hell

[Jose08]

This might be a tad heavy, but here it goes,...

 

I am in desperate need of guidance and advice, and I am sure you've heard my case many times before.

 

I am 39, I have been married for 7 years and have a beautiful boy I adore who is 6.

Our marriage has been in a quiet descent for many years. We cared for one another but...its cold and stale. We have no more sex and are practically roommates. But I do care about my wife and family is important to me.

 

6 months ago, what I've never ever done happened, I started a relationship with a co-worker. She is a tad younger, exiting and we've shared great moments together. She knew I was married but I told her ( not to get into her pants) what I was feeling at the time, that my marriage was close to finish, that I would probably end up separating. She told herself that this was a bad idea,in fact she knew it... but we just clicked, fell in love and it happened.

 

But now, she (my girlfriend), who loves me deeply, has been waiting, is depressed and moody because of this situation and is running out of patience, and I am also horrified and filled with guilt at leaving my wife, who depends so much on me, loves me and she was never outgoing and would be lost without me. I love her too, just in a different way.

 

So this is what hell must feel like, and I deserve it I guess. I feel miserable with my new found love, and I feel miserable with my wife, not because of her, but because of the guilt I feel.

 

I cant find peace, I am in hell. My wife senses something is not right and I know suffers, and my girlfriend is miserable and is really pushing me hard. We are all miserable.

 

Time has run out and my girlfriend has given me an ultimatum, she will not wait much longer, work has been intense, lots of deadlines to meet, stress all around, I am tired of leaving this double life. My only comfort comes when I see my son smile at me...He is the only thing that I fear hurting the most.

 

Time is what I don't have anymore, Its a crossroads.

 

This limbo I am in has led me to consider suicide, its bad, real bad.

 

I know its a stupid question, but what thoughts do you have about this?

 

Jose

[Mountains10]

This might be a tad heavy, but here it goes,...

 

I am in desperate need of guidance and advice, and I am sure you've heard my case many times before.

 

I am 39, I have been married for 7 years and have a beautiful boy I adore who is 6.

Our marriage has been in a quiet descent for many years. We cared for one another but...its cold and stale. We have no more sex and are practically roommates. But I do care about my wife and family is important to me.

 

6 months ago, what I've never ever done happened, I started a relationship with a co-worker. She is a tad younger, exiting and we've shared great moments together. She knew I was married but I told her ( not to get into her pants) what I was feeling at the time, that my marriage was close to finish, that I would probably end up separating. She told herself that this was a bad idea,in fact she knew it... but we just clicked, fell in love and it happened.

 

But now, she (my girlfriend), who loves me deeply, has been waiting, is depressed and moody because of this situation and is running out of patience, and I am also horrified and filled with guilt at leaving my wife, who depends so much on me, loves me and she was never outgoing and would be lost without me. I love her too, just in a different way.

 

So this is what hell must feel like, and I deserve it I guess. I feel miserable with my new found love, and I feel miserable with my wife, not because of her, but because of the guilt I feel.

 

I cant find peace, I am in hell. My wife senses something is not right and I know suffers, and my girlfriend is miserable and is really pushing me hard. We are all miserable.

 

Time has run out and my girlfriend has given me an ultimatum, she will not wait much longer, work has been intense, lots of deadlines to meet, stress all around, I am tired of leaving this double life. My only comfort comes when I see my son smile at me...He is the only thing that I fear hurting the most.

 

Time is what I don't have anymore, Its a crossroads.

 

This limbo I am in has led me to consider suicide, its bad, real bad.

 

I know its a stupid question, but what thoughts do you have about this?

 

Jose

 

Hi Jose,

 

Welcome to LS. I'll give you my opinion, don't know how much you'll want to hear it, but here goes.

You need to cease contact with your 'girlfriend' all together, get a new job or transfer out so you won't see her again. Then you need to tell your wife everything, beg for her forgiveness and get into some MC (marriage counseling) right away. I've been on the other side of this, and it's not going to be easy for your wife to find out, but you need to be honest with her and let her know what's going on. You have betrayed your wife and her trust but in order to for you to move forward, you're going to need to be completely honest with her and let her know what has happened. It's going to be the only way to rebuild your marriage, if that's what you really want.

 

Only you know if you want to be with your wife or your girlfriend. Would you want a long term with a woman, who has made a decision to be with a married man? Whose to say she won't do the same thing to you that you are doing to your wife now, later down the road?

 

I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. I don't think anyone on here can tell you who you really love. Besides, what you have with your girlfriend isn't love, it sounds like lust.

[Geishawhelk]

...... She knew I was married but I told her ( not to get into her pants) what I was feeling at the time, that my marriage was close to finish, that I would probably end up separating. She told herself that this was a bad idea,in fact she knew it... but we just clicked, fell in love and it happened.

 

BS. THis is utter Cra*hap and you know it. Things don't just "happen" we make them happen.nobody held a gun to your heads and coerced you into screwing around. You willfully, deliberately decided to cheat on your wife, Quite voluntarily.

And so did your GF. So own it and suck it up.

 

 

But now, she (my girlfriend), who loves me deeply, has been waiting, is depressed and moody because of this situation and is running out of patience,

 

I know, it's a real bind when the little OW starts to twist the emotional screw, huh? Who knows what she''ll do next?

 

and I am also horrified and filled with guilt at leaving my wife,

No you're not. You're just guilty because you'll be found out.

 

who depends so much on me, loves me and she was never outgoing and would be lost without me. I love her too, just in a different way.

Yes. Inadequately. Woefully badly.

You're a real deal, you know that?

So this is what hell must feel like, and I deserve it I guess. I feel miserable with my new found love, and I feel miserable with my wife, not because of her, but because of the guilt I feel.

 

Perhaps you should have thought of that before you started thinking with your pants.

 

Why oh why do people not talk instead of choosing the easy way out? it never is! it makes things a 10000 times worse but do they stop to think?

Apparently not......

 

I cant find peace, I am in hell. My wife senses something is not right and I know suffers, and my girlfriend is miserable and is really pushing me hard. We are all miserable.

 

Woah, well, you really are lumbered with a problem now, aren't you?

 

Time has run out and my girlfriend has given me an ultimatum, she will not wait much longer, work has been intense, lots of deadlines to meet, stress all around, I am tired of leaving this double life. My only comfort comes when I see my son smile at me...He is the only thing that I fear hurting the most.

yes, I'm sure it will be a tremendous comfort to him to know how much you love him, when the truth is out. Because it must come out soon.Your GF weill see to that, if you don't.

 

This limbo I am in has led me to consider suicide, its bad, real bad.

How selfish. So you'll leave an even bigger mess? A widow and a son with no father?

Stop being so sorry for yourself and think about someone else for a change!!

 

I know its a stupid question, but what thoughts do you have about this?

 

Jose

 

Well, if I haven't made it clear already, you sit your wife down, and you tell her what you've done, then you tell your GF you've done it, then you decide which one you wish to be with.

It's that cut and dried.

It has to be.

You can't have it both ways.

[wuggle]

4 options:-

 

• wife, girlfriend, neither, suicide.
  

choose (wouldn't recomend last option, its a bit terminal. That leaves three). Who do you love

 

• wife, girlfriend, neither
  

I'm guessing its not the latter, so who do you love more

 

• wife , girlfriend.
  

There , got there in the end....good luck

[quankanne]

ouch, geishawhelk – remind me to come straight to you for a BS-free reality check when I need one!

 

as harsh as her advice may sound, I think GW's right on target. The guilt is about being caught, and dare I say, also about being forced out of your comfort zone and being made to choose.

 

my thought is this: It's not about what I want or what I think I want, but what kind of person do I ultimately want to be? Someone who is going to fess up to stepping out on my spouse? Someone who is going to cut the deadweight of an unloving partner/unhappy relationship and pursue what most makes ME happy? Do the hard thing and give up the affair so I can commit myself into making this marriage work because I realize it's not completely my spouse's responsibility for a successful relationship?

 

marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, next to being a parent/responsible for a child. There's a lot of sacrifice keeping a marriage alive, but very much worth it when you build it up to the relationship you've always wanted – and the key is to do whatever is necessary to make it work. Because like I said, your spouse isn't completely responsible for making your marriage work, it takes the both of you.

 

should you decide to work on your marriage, and it falls apart because it just didn't have what it needed to be successful, you can then look your boy in the eye and truthfully tell him, "I did everything in my power to make my marriage work," and he will respect you for just trying.

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh, sorry.

Sometimes it pays to tell it like it is.

I mean, 'tea and sympathy' has its place, but occasionally, the short sharp shock is more honest and effective.

Especially as the OP seems to be so focussed on how dreadful this all is for him - with no apparent thought of what this will actually do when everything blows.....

 

He spouts platitudes about his poor wife, and his impatient girlfriend, and his precious son - but the bottom line is, his primary concern is himself.

 

When your nose-deep in sh*1*t, you don't come out smelling of roses.

[quankanne]

oh, it was a nice kind of razz at your prev. post – it's refreshing to see frank talk on this board when it's so easy to try to soft-peddle otherwise, and I think we all benefit from a good reality check from time to time!

 

I do agree that the situation is dreadful – but not that it isn't of his own making.

 

jose, you're gonna have to man up on this one if you want to keep your sanity – and soul – intact.

[dead-dyke]

Hi Jose,

 

Welcome to LS. I'll give you my opinion, don't know how much you'll want to hear it, but here goes.

You need to cease contact with your 'girlfriend' all together, get a new job or transfer out so you won't see her again. Then you need to tell your wife everything, beg for her forgiveness and get into some MC (marriage counseling) right away. I've been on the other side of this, and it's not going to be easy for your wife to find out, but you need to be honest with her and let her know what's going on. You have betrayed your wife and her trust but in order to for you to move forward, you're going to need to be completely honest with her and let her know what has happened. It's going to be the only way to rebuild your marriage, if that's what you really want.

 

Only you know if you want to be with your wife or your girlfriend. Would you want a long term with a woman, who has made a decision to be with a married man? Whose to say she won't do the same thing to you that you are doing to your wife now, later down the road?

 

I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you really want. I don't think anyone on here can tell you who you really love. Besides, what you have with your girlfriend isn't love, it sounds like lust.

 

 

I second this, w/ every ounce of my being......

[Athalanthas]

Love your post Geisha. I second your thoughts!

 

Honestly, I do not like "cheaters".

[confusedinkansas]

From someone that was once a cheater & woke up to realize that that whole "Lifestyle Choice" SUCKS big time from either side of the coin......

Think how you would feel if your wife did this to you!!!!!

And, If you type back "I hope she is" you are only fooling yourself. I have heard that song & dance before from my BF years ago - He hoped his wife was cheating that way he would feel less guilty. Once he found out that his wife was sticking it to him like he was sticking it to her......he nearly had a nervous breakdown.

So put yourself in HER shoes.

The girlfriend may seem exciting now. Just wait ~ When reality sets in - It's not so much fun afterall.

[Jose08]

Thank you all for the direct and great comments about my situation.

I thank you all, it has made me think a lot.

 

Now the work begins...

 

J.

[Geishawhelk]

Yeah, but make sure it doesn't involve digging an even bigger hole.

[NYCmitch25]

This might be a tad heavy, but here it goes,...

 

I am in desperate need of guidance and advice, and I am sure you've heard my case many times before.

 

I am 39, I have been married for 7 years and have a beautiful boy I adore who is 6.

Our marriage has been in a quiet descent for many years. We cared for one another but...its cold and stale. We have no more sex and are practically roommates. But I do care about my wife and family is important to me.

 

6 months ago, what I've never ever done happened, I started a relationship with a co-worker. She is a tad younger, exiting and we've shared great moments together. She knew I was married but I told her ( not to get into her pants) what I was feeling at the time, that my marriage was close to finish, that I would probably end up separating. She told herself that this was a bad idea,in fact she knew it... but we just clicked, fell in love and it happened.

 

But now, she (my girlfriend), who loves me deeply, has been waiting, is depressed and moody because of this situation and is running out of patience, and I am also horrified and filled with guilt at leaving my wife, who depends so much on me, loves me and she was never outgoing and would be lost without me. I love her too, just in a different way.

 

So this is what hell must feel like, and I deserve it I guess. I feel miserable with my new found love, and I feel miserable with my wife, not because of her, but because of the guilt I feel.

 

I cant find peace, I am in hell. My wife senses something is not right and I know suffers, and my girlfriend is miserable and is really pushing me hard. We are all miserable.

 

Time has run out and my girlfriend has given me an ultimatum, she will not wait much longer, work has been intense, lots of deadlines to meet, stress all around, I am tired of leaving this double life. My only comfort comes when I see my son smile at me...He is the only thing that I fear hurting the most.

 

Time is what I don't have anymore, Its a crossroads.

 

This limbo I am in has led me to consider suicide, its bad, real bad.

 

I know its a stupid question, but what thoughts do you have about this?

 

Jose

 

You've done just about everything wrong here - perhaps taking out a large insurance policy and offing yourself would help the most amount of people here - you f-ing drama queen. What a stupid rhetorical question.

 

Did Jose A think about his son Jose B when he did this ? What you are going to do is either tell the wife and spend three years in couples therapy or become the weekend daddy to your boy with a new GF. You can't totally appease everyone here including yourself - suck it up and make some real choices instead of treating everyone like Burger King and havin it your way. Honestly, you are kind of a dick, you've led on a new gal while not handling your problems in your relationship. Personally I'm leaning towards "saving the marriage" for the sake of the children but it seems unrealistic here. So just break it to the wife that you are unhappy, that you can't live like a roomate and that you are moving on. Tell the GF that you have to cool it off for a while, take time off of work.. good god clear your head man!

[ReeWoo]

blah blah blah blah blah . . . me me me me me . . .

 

Ok buddy, what do you want out of life?

 

You want a wife and a son?

 

Guess what? You've got it, now go make it work!

 

The End.

[mendsley]

Jose, what you are doing to your wife and unfair. To be honost, your wife probably already knows about the OW and she is waiting for you to slip up so she can confirm it, and it will eventually happen. One thing you have to consider is this, you and your wife had this fun exciting time once before also, have you thought about what your life will be like in a few years with this other woman?

 

Your wife is there, your child is there, you are in a postion alot of men here would love to be in, you have your FAMILY with you and all you have to do is TALK to your wife do not do the whole string her along until you know it will with the OW then all of a sudden drop the divorce, it is not fair.

 

I am a firm believer that children will mimic thier relationships like thier parents relationship when they get older, so what ever you decide to do, do it in a way that when your son gets older he will say my father is an honost and respectful man.