r cry an extreme amount, but certainly more than the average male. I don't want to look weak, but it might be hard to change this. I might start with online dating. If I could just get date number 1, that would be a good start.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 That was really funny and useful ruggy. If nothing else, I should be able to break at least one bad habit with those two words.
Eweezy Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Well first thing you need to do is do not put any female on a pedestal, girls can sense neediness a mile away. Do not put pressure on yourself it will only make matters worse for you. This isn't a math problem stop thinking thinking thinking just be yourself and let your personality shine. If she doesn't like you for who you are why give her the time of day. I find it funny when people say they know people with no personality that's not true. I also wonder how you are dressed. What you want to do is market yourself(Cloths,and shoes) to which type of females you want to attract. I do not suggest online dating because the women there aren't the best quality, but hey how true can a profile be that's only my opinion.
Aquamarisa Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Just a woman's perspective... I think that the main thing that keeps my male friends from having more dates is not asking more women out. I think I have turned down a guy who has legitimately asked for a date once or twice (when I was single, that is) and that was only because he acted rude. I think quite a few women have that policy because it's really hard to tell whether you like a guy based on a short conversation and if you are looking for a relationship, it's only an hour or so out of your time and is fun even if it doesn't go anywhere. So, my advice to you is to start asking women out. Don't worry about it if you get turned down a couple of times. Just keep at it and it will happen for you. Maybe online is a good place to start but I would ask out any women that you find interesting. You don't have to take your dates on big dinners or anything, just coffee or something small. Women just want to get to know you. After that it's just chemistry.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 I think of so many things like a math or science problem. I do overthink things. How many thousands of hours have I thought about dating? I think you are saying it is time for action instead of just thinking. I know you are right. I have to be very careful about not putting her on a pedestal, especially if we get to the point where we kiss. I dress ok, but it may be on the boring side. Another area for improvement. Online dating does sound like somewhere to get started. Maybe once I get some dates I'll have more confidence I can expand on the dating methods.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Just a woman's perspective... I think that the main thing that keeps my male friends from having more dates is not asking more women out. I think I have turned down a guy who has legitimately asked for a date once or twice (when I was single, that is) and that was only because he acted rude. I think quite a few women have that policy because it's really hard to tell whether you like a guy based on a short conversation and if you are looking for a relationship, it's only an hour or so out of your time and is fun even if it doesn't go anywhere. So, my advice to you is to start asking women out. Don't worry about it if you get turned down a couple of times. Just keep at it and it will happen for you. Maybe online is a good place to start but I would ask out any women that you find interesting. You don't have to take your dates on big dinners or anything, just coffee or something small. Women just want to get to know you. After that it's just chemistry. You have some very helpful advice. I need to find more activites with available women in the right age group. I live in a very large city, so there should be any kind of activity I can think of near me. The trickiest part is to be able to read the women. How do I tell if they are single and available? I really don't want to ask a woman out 3 feet from her boyfriend. How do I pick up on interest level when talking to them? I have misread people a lot. I need to overcome this fear and I suppose I need to accept myself for making mistakes on this. I'm still thinking of starting with online dating and then branching out into other methods. I need to be careful not to buy them big dinners too soon. I need to wait for a little while and start smaller as you say. Also if I buy big dinners from day one, they may expect big dinners all the time which could break almost anyone's budget. Hopefully there is someone out there that I have great chemistry with.
Aquamarisa Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 I think that when you are trying to get to know a woman on a very limited amount of time, the best thing is just to be direct and ask her out. If she has a significant other she'll tell you and no harm done. On the other hand, if you see a guy hanging around her, you probably don't want to make a move. Just a couple of suggestions on places to meet people... go to a coffee shop and make it your regular place. One guy I used to go out with had seen me studying there and then made it a point to go often. I think if you go to a place often, you'll be more comfortable and then if you see a woman who looks interesting, you can shoot her a few looks and gauge her interest and then go talk to her if she seems into it. Also, going out with friends is the best and probably easiest way to meet people. Not only will you feel secure, but there is more of a chance of meeting someone compatible. I guess it can be kind of hard to read people but when I want a guy to come talk to me, I usually just look their way until I catch his eyes and then smile. I think you could do that too, except you go talk to the woman, don't wait for her to come over. That's usually all that's necessary to figure out if someone wants to talk to you. If she doesn't, she'll probably avert her eyes or not smile back. Yeah, no sense in spending a bunch of money. It's just not practical and you will be having lots of dates and shouldn't go broke for it.
Author 39388 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks for the great suggestions Aquamarisa. I need to figure out how I'm going to execute them. When I'm places sometimes someone does smile at me and I often wonder "what does that mean"? I always assume it means they are just being friendly or in a good mood. I never seem to think that it could mean anything more. Maybe it does and I don't know. Still there are some times where I have had conversations with someone I don't yet know. Then there is the whole bit about how to get a phone number or even an email. If I don't in most cases I know I will never see them again. I could try giving mine out. I've had very little success usually because I'm so afraid to even ask. It is probably critical that I expand the number of friendships I have. I know a few and they are good but busy people, but most of the time nobody has the time to go somewhere with me. 98%+ of the time I go soemwhere I go alone and often I so much want someone there. It is clear I need to find ways to make more friends. Just a few is not enough. If it is a Friday or Saturday night, rarely is there someone to call and say "what are you doing tonight, want to go to this movie" or whatever other event is going on. Quite a few areas I need to work on.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 It is probably critical that I expand the number of friendships I have. I know a few and they are good but busy people, but most of the time nobody has the time to go somewhere with me. 98%+ of the time I go soemwhere I go alone and often I so much want someone there. It is clear I need to find ways to make more friends. Just a few is not enough. If it is a Friday or Saturday night, rarely is there someone to call and say "what are you doing tonight, want to go to this movie" or whatever other event is going on. Quite a few areas I need to work on. That is a problem in it self right there. You don't need to consider everything in dating work. A lot of it is just fun and you run into whoever and see what works and what doesn't. That is the odd part about the dating game. While everyone is playing the same game, no one plays by the exact same set of rules. Take your brain out of the equation and go from there.
Author 39388 Posted January 14, 2009 Author Posted January 14, 2009 That is a problem in it self right there. You don't need to consider everything in dating work. A lot of it is just fun and you run into whoever and see what works and what doesn't. That is the odd part about the dating game. While everyone is playing the same game, no one plays by the exact same set of rules. Take your brain out of the equation and go from there. When I don't think everything out, I get in trouble with other people. I've had a couple of disasters with friends and at a couple of previous jobs. I'd say something which seemed ok at the time and later learn that it offended. After an incident like this happens I clam up and watch every word I say. After a few months I loosen up. The cycle repeats itself again.
Author 39388 Posted January 15, 2009 Author Posted January 15, 2009 It is quite clear that for every woman who said I might have a chance there are another 40 women who would laugh even at the thought at me having a chance. Almost 35 and no dates. I'm too bitter and angry and I'll be surprised if most of my friendships don't get completely destroyed within a week. The few that I have.
turnshyness Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 39388, I agree w/ curiousnycgril. Try online dating. For a sec, I actually thought that it was going to be impossible...that I'd never find a date...u know my story..24 and never been on a date. So I was actually getting worried that I was going to give up dating before I even start..plus my situation is a little bit unique/tough...I still live w/ my folks so I have to always explain why I still live at home...so for folks out there who are judgemental and already think I'm a loser like that. I'm not..I'm just trying to save and get my own place..plus my net worth..dont know if I would have been able to save that if I was renting somewhere..if that's a deal breaker then so be it...last time I checked, I'm being "financial responsible" haha. Anyways, try online dating where it matches u w/ values and traits. One thing I recommend is to actually start reading articles/blogs on PUA (Pick up Artist). It's not my misison to pick up girls but my mission to find the one...I find it actually helpful on my first date and it's not that i was being manipulative bec i always reminded myself to just "be yourself" but it just made me aware of certain things..i.e. body language, conversation, etc...if anything by reading those articles, I think it just creates more "opportunities" to date around..just my 2 cents. You sound like a perfect candidate for online dating. Why not thoughtfully put together a profile, ensuring that you focus on your hobbies and interests (to hopefully peak the curiousity of someone with similar interests) - and give it a try? It's a numbers game, so you need to start getting those first dates to start shifting the odds (of meeting "the one") to your favor. The reason I think online is a good idea, is because you are just about guaranteed to get a date. Everyone there is looking for the same thing - to meet someone! Good luck, and if you need help, pm me if you like.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Should I just throw in the towel and accept I will always be single or should I try something else? I want to find love so badly! Don't throw in the towel. It's obvious you want love. So if you want it, you are going to have to work at it. Just like you did with your money skills and education. Love takes work. I think people think it should be easy. But you actually are going to have to put in the effort and be prepared for let downs as well as learning how to deal with women as you go. No one every did something and never made a mistake. You will make them and that's 100% okay. It is quite clear that for every woman who said I might have a chance there are another 40 women who would laugh even at the thought at me having a chance. Almost 35 and no dates. I'm too bitter and angry and I'll be surprised if most of my friendships don't get completely destroyed within a week. The few that I have. Who cares if those women laugh? Who cares what they think? You don't need 40 women to find love. You just need one. There are so many people in the world and people aren't nearly as picky as they sound when we talk about relationships. I am going to tell you a secret..none of us, not one of us is 100% perfect for a relationship. We all come with our own baggage, experiences and issues. Men and women. You are not so different in that respect.
lovestruck818 Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 Turnshy, I was at home til 26 and I now own my first home, purchased at the ripe old age of 26. Living at home is the smartest thing one can do financially and i commend your choice. Good luck to you. being a homeowner is a great thing! 39388, I agree w/ curiousnycgril. Try online dating. For a sec, I actually thought that it was going to be impossible...that I'd never find a date...u know my story..24 and never been on a date. So I was actually getting worried that I was going to give up dating before I even start..plus my situation is a little bit unique/tough...I still live w/ my folks so I have to always explain why I still live at home...so for folks out there who are judgemental and already think I'm a loser like that. I'm not..I'm just trying to save and get my own place..plus my net worth..dont know if I would have been able to save that if I was renting somewhere..if that's a deal breaker then so be it...last time I checked, I'm being "financial responsible" haha. Anyways, try online dating where it matches u w/ values and traits. One thing I recommend is to actually start reading articles/blogs on PUA (Pick up Artist). It's not my misison to pick up girls but my mission to find the one...I find it actually helpful on my first date and it's not that i was being manipulative bec i always reminded myself to just "be yourself" but it just made me aware of certain things..i.e. body language, conversation, etc...if anything by reading those articles, I think it just creates more "opportunities" to date around..just my 2 cents.
turnshyness Posted January 15, 2009 Posted January 15, 2009 lovestruck818 - thx for that post! I know, living at home is a smart thing to do financially...which baffles me because on the other post under "Deal Breakers for Women"...one of the things that was listed was "still living w/ parents". I think there is just such a stigma on that! For the record, I dont think there's anything wrong living w/ ur folks..at least for the right reason and for only a certain age...maybe they oughta clarify that list hahah Turnshy, I was at home til 26 and I now own my first home, purchased at the ripe old age of 26. Living at home is the smartest thing one can do financially and i commend your choice. Good luck to you. being a homeowner is a great thing!
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